Getting to school on time

[mariasalome]

Ok, have namechanged (a bit) for my new secret mission of calling the senco's bluff. DS has anxiety +++ in the morning. He also has a disorganised mum and a busy household of siblings and lost schoolbags. And in all fairness, the asd is only half the reason we're always late.

School tried having a quiet word with me (ok, more than once), then encouraging DS, then putting punctuality on his IEP. And now I have a letter from the head. Obviously, I did the schedules, visual timetables, sticker charts, sweeties, advance preparation, yadda, yadda. To little avail. Not done the social story yet, so now I've noticed the gap I'll get writing .

So this thread is me holding myself to account, so if (when?) we are late despite my efforts, I'll know it's mainly or entirely due to the meltdowns and routines, not to my bumbling, and hopefully be able to prove it to school.

We do as much as possible the night before. We have a timeline for dd1, clothes, shoes, breakfast, ect.
We also have no tv or pc time in the morning.

what lisad said, also timers sometimes help to encourage getting clothes on faster. We have used prospect of tv computer as a carrot for getting ready quickly but that can backfire if you are then having to battle to get them off it again when it's time to leave.

But also the school should get off your back, and credit you with doing your best - you shouldn't have to prove your case to them.

OP I sympathise. I have become an organised person (used to be slatternly, dashing out the door but that = tantrum city ).
So I have done getting up earlier, setting everything out the night before, having a visual timetable, tick lists, rewards etc.

The thing that has made the biggest difference is: I set an alarm on my phone for the time we need to go out the door to be on time. I allowed 2 minutes to put on coats and put bags in the car.

That has had us on time for the last 4 weeks.
No more screaming at the top of my lungs constant reminders and gentle encouragement.

Nope. The tyranny of the timer is the only thing that worked here

I think you need to have a chat with school about this. Mornings can be very stressful and piling on the pressure for a deadline can be counterproductive.

Timers work for some children but increase stress for others. I know DS would just scream if I put him on a timer!

You need to make sure you are ready so that you can isolate that aspect of the stress in the morning which is down to your own rushing around! I only say that because you very honestly admit that you are disorganised too. Set up a routine for yourself so you have all the kids stuff ready.

If your son is getting very stressed, the worse thing is to heighten that stress with more stress yourself. I have lived this too! It is sometimes best to give him the chance he needs to do the things he needs to do at his own speed.

Perhaps, getting up earlier? Telling him if he's ready with time to spare he can go on the computer/watch tv for ten mins (or a programme's worth) and try fitting that specifically in to the schedule so you know what time it finishes so he knows when it does, the tv goes off and you go.

We get to school approximately 9-9:05am. Registration is at 8:55am. But this is by arrangement with the school due to DS2's needs and coordination of TAs and 1:1s. Although sometimes it's more 905-910am instead.

Do you have any idea specifically what time delays you are regularly going through? Obviously, you can organise certain things to help out - uniforms/clothing ready to go, bookbags ready to go, lunches ready to go, coats/jackets/shoes ready to go - that can all be sorted the night before (just pop the lunches in the fridge). Set the breakfast table the night before, so all you have to do is pour cereal and get out the milk.

And set a timer for one or two milestone times - such as breakfast being done by a certain time, getting ready to leave the house by another time - and see if that helps at all. We don't have an actual alarm, but I do have mental notes of what times we need to be done with breakfast and need to be getting ready to go out the door in order to be within our usual times.

It's just so easy, as we all know, for it all to go out the window! One meltdown and everything is on its head.

Best of luck!

Oh, it's sometimes something little that throws a schedule off regularly, as well! We've made some changes in our morning routine that made a huge difference in time wasting.

For example -

• the boys get a piece of fruit to nibble on as soon as they get downstairs (an apple, a banana or an orange generally). Takes the edge off the hunger, one of the "five a day" and gives me the chance to get cereal and toast organised.

• toothbrushes/combs downstairs as well as upstairs, so they can have teeth and hair brushed without dragging them back upstairs again before leaving.

Thank you all so much. Some really great ideas as well. The phone alarm is a helpful trick, I have a tuneful loud one for shoes on time but adding a few discreet beeps at crucial times should help too. Have a no-screen rule, the double toothbrush etc, will try the fruit tomorrow. AT you are so right about a routine for me. The beauty of scheduling every step for DS1 is that it helps us all .

I need to do more preparation the night before (somehow... and get more sleep too...) Being constantly knackered and yet still having an hours worth of undone essentials every night isn't helping. If DS gets up early it's actually worse because he gets distressed and distracted; though if I could sneak down early without waking anyone it would help a lot.

School have tried to be helpful, but actually their help makes it worse because they well-meaningly apply their NT strategies. Mild telling off if late, praise if on time, encouragement and advice about organising oneself, emphasising the importance of punctuality. Motivation-related strategies really, but of course not much help when the problems are inflexibility, anxiety, meltdowns and executive functioning issues. Though the teacher did give me a detailed timetable which really helped in understanding and discussing the day ahead.

Some of the difficulties I have with speaking to school about this are because I know they do think I'm a bit feckless and scatty (probably based on accurate observation rather than prejudice ). and when talking to teachers I need to work on not feeling like a naughty schoolchild, which takes up any spare brainpower. Being super-organised for a bit (so actions speak louder than words) might mean I advocate better about what school needs to get on with.

