Insecurity and sensitivity in Asperger's DS: can anyone help me?

[messyisthenewtidy]

My 10yo DS has Asperger's and is extremely insecure and unsure of my love for him. He will tell me that he loves me about 30 times a day and is constantly asking me if I'm ok. When I ask him why he does this he says that he is not sure if I'm angry with him, which to me seems completely nutty as I'm almost never mad at him, as he is a sweetheart and a genuinely nice kid.

He is also overly sensitive and will cry at very small things whilst at the same time saying "I'm not crying. I'm not crying!!" which would be quite comical if it weren't so sad!

He has a lot of learning difficulties, in Maths and English. He has an LSA but he deeply resents this, thinking that he doesn't need one, when really he does.

I wondered if anyone had this problem with their Asperger's DC as although I do my best to reassure him I'm getting a bit worried that such clingy / insecure behaviour will not be warmly received at secondary school, or if anyone had any advice on how to handle this.

My ds (10 this week and has AS) constantly asks if I'm upset. In fact it's the first thing he says when he sees me every single morning. He is also convinced that I don't love him as much as I love his siblings and no amount of reassurance works.

As merlincat said, I think its because he can't read the subtle signals the others pick up on that reassure them that all is well and they are loved. A little smile here and there, ruffle of the hair etc.

Last week I started to wonder if perhaps I am not obvious enough with my emotions eg not smiling enough. When I was younger, I used to get a lot of 'cheery up it may never happen' comments, so I started thinking about whether or not my face is set to default grumpy! Them when I was having a stressful day, my dd - who is 3, said to me "Mummy what has happened to your lovely smile, where's it gone?" so I guess I do smile enough after all.

Ds1 also asks me if I'm cross all the time. When he was younger I worried this was because I was pretty short-tempered when I had PND with ds2 and he got used to me always been in a bad mood, but since he got his dx, I've realised it's actually because he genuinely can't tell if I am cross or not from my facial expression, body language and tone of voice.

Merlincat - I know what you mean about the self-fulfilling prophecy. It's kind of inevitable really when they are that incessant.

Ds suffers from extremely high anxiety levels, pretty much across the board and is extremely needy and clingy and in many ways is a lovely, caring boy, but his insecurities often come out in the form of verbal aggression, which he then regrets and as a result gets even more insecure about whether or not he's upset you - its a bit of a viscious circle really.

He's another one that cries easily as well, from regular tears dripping quietly down his face without a lot of fuss, to full on wailing and has had whole days at school where he has basically cried all day.

I'm really worried about secondary school as well, because even if the staff understand and handle it well (which I can't believe will be true of every member of staff) there will be so many more children, who aren't used to him and won't be as tolerant as the classmates he's been with since nursery and he will be wide open to bullying.

Ds has very low self esteem, very insecure, sensitive etc. He also suffers with high anxiety levels. He is extremely passive and will bend over backwards to please. He often writes poetry about his love for me and often compares me to the lovely, nice things in his books etc. He often cries because he knows one day i will die and he doesnt know what he will do without me His anxieties often affect his sleep and eating for example.

Have you tried asking him what he thinks would happen IF you was angry with him? What would be the worse that could happen IF you were angry? Maybe reassuring him that its ok for people to get angry.

Ds rarely gets angry, during his therapy, it came out that although he feels angry, he rarely shows it, he bottles it up and directs it inwards. He doesnt really understand anger and it scares him.

Maybe you could show him what people do when they ARE angry ie raise voices, shout, stomp about or whatever and then compare it to when people are not angry.

Have any of you tried The Incredible 5 point Scale book? I have it but have not used it yet, but think it could help - it teaches children both how to regulate their emotions and how to 'name' them. It could also help you set up a 'code' - eg for messy - teach MessyJr that you are cross on a scale of 1 - 5 so when you're not cross you're on 0. Then you could just make the 0 sign with your fingers across a room, for example?

