Both parents of SEN child working full-time in highly stressful professions - can we support effectively?

[mulranno]

My Dd3 has a SpLD (not dyslexic), and despite an IQ of 137, intensive extra support at her private school in term time and throughout the holidays is functioning about 2.5yrs below her chronological age (10). She has also v challenging behaviour problems at home only (volatile, bullys siblings, aggressive, demanding, controlling etc) but is v quiet and timid at school and out of the home. My theory is that she is anxious and overwhelmed by school and lets all her frustration out at home. We are all exhausted on the one hand by her behaviour in the home as well as the patient (sometimes painful)hand holding to get through reading and homework every evening after a long day at work. Are we deluded that we can carry on with both of us working full time? Part-time is not an option in either of our careers - Do we need to re assess where one of us stays home to support her more effectively? Do other families cope with both parents working FT and effectively supporting child with SEN? Or are we just light-weights? We have 3 other children close in age and we both work FT soley to pay school fees as opposed to funding some luxury lifestyle or satisfying a career passion.

I consider myself unable to work due to ds's disability. Not so much managing him, but managing and fighting for appropriate support for him that will improve his life chances. To achieve this we sold our house.

I don't think though that there is one model though. Finances can certainly help considerably. If I could hav bought some if what I have fought for I would have.

Working part time might seem like it isn't a possibility but I think you'd be surprised at the opportunities in the current market. Your skills may be transferable to another more family-friendly career too.

My rather jaundiced view is, remember that marriages of parents of DC with SN are more likely to fail than average. So be careful what you give up...

Though, TBH, I wouldn't change the fact that I was a SAHM as my DS2 really needed that at the time, it's just a shame I'm now on my own and my career is down the pan.

That's a very valid point Ellen. I am in a very vulnerable position ATM and probably will be in the future.

We would have to sell up and downsize for one of us to stop work - but I am OK with that. I think that I feel exhausted trying to manage everthing and maybe another way would help the whole family and have better outcomes for our daughter - or at least we would have more energy to cope and sustain our support

Is a sabbatical an option for you? Will give you some time to see how things go at home and you wouldn't have to make a decision about giving up work right away.

mulranno First of all, I admire you working full time with 4 children, SN or not!

I can understand how difficult it must be. The behaviour your dd3 shows at home sounds similar to my ds1. It is very exhausting and affects family life A LOT! I have spent the past 1.5 years trying to get support in place for him both at nursery as well as for us at home. I have only just managed that, and now I have to kickstart the whole thing again for ds2.

I so want to work. A little extra money would help, but also to have a little bit of a life outside the home. And, as Ellen said, it gives you independence too. our dcs do put a lot of strain onto our relationship, and although we are still very much together I do sometimes think about the what ifs. There is no way that I would be able to support me and our 3 ds. To make matters worse, we are in Germany, and Germany will not recognise my uni education. I would have to go back to uni and study the same things again...for 4 years!

Sorry, I am rambling, am very frustrated myself at not being able to work at all. Is there no way for you to work part time? then once things get easier both for you and your dd you could up the hours again? How old are your other dcs? as others have said, there is no right or wrong way, no perfect model. and whatever you do you probably still think that you could be doing it better...well, I do anyway.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do!

dav9aug - I work as a freelance consultant so hence the no PT option - I could take some time out but there is a real risk that my contacts and business opportunities would just be devoured by the competition....would just mean I would need to work harder to build it up again - but it is doable

Mulranno who looks after your dcs after school and on the holidays?

We have had a series of nannies - most recent just resigned - so this is just another complex situation to rectify and has probably brought it to a head for me. All of the nannies have found her behaviour very challenging (and I would not be surprised if it were the reason they resigned - although it has never been said) Holidays she often goes to cousins as my sisters all teach -- where she is perfectly behaved and very happy. Other children are 13, 11 and 5

Don't forget that it COSTS money to work.

I once worked out that it cost me half my salary (not inc. childcare) just to go to work. Transport, work clothes, lunch, snatched bought coffee etc. but quite a bit more due to being time-poor I.e not being able to buy veggies from market or use charity shops or use leisure services at off-peak times.

