I'm in a very dark place....coping with DD1's so-called SNs (no idea if has SEN/ASD/Dyslexia). 2-DH and his reluctance to SEE 'a problem with DD' as he calls my concerns and the school's outlook...

[shineonycd]

It is the school hols, and I am trying to get a couple of hours' sleep after a night shift ( I work as an HCA in the local hospital). DDs (i've got 2) are watching cbeebies after lunch, and i'm unable to sleep, as twice this week, they've wrecked the living room with litter, spilled actimel which is not allowed in here) fridge and my MiL's room as i slept in the living room for 2.5 hours after two nights i worked over the weekend... i sleep an average of four to five hours a night (or day as the case may be)
Today,..DD1 is openly masturbating and my trying to repeatedly distract her, talking to her, etc has not worked....its been going on since she was a 16 month old... maybe even younger... In those days, she would just go rigid and stiff with her ankles crossed, hands rigid, at her crotch- MiL said she's probably got a UTI... She sometimes hits DD2 across the face, pulls her hair etc and whenever something breaks, she keeps saying it was DD2, getting louder and louder... I feel its for attention, as it happens when i'm cooking, in the shower or in the loo...
Come to think of it, she was always a quiet baby- would go to anyone, laugh and giggle or cry loudly at times... she and i never had a chance to bond beyond a point as MiL who lives with us had a 'parental right' seceeded by DH who worked full time...So MiL had DD1 whilst i worked weekends as an HCA...
I noticed DD1s lack of social skills, her

School is helping all they can, and she has a statement, but no diagnosis, so I am constantly talked to (at home) as if i'm 'labelling' my daughter, going along with the school's agenda.I had raised concerns when DD1 was 18 months old witha HV who came to see DD2, and was made to drop it by MiL..

School SENCO and SS, Paeds and OT agree DD1 (now 7.5 yrs) has /hasn't got ASD/Dyslexia/Complex needs... SENCO and Paed. indicated, after four years of observations and assessments on DD complex needs', at the age of 3.5 yrs in 2008, that she lacked social skills, has poor co-ordination, has problems with pragmatic and receptive language, which i have also noted since she began speaking and later, attended nursery, ....
At present, apart from the issue, she is doing ok at school on PScales, performing at the age of 4 yrs+ . Main issue is her behaviour, her lack of cooperation in conforming with any kind of authority (even mine) apart from DH.
I don't know where i am coming from or going to, except that i need a helping, guiding hand which, sadly DH is too busy, too aloof to provide, WRT this issue...Would a diagnosis help, or is it fine to waddle along for as long as her SNs become more definable...?? Is it ASD, or Dyslexia??
I worry about her not fitting in with her peers, her lack of empathy, her inappropriate behaviour, etc...(She is also preoccupied and fascinated with breasts, and bums, for some reason...)
If youaare reading this, thankyou from the bottom of my heart.... :(

You could get a diagnosis and the MIL would ignore it - sadly those deep in denial often do. You need to regain control over your own kids by any means necessary.

Consistency of approach from all involved in the care of a child with asd traits is CRITICAL as is understanding and willingness to deal with the behavioral issues as they arise. Putting you down constantly while ignoring the problem is going to INCREASE behavioral issues in a situation like this and is ultimatly damaging to child you wish to help.

Does MIL attend school meetings? If not then she has no place to criticse and needs to STFU. Has she done the Earlybird course with the NAS? If not why not? Let her come with you every time you see the pead or school - she can sound off and get shot down by outsiders. Kids just don't get statements for nothing these days - national figures put it at between 1.5 & 2%.

In the meantime - your DH - how many school meetings etc has he attended? He is a parent he CANNOT abdicate responsibility onto his clueless mother.

Do you have anywhere to go? In your shoes I'd be looking at my benefit entitlements as a lone parent and seriously thinking about leaving with my kids. look at entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits/working tax credit etc you may qualify for alone.

have you ever done any kind of assertiveness training? It might help.