Am posting and running but may be useful
www.amazon.co.uk/The-Incredible-5-point-Scale-Understanding/dp/1931282528/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334920296&sr=1-1

Wow! Thanks so much - I didn't expect to get so many responses so quickly but I guess it's something that's quite common to Asperger's kids, which although this sounds a bit odd, is actually quite reassuring...

"He often cries because he knows one day i will die and he doesnt know what he will do without me"

Claw4, this has happened in our house quite a lot recently, and I have to spend a lot of time assuring him that I'm not going anywhere soon!

Merlin & Moose, yes it definitely is a self-fulfilling prophecy - I find myself getting a bit short tempered with the constant demands that I'm ok. Will try more to keep it in though knowing that it is his condition and he really can't help it.

Wilson, thanks for the booklink. Have ordered a copy already from Amazon- the joys/perils of OneClick!!

I could have written these posts about my DS who was 12 last week and also has aspergers.

I just wanted to add our experience of coping in secondary school as it was also a big worry of mine this time last year. Luckily for us there was a school relatively near that had a fantastic reputation for their level of pastorial care of pupils, it was the school that on pre selection visits DS felt most comfortable. I had to go to appeal to get him in as it was out of catchment etc but it it was so worth it.

Yes he still crys and gets upset easily but he has a strong support network that has been put together for him and he feels able and confident now to go and seek someone out and they have never ending patience with him. I really thought I was going to have trouble getting him to go to school but he does love it and yes there are teachers he doesnt like who I suspect are not quite so tolerant of him and take him out of his comfort zone.

He has found other children accept the way he operates and now is able to tell his close friends why he crys and wants his Mum when he is finding things tough. I am not naive to think all schools are rosy and its easy for everyone but just wanted to give a positive view and perspective.

DS1 (7 and newly diagnosed) also has anxieties about me being 'cross' and frequently asks me why I have a 'sad face', or why I haven't got a 'happy face' - he doesn't have a very sophisticated handle on emotions, if asked how someone might feel tends to stick to 'happy', 'sad' and maybe excited or angry. If I get a bit tetchy with him he can get very upset - a lot of his anxiety manifests itself it the moment in anger or aggression at home, then if he gets told off he gets frightened and therefore more angry/aggressive and so it goes on until we hit meltdown, he collapses in tears and needs a lot of reassurance that mummy still loves him, yes mummy will always love him, yes mummy loves him even when she feels cross about him hitting/throwing etc etc etc.
We are using the Incredible 5 Point Scale at school - he has a number chart on his desk that he uses to tell the teacher or TA how he is feeling. He is usually very self-contained at school and finds it hard to tell anyone if he is unsure or worried or upset about anything. Hhas managed to use the number chart to express this - the theory is that if he can do this at school then they can sort out any issues and he won't have to bring all the anxiety home with him.
DS2 also bursts into tears over the slightest thing and is worried at the moment that 'Daddy will die soon because he is the oldest'... pretty sure he's NT but I think a degree of anxiety runs in the family.

Ds has something similar in school 1-10 scale of how you are feeling, 1 being the saddest and 10 being the happiest, they have also incorporated into the classroom for everyone. So every registration, every child's name is called, that child shouts out a number 1 to 10. If number is below say 3, that child is then asked to explain why they are feeling sad.

It hasnt worked for ds, mainly i think because although he understands the basic happy and sad, he doesnt understand the more complex emotions, like fear, anxious, anger, disappointment etc, etc so he might be laughing when feeling anxious and indicate happy, when in fact he is feeling anxious. He also cannot explain why he is feeling that way, because he doesnt understand why he is feeling that way.

At home we are working on the physical feelings associated with feelings to help him put a name to them. For example when feeling anxious you might feel sick, have butterflies in your stomach, not want to eat, cant sleep etc, etc.

