Am I being unreasonable?

[Needtimeforme]

Dh and me both on this board sinse we found out about gdd and asd for dd 3.5 now, have found out loads from the board but never posted, need to get something out of my mind as I am loosing sleep ...
Dh made a "friend" on the board and they have been in touch with each other sinse then, I am not if I am ever in their conversations ... It was alright till then but suddenly now dh wants to go and set up a playdate with her ds 4 and I am not even invited as I should rest?, have had doubts about their friendship and have confronted him but he starts crying that I don't trust him and bla bla
He is on the phone texting her all the time and have even seen him deleting the text before he lets go the phone, can't even go near his phone or laptop... Err
What should I do?
Is it just my mind playing up?
Do I trust him?...
Many more questions...

Sounds very dodgy Need. You should both be invited. If she is just a friend as he says, then how can he object to you all being friends?

I have to agree. If she is just a friend, he would have no reason to object to you coming along. If he doesn't normally delete texts afterwards, then he is acting oddly. It does sound a bit off. Only you know if you should trust him or not.

wld agree with unpa1d, however would sound a note of caution, as anything 'going on' may be in his head only.... Reason I say that is my ex d h got really friendly with a friend of mine, going up to see her, talking abot her, and excluded me from the relationship, turned out he fancied her, she was oblivious... when she and I spoke about it later she was just thinking friendship and supporting him thru a difficult time, and was really shocked about what he had thought...

Not sure what to suggest, but just wanted to say this may all be in his head... can you build a relationship with her too? Maybe say lovely thought for you to have a break, but you would like to come on the first visit,just so you can see how the dcs do together etc... you will be able to see how things are after meeting her, and might put your mind at rest? (or confirm suspicions)

I'm also a bit saddened by reading this, as (unlike with Cameron) I rather thought those on this board really WERE "all in this together" in the sense that we all are going through the SNs rollercoaster and all that entails.

The thought that one (well, two actually) can know how difficult dealing with children with SNs can be, the pressure, the isolation, the stress to family and marriage.... and then play these types of games (if this IS dodgy - which it does appear to be on the surface)... well, I just thought we all had more respect for each other and the difficulties we were all going through to do something stupid like that.

Just frustrating and a bit depressing actually.

Sorry needtimeforme... didn't mean to hijack... hope you're okay.

Well even first I thought it maybe I am reading too much into their friendship and wanted to speak to him last month when I saw him deleting her text(normally) he does not delete anything(lazy), when I asked him, he starts says can't believe u asking me things like this, won't do anything like this to u and starts crying every time I want to talk about the "friend"
I don't know if the women has invited me or not as dh does not talk to me about her after our first fight. He says he wants to go and see how both dc do together, and meeting up at a commen place but coz that place is far he won't take me coz of my bad back so I am not sure if his "friend" has actually invited me or not. or even knows much about me
Haven't slept in days sinse he has told me he is going (taking a day off) not to mention my hyper ds wants ro sleep when I have things to do ,maybe she can feel me stressed and that's why she is making my work hard with her
Offcourse I don't trust him going alone but I can't really keep an eye on him all the time, maybe his friend does not know me and it's all his head...I don't know
But surely if this get together carries on ... I am going to dump him,can't survive without sleeping can I taking into the fact he starts crying every time I want to talk about her, he is clearly avoiding the conversation
Just while I am writing the post, just realised how stupid i am not to change my nickname before I started the thread.. Dh will read all and will come back home with a face
I think I don't care anymore have had too much of him now

To be honest I am not at all ok, panicking as they meeting up Monday..... and too
Thanks for reading

thats awful, poor you. I would be furious with my DH if he did that...but too be honest he wouldnt...Im sorry but if it were all above board we would all meet together, dh wouldnt want to go and meet another woman and her child (with our child!!!!) wouldnt cross his mind unless there was ulterior motives

and he certainly wouldnt be taking a day off work for it...there would be lots of other things he would rather do!!!

