Scared of being a single parent to 2 sn ds's

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

A long story but don't want to drip feed, and I feel safer saying it on here.
Dh and I have not been getting along for a long while. I know I did thing wrong but he lives in the past and seems unable to move on and see he had a part in things.
Basically about 18 months ago we got quite a large payback, after fighting the DLA for 15 months and winning. We spent about half and put half in an ISA, well about a thousand pounds. DH is a self employed plasterer so work can be hit and miss, but he is also quite tight fisted when it comes to what I can spend, ie; he can spend as much as he like while I am made to explain where I have spent money. I don't spend a lot of money but I have to explain why I have bought something IYSWIM. He has never even tried to pay bills, will add up the bills, not include food and tell me I had plenty to play with and sometime will go and check the bank and go mad that there isn't as much as he thought in it, even when he knows there have been bills paid, he just doesn't seem to get that if you pay something the balance goes down. When he is not working he expects to eat and live the same, if not more that if he is in work (cooked breakfasts etc) he would also help himself to some 'pocket money' out of our joint account, when he is working he will put very little into the pot (maybe £20 a week) . Bearing in mind if he is out of work the only money that goes in there is TC, CB, DLA and my CA so limited. Because of all of this I was having to dip into the savings almost every week just to make ends meet, I often told him how difficult it was to pay everything when he was taking £50-70 per week out, each time I would get my head bitten off so decided not to say anything about the savings money. Well needless to say he found out anyway and went mad, accusing me of steeling from ds, taking drugs, gambling! He just doesn't see why it happened, I stole it and don't have a good enough answer as to where it went, as far as he is concerned.
I have now had enough of his crap, I can hardly do anything without being reminded as to how disgusting I am by stealing from my children.
The last few weeks have been the worst, we can barely sit in the same room, don't even touch when in the same bed. A couple of weeks ago I told him it was over, but chickened out and asked for us to try and work at things, ever since then it has been like we are just going through the motions.
Problem is we have a ds with severe adhd and possible crohns and a ds with severe asd, sld and behavioural problems and I am terrified of being a single mum. I have very little family support and no rl friends, only those at my volunteer job is parent partnership and my local parent carer forum.

Blimey keepingup. I have no advice, just sorry things are so difficult with your marriage.
Why dont you get family help?

Keepingup,

I'm so sorry things are falling apart.

Is there any explanation for his behaviour. Not excusing it but us he in denial about lack of work opportunities ATM or depressed ?

There have been a few 'break-ups' on this board in the last couple of years so hopefully someone with more experience will come along but you might be having to chose between having to manage the well being of two or having to do if for three if your do is zapping you emotionally. You certain,y need to look after your self esteem I you are going to be any good for your children.

Oh, shit, keeping. My STBex Dickhead left in Sept and TBH, I don't miss him. But my DC are older, I think, 14, 12 and 9 and only the 12 yo has SN. I am managing fine alone, (except for missing some adults to talk to) but it would have been a different story a few years back.

You do need some sort of support network around you. My 'mummy' friends have been either great or I haven't seen them for dust. It's weeded out some insincere ones! Mumsnet has become more important and my only company often. Also I work part time in a school, which is very important, holidays are a struggle.

Dickhead is having the DC alternate w/e s and while I hate it, it does give me the chance to rest. Would your 'D' H have yours at all, do you think? It sounds like you might manage financially, but emotionally? Do you know any other SN parents? They have always been the most loyal and understanding.

I'd say think about it very seriously, weigh up the pros and cons and if necessary, build up a support network before you decide. It may be that he's no damn help anyway, but if he is, it's a lot to take on. Can it (cynically) wait a few years until things get easier? (If they're likely to?)

(((Hugs))) The relationship board was good for me in the early days, but they are a bit militant and they DO NOT understand how much harder it is when SN are included. They would tell you to 'leave the bastard' I'm sure!

It is possible to cope without someone who is actually more of a hindrance than a help. But you need some RL support. Xx

Those parents you volunteer with could turn into strong allies. Don't be shy about asking for their help.

Write down everything you spend for a week/month. Your dh is living in cloud cuckoo land!

I have this terrible fear that there is little support out there for you. What do you think? You must try and atleast save the DLA, because in an ideal world that money is supposed to be used for the extra needs that a Sn child brings.
Why don't you ask your dh to draw out the money for you, give it to you. You then use it. And don't buy him the fry up ingrediants etc. Live within you budget. Don't touch the DLA. And see how dh likes the reality of how much money you do actually have. Not an ideal plan long term, but it would be a shock that would make him notice.

sorry to hear that keeping, that sounds really tough. You haven't stolen from your kids, bills need paying, where did he think the money was coming from?!

Don't have anything much useful to say. but just wanted to send some supportive thoughts.

Did wonder if a written budget might help him 'see' what is going in and out, (dh and I agree that we each have 'spendies' IF there is enough in the budget) if it is down on paper then it might deflect his (unreasonable) anger. Money advice org (CAB? Local Debt Councelling agency?) might help you set/agree/negotiate that with him?

