Tell me NO! and I am mad....

[eidsvold]

have been feeling incredibly broody - sort of - always thought I would have a biggish family. Have the two dd's and I would love one more child. Dh feels he is too old, we can't afford it, much higher risk of SN ( age + dd1), these two are a handful at times.... all of those things that I agree with and realise are true

BUT - I would love one more......

tell me to be thankful for my two beautiful dds and not to hanker after what could be.... tell me I am mad to want three... tell me to forget it

I wouldn't mind a boy - all right for dh he has his daddy's girls - even dd2 who was a right mummy's girl is becoming a daddy's girl. Mama may have been her first word but it has disappeared - replaced by dadda.....

In fact - would love another dd if it came down to it

BUT

dh says no... so tell me NO too

NO! Because you told me to.... But seriously, you sound like in your mind, the decision has been made. Would dh budge? There is always reasons not to, but there is always the big reason to do it, because it would be lovely. I guess only you can make the decision... Not much help, am I???

thanks - dh is pretty firm on this one.....

How old is dd2?

I have 3 and it's much much harder than 2, no matter what people say. Our house is a tip and always noisy, we can't take them anywhere really, holidays are very expensive now, we have a huge food etc. bill and struggle on dh's middle-of-the-road salary, but can't work out a childcare arrangement at the moment that would allow me to work - there are just too many of them. I've not slept properly for 7 years.
But there are good reasons for having three, too, though one of the best things about having three is the close relationship dd2 has with ds (he's 2.5 years younger than her).
They get on like a house in fire and are always playing together, presumably you will have this with your two anyway.
Good luck, whatever happens.

3 has changed things considerably and made it much harder to meet ds2's needs (not ds1 as his have to be met or we all suffer). It's been very tiring. Although ds2 does get (fingers crossed) a normal sibling relationship with ds3 which is proving to be priceless. But then he has zero interaction with ds1 really which is probably more extreme than your case. Ask my opinion again in a year- I'm expecting things to be considerably easier when ds3 is 2, and a breeze when he's 3.

I don't know if this will help .. but I was remarkably, consistently broody for a 3rd (see earlier threads) and DH kept saying no because he felt 2 was enough (and also because of medical issues etc)

Well he's finally capitulated and now I'm thinking 2 is enough too

I think it might be just the finality of it all eidsvold .. might be .. I didn't like the feeling I would never have another and couldn't believe that part of my life (pregnancy / breastfeeding ) was truly over

eidsvold, I have three and I love it. I hear what geekgrrl says but we certainly do go out and often with just me. The house is messy but it was anyway! Mine interact so well nowadasy and the different dynamic (I have boy girl boy) is fascinating to watch.
Not what you want to hear really. I do think that if I had had two the same I wouldn't have been soooo desperate for a third. It's nice to have a same-sex sibling.

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i was exactly the same after having 2 .... i felt something was missing....and now i have 3 i feel complete...i know it sounds soft...but i do feel better with 3!!!!

however...in the process me and my H nearly split up...as he was CERTAIN he wanted NO MORE...and at the time we had no diagnosis for tom...just weren't coping...

how i actually concieved is TRULEY A MIRACLE....H agreed to 'try over 1 weekend'....in august (as me and H have our birthdays in may...and i'd always joked about having a MAY born baby...)....

so we 'u-know-whatted' ONCE on the friday...then argued all saturday and sunday...so no sharing a bed for us....and amazingly i concieved from that 1 attempt!!!!

3 weeks later we were in the attic sorting out and i told him i was pregnant.

he did not speak to me for days.

he did not tell anyone i was pregnant- even though i had told loads.

he did not come to any scans.

he refused to acknowledge the pregnancy....

and by 6 months i really thought we would split up.

then something changed....in the last 4 weeks or so he finally accepted it .

he was there as had been for the other 2...at the birth.

and i can honestly say there is a very special bond between him and alex.....i think for a long time H felt very guilty about how he'd been...and when alex arrived...he felt he had to make up for it....

so...all i can say...is that there is NO compromise...if one partner wants a baby and the other doesn't.... there is no 'in between'...but WE have survived!!!

finally...i was never bothered about whether i had boys or girls...i have 3 boys..... but i CRAVED a 'snuggly...cuddly...milk loving baby'...and i unfortunately have had 3 'crying...irritable...unconsolable...milk hating...' babies....so i have accepted that now...and no longer have that craving...so am not planning to have the 4 kids i always said i'd like!!!
(and at ages 6,9 and 12... 2 are diagnosed asperger's(autism)...1 also has ADHD....and the youngest is gradually being noticed as having 'something autistic' too.)

so for me it is easy to stop wanting more...as i believe that it is a genetic thing.....whereas you have a different concern (DS i think??)
And whilst i am accepting of how my life is ... I know i cannot split myself into any more pieces than i do already....