Poor you Needtimefor me :( sounds very strange

xxxxxx

I can totally understand and sympathise with you. I would think the same too.

Personally I think you two need a seriuos chat. Find a quiet time (difficult I know) when you feel you can be strong enough to talk sensibly without accusing or judging...just talk.

If this happened to me, I would sit him down and explain that I was very uncomfortable with the meeting and suggest you go as a family unit. Tell him that you meeting new people might lift your spirits rather than resting indoors alone.?? Or possibly a meeting at your house, then at least you would feel more in control?

Have you ever chatted to this lady? Does your husband talk about her?

The fact that he cries when you discuss it and he deletes texts could be a warning sign but you have no hard evidence so maybe accusing that he is having an affair is not the best thing just yet as he will automatically go on the defence.
But I must say I don't like the way he turns it onto you and says "you don't trust me". I would turn it back on him and say that he is leaving you out in the cold.

Not much help I know! Try get some sleep if you can.

What confuses me is that he has told you of his meeting with her. If he wanted, he could have hid all of it and just pretended that he was going to work and not told you anything if you see what I mean?

He had to tell me that he is going as he needs to take Tracey my dd, without which it won't be a playdate... Would it? Sometimes Make me think it's just in his head but then why will the lady friend agree to bring her ds... Don't know... No I have never spoken to her, I did want to by dh says why do u have to If I am
Doing all the work for u, u should relax by work he means read all the stuff on mumsnet
I am sure something is going on his head ... as he going on Monday ... He just called 10 mins back to ask me why I have posted my personal life on Internet while all he does is updates himself on each and everything on mumsnet , it's hard to believe a man spending his time reading each and everything at mumsnet all bloody day.. Err he is so sad that he actually searches for post of that each and every poster sometimes .. Never cared that I might be happy if he spend some time with me he would rather be on Internet than talk to me or spend quality time with Tracey

Going back to the comment from Triggles about us all being in it together; maybe this person is not from here, but he is usiong it as an excuse?

I have tried talking to him but he just ignores me by saying you are paranoid and starts crying by saying you don't trust me....etc etc

Would u believe he rang my mother in law and she has texted me saying that she needs to have a word with me... Have to take Tracey for gp appointment ... Looks like a fun day ahead of me

I'd like to think that if he is reading this thread, he would realise how much this hurts you and the stress it causes you, and perhaps either invite you along or try to be more open with you.

It's not a matter of being paranoid. You're tired, isolated, and unhappy at the moment, and the way he is behaving is not helping that. Surely he can see that?

It can be a excuse as well, I don't know I am very stressed to even think about if the "friend" is actually a member of mums net but dh surely is
He is reading the thread for sure , he told me off for it and complained it to mother in law about it he knows I hate her
It's been 8 months that I have been complaining about him spending too much time on his laptop than spending some time with me or Tracey ... Typical answer- I
Am tired, had a long day at work, As if I have been just sleeping all day and had nothing to do, feel like shit, have heard many times but never believed when my friends use to say men don't change, but I have seen a lot of change in him sinse we found out about Tracey's gdd ASD, he is not the same anymore, I can go on and on but I think I should stop as dh won't like it

:( This is not fair and I feel for you.

BUT you are the mum yes therefore you have joint decision making in the house and over your children? Just plain say NO its not happening and you dont agree to the meet up. That is that problem solved at least.

If he is up to something its rotten to use your DC as an excuse to meet

I am really sorry but if it was me and things are getting bad, I would just say "get a spine man and spit out the honest truth" Yes it may hurt but you are hurting already by the sound of it bless you x

There is absolutely no way in hell I would be letting my DH go off on a "playdate" without me. Sorry but this just does not happen. How would he feel if you were off on a playdate with a bloke that sends you furtive texts. Can you PM the mumsnetter in question and ask her to check out this thread I am sure she will understand how inappropriate this is she probably does not realise what is going on. I would be horrified if I thought someone's husband was taking the day off work to travel a considerable distance to meet for tea and biccies and had made sure his wife was not invited and felt excluded. And who phones their mummy to complain about their wife?????

