I can't go on like this anymore. What do I bring to this world?......Nothing.

[makemineaquadruple]

So sorry everyone for being so dark. I'm sure it's the last thing you want to read, but I really needed to get it out. I'm sorry.

I really do believe that my life has brought nothing to this world. I can't tell you how much I love the people in my life, but apparently i'm such a screw up, that it really doesn't matter how much love I have inside me. I don't know what i'm doing. I don't know what to do. I don't know who i'm supposed to be.

I know that sounds very dramatic and possibly attention seeking, but I mean it with everything I believe to be real. I am living for my daughter and that is it. I am not living for me. I have done nothing with my life. I have got nowhere and apparently I am going nowhere...............so what's the point? Seriously, I haven't a clue.

I appreciate all the life around me, but I don't feel like I am a part of it.

There's so much that's screwed up beyond help. If I can't help myself then who can?

Makemine.... So sorry you are feeling this way. I truly can sympathise have been there probably still am if the truth be told but for the first time am on antidepressants and am on top of things can even feel a bit chipper on occassion. I used to hammer the old vino into me at night aswell and then felt so miserable the next day I went to see a hypnotist a while back to stop smoking and as I usually have the cigs when I am having a drink have now stopped drinking so much. Alcohol made me feel truly awful about myself but when you are drinking it it is the only thing that makes you feel happy and relaxed it is a vicious circle. Wish you lived round the corner would pop round armed with bunns, chocolates and pringles.

indigo, unfortunately I can't think of anything that I need to tackle which is small or easy. Everything seems like Mount Everest at the moment. I don't want to stop altogether. It's a genuine pleasure in my life, but I do want to learn not to depend on it and just enjoy it on special occasions or a few times a week.

timeto, I guess that would solve the issue, but the problem is at the time I don't think it's a problem to send dp out for a bottle of wine to share. It's only in the morning that I realise it is a problem. I know some of you are going to think i'm crazy, because I know what the problem is and it's in my hands to fix. I don't smoke or have an unhealthy diet, so I always tell myself that it's my one treat. I just need to learn to stop at 1 or 2 ALWAYS! Definitely agree with you about the exercise. I would love to join the gym, but again it's money. It wouldn't seem right not working and then spending what little money we have on the gym. Yes, I could do it for free, just walking in the great outdoors, but I don't like walking alone and that's another and not very nice story.

holy, your chocolate and pringles idea would actually be just the ticket. If they're your kind of offerings then I wish you lived round the corner too

Giving up drinking / cutting down is very, very hard. Not something I think you can tackle at the moment.

Could you exercises at home? But a DVD to work out to? There are hundreds of them to chose from.......

Well funnily enough my dp's parents bought me a Zumba at home DVD and some weight type things. I will definitely give it a go when i've got the house back to myself.

Is that when the kids go back to school? When is that?

I don't suppose the time of year or the weather is much help.

Can you plan something nice just for you in the early spring? These things do cost money but not necessarily a lot if you book well in advance and there seems to be LOADS of special offers for all kinds of things atm.

If you know well in advance you can plan the logistics so that everything can take care of itself in your absence etc.

And many of us are dealt cards that make us look over the past and wonder what on earth the point was or how much better things could have been if we were dealt better money/parents/bodies/schools/genes etc.

And on top of that, for obvious reasons I doubt many on this board feel that they have got anywhere near their potential. But try to imagine a future with something improved, however small, and even if you aren't sure of the path you need to take towards it start now with your day dreams and your efforts. The best ones would be social ones or exercise ones perhaps. Even if the only plan is to arrange for yourself to attend a cookery class once a week, or volunteer somwhere, or set up a mutal babysitting arrangement once a month/week etc.?

My dd goes back tomorrow and i'm dreading it tbh

Can you commit to doing the Zumba DVD tomorrow? Straight after you've dropped DD off?

I guess I could give it a go. I just hope I don't come home feeling as dark as I have been. It's virtually impossible to motivate yourself when you're feeling like this.

Thank you for caring though. I will definitely try and do something positive tomorrow.

even if that's just not letting myself think too much

You've achieved something today! A decision about what you're going to do tomorrow.

Come back tomorrow and tell us what positive thing you've done.

Hope it's the Zumba DVD :)

This is so simplistic I'm almost embarrassed to post it...

What about ending your dp out for a half bottle instead? Of a much nicer and more expensive wine than you'd otherwise choose, so you drink more slowly and keep the 'treat' aspect for now. Even if you use a local offie, they'd probably order something in that suits.

Oops. I meant Sending your dp

[blushes at obvious Freudian slip revealing own-DH-frustrations]

MakeMine - how are you this morning?

Has your DD gone to school OK?

What are you going to do for yourself today?

Morning Indigo.

Yes, my dd went off to school fine thanks. She was very excited about going back. I'm very grateful that she goes in to school so well. I know a lot of parents of sn dc's that still cry their eyes out when they're dropped off.

I've decided to daft out some letters for my dp's business. Business is very slow at the minute so we need to do some advertising. I say slow, it's completely stopped actually. We were talking about how bad things are financially last night and I decided this was a way that I could help. I don't normally get involved with dp's business, but I have no choice. I do see it as something positive to do. It can't be negative anyway.

Me and dp did have an argument last night though, which was the last thing I needed. It was actually about my CBT. He doesn't believe that it's going to do me any good. He can't even remember what CBT stands for and i've explained it countless times!! I know that it's not because he doesn't care, he just doesn't get it. He believes that you just get up and get on with it. He also believes that because I had a very serious health scare recently, which thankfully turned out to be a false alarm, that because i'm not seriously ill, that that should have been enough to snap me out of it. That I should be able to do anything if I now know that i'm ok physically. I just can't seem to make him see that it isn't that simple.

sorry I actually meant parents of sn and nt dc's that still cry their eyes out.

Drafting letters sounds good and proactive and positive.

Try to fit in time for that Zumba DVD as well......

Best Wishes

Sorry no advice,just to let you know you are not alone.I am in a black hole atm & trying to work a way out.Struggling with no dx for my dd.
Really should go and see GP but I don't want to be waved away with an rx for AD's.Dh is great but cannot solve all my problems,would idelly like to try counselling but cannot afford it.So am going round in circles,today is an ok day,but don't have that many of those.
I think I need a huge kick up the arse,as I am down on myself alot

chicken, i'm sorry you're going through something probably very similar, but please go to your GP. You wont be forced to take AD's. I got a prescription, but decided against taking them. You don't have to pay for counselling or CBT(which i'm having), but you do have to wait a few months before being assessed and to see which form of therapy would be most suited to you. I can't say yet whether CBT has worked for me as i've only had one session so far, but what I will say is that at the time, talking to someone impartial and new if that makes sense, did at that point in time, help. I really hope that the next session continues to point me in the right direction. Good luck and best wishes to you.x

Thanks makemine,I will make that appointment!!I really hope the CBT works for you.I feel that talking to someone impartial would help alot,will just have to impress that on my GP.Good luck xx

Just checking in to see how you are Makemine? Hope you had a productive day with your business letters it is good to have a project to do. Mine is setting up a healthy eating regime for DD to try and help her ADHD. Always feel it is good to have something to occupy your time and make you feel like you are making a difference even if it is something small. Anytime you want to PM me and have a good old moan or a shoulder to cry on please feel free x