So, she knows how to behave because she can control herself both at school and staying at your sisters. Therefore, her challenging behaviour is telling you something that she cannot express herself. This might well not be 'I want you to stop work' but more along the lines of deep frustration and also lack of self esteem. The latter is the biggest cause of everything bad in my opinion as a SENCO and I've worked in state and now in private. I'm also mum to flyingboy who has loads of SEN. So first thing you need to do is work out what she is trying to 'tell' you or express to you via her behaviour. I think you are right in that home is her release. She is angry at the nannies because they are not you or her dad but equally she is is angry at you because you are not stopping her feeling inadequate at school. She knows that she isn't performing the same as everyone else and she is at the bottom of the pile. As I have recently discovered going to work in private all girls, girls are quick to subtly point out another's inadequacies but painted as something else. Also there won't be the 'bottom of the pile' which will be the bonkers boy (which was my son in state) there who deflects all the attention.
You say she is ably supported. In what way and how and for how much time. I've worked part time (although get the holidays) and hubby is full time. It's been tough but I need work to escape to. I think I would have gone mad without it.

I think you need to talk to her honestly about her behaviour, what she wants, what the options are. The last thing you need is her still being obnoxious when you've given up work and then you start to resent her because that could easily happen. She is old enough to have some input into the decision making. Is the school she is in right for her. Does she feel some sort of pressure to come up to the same standards as her siblings (I'm not saying you put her under that pressure - it could well be something she does herself).

Can I suggest you approach this as if it were someone who was coming to you for outside consultancy and apply the same procedures and analytical thought. It might sound a bit cold blooded but a bit of objectivity goes a long way into what would be a massive decision.

Very wise post from Flyingmum!

thx - we do need to get to the bottom of her emotional/behavioural state. I am not convinced that her SEN is exactly linked to her behaviour as she was a very fiesty baby (although I am sure it now contributes to it) - I remember her very agressively lashing out at me and lying on her back on the kitchen the floor kicking the cupboards to bits at 9 months old - she also has night terrors at a v young age - my friend was reminding me just yesterday about how she just clung to me as a toddler -so I have seen a lot of the behaviour/emotional trauma/frustration way before she was at school or nursery.

Interesting reaction to my OP - as I was expecting a barrage of "dont be so deluded continuing to work", "get a grip - leave work and be there for your child" - as per the recent "best thing about being a SAHM" thread....

I was on a post baby career break when DS regressed with autism and have never got back on the career ladder but now work PT. I do regret that I have lost my salary and am unlikely to ever resume my career and do worry what it means for the future (pension of virtually zero, not able to help other children through university). However I do know it was what DS needed as he was left with inadequate support in nursery and leaving him there all day was just not an option.
Before you take this step I would think about whether there are other ways round it
e.g. are there any specialist schools your child could go to where needs would be catered for better during the day and not have the spill over into home - you would probably need to apply for a statement of SEN?
Could you afford private support / training for you and partner to better manage behaviour at home?
Is there a behaviour support team e.g. linked to CAMHS or Local Authority you might be able to access?

Also think if you could cope on one salary.
Are you claiming everything e.g. DLA, direct payments you may be entitled to and might allow you to buy in some help in the evenings?
Have you worked out what you would get in tax credits etc if you were to give up work? It might be more than you think.
Would any of your children do equally well in a mainstream school? Could move to a good State 6th form? Get a scholarship?

2.5 years behind might be what is developmentally right for her, she may get there in the end but just take longer. I would probably be tempted to put some money into getting some behaviour input / training / support for you as parents (this should be available on NHS etc but often is hard to access) even if it means not doing holiday support and see if that improves things.

We do applied behaviour analysis (used mostly but not exclusively for children with autism) and once you have been taught strategies to manage behaviour you alter your parenting and get much better at keeping things in control. I am not saying its easy to stay on top of behaviour but now we have the skills and techniques my DS behaviour is much better and outbursts short-lived.We also work closely with those who support him at school to ensure we are all being consistent in how we respond to behaviour issues.