Could you give up work and claim carers allowance? Even just for a year? It would enable you to have the time to regain control of your own home/parenting. If DH has to work extra shifts to facillitate that then let him!

I do understand childcare is expensive but the costs of someone "in charge" of a child like your DD who isn't on board with actually helping her will be far more expensive in the long run. I really feel you need to alter your working patterns so that you can use professional childcare such as a chidminder or after school clubs etc as a bare minimum to reduce MIL's "control".

I do realise my advice is "radical" but having seen the massive strides forward my own child has made from going to a school that refused to acknowledge his issues to how he is doing now in a supportive environment I really think you need to cut out the corrosiv influence of the MIL before you can even hope to improve your daughters behavior and long term prognosis.

Dear bochead,
Still reading your thread... was trying to sleep, to no avail, and managed DD1's tantrum without having one myself... Had to 'negotiate' a deal- no mars mar until the kids chip in and clear their messin the kitchen- they swept the floor; I tried to quash my feelings of inciting child labour... will post a reply asap, got to go through your post first, But May I send you a big hug from me first...??! :)

Bochead has given you great advice and I dont know what I can add apart from a hug and that the MIL should go.

If you are sleeping and the kids are spilling stuff everywhere where is this MIL?

What help is your DD receiving for her receptive lang skills, social skills etc? Has a SALT assessed her?

If you get a dx it will help to confirm to school what the issue is and can open doors to more help. Sadly they are still not offered on a plate and you still have to fight for them but with the dx you have the right to fight iyswim.

I think you are going to have to stick to your guns and help your DD regardless of what the MIL thinks.

further to my previous post, I can and would try day shifts to fit in with school and wrap-around-care, but then I'd better have that long overdue chat with DH. MiL is in India at the moment, gone since the 6th of Feb... (i'm in a ok situation, managing kids, Dh's breakfast an lunch preps after i return from work...) But he makes me feel guilty sometimes by donig things like hoovering, mopping the halls+ kitchen....I'd hate for him to moan to MiL as she is on the cusp of moving into her own home which she's renting out at the moment.
She is arriving back mid march, with my MiL's mum n dad, n brother, and will stay with u as long as she sorts out her house. DH has said it might be six months... i don't know what i'll do if that happens...kids, especially DD1 get unsettled around MiL's mother who sometimes gives DD1 a talk when she misbehaves for attention...
The primary concern and worry i have is for DD1 and how DH would react if i tell him i want him to attend Meetings etc..
both have done so only once each, in the last four years... all info they have is via letters, statememt, etc. I am always hearing that the school is wrong, or, our being INDIAN has someting to do with it..
I disagree with their claims that the school, paeds, ed psych etc are just feeding off of my 'talking' to them, and that my being indian has anything to do with this...
I am grateful for the authorities' support, but DH would hit the roof if i went for any kind of carers' allowance, DA or other help. He already has stopped talkingto my dad, and brother cos they, when they visited, agreed that he should take more of an interest in DD1's care, as he's constantly contradicting me, or else ridiculing me, saying to DDs that i am 'in a good mood' so they should behave well, or that 'i'm being a disciplinarian or asking for kids' to behave, follow routine etc, when i haven''t slept... which BTW is total BS. I am from India, and proud of it, but he sees it as my drawback and the reason i am being a 'kiss-ass' to the authorities.... :(
i can't leave him cos he's a good father, and affectionate to them and loves them, though i can't see how his lack of involvement with them, and attitude to me is going to affect them in the long run.... i've got no idea if i'd qualify for any help with raising DDs or Worst case scenario, be booted off by to India, away from my DDs if he thought i was having doubts about our relationship..which, currently , is non-existent, thanks to our work pattern. :(
There's no bonding anymore, as husband and wife, never has been, apart from the occasional S88 on HIS terms, when He wants it, cos he works full-time... His solution?? I should work full time, he should go part time, and then manage on our hampered finances with MIls financial help (NO way am I ever gonigto let THAT happen.) because then she would never move out in any case...or, remote-control our life. She's not a horrible MIL, she'd cook when i did my three/four nights a week, but i'd be lying if i didn't want her to lead her own life slightly away from the home we share presently, (she'd be just around the corner anyway.) I want to thrash around in the ocean with him and see if he'll pitch in and help.. or let me sink and save just himself... He does talk of going away somewhere, or '"if it were not for you and the kids" kind of talk, and makes it sound like he's a martyr.....
please, God, anyone, please help/advise...i don't want my darling baby to grow-up and leave me with the sinking feeling that she could have fared better if i had more courage to do something for her, like, maybe stand up to him...? I WANT my DDs to be my focus, NOT his misgivings, MILs doubts and thm ganging up against me whenever there's talk of any kind of authority i wish to command..
WHAT should i do to make the little ones my focus?? Ours wa an arranged marriage, nd knowingall this, my dad, and brother have told me they'll back me up if i want to leave him, but the decision is mine to make....
I'm all