I'll be back! Not till the weekend tho... Early nights/ easier to give up weekday Internet than try to do a Lent without chocolate or

Yay! No lates this week.... now, all I need to do is keep this up for the next 18 years till dc3 leaves school

Delighted its working for you- what did the trick?

Mariasalome. I sympathise! DH is often abroad. I have 4 kids, DD deaf, DS1 (her twin) Aspergers, DS3 Deaf and ASD. DS2 is a saint thank God! They get dressed before breakfast, eat and then upstairs to pack their bags, brush their teeth and run around shouting "where's my PE kit!". They get up at 7.15 and we are out for the lengthy 3 schools run by 8.20. More often or not I have eaten anything just woofed down a cuppa as I am making 4 breakfasts, a packed lunch, feeding the dog, getting myself dressed, DS3 dressed and finding someone's PE kit! It's exhausting! They get to school on time but I feel like I have run a marathon! I need to get them to pack things the night before, so to take off the pressure. I have to say that my timer is the start of Zing Zillas at 8am to get them upstairs to brush teeth!! Anyway, it's a good adrenaline rush to get you going in the morning!!!

Imagining everyone from here cheering on the morning routine helped! Also the new tricks and tips. Plus one morning we arranged to walk part way with another child, so the dc actually wanted to be early that day.

Sally, I really admire you getting 4 out!

Wow sally....ditto with the admiration. I'm shocked you even get a cup of tea . Personally, God help any soul who crosses my path if I am tea-less.

mariasalome..... great trick about meeting another kid on the way- can you manufacture that more often?
My ASD son loves getting to his sister's school early so that he can 'chase girls' (he's 8)

Haha Wanna!!! I neeeeed tea or I am not a happy camper! I think that I've been getting kids out the door for so long that I am a bit robotic. Funnily enough it's always when DH is working from home that things get screwed up......! I think that he adds to the stress by being helpful and upsetting the delicate nature of the school run! At least he helps, I know that some mums have it much harder with one child so I'm grateful for still having some sanity left! Anyway back to my Maths GCSE revision.... 2nd paper next week - not prepared at all!!

Yay... Another week where (I think) we were in on time. One day was a bit touch and go, depends if he dawdled from the school gate to desk...

From my perspective, as someone who works in schools, a child arriving late is at a massive disadvantage because already the rhythm of the day has started and invariably, there is something about them that is always out of synch.

One or two children in particular are always late and it pains us all so much to see how they suffer because their parents are not able to get it together.

The same it has to be said, goes for certain memmbers of outside staff who arrive later than they should.

Please please get your children to school on time. It's one of the most important things you can do for them.

It's not always easy. That I know.
In which case, these peopel should be helping you to analyse your routine and identify reiforcers which will mean that your child is motivated to get up, get dressed and so on.

Perhaps choosing breakfast?
Having clothes ready the night before?
Access to a favourite tv or computer game after he is washed, dressed and fed?
Something reinforcing waiting for him at school, like a game or a special routine that onyyl he gets to do? Handing out pencils, feeding the goldfish, waterinmg plants or so on.

All dependent on what makes him tick.

You don't sound crabby at all and it must be terrible for you.
What you need is a meeting where you all sit down and agree on some specific strategies, which are then properly monitored to see if they work.If they do, great but if not, you all methodically agree to try somethnig else.

You don't seem to have much back up at school.
How could you make things more workable at home, irrespective of their help (or lack of it)?

Yes but Imogen, I think we have all established many times on here now that your school is shit.

I'm disorganised as hell. Really unbelievably so. But I always get my kids to school on time. My strategies might not be so acceptable to many but the way I manage is by prioritising school start even when things have gone to pot. So I might ditch the teeth/hair brushing, make them eat toast on the way, throw on myself totally random outfit etc. just to get them there and sort myself out when I get home.

It's a bit manky but it's not every day.

the only thing sure to shoot ds2's anxiety through the roof is me saying " come on we are going to be late" obviously he gets distressed & then we are late.

Just thought i'd mention it.
We have a "dont mention the late word" rule in our house - even for teenage ds1 who is always late!

AND a just stay calm mantra - even if we are late at least i look in control :)

Hi guys

moondog, thank you for being so upfront. "Don't get told off by the teachers" and "have a guilt trip about struggling with major difficulties" doesn't work for me as a long term motivator for massive effort to achieve annoying, tricky, multi-step tasks. TBH, it never really did, and really won't now I'm an adult.

'Moondog thinks it's really important, and, having heard why, I agree' might keep the mega-prioritisation for long enough to establish the habit more firmly .

Think about it as getting the teachers on your side too. It's hard for them to deal with all of this as well as the challenges of a class full of kids with different needs. If you make their job easier, then who knows? They might put in a bit of extra effort to help you as they relaise you want to work with them, not against them.

From their perspective, if you are for example, consistently late, then they might come to the conclusion that it is just as possible for you to be consistently early.

I know of several kids who are always later but always late by the same time lag.

Always at least maintain the illusion of working with someone. That way you reinforce them to do more of what it is you want them to do.

I'd be interested to know how you get on.