But what i cannot say is that if after my 1st or 2nd i had been told my kids were Autistic...whether i would have wanted a 3rd....as deep down i think i would of anyway...i think i would have assumed the new baby would have had 'it' too...as i am certain now if i had a 4th ...he would be autistic...i cannot imagine now having a child without autism.

so----ramble finished!!!

eidsvold- dd1 shouldn't increase your risk of SN should she? DS3 is apparently over 100 times more likely to be autistic that JOe Public and more way more likely to have a speech and or language disorder. I've just counteracted by teaching him Makaton

Like MrsF I do feel complete with 3- I have no qualms at all about chucking out the baby stuff, booking dh in for a vasectomy etc. I also know I would be horrified to be pregnant again (no room for accidents!). I also would worry about my age now as having another with significant SN would kill me I think. DS3 is lovely though whatever and obviously I wouldn't swap him now!

It is however much harder, much much harder (and ds3 is shaping up to be NT).

I bet you're not as old as us! I had DD when I was 43 and DH is a year and a bit older than me. Ideally I'd have had her earlier but I was unwell and advised not to get pregnant until reasonably better. If I could have another child and KNOW they don't have the SN that DS has then I would still have another.... at 46! I don't want to be tactless but you CAN know that another child doesn't have the SN your DS1 has, not that it rules everything out of course. I think its sad for DD, not only because she won't experience having an NT sibling, but she DOES experience having a very NOT-NT sibling iyswim. Of course she doesn't know any different and we do our best to make life good and fun. Having grown up with a sister with AS, I have to say that the one thing that made a HUGE difference was having my other NT sister, we helped each other through our somewhat strange childhood and we're still best friends.
Of course you've still got to consider all the other issues aside from SN such as finances, being in agreement with DH, whether its just passing broodiness and you're better of with 2 etc etc. Oh dear, sorry Eidsvold, don't suppose any of that helps.....

I'm a bit like Twiglett. I felt a real need for another baby, hated the thought of getting rid of any baby things, hated the thought of never breastfeeding again. Dh wasn't keen, he's in his 50s, we're in debt, the car's falling to bits and we could have another child with sn etc etc.

Then a strange thing happened. Dh got to the stage where if I had really wanted another one we would have tried. We had a bit of a scare when I thought I might be pregnant and it was me that was relieved when I wasn't, not dh! I'm now in the process of putting baby things on ebay.

I think Twiglett is right, it's sometimes the finality of a part of your life being over. I'm not saying you shouldn't have another just maybe give it a bit of time, see how you feel then. In year I've gone from being barely able to look at a new-born because I felt so broody, to feeling much more calm and 'common-sense' about the reality that we are probably going to stick at two.

to answer all your questions - dd2 is 14 months old

dh is 44 this year and I am 38.

I worry like you baka that dd2 will get lost in the middle - you know what I mean

even though dd1 has bog standard trisomy21 - that fact that we already have a child with ds our odds are increased compared with the general population - and of course there was the soft marker they picked up for dd2 - which turned out to be nothing.

I worry that dd2 will have the responsibility of caring for dd1 - not in a live in but a sibling guardian sort of way iyswim - figure better if it is shared between two.

Can't bear the thought of giving away baby things or getting rid of baby furniture - well some I gave back as we had been borrowing it... but I look at my two beautiful daughters and want more. I see how much dd1 adores dd2 and wonder if there is not room for another.

YET - I do remember the sleepless nights - dd2 was so unsettled etc as a fed on demand breastfeeding babe who was dragged here there and everywhere.....it would be another c-section so that is a week in hospital and then again the recovery time. dd1 is not toilet trained - dd2 might be before another babe appeared...

thanks for your thoughts.

My dh is the oldest - he turned 60 not long after ds2 was born and I turned 40, 17 days after the birth. I felt the same about feeling that one more made our family complete. I also wanted another sibling for dd as ds1 is just so awful to her most of the time. That is interesting what you said Davros about your sisters. As far as I can see so far ds2 doesn't have autism (he is quite different from ds1 even early on) but of course he's only 5 months. Am happy to accept whatever comes along having done the ground work. Also I know dh isn't going to be around when the kids are in their 20s (unless he lives to be 90! but unlikely) so for me 3 kids will keep me company and hopefully provide lots of grandchildren!

It has been and still is very hard work, that I will say and it feels like I hardly have a moment to myself. But a lot of that depends on how much support you have. I've had none (but currently having a social work assessment so should get more support - yippee!)

Good luck with your decision. I would say on balance to go for it as you will always regret what you never had, but that's only my view of course....

Would love to tell you "no", but I always wanted a third. It is only my third child that has special needs and me and my husband split when she was only 11 weeks old (4 years ago now) so I am now a single working (part-time) mum to 3 children, one with needs, lots of hospital appointments, etc. but I would not change my life for the world. My 3rd made me complete, definitely do not want any more (new boyfriend has a child younger than my youngest which is nice). Would have loved to be still married with my 3 children, but we did not split up because of the 3rd or her needs, things just didn't work out.