I have only yesterday been into school about this problem with ds,12 last week, Aspergers, as he is so overly sensitive and thinks a particularly strict teacher is always angry with him when in fact she isnt-she is just someone who speaks sternly to all pupils etc. I find it so wearing sometimes. The slightest correction of him at home is always taken 'the wrong way' and he ends up being really upset about something trivial ,which in turn frustrates me, which in turn upsets him more, which in turn leads to us arguing etc etc GRRRH! It is really hard sometimes! Ds also cries 'at the drop of a hat' and the eyes fill up for the tiniest of things. Claw we too have the 'death fear' of me dying etc.. I find sometimes I'm almost treading on eggshells when I am trying to say something to him-I have to reword something in my head constantly in order to not upset him, have him take it the wrong way etc. I also find that no amount of explaining to him 'what I really meant by saying that ' makes any difference- he takes the first interpretation of it and thats that as far as he is concerned.

Penneyanne, i often hear ds singing that Bruno Mars song you can count on me like 123 and crying in bed, he says it reminds him of me and what is he going to do when i die etc God im welling up just thinking about it.

On the bright side i suppose it is a huge compliment, that all of our ds's must feel that we really understand them, which cant be all bad

Oh God Claw, thats seriously tear-jerking stuff! Welling up myself here just reading it. Ds also loves Bruno Mars!

Bruno is a sensitive guy too

Ds is also OTT with his compliments, he is always telling me how pretty i am and that i look like a princess and im much nicer than everyone elses mum too

Which reminds me i better go and pick him up!

Hope you got there in time Claw!

Aw, at least we have DC that are lovely and affectionate and I suppose it's better than them having a party at the thought of of us kicking the bucket! Now that would be strange....

Ds1 also uses a 10 point feelings scale at school, in the form of a feelings diary that he completes after each playtime, lunch and at the end of the day. He did a lot of work both with an Ed Psych and us to develop his understanding of how he feels physically etc when he is experiencing different emotions and to learn how to scale his emotions. Similar to the work Claw4 is doing with her ds. It has helped him get things into perspective and realise that the whole day is not ruined because of one bad thing that's happened. We also do a termly pie-chart from it that shows the numbers of positive vs negative emotions and this is helping him learn that, in general, he has more good times than bad. It was using this that helped him to stop school refusing and start noticing the positive things about going to school.

We have lots of conversations about how it's perfectly possible to be cross with a behaviour or action but still love the person that did it. We use the phrase "Ds1, you know I love you dearly, but I do not like it when you do X" and "Yes ds1, I am cross with your for doing X, but I still love you. I will always love you, no matter what you do." etc.

PenneyAnne, I also tie myself up in knots regularly trying to think of the best way to word things - it's exhausting and actually makes my brain ache.

Moosemama, ds is very much like too, the whole day is ruined because of the smallest thing. Ds tends to be very extreme, its either 'the best day ever' or the 'worst day ever' .I like the idea of the pie chart, i might give that a go.

Messy thanks, luckily school is just round the corner, so doesnt take long!

That was exactly what ds1 used to say, every day, "today has been the worst day ever". He's still very black and white about his experiences - until we go through the diary and he sees incontravertable evidence that his experiences were actually across a range of emotions - fortunately, he won't argue with 'facts'.

I wish my ds would tell me how pretty I am etc - I don't think he really notices what I look like. In fact we know he has a degree of face blindness and earlier this year realised he recognises his teachers by their feet! (Although logical if you think he is actively avoiding eye contact.) Not good if they happen to buy a new pair of shoes though.

When asked in a PHSE lesson at school about how he knows his mummy loves him - he said, "because she always gives me clean pyjamas to wear". Mind you, that was when he was having a lot of trouble with night wetting, so I could kind of see his logic.

Oh yes moosemama, he will also argue that he never has good days, when he is having a bad day, so pie chart and 'evidence' is brilliant. Although he can change 'facts' to suit him, not if they are in black and white. Will def give that a go.

I think that is why he tells me how pretty i am, he probably has a degree of face blindness too No seriously i think he does, he will describe people by what they are wearing and doesnt know any of their names, im assuming because they change their clothes everyday! He does lip watch a lot, maybe i have pretty lips

Aww, i would love someone who gave me clean pj's to wear too

I am sure you have lovely lips.