Sorry forthe loooong drwawn out moan... i'll go and take kids out for some fresh air now!! :)

Thankyou ladies, Love n hugs.. you are so, so, so sweet! Just wanted to let it off my chest and get advice from some fab mums!!!

... its DD2's birthday on saturday, and she was born on a saturday too... so i feel a bit tearful for them both...DH has said he's not coming home from work till i tell him my brother (who is posted at the UK base in swindon till july (from india) and will drive down to see us on DD2's special day with his wife!!) is gone back...he says i can visit him anytime withthe girls, but with school, its only possible on weekends...but i'll do it more often now.. what the heck, its now or never...kids deserve a good time; if not with their parents, (i don't drive and he hates gonig out on his day off as a family) then along with their uncle n aunt...hmmm?? :)

tonite its my shift, and tomorrow, ten kids from school are coming as i've invited them for a b'day party for her....! Want them both, to have a blast... pray for us, ladies! big hug from me to you both, bochead, cof33pot!!!

Oh gosh! I have no idea on how arranged marriages work and you have my utmost sympathy for the situation you are in with your DD and immediate family x

It is good that your dad and brother understand the situation you are in and that you have their support. At least you have someone to confide in :)Maybe your Dad could come with you to any meetings to support you and also be witness to any discussions? Two heads are always better than one :)

I dont think this has anything to do with you being Indian at all. There are so many races in this country and I cant see you being singled out due to race. All children need help some time or other and some more than others.

I can only base your DH is in denial that something is not right. That is very hard for a man to come to terms with and can take a very long time. It took my DH a while but once he went to the meetings with me it became clear things were not right and he accepted our son needs help. Even now though he can reverse feelings and get frustrated about it all. Sadly though your DD needs help now and cant wait for your DH to come around.

Maybe a talk together whilst the MIL is away to clear the path a bit? Lay whatever reports you have on the table infront of you. Tell him first and foremost your childs interest must come infront of anything else. Tell him you really would like his support in this so you can help your DD together. Try and suggest calmly that if he still thinks you are wrong then let you carry on and let DD get help with or without his support. If there is no improvement in your DD then tell him you will happily back down but until you have tried everything you cannot rest?

I really do not know what else to suggest.

It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship tbh and being controlled. I think your DD's issues are only a small part of the problem here tbh, although they do need addressing.

I agree your being controlled here, feel really sorry for you. Sounds like you need to put your foot down and tell your MIL that she is your daughter and you know her better than anyone. If you dont take control of your life now you never will, be strong for your daughter because it sounds like your the only one who wants to help her. And if you dont youll regret it.
PS I think the interest in bodies is normal for kids!

Just a quick one here but regarding inappropriate touching it IS woth going to GP. DD also has done this on an off for years (we now control with visuals explaining not in public only in her room etc) but at one point it was much worse and turned out she had not uti but worms...so was terribly itchy. (DD has ASD and soesn't communicate v. Well)
For the rest it sounds very difficult and I hope that your family (your side if not your DH's!!) continue to support you.

