complex mental health problems?

[onwardandupwards]

Any advice really really welcome (and needed) I have a ds who is 7, he is very aggressive, he slammed my front door so hard the glass shattered. He has meltdowns everywhere we go, he soils/wets himself on purpose and will then spread it around, he is always talking about death, he will not do anything i ask even if it is just washing his hands, he wont dress himself, is very anxious and will not talk to people outside of the house(it took him 8 months to speak to his teacher) he cant stand lies and has to know the truth, hates reading and writing, is great with numbers though. Heres the flip he goes into school and is a different boy he is very quiet in fact he rarely speaks, is not aggressive but very passive and calm the school have said they dont ask much of him as if they tell him off he messes himself and spreads it round classroom which then has to be deep cleaned. (The only time school sees a problem is if theres a trip as it freaks him out not being in the right place or not wearing uniform on a school day) No mums speak to me as they think hes odd and i cant parent. He is hyperactive and gets up alot in the night it takes between 3 and 5 hrs to get him from tea to bed and if he is up before me he wakes me up by screaming down my ear or hitting me. I have seen a pead consultant who says he has complex mental needs what does this mean? His school told me to call supernanny?!! I go to bed in tears as when my ds is lovely he is an amazing loving little boy. I have a appointment for CAHMS in April. If anyone can offer any advice it is so welcome, i have no friends as ds barks at them (like a dog) or just flips moods constantly and they cant deal with him as he hates public places they trigger meltdowns. Thanks for reading and sorry its so long.

i wonder what "complex mental needs" is supposed to mean... from the post here it sounds more than a little bit ASD-ish, but there isn't such a thing as a single version of asd, every single child has their own traits and personality that affect how it manifests itself. I mostly say that because of the change to routine, no uniform etc "freaking him out" as you say - yes I understand that one perfectly btw. CAMHS ime will have it sorted, although please do be prepared for it to take many months. You will get the right help for him in the end, but it's no quick process. We got ds1s dx in "super quick time" at a mere eight months. Apparently that's the speed of light for CAMHS. Any records, diaries, developmental records and stuff that you have, take with you. We were asked all kinds of stuff from whether he crawled to what his first words were, and given that we were there with a 10yo and have 3dc, I have to say we weren't the perfect parents and had to scratch our heads a bit for the sort of fine detail they wanted.
Don't ever lose sight of that fact that you have an amazing and loving little boy. Yes there's crap - and literally, as well as metaphorically, but he's yours and you are the best advocate he's got. Blaming difficulties like the ones you describe on parenting went out with the 1960s so just ignore any twats other parents who think it's anything other than a condition which is yet to be diagnosed or properly understood. There are plenty of us here with various situations but floating in the same sort of boat mostly up a creek with no paddle
keep posting ....what's your biggest need just now? Support for you? Strategies for him? can we help?

I first noticed things were not right at 18 months since then it has been one consultant after another each saying some thing different, dont know if complex mental health needs was code for dont have a clue. The last consultant said he is not autistic but could have PDA or Early Onset Bipolar? Just need some ideas of how to deal with these meltdowns. I also have a dd 11 who has lots of health problems herself. I dont leave the house friday to monday as people stare and i dont know what to do.

have you tried the diary/calendar/schedule idea, so that everything is predictable or planned as far as he's concerned? I wondered PDA too, but as we keep saying it's best to leave the dx to the professionals just that it's a guide if there are any clues as to how he's thinking. That being part of the key as to how to help him out. Have you tried any sort of hand massage or relaxation with him? We taught ds to do this when calm, often at bedtime and we'd read stories and got him really relaxed, then did hand massage and somewhere down the line suggested that he might want to use it himself as a calm-down strategy when he gets wound up before hitting someone instead
it may sound random but we ended up doing food diaries or months and tracking behaviour and found a few triggers, in addition to his food allergies which is what we were supposed to be monitoring in the first place.
Does your ds have anything that interests him? Favourite hobbies or pastimes, like games consoles or anything?