You are also entitled to (unpaid) parental leave for a disabled child which you maybe would want to think about to give you all some breathing / thinking space or time to go on training etc

Giving up work will not in itself be a solution if you do not know how to get control of behaviour.

I know someone who puts their autistic child in nursery when they are not at work as they cannot cope with their child's behaviour at home. Having the skills is just as important as having the time.

I would also say that State mainstream was a disaster for my child and I know few parents with children with SpLD who are happy with the help their child gets so I would be wary of giving up an income that funds good quality private support. But you need to regain control on the home front as behaviours could become entrenched.

Don't give up work if you prefer to be at work rather than at home. You'll only resent it and resent her.

I have 3 children with various mildish SEN and have always worked full time. I get depressed if I don't work......

thankyou Agnes

The waving not drowing free magazine might be a source of support,it is for parents of children with sn who work.Also try Fledglings or Mike Ayres for some ideas for maybe a chill out room that she might enjoy after school,she might enjoy that bit of breathing space.Good Luck,you sound as though you are doing a great job.Google those names I have given you as I can`t do links

Also,for any parents of children with profound disabilities (or any one interested for that matter) google Information Exchange (flo longhorn),totally brilliant ideas .Sorry mulranno,to hijack your thread.My ds who is now nearly 24 has extremely challenging behaviour,at your dds age I used to put on his lights and put soothing music on.If it didnt help him it helped me!I have always worked full time.I think your dd`s difficulties are different but maybe the chance to relax would be helpful,take care.

Mulranno - being a SAHM can be very draining. I also have 4 kids, 3 with SN and I salute you for continuing to work. I haven't worked now since October 1999, and the thought of returning terrifies me as my skills are out of date and I am 43 this year.

I think that your DD probably struggles with the school / home life balance and maybe the nannies have helped contribute to this. Can you adjust your hours so that you are home from 3 o'clock? I think that you may need to seek a professional to get to the bottom of why she kicks off at home, yet is better behaved at school. Do you think that she blames you for not being home? Girls are definitely more emotional and manipulative than boys at that age, IME. Really, really hard for you.
My DD is very wilful, and part of me wonders if it's hormonal (she's 12) or because she hasn't coped with the transition to Secondary from Primary. We constantly have confrontational behaviours to deal with. It colours how you look at them when they are behaving dreadfully. Has your DD changed schools around the time this behaviour started?

SallyBear - she has always been very aggressive at home only - even from a baby - she has moved schools recently and this is her current rant but as my husband has said nothing makes her happy - and we have to concentrate on what we believe she needs and not what she wants

mulranno The challenging behaviour at home section of your post is exactly the same as my DS1 (9) . Until last Sept I was a SAHM, but I am now studying to get back into the workplace in a new career that hopefully will allow me part time hours.
DS was different at home than school even when I was at home, he has never had childcare other than me, so in my case, not working seems to have made little difference to this outcome.
It is also quite difficult ime, to get professionals to take behavioural differences at home only seriously - and therefore offer help. School are only just starting to accept that maybe DS is different at home as his behaviour could now be affecting his siblings - who are at the same school.
As zzzzz said - do you think that being at home will improve your DD's behaviour, or add extra/different stresses to other parts of your family life?
Tough times

mulranno. I was a SAHM for 10 years and I went slightly off the rails by the end. I went back to work for very little money when it was all added up but I needed to become me again if you know what I mean.

I now work pt for the LA (I know, boo hiss ) in a very stressful role, but equally much better paid.

I am considering handing in my notice because of DS2 SN, but I am afraid of going off the rails again, and so my DH is quite against the idea.

Just recently we had a difficult time with DS at school. Being at work was good because I was so busy I didn't have time to stress and worry about it. That only happened driving to and from and when at home!

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. It might come down to a simple list of pros and cons.

If you do give up, make sure you do have something to do, be it charity work or something to keep you occupied and your brain in gear!

All the best with whatever decision you make.