Is the money issue standing in for other issues for him? IYSWIM... Would he consider relationship counselling, is that something you want......?

I hope things improve, I know there are people on her with lots of more useful experience...

I understand how you feel as am in a very similar position. My current strategy is to start to prepare for separating by looking into financial aspects and also being very upfront with my dp. I have started to make arrangements to do stuff for myself which I want to do whereas in the past I would always keep quiet to avoid annoying or upsetting him. I can of course totally understand your reticence because I also have 2 sn dc and am very wary of going it alone too. I think in the short term the budget writing might at least shut him up but probably won't change how you feel about him. I would start building a new life whilst still living there. Do you think your dh would want to look after the children for part of the week if you separated?

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you all. Thank you for you replies. Well we talked about it last night, he brought it up. cansu I am doing the same, I have looked into things and am prepared. sign I think you are right about the money issue, it is just an excuse, he said as much last night. We have grown apart what with the boys issues, we have dealt with it in very different ways. oblo we use the DLA for various things, at the time when I was using it, ds was on a very restricted GF/DF diet which is very expensive, I was also having to fund adult size nappies myself, he suffers from problems with his bowels and was going through about 7-8 a day, this was a huge expense that H was aware of.
Last night was very surreal, we just talked very calmly, no shouting, it was weird. He admitted he felt the same and was very practical about everything.
Got to go as I have to take ds1 to docs, will come back later and explain more.

Well we are gradually working though things. We have decided that splitting would be the best thing for now. He is going to stay until he finds somewhere else. We have also said that we are not going to make any final decisions about divorce for at least 6 months. I am going to stay in the house with the kids and he is going to have the boys a few days a week, either stay over or for a few hours after school. Everything is very reasonable, I can't help thinking that it is all going to blow any second. I think we both just know things can not carry on the way they have been.
We have already gone down the writing everything down route and making him pay things, but now I just think money is an excuse.
ellen I know what you mean about the relationships board, I lurk on there now and again, and have posted but they just don't get it. They just say 'leave the bastard' and it doesn't matter about your kids you can't keep the house.
oodles and tall I only really have my mum, she had breast cancer 3 years ago and has never been the same since, she also doesn't really get it. The girls in the forum have been fab, a few of us have become quite close and now go for coffee away form it, I broke down in front of one of them last week a she was fab.

I'm so sorry, keeping. It's a hard decision, but how do you feel now it's out in the open? Relieved, or wish it had been left unsaid? I hope it's relieved, because then you know in your heart of hearts it's the right decision. If you are still unsure a 6 month trial will hopefully make it clear what's right.

So long as you can both continue to be good parents. Make sure he keeps up his access, it will do your DC and you nothing but good.

It would be much easier without the SN, much easier to make these decisions. You will cope, because you have to, and the daily routines have to go on. Please work at getting that RL support in place. Tell people you need support. Most are only too happy to feel useful. (((hugs))) Stay on here, too.

Keeping. My mum and Dad split when I and my 3 brothers were children.

I hardly noticed. Mum and Dad had a rule that we had pretty much unlimited access to the other. We knew we could phone whichever one we weren't with any time night or day. And actually we were allowed guilt free to choose who we lived with. We swapped quite a bit and our choices actually had more to do with which sibling we dud or did not want to live with.

I suppose what I am saying is that if you don't make a big deal of it to the kids there's no need for them to think of it as any kind of drama, just a different arrangement.

Good point, Star. Though I also think that the DC need their routine to stay as similar as possible when they are young and to begin with. How old are your DC?

Mine have accepted the new routine of alternate w/e s and alternate Tuesdays really well. It depends a bit who did the lion's share of the childcare before. If it was 50/50 then they need to see more of their dad than 2 days, if it was much more you, then 2 days a week seems fine (to me.) Make sure you don't lose all weekends, that should be fun time, you should share it. You do need some time for yourself as well, so an overnighter with their dad would be a good idea.

Hopefully, as your separation is pretty amicable, you'll be able to continue to work together for the DC's sake. Mine wasn't and TBH I find it hard to be entirely reasonable with him. [sheepish smile]

That sounds like a fab arrangement star. I think that is more likely to be what happens with ds2 but ds3 will need a lot more routine. My experience was very different, my mum and dad split when I was a baby and my dad was very inconsistent with contact, in fact I only remember seeing him 3-4 times before I was 15.
Should say ds1, different dad, doesn't live with us so no drama there, he has his own place.

I know it is hard Ellen. I imagine it must have been for my parents when we didn't choose to live with one. But honestly, it had very little to do with them actually and more to do with which house had the better tv, was closer to our friends house etc.

But I do think SN adds a whole other element as consistency becomes more important than ever and you NEED to communicate well with each other fir that. It must be tough.