Hi Ladies, AGREE with you all TOTALLY, BTW!

does anyone else have the experience of dealing with ASD after a Dx, and does it help?? I'd hate it if i get told, years later, "we told you so" by the in laws and DH...He is in denial for sure, i've always treated him knidly cos of that, but he's rarely read or asked to see a report, which i file, as DD1 can get her hands on anything, and shred it to bits or scribble. Her [embarrased] problem with 'pleasuring' herself is more pronounced today than ever , though dd2 says, when we talk, that she does it everyday anyway..
just that, today, i have been with them all day long and not slept at all, not eaten myself, just been on mumsnet...trying to find some way, some answers...anything. My gut feelnig is she's ASD as teacher says, maybe not ASD alone, but other things are also involved, like her receptive lang. skills and the lack of them...her repetition of others' phrases...

My lil' girls n I are back, saw my GP, for something related to my poor health... which, to my relief, is not in need of immediate action. MRI was clear, and other things are already managed by my excellent NHS trust hospital consultant. (had a bad liver scare in 2009, and was diagnosed with a rare disease which affects the veins, preventing the blood flow, leading to cirrhosis.)
coff33pot, the Paediatrician, in december, did advise for a SALT review, but whether she has been able to get a reply in the affirmative, remains to be seen...these things do take time..
I want to know, the statement review meeting in in april, or before then- how do i fight my corner with the Borough Council, to ensure DD gets the help and timely reviews she needs to push for a diagnosis??? It will open doors hitherto unknown for us, and especially benefit her. or WILL IT???

At present, her class teacher suspects she's got borderline ASD, and treats her as such, and DD1 responds well to her authority, but rides roughshod over her poor TA. I feel for the lady. Its only that,without a Dx, she can't give my any strategies, apart from the usual things that i've learnt from following the ASD weblinks wrt the UK ASD Soc.
My Dad is in india, and was only here for a short visit in 2010... he's said i'm more than welcome to go visit him with or w/o DH...
This was then, as He wanted me to get a biposy done in India at his expense in 2010, for my Liver Condition...after that, NHS had it done in the following month (i visited him over christmas hols, but DH did not want to let me take the kids, as he thought i should concentrate o my own health then...)
Her SALT and Other OT referrals, and also a IQ sort of test has been recommended by Paed, but as i said, its in the pipeline...
School is brill! DH has adopted the "you deal with it" approach, as he finds it too much to think of, as he's in denial, i know it.
Will have to sit him down and explain that i need to take steps along with him, to arrange for DDs to have a good future.. both of them.
He is possibly tired from his work, as he has got a store to manage...
ok, more on saturday, or tomorrow night... God bless you all, for reading this... iahve no wods to explain how had it was till i gave in, and started writing...

I think that you are being controlled by your H and MIL too.

Being "in denial" is not a reason to leave EVERYTHING to you

Would your H and MIL listen to a "professional" opinion?????? They dont seem to listen to you

x

DLA is NOT income related so you could apply for that wthout involving your husband so long as you have an account of your own to put it into (Halifax and post office do basic accounts). It's a whopper of a form so I'd strongly advise you get help from someone like contact a family or Cerebra to fill it in.

I do agree about going to the GP to rule out a UTI or anything as a reason for DD1's inappropriate behavior. Get this done before MIL returns. While you are at the GP push for him to chase the SALT referral. I always try and get school and the GP to chase referrals + I phone myself as I've found out the hard way having a multi-pronged approach is the only way to ensure these things aren't allowed to drag on for years

Get those work hours sorted before she returns too so that YOU are the main carer and not her. It may be possible for Autism outreach to do a home visit and explain to her why this is needed.