I put all the info into Excel, as ds would never argue with what a computer has to say - me yes - but a computer .... never!

Come to think of it, ds practically lives in pjs so I suppose they are pretty important to him. He's barely through the door before he's stripped off his uniform and replaced it with his favourite tatty Star Wars pjs and in the holidays I have to wrestle them off him!

Blimey, how alike all our ds's are-the amount of times I hear the very same words-identical words in fact- ' it was the worst day ever today' because something fairly trivial happened/didnt happen! The other really common thing that I keep seeing time and time again by loads of other people with AS kids is that nearly all of them have a huge love/fascination/obsession with Star Wars. My ds is hugely into-in a big way- star wars computer games but I see others casually mention star wars so often also when talking about their ds- I find it quiet fascinating actually that most AS kids seem to have a huge love for this.What is it about Star Wars?

Same here Moosemama, ds is ALWAYS in his pj's, he only gets changed out of them if we are going out somewhere and always bare foot, he hates slippers or socks! He doesnt like 'going out' and would wear his pj's if he could.

Ds used to be all Star Wars and Lego until about 6 months, he is 8, he has now moved onto Moshi Monsters and Pokemon. Pokemon is a bit outdated as no one else collects Moshi Monsters is quite trendy, his first ever 'trend'! But he only lines them up! I think its the collecting he likes. So maybe Star Wars is quite collectable?

Oh and would add 'little figures' both pokemon and Moshi's have little figures, similar to Star Wars and Lego. The cards have lots of facts and info on too, which ds loves, although he does alter or make up his own facts and info about them too.

My Ds was v scared when he watched star wars at about 8yrs old. I think it was dearth vader breathing. I had bought a box set thinking he would love it. After that he wouldn't watch or have anything to do with star wars!
He is also v sensitive and one thing can upset his whole day. He is v affectionate with me and wants cuddles all the time. He says I am so pretty and he loves me. I do have to reassure him all the time I love him. If I am busy or distracted he thinks I am cross with him. He hardly ever cries though even though he is upset.

Penney, rumour has it that George Lucas most likely has undxd AS, I wonder if that has anything to do with it. Stands to reason that something created by someone with a brilliant autistic mind would appeal to a good proportion of other people who have autism I suppose.

Claw, we have the no socks thing as well, recently had a nightmare because he caught a verruca at school so had to keep him socks on at home. He was seriously unimpressed and insisted on only wearing a sock on the affected foot, rather than a matching pair.

Ds's current obsessions are Star Wars the Clone Wars, Star Wars DSi games, Lego (particularly Lego Star Wars of course), Pokemon and anything Nintendo related. Lesser obsessions are Lego Ninjago and Beyblades. He is phobic about movies, so has never actually seen the Star Wars films. A major old obsession that has died down now was the Zelda game series. He still has an interest in it, but is seriously unimpressed that they are only releasing new games on the Wii rather than the DS.

Interesting insn't it-yes you may be right Moose about star wars and george lucas-I had heard that before about him being on the spectrum! The scale for emotions is quite a good idea so I might pinch that idea and the pie chart is excellent idea also. Flow,sounds like your ds is the same as regards the hyper-sensitivity /day ruined over slightest thing but its interesting to hear he is not into Star Wars-that disproves my theory a bit doesnt it? I'm a bit by all your ds's telling ye how pretty ye are-my ds is far more likely to tell me my nose is too big or I have another wrinkle/frown line "which makes you look a bit ugly really mum". My ds really tells it like it is-takes no prisoners! Mind you, its also possible that you all are indeed extremely pretty-hadn't thought of that .

I love the pie chart idea. Worst day ever 'syndrome' is something I am working on with DS 11 yrs. At the moment we talk about all the good points to see that an entire day is not ruined because the lunch menu changed. He has a phobia about Thursdays because something (trivial to most children) once went wrong on a Thursday and he has never forgotton. We try to feel the Thursday love in our house at the moment