Scared of being a single parent to 2 sn ds's

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

A long story but don't want to drip feed, and I feel safer saying it on here.
Dh and I have not been getting along for a long while. I know I did thing wrong but he lives in the past and seems unable to move on and see he had a part in things.
Basically about 18 months ago we got quite a large payback, after fighting the DLA for 15 months and winning. We spent about half and put half in an ISA, well about a thousand pounds. DH is a self employed plasterer so work can be hit and miss, but he is also quite tight fisted when it comes to what I can spend, ie; he can spend as much as he like while I am made to explain where I have spent money. I don't spend a lot of money but I have to explain why I have bought something IYSWIM. He has never even tried to pay bills, will add up the bills, not include food and tell me I had plenty to play with and sometime will go and check the bank and go mad that there isn't as much as he thought in it, even when he knows there have been bills paid, he just doesn't seem to get that if you pay something the balance goes down. When he is not working he expects to eat and live the same, if not more that if he is in work (cooked breakfasts etc) he would also help himself to some 'pocket money' out of our joint account, when he is working he will put very little into the pot (maybe £20 a week) . Bearing in mind if he is out of work the only money that goes in there is TC, CB, DLA and my CA so limited. Because of all of this I was having to dip into the savings almost every week just to make ends meet, I often told him how difficult it was to pay everything when he was taking £50-70 per week out, each time I would get my head bitten off so decided not to say anything about the savings money. Well needless to say he found out anyway and went mad, accusing me of steeling from ds, taking drugs, gambling! He just doesn't see why it happened, I stole it and don't have a good enough answer as to where it went, as far as he is concerned.
I have now had enough of his crap, I can hardly do anything without being reminded as to how disgusting I am by stealing from my children.
The last few weeks have been the worst, we can barely sit in the same room, don't even touch when in the same bed. A couple of weeks ago I told him it was over, but chickened out and asked for us to try and work at things, ever since then it has been like we are just going through the motions.
Problem is we have a ds with severe adhd and possible crohns and a ds with severe asd, sld and behavioural problems and I am terrified of being a single mum. I have very little family support and no rl friends, only those at my volunteer job is parent partnership and my local parent carer forum.

oh no keeping

Hi, so sorry this is happening, it must be really really stressful on top of supporting two children with SN.

I split with DD's dad when she was 8months. At the time we didn't know about her learning disability but she has a genetic disorder too so we were in hospital a lot which was tough but tbh I had felt I was managing all of that alone at the time anyway. It actually felt a relief to not have the arguments and drama all the time. We also had money stress which really made us both different people, it was a really hard time. Its not been easy but XP and I get on much better now and DD I guess doesn't know any different.

The thing I have found hard is disagreeing occasionally over issues related to DD, surgery was a big one but then we would have disagreed if we were a couple too we just may have been nicer to each other about it. Maybe!

Good luck and hope things improve soon. Gingerbread have a helpline and are quite good about phone advice iirc.

Keeping, if Attilla is right then the fight over the children will be about control and abuse if YOU and nothing to do with them as will be how he treats them if upsetting them will upset you.

Despite what he says, can you actually see him truly WANTING them on an equal basis?

Them on the main board won't understand the SN element but they will understand the controlling behaviour aspect so you might want to post there as well.

Going forward, some of your strategies need to be as they would on this board. Keeping written diary/records and perhaps email suggestions and ways forward etc. as soon as he has moved out and if you can justify it, before, ensuring you email 'clarification' of something daft/abusive he has said in person.

Thanks all. star I KNOW the fight over the boys is more about me than them. It is all about his need for control, not leaving his house, not missing out on his children, when he does nothing to the house as he doesn't see the point and he doesn't mind only seeing the boys for a matter of 5 mins a day in between them coming home from school and him going to the pub!
I know I should go on the main relationships board, but I just don't feel strong enough to be honest, been there before and was told straight the kids sn didn't count!

keeping

I would say to you that overall it is better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

Please consider posting on the relationships board; there are posters who inhabit that part of the board as well who will give good counsel and who will recognise controlling behaviour for what it is. Not all of them either will discount your childrens SN, I certainly for one would not.

Your H is not a good husband let alone father to his children and I stand by my assertion that he is at the very least financially abusive towards you.

You may well want to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Thanks attila. I have told him straight, didn't take any of his crap this time and he is going. I have given him a deadline of 3 weeks, don't know why just the first thing that came into my head. He has agreed, thank god. I will go have a lurk on there and see how I feel about posting.