I do think that no matter what your DH HAS to attend a few meetings so he can see for himself that racism isn't why the teachers etc are concerned. Get them to explain how hard it is to be statemented nowadays in a climate of cuts, (if anything "brown" kids with non-white middle class parents are LESS likely to be awarded statements, not the other way round bless him). How multi-cultural is your school? If he even walks past a playground full of non-white faces it may make a point without you having to say anything.

Can you explain to your husband that you do appreciate how hard he works to support you all as a family but that you need him to understand how the British system works in order for you both to achieve the best outcomes for your family? Without knowing the professionals involved it's harder for him to advise you. (I've had to explain this to several fathers over the years that they need to know how the system here works in order to help advise their wives on the best routes to take. This approach seems to work on the male pysche when the wife isn't British as bless em they do like to feel able to dispense "advice" that their wives value).

At the statement review you want

1. Formal autism outreach
2. Formal ASD training for the TA, (so she becomes more than just a babysitter - this is KEY!).
3. A formal SALT programme with agreed targets set on a monthly basis for your daughter.

That's the minimum needed for the statement review.

Lastly if both your kids are British and you are the parent the authorities "know" in relation to their care your position here really is very secure in case you felt in need of reassurance.

Hi shine, I just wanted to say hi and add that my Dd3 was 9 by the time we finally got a diagnosis of ASD for her. I had to keep on and on at the proffs and eventually they did give her the diagnosis.

The school sound as if they are trying to help but it is no good if they don't know for certain what they are helping with IYSWIM.

Since Dd3 got her Dx she has had extra help with her social skills and her physio at school. The SALT is supposed to be going to see her but I don't know when that will happen.

I really feel for you WRT to your H not attending meetings my partner was the same right up until we got referred to CAMHS and they said he had to go. But if your H is going to say you are wrong you might be better to go without him. Do you have a friend who could go with you? If not contact Parent Partnership and they might have someone who could go just to support you.

Try to be kind to yourself, working shifts and not sleeping will make everything so much hared for you.

Have to say, a BIG thank you to all you lovely ladies; your advice is very much appreciated! It has done a lot to reassure me regarding my position, DDs' future and DH's attitude and how to tackle that approach...
I will save this conversation and try to refer back when I am preparing the multi-discipline meeting, I mean, the review...
How do I get Autism outreach to attend??! As there is no formal diagnosis (paed said, in view of DD1s sociable nature, she would not like to push for it, as it would seem like she was putting words into the mouth of the review panel..)

school has the approach that she will continue to perform far below peer-age group levels, though i think differently. Sometimes, she's bored stiff, and doesn't look at her homework, on the best of days... sometimes, she's incredibly competitive, and DD2 in year 1, reads and writes well, which has spurred her on; I feel as though all she needs is a little push, to make the connection, then her access to education will dramatically improve! She does struggle a lot with her writing skills and that's where OT came in... She's also finding numeracy hard. She remembers things verbally , and that makes me suspect she could be dyslexic too...as paed pointed out last December. her words were- " your DD1 may, in future, present as a child with a dyslexic profile."

I will do a few things -
1- approach my ward manager at work to change my hours so i work in the daytime.
2- re-read all the referrals, reports and other paperwork I have got WRT DD1's SN and approach her school/review armed with "I can make a difference" written all over my BL.
3- See GP to discuss DDs issues, so that he can advise and refer her on to SALT, ASD outreach and Paed. )
4-Talk to DH about how all this is affecting me, and "us" as a team. I understand that he can be in denial without stepping away from the entire situation, the way he has done so far. Somehow, I don't think he will take it well... :(
5- In so far as "pampering his ego " is concerned, I think without a doubt, thatif he gets involved, he'll see that I am better equipped to deal with DD1s difficulties. He interacts with her only on his days off, and that too, on his own terms. She behaves surprisingly well for him, never lashing out at him verbally or emotionally the way she does at me. If she were given a choice, she'd choose him in a heartbeat, and the thought itself is painful. Not least because i don't give in to her demands and tantrums... He distracts her from a tantrum, and has shared his tactics with me.
I don't know, after 8yrs together, where DH and my relationship is headed, but as for DD1, it feels right to know that so many mums, professionals and experienced parents all agree that something has got to change.... I am so exhausted today, that i desperately need something to banish tiredness and promote alertness. Off to work in 30 mins... Now, if only DH would arrive soon.
goodnight, ladies, and God Bless...