Put the foot down and say there is no way this playdate will be happening. You can ofcourse have it in YOUR home when your DH is at work!!!

Totally agree he is sad to call him mom for something so personal, he clearly has issues if does not spend time talking to u in a day , I do feel for u, poor thing.
And don't let ur dd go with him if u don't want to... If he still goes u know sonething is bot right for sure... U need to stick up for urself , how did it talk with mil go?

Well then this is directed at Needs beloved: Maybe if you were sensible and mature enough to understand exactly why your partner is upset and would be grown up enough to sit down and talk like an adult she may not then feel the need to post about this on an internet site.

My partner (now my ex but still the best of friends) would've got a frying pan round the head for being so bloody stupid and thoughtless. And I would've expected the same from him.

Respect your partner; she is the moth roy your child and is worried and confused. Do the decent thing and either invite her along or invite this 'woman' and her child to your house.
If there is something dodgy going on, sort yourself out and grow up.

Had a very bad day... Mil gave me a 4 hr session on how I am not a good mom to Tracey and not a good wife coz I don't spend time with dh she blames me for her gdd ASD,, says I spend too much time working , I should give up job although I just work for 20 hrs a week
Had a fight with dh last night but same outcome, him crying ... I had to say to him at the end either sort yourself or leave us alone... Don't really feel better but maybe that's life, I know he is not gonna change, he is been like this sinse we got married 8 years back always into laptop, don't know about the other women but he surely has an affair with the laptop, feel bad for Tracey, she is attached to dh Maybe because she does not enough time with him as he has things to do on the laptop.. Thanks for reading.

Tell your dear MIL to take a running hike on her opinions. You could also add that she hasnt done a good enough job with her son if he can act so untrustworthy and not open, bursts into tears if he is found out or cant have his own way and if he runs home to mummy when there is a crisis then she clearly hasnt cut the apron strings!

Remember you dont have to have this woman in your life. You married the son that doesnt include the MIL telling you how to run your marriage or look after your children. Silly woman.

Sorry but blaming you for your childs issues is below the belt and nasty. I would not have lasted 4 mins let alone 4 hours so I consider you a saint!

Good for you on standing your ground with your DH. Its sad but at the end of the day he really needs to man up, stop crying to mummy and stop crying full stop! Understand that you have every right to be concerned about this situation and if he had any sense and really thought enough of you he would cancel it all out altogether and back track to normal married life.

BIG HUGS to you x

Fully agree with coff, lots of hugs for u. hopefully u get the strength to go through the rough time....

Mother in Laws, dontcha just luv 'em!

Agree with Coffee; you don't have to listen to this crap. I have purchased a sign from Joebloggs.co.uk which says "Be nice or Leave". Maybe you could buy one, and point to it when she starts her ignorant and unfounded ramblings. Refuse to listen or discuss your childs SN with her, she knows nothing.

If she rings you and starts simply hang up.

My (Ex) Mil once told me in all seriousness after I'd been explaining a particularly vicious tantrum from youngest that it was about time I faced facts, realised i wasn't a very good mother and didn't love or understand him enough and to seriously consider residential care where he would be loved and understood by people who really care and know what they're doing!

Thank goodness I know and so does everyone else in the family, that she is unable to open her mouth without spouting shit. But i was very hurt even so.

You got two ears, goes in one, comes out the other. Have that attitude with her. She's a silly daft bint is all

Is the playdate going ahead? Hope you manged to talk things through with your DH and he has realised how much he has hurt you and stopped this.

Agree upma -have taken enough shit from her, don't care any more, she alled this morning and I just put the phone down, thanks
Holy- the play date is still on as dh says he has commuted and too late to say no, but he says I have hurt him more than he has... , he left 2 mins back all dressed up and just before he left, he says don't even bother now, will come back and talk to you. ... I am very stressed, not think straight at all, feel like shit right now
Thank you all for listening.