Obviously there a REASONS you cannot live together and part of that is usually due to impossible to solve communication issues.

Like he found it impossible to tell me he had another woman?

We both agree that it is important we can be 'friends'. DS2 will be reliant on us for life and we need to be able to communicate. I have always done the lions share of the care, so it makes sense for them to spend more time with me.

This is going to sound really awful, but I'll say it anyway because it might be important.

Financially, are you actually better off apart? If dp is in an out of work you must spend ages in the no-man's land of being eligible/ not being eligible for school lunches etc. Alone, they'd vary the maintenance he 'pays' depending on if hes working, which affects benefits eventually, but not 'sorry, you had 3 days work, no JSA and please reapply now'. And as a single parent, might social services fund some respite and/or a morning carer (yes, I do see tonight's flying swine under that nice blue moon, worth a try though?)

I'm wondering about the nitty-gritty of the various payments available, im a bit rusty after the recent changes, also depending which child 'lives' where (given it sounds like you're going to share the care etc) whether it makes much difference to the benefits. And, being really nasty now, it would mean he couldn't opt out of the SN lifestyle, get a job and keep the proceeds or get cosy with a she's-you-but-how-you-used-to-be-before-the-SN-kids stepford wife complete with cash-dispensing mouth.

It looks to me as though joint accounts are nightmarish even if you get on so much better apart, that being together again happens. And Im asking myself the usual asd-mums-in-RL question 'is the DH on the spectrum?'

what everyone always says on the mainstream threads is get a solicitor sharpish, ignore the reasonable approach it's just a ploy. Hopefully they'd nonsense but some professional advice is unlikely to go amiss.

maria I get exactly what you mean, about it being a ploy, he has gone a bit backwards tonight.
To be honest we manage with out claiming any other benefits at the moment, the only thing we do claim is council tax benefit, and only because the way our LA do it, based on income, even if he works a day or so a week we still qualify IYSWIM. We discovered very quickly that it is just not worth claiming anything else, all I did for months was send copies of stuff to various places, only to find by the time they had sorted it we didn't qualify any more, All the benefits are in my name, DLA, CB and TC so he would have some difficulty in changing that to be honest. He has no SN lifestyle, only at home, his life hasn't changed in anyway on the outside. My biggest worry in the first instance is that TC will stop while I do a single claim, it is do-able, just. Hopefully my mum will help out a bit.
DS3 already gets 4-6 hours DP with an agency, through SS now and he has a regular carer, and with where I volunteer I know there is no chance of any more, also he is too young for our local overnight place, but what we get is quite good as we also get play scheme for both the boys i.e. they get to go and do fun stuff away from me with kids like them (we live in quite a good LA). I have researched about maintenance, also know someone who has just had it out with DWP and they no longer affect benefits not that there will be much in that way. I have looked into solicitors and found a local one who seems very good and sorts out legal aid straight away, I am going to make an appointment as soon as the boys go back to school, next week.
I have occasionally wondered if he is on the spectrum, but to be honest I doubt it, he is very set in his ways but it is ore about being stubborn than anything.
I have already decided the first thing I am going to do is take my name off the joint account, I like my bank so want to stay with them but don't want the connection to that account.

How old is ds3? Local overnight respite services can apply to ofsted for a variation, ss are reluctant to tell people this though until they are in crisis.
My ds who has the same paper difficulties as yours went to overnight respite at 6 when the normal age is 8-9.
Look after yourself too, I also was a volunteer for pp for years but when the shit hit the fan they were not interested any more - only in when I would be coming back. It shocked me tbh. Look at the history of the volunteers at your pp, do they retain them or just get what they can out of them
Good luck with everything.

DS3 is 5, our local overnight is 8 too and they are very strict about it. I am lucky as I know the head pps officer, she is an old friends of my mums, the volunteers there stay for years, there is 1 that has been there for 10 years. The service here is very good, offering free therapies and counselling, they pay for us to do training too, I did PTLLS (adult teaching) last year, this year I am doing NVQ level 3 in health and social care. That is terrible mushroom, with what the service does, it beggars belief.

Well it hasn't stayed nice and reasonable. He is refusing to take on my decision to separate He is now saying he want shared responsibly of dc, or joint custody as he calls it. He says I don't want that as it will mean I will have to go out and get a job! I am going to ring the solicitors this morning. Poor ds2 is really suffering at the moment, he is sensing problems and reacting really badly, he wanted to run away yesterday, 'h' is screaming and shouting at him for the slightest thing.

:( Definitely call the solicitors first thing Keeping

Keeping

Do seek proper legal advice. I did not think he was going to remain reasonable unfortunately. Such men never are.

Also this stood out to me from your first post:-

"H is a self employed plasterer so work can be hit and miss, but he is also quite tight fisted when it comes to what I can spend, ie; he can spend as much as he like while I am made to explain where I have spent money".

That is called financial abuse and is all part of controlling behaviour. Controlling behaviour like the above is abusive.