May I add, Dd1's social skills are always in a state of flux; changing from her mood, so she can be very unpredictable. she has been known to bite, scratch, strangle, and spit on kids, both younger or older than herself. On the day paed saw her, however, she was playing by herself and when she was called, she gave the toy she was amusing herself with, to a toddler playing nearby.

Is that a characteristic behaviour??!

I want to be able to help her achieve , and to access education to her utmost potential, just not push her too much so that she's permanently put off of learning... IYSWIM... Back home, in India, ew had a pass or fail approach, which wasn't great for all students but atleast it was quantifiable... I find the approach here a bit unfamiliar, as there are no books, no notebooks etc! DH says he was a late bloomer who hated homework, never studied on his own...
So she needs to find her own "EUREKA"moment??

shine one of the things that drives me crazy wrt ds1 is that fact that his behaviour is so different at home than at school/docs/hospital etc.

I thought it was just me but a recent thread on here proved me wrong!! Lots of dc with asd behave very differently in different places/with different people.

In fact, it was only when we saw a therapist last December that he tip toe walked in front of someone who was assessing him...he is 8.5! In all that time and being seen by HVs, GPs, paeds etc he has never exhibited the (asd) behaviours he exhibits at home.

Re: PILS, my MIL will still say things like "oh he is just like dh!" Sigh. No, he isnt. dh can read and write!

Anyway, sounds like you have a plan, good luck!

Dear Ladies, its a new day!! Back from work! looking forward to DD2's birthday party, with friends n mums et all!!
@zzzzz, thankyou for the suggestion of the 'breakdown-into-parts' approach! YUP, I've got a feeling it'll work!
First, I'll try seeing my GP an get a paeds referral again; cos, as Becaroooo pointed out, my DD1 also walked on tiptoes for a long, long time- in fact, she still does, on ocassion...I need to first of all, find out which of her traits are ASD-ish cos the current paed shot-down the ASD Dx by thinking aloud that she's got great social skills (sigh, if only she knew/could see the truth...)

DD1 has to be referred onwards, because, simply put, though the school is doing all it can, they're also quite happy to skip along, and leave DD1 on p-scales upto the year 6 age, when she's going to take off to "some other school" ... IF she's ready. To me, this approach is inherently damaging, verily because of a lack of goals which are achievable and yet challenging enough to keep DD1 interested in School/ learning, IYSWIM...

She is possibly got SN's which are a bit of everything, as the school SENCO says, but they're NOT seeing the future, from my point of view.... I am a realist, but i'm NOT and won't be a fatalist..

You are your childs best (and all too often) only advocate shine

I would also point out that IME sencos arent really trained to deal with complex sn/sen...they are teachers that have been on a course and are then thrown in at the deep end in school.

Def go for GP referral again to dev paed.

Also, if school are "quite happy to skip along, and leave DD1 on p-scales upto the year 6 age, when she's going to take off to "some other school" then they ARENT doing all they can! Thats just dreadful.

Does she have SMART targets on her IEPs? Do you have regular reviews to discuss her progress (or lack thereof)?

Sad fact is most schools dont have;
a) the experience
b) the budget/resources
c) the trained staff
needed to deal with kids with sen/sn

Or this just might be my experience!

The approach you need to adopt is twofold. Educationally if your dd1 has a Statement (or even if she were without one but highlighted as needing Learning Support) she should also have an IEP (Individual Education plan) which lists the targets and what support is in place to achieve them. So you need to ensure you (and preferably your husband) are involved in the writing of these with her teacher and SENCO and reassessment, preferably at least termly. Is English her first language and does MIL as her main caregiver speak it with her ? If not, it could accentuate any underlying Auditory Processing difficulties and language difficulties or simply confuse.