No abuse or trauma. His dad left us when ds was one day old, so its just me, ds and dd. Have not ever had a bloke over, i dont go out and ever leave him. I spend time with him doing what he wants to do, i cook from scratch and the house is clean and tidy, he sees his nanny every weekday, i really dont know what else i can change, rewards have no effect and i do have house rules, we have a support worker and even she is running out of ideas. He seen a play therapist and spent the whole time colouring in a picture he didnt speak until we were on our own again.

oops - didn't finish sentence....was saying have you tried getting him to earn stars or minutes or whatever to do his favourite activity?

x post. He's clearly complex but you understand him best. It's hard to keep going by the sound of it, do you ever get a break?

Yes i got a break 4 months ago when my dd was kept in hospital for 2 nights, apart from that no i dont. Ds loves his dsi but a teacher told me it was not a babysitter i tried to explain i dont leave him on it for hours just enough time to wash up or clean up his mess. He loves numbers. I brought a sticker chart and was really positive about it, he just riped it up.

I would be keeping a diary as suggested above to give camhs a head start. You've been referred to the right place, it's just waiting lists are frustrating.

I might also be tempted to see if medicating at night would work to see if more sleep might help (you and him lol). Have you tried melatonin? Not suggesting sleep would be a fix, but it would be beneficial for all concerned if you could instigate a sleep routine. Has the gp ever prescribed any meds for anxiety etc? Or are they all waiting for camhs?

Will give the diary thing a go though, do you write down everything?

They have all said they are waiting for camhs to take the lead. I tried rescue remedy for his anxiety but seemed to do nothing. Someone said theres a product called badger balm that helps children sleep.

onward are you describing my dd a few yrs ago? only difference is she was the same at school. my dd is a lot better now, it was all trial and error but found a few things that worked, if you want to pm me i'm here to offer support.

my ds understands days and dates, but not time. BPD is the main suggestion, have started a diary this morning, have wrote down time he got up, mood he was in, what hes eaten, not sure if thats right. I was told today dd cannot claim DLA, dont know what to do there either as her moods are up and down either very happy and chatty or low and wont even get dressed or speak to me (she also has chronic fatigue,kidney and bowel problems) just feel stuck! thank you all so much for all the help and advice.

Onwards my heart goes put to you and your ds. And it must be pretty hard on your DD too.
Re the supernanny suggestion, don't take it as an insult. The parents of children with complex needs do have to work a lot harder than the rest. Being 'good enough' is ok for typically developing children. Otherwise, I say take all the advice and help you can get. We have seen a private behavioral therapist whose advice has made family life significantly easier. I think this sort of advice does need to be tailored to the child. Like you say your ds just tore up the star chart.

Is there anyway you can get him out for a bit of exercise after school and at weekends? Staying in all weekend becomes a vicious cycle, his behavior deteriorates from being cooped up, then you fear taking him out because he's being so awful etc.

Well done for cooking from scratch. There are also useful threads on vitamin supplements and common food intolerances. A lot of people here seem to have seen improvement from that. Are his poos ok?

onwards, just really wanted to offer you support and send you big hugs. Poor you, you really need and so deserve a break. My ds also has complex needs though different to yours he is still in nappies and faecal smears given half a chance this for me is by far the most challenging behaviour so my heart really goes out to you. Would it be possible to phone camhs and explain that you realise there is a waiting list but you really cant go on any more, explain situation getting worse and your getting no help / support. I was on wait list this is what i did and the psychologist called me back next day and arranged to see me within about 3 days, so definite worth a try. My ds assessments ongoing but camhs have been totally amazing they see my ds exactly how i see him and are getting all the tests and assessments done really quickly. Hope you manage to get some help real soon. x

Thank you all for your advice. I try to take him out at weekends but he just has meltdowns/mega tantrums, we have been asked to get off buses, leave cinemas, get out of pools ect. The pead consultant told me today she is refering him to a complex mental needs team as he does not meet the standard criteria for autisim. The school says they cannot help much until they know what they are dealing with. Cannot afford to go private with him have been saving but not enough yet.

dc dad had bipolar and his other daughter had mh problems.

Thank you for advice about DLA.

Both dc have same df.