I can't go on like this anymore. What do I bring to this world?......Nothing.

[makemineaquadruple]

So sorry everyone for being so dark. I'm sure it's the last thing you want to read, but I really needed to get it out. I'm sorry.

I really do believe that my life has brought nothing to this world. I can't tell you how much I love the people in my life, but apparently i'm such a screw up, that it really doesn't matter how much love I have inside me. I don't know what i'm doing. I don't know what to do. I don't know who i'm supposed to be.

I know that sounds very dramatic and possibly attention seeking, but I mean it with everything I believe to be real. I am living for my daughter and that is it. I am not living for me. I have done nothing with my life. I have got nowhere and apparently I am going nowhere...............so what's the point? Seriously, I haven't a clue.

I appreciate all the life around me, but I don't feel like I am a part of it.

There's so much that's screwed up beyond help. If I can't help myself then who can?

answer is, nothing.

I felt like this for the first 6 months of my daughters life, i knew i was a great mum but that was all i was. My daughters 18 month old now and bit by bit ive changed my life im still not 100% happy but im getting there bit by bit. Who do you have in your life supporting you?

sorry I meant nobody.

makemine I wish I had a magic wand, but don't (and if I did would use it on self... , just didn't want your post to pass without answering.

Please forgive me if I say silly stuff, as I don't know your situation... You are right in that no one can fix this, but maybe someone could stand alongside you and work on it together... It sounds like it all feels hopeless and that will never change. Do you have any one in RL who you can say these things to? someone outside the situation who can listen? (I have used friends but also professional counsellor when I felt what sounds like similar feelings, accessed through the carer's centre, so funded, and also not on medical records, if that is an issue).

I am also going to ask whether you feel medication might be useful. (Some do, some don't, personally I have taken ADs and they helped.)

Is there any practical support you can get to impact the situation and allow you to spend some time doing some 're-grouping'.

On a personal note my faith has been my bedrock on more than one 'dark time'. Someone to cling to.

Please carry on talking to us...

Do you want to talk more about your situation?

We're here, we're listening.

Im very sure your family would disagree with your comment but it doesnt make it easier. Please talk on here, we are all here listening.
And in all honesty, not many of know what we are doing, especially in the early days, we just muddle though, hopingwe are doing it right.
Do you have an understanding GP/HV? If your not getting help from them, you should. IT sounds like you are very low, and might need some medical help too, thats quite normal for us SN parents too.

I have got nowhere and apparently I am going nowhere - who told you this?

It can't possibly be true.

You have already done so much. Very few people do something exceptionally meaningful with their lives. Only a handful of people will be remembered for their 'contributions' to society.

No one can predict the future, what you will do tomorrow or next year.

Please.

Can you go to your GP? Have you already been?

Have you got a DP? Is he part of the problem? Or part of the solution?

Please.

Don't go down this hole.

Please get help. Nobody deserves to feel like you do.

It sounds like depression has hit you so hard that you can't think straight. So you cant believe anything good about yourself, nor that you might feel better than this in future.

Fair enough. On the other hand, it's not that logical.

Given you've posted, I'm guessing you must trust the rest of us on mnsn to understand, care, and have some chance of helping. Which is a good sign. For now I'm going to make a , and just listen.

That was two , obviously. But on second thoughts, I'll make several, hand round some , arrange a crèche and we can have hugs, a big box of tissues and a brainstorming session.

Morning everyone. Thank you so much for your kind replies.

I have actually been to my gp and i'm waiting for my second CBT appointment. The first one, I have to say I came home at a bit of a loss, as it was just a lot of me talking and her nodding and writing. Occassionally she would look up from her pad and ask me why I felt like that. I knew really that the first session would be like this, but there's such a big gap between the first and second session.

I don't to go into detail too much about my situation, but what I will say is that I genuinely feel like i've missed the train so to speak.

I feel like I have so much to give deep down, but because of my anxieties and depression, i've never really been able to achieve anything.

I stopped going to school full time when I was12/13 and since then it has basically been a constant battle to get out and stay out of the dark place. So to sound so morbid, but I can't find a better way to describe it.

I have always struggled in work, because i'm just so bitter that I haven't done more and find it almost impossible to concentrate because i'm so unhappy. I find it very difficult to trust people and always assume that people are talking behind my back.

Recently though, it's all come to a head and i've realised just how far i'm moving in the wrong direction. I just don't know how to change direction. There's so much that needs to be done, I just don't know where to start. I don't feel like i've got the strength. I feel completely weak and pathetic.

your post has made me cry! i really feel for you,
2 yrs ago i was in a very "dark hole" it is not nice! please please get some help,go and see your gp,he/she is there to help you?bring a family member with you for support,i did,and was glad i did as i fell apart once i was in there,i was shaking uncontrollably....
every thing got to me and thats why your post made me cry,i could have wrote that word for word 2 yrs ago......
the gp gave me ADs and they did help,but i have now weened myself off them and i am coping beautifully,the gp also offered me counseling,so you could go down that route either,
but sweetheart,in the nicest/kindest way...only YOU can do this,to get help,
my dh was at me for the best part of 2 yrs to get help,i did eventually,when id almost cracked!! talk to someone and get some support,
and as someone has already said here,we ARE all here for you too...(((hugs)))

oh glad you seen the dr. what advise did he give you?hope your ok xxxxxx

Meant sorry to sound morbid, not so, obviously. I'm sure there's more where that came from.

Is there 1 tiny thing you can do, today, that would help you move in the right direction?