Secondly you need to ask gp to chase up the referrals and also investigate anything which may have been overlooked medically (hearing, vision, food intolerances etc) and could affect her behaviour or be part of the issue.

Dear Becaroooo, Thanks for the psurring on! I was always under the impression that SENCOs know their game. ..Feel vindicated to share your views that its actually the converse that is true! Current SENCO retires in a year and DD1s Ed Psych has changed thrice, the first was probably the best, Then came another who went off on maternity leave, leaving the Statement review poorer- no Ed Psych advice or reports last year...My last bet is the lady who has seen DD1 from the age of four.
Can you suggest some concrete arguments, or strategies to put forward so that i know my game in the SRM, and also get heard.
Will try PP and ASD outreach...
Also, any mention of where i can find previous threads on ASD here on mumsnet will be appreciated. Thanks again, becaroooo! DD1 has shown these characteristics-
repeating what i or another adult has said back to them, putting in question how much she takes "on board" when having a conversation.
Recites lines from tapes-stories, dialogues, or such things, with or w/o context.
walks and runs on tiptoes,
Has what OT says is called 'being unable to crossing the midline- problem with proprioception.'
hits, or lashes out without any provocation.
Screams and screams when she wants he way...till DH gives in or distracts her..I usually ignore that kind of behaviour, hence her anger at me...
:(

Dear LIZS,
MiL is NOT DDs' main caregiver- that would be me- I only sleep after i walk them both to school, and get ready at the end of the day, to pick them up too. MiL does wake them up, (if its a weekday) in the mornings and gives them cereal. By then, I'm home and get them ready for school. MiL says Dd1 is not SNs but that they behave well for her, but not for me as DH and I have spoilt the girls. I disagree, as many of the things MiL turns a blind eye on are behaviour (in DD1) brought on by her SEN and ASD...

Come to think of it, this all or nothing approach to care of MiL and DH is what's put me off relying on them both- so, AIBU, in any way?? My health and job dictate the limitations- I have to plan going out with the kids to the parks, Play centres, Swimming classes, an open-farm, Zoo etc; I know i need to learn to drive too... :(

Can't ditch the job, otherwise we'd be worse off- we aren't on any benefits, as we both work 30+ hours PW. I'll need to find out about DLA, @bochead- what is it and how does it help? Would it be enough to provide wrap around childcare around school???

Sorry not sure where I got that impression from then . However I do sense conflict within the household as to how dd1 should behave and how best to handle her which must be confusing to any child, SN or not. If you have had direct contact already with OT etc could you self refer and speed things up ?

Hi just speaking from own experience here ... Firstly, don't beat yourself up for trying to reach a diagnosis. I have done exactly this as 'complex needs' isn't easy to understand for teachers/GPs/family members etc and I also felt a need to be able to tell my DD why she has problems and struggles to keep up with her peers.

Secondly I was fast tracked to OT via CAMHS, sorry have been skimming thread so not clear where you are with CAMHS etc .

Thirdly strongly agree re SENCOs. Since I have become more assertive with school re IEPs etc the help my DD receives is far more effective and meaningful. Was guilty of feeling as though as professionals they had all of the answers now realise they don't!

Your DH and his mother are not acting in your DD's best interest. I cannot see any happy resolution unless they go into therapy, or you ditch them both.
I know that sounds horrid but your child will not get any help from either of those two. If she really is ASD then she is on a developmental trajectory that is much slower than an NT child and needs every possible help with SALT, educational psychologist etc to assist. Every month she goes without this she will fall further behind where she needs to be.

I've got friends in denial about their child's speech and now he is 8 with a mental verbal age of 4. It is impacting his social and emotional life hugely.

I'd also recommend seeing if you can connect with someone locally who has gone through the assessment and statement route who can help support and guide you. It's a tough process sometimes and the more help you have the better.