Can you research something on the Internet?
Set a goal to get a (new) job?
Write your CV?
Find a babysitter?
Find an exercise class?
Tidy one corner of one room?
Do the dishes?
Buy healthy food at the supermarket?
Make an appt to see your GP about anti-depressants?
Have a hot bath?
Throw out left over alchahol?
Go for a walk?
Get your hair cut?
Get your nails done?
Throw out clothes that don't fit you or are out of date?
Have a healthy lunch?

Have you tried ADs before? What happened?

Hi makemine

You have brought something into this world that is good and positive and above all unique - you. You make a small yes but immensely valuable contribution to this world/ You are a part of life's rich pageant.

The following may appear trite but when you wake up think the following thoughts and repeat:-
I like me
I am worth it
I am unique
I am highly intelligent no matter what others may say.

You are worth it and you are most certainly not a screw up. That is your anxieties and depression talking but you need to learn to like/love your own self again. One day you will be well again.

What lies at the root of your anxieties and depression?. Can you not chase them regarding your second CBT appt?. Any chance at all of having CBT privately?.

The Samaritans are also there to talk to at the end of a phone.

If you can manage to book another GP appointment, bring your phone to show them this thread. Say you cannot make it unsupported to the next cbt appt. Ask for weekly help from one of them in the meanwhile. If you had a physical wound you'd have no trouble insisting on regular dressings till the specialist could see you. It's just the same.

completely agree with you maria

Hi. I have just read these comments and would like to say that often I feel like I do nothing of any importance. My son has ADHD and my daughter is so awkward I think she has oppositional defiance disorder. I am not in love with my husband anymore and seem to be living for other people. I swore I would never do this. I'm not sure how this happens to us. I used to be a samaritan so I am used to talking to people who feel they have nowhere to turn and once when I got to rockbottom I contemplated ending it all. After hours of feeling out of control, I realised the only person who had control over me was ME. It seemed at the time to be a revelation. I was able to turn a tiny corner from that one thought and I read many, many self help books. Some of them did really help at the time. I too am on antidepressants and they take the edge off the depression so that you can drag yourself out of bed and get through the day. I would say they aren't the answer long term but do really help in the short-term. I tried CBT but it was clear after 20 mins that it really wasn't for me but other people get on well with it, I hear. At least you have a person to talk to - the counsellor. It's a small start and I know from experience you just need to get the car moving in the right direction and not worry too much about the destination, at this stage. It is a question of tiny steps in a direction you want to go and you have a counsellor who can hold your hand whilst you make the first few steps. I will keep in touch with this thread to see how you get on with CBT. Lots of cyber support from me and the other mums!

Thanks Northern. Whereas, I don't wish anyone to feel like I do, it does help to know that i'm not the only one. I wish we all had the answers. I'm sorry about your current situation. I'm also sorry that CBT didn't work for you.

Also, i'm realising more and more that i'm self medicating, ie, makemineaquadruple by name, makemineaquadruple by nature. Because I never drink to get drunk or to necessarily forget, I convince myself every night that I don't have a problem. What's the problem with a couple of glasses of wine in the evening. Then it's every evening............then it's 3 or 4.......................then it's waking up most mornings feeling groggy, but still not believing that it's the drink. I must just feel groggy because I didn't get enough sleep, but that doesn't explain the headache. So that's another issue.

I'm on the edge of tears all the time and sometimes, when I let go and I do actually cry, I cry so hard that I feel like my heart is crumbling to peices. Once again, i'm sorry to be so dark.

I know what the trigger is this time. It's because dd goes back to school tomorrow and i'll have to face the school gate anxiety everyday. Also, the pressure of finding a job. I need to work for financial reasons, desperately, but the main reason is for my confidence and let's face it, my long term sanity. When i'm at home, I have too much time to think and when I think, my thoughts become darker and darker to the point where I can't see any light anymore.

Also, i'm becoming more and more broody, as is my dp, but it would be foolish on so many levels. Money, mental stability and many more reasons tbh. I'm also terrified that another baby may have more severe SN as it's so genetic and the more I get to know dp's family, the more it's becoming glaringly obvious that that's the case.

I can honestly, hand on heart say, that I haven't been truely happy since I was a child. As soon as I hit senior school, I lost the spark. It's a hard thing to get my head round when I think that i've never been happy as an adult. It's soul destroying actually, which is probably why I feel like my heart is breaking all the time.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but trust me, many of us including me have felt that way at some point. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

One thing I need to tell you though, is that with any therapy, CBT or otherwise, you cannot expect any results in just a few sessions. My DH had exactly your same action for his initial three sessions, him talking and therapist listening, that is the way it is, don't expect a solution so soon, please give it time.
Xx

Are you going to have a drink, or 4, tonight?

Every morning I think to myself no, you're not having a drink tonight and pretty much every night as soon as dd is in bed, I fail. It's the one thing i'm good at, failing. I know I wouldn't have 4 tonight, but i'm sure i'll have 1 or 2. I have to be honest. There is no point in me not being. I know I use it as a crutch when I go out and meet new people. If I have to drive, I will usually avoid social occasions because I can't have my "confidence booster".

Do you want to make alchahol your top problem which you try and tackle?

Or would you rather start with something else?

Something smaller and easier?

I know this sounds very simplistic, but do you do any excercise? I had to stop working recently and joint my local leisure centre, so have now time to go to th gym when Dcs are at school. It helps so much, I feel full of energy after it. Some days I have to drag myself, but after realising how much it helps with my emotianal well being I am finding easier to go.

About the drinking, I am th same but with chocolate, my solution is not to have ANY chocolate at home, if I don't have it here I don't consume it. Don't buy any alcohol for home.

I totally second daily exercise if you're not already, and if you can......

Could that be your '1 thing' which you do every day and can feel proud about doing......