Another one here who felt that I had to have a third. DH was very against it, in the end we did have a third and he (ds2) really altered all the family dynamics. From the day I had ds2 I have never felt broody again, so I personally believe that I did that right thing pushing dh to agree

Our only difficulty now that we have two teens and one nearly teen is financial- it is a struggle at times, but that was never enough of a reason for me not to have a third.

I realise this is not quite answering your question as I don't have a child with special needs, but thought you might be interested in the "getting it out of your system" aspect.

I know I def. want a third but not immediately yet . Our chances of another baby with DS are increased like yours, but it is now something i know about & experience of so i have no fear of another child being born with DS. Whther i could cope if baby3 was born with another special need is another matter lol

But I know I dont yet feel my family is complete, but I do know I dont want more than 3 (eek! hope its not twins next time!)

So, sorry, I cannot say NO dont do it

Our situation was almost the reverse to yours, eidsvold. Dh was the one who was always broody for a 3rd child while I was the one ready to run a mile in the opposite direction. Ds2 was just too much of a shock to the system after being used to placid ds1. The most repeated phrase in our house wrt ds2 was probably "I love him dearly but my god he's high-maintenance!"

It was only as ds2 got a bit older that I felt able to consider having a third child. Ds1 and ds2 are generally very close. Ds2 seems to miss his brother when ds1 is at school and so will (hopefully!) enjoy having a younger brother or sister around the place. Of course there is a high chance that no.3 may be on the autistic spectrum too but seeing how well ds1 and ds2 are doing does at least give me a lot of hope for the future.

oh, and eidsvold, neither dh nor I actually wanted a third properly, we just had a bit of a 'mad moment' and decided to stop using the pill - after 2 weeks I decided it wasn't a good idea but by then ds had already been conceived!
Ds is gorgeous though.

Eidsvold - I had about 2 months at 14-16 months were ds was learning to walk and talk and seemed very grown up and I wanted another. Dh really didn't and at some point I realised I didn't either. Ds is now nearly 3.

Because we only have ds I find it impossible to part with all the baby thing, except the ones we found useless. And I am so decided I had a coil fitted (we have to pay here, so it's a bigger decision to have it taken out before the 5 years is up!)

We thought we were finished at 2 but with the excitement of moving last summer we were not paying enough attention and ended up with a little surprise in my belly. It did not take us long to decide we were looking forward to the new addition and the fact that it is a boy has made my husband extremely happy - we have 2 girls (NT age 11 and almost 6 with HFA). After considering how a third would change the dynamics of our family we think now that having a younger sibling will be fantastic for DD2 as now she is doing so well and really beginning to pick up on the world around her and speaking much more. Having a younger sibling will only give her more opportunities to interact and learn things she perhaps missed up till age 4.5 when she basically was 'not there'.

We do wonder how it will change our lives financially - considering last one was born 6 yrs ago we have given away all the baby things we had and considering this one is a boy much of what we had would have been inappropriate anyway so we are starting from scratch but know that everything will work out somehow - right?

We know having this baby will change things considerably and take us back about 5 yrs as DD2 has started school now we will have a baby at home when we were almost 'free' but so it goes. DH is going to be the one holding the baby when I return to work so I think it probably affects his life more than anyone - he was almost ready to head back to work - at least he's going to have lots of time to spend with 'his boy'. He did say early on when we were debating whether we were having girl or boy that whatever it was he'd love it the same and I'm sure that would be true of most dads.

I am not enjoying pregnancy at all and am not really looking forward to breastfeeding although I will try my best - everything just did not work out well with DD2 and I have memories of it being a difficult time for me. I am staying positive and looking forward to my baby boy and I figure the only way I'm going to get much bonding is if I do try to bf as DH is likely to take the baby under his arm and run as soon as bub shows his face - can you tell DH is a little excited about 'his boy'?

This is probably not much use to you eidsvold, you and your DH would have to decide between you how flexible the 'NO' is but I know for absolute certain that asap DH is having the 'snip' as there will be NO #4 for us - my body couldn't take it again and I don't think my sanity would hold up too well either

Geez - that was long

Ha Eulalia! I'm still the oldest (bag)mother!! Eidsvold, imo you prob are going through a broody phase and there's no need to decide for certain, for ever and ever right now. Whatever your circs I personally wouldn't have another very close to the previous one but especially with with SN, 3-4 years is best imo!! Mind you, you'd need to start thinking about getting started in the next year or so. Me and my NT sister are 4 years apart and the best of friends, and the sister with AS is in the middle, so all this stuff about the age gap affecting sibling relationships doesn't make sense to me, unless its a huge age gap. I thought my DH would refuse to have another as he was more terrified than me about ASD, and I was pretty terrified (up until DD was 2!) but we both felt ready. Blimmin toddler takes it out of us though!
IG, how exciting to hear that your bump is a boy .

Yeah - thanks Davros - we're all happy it's a boy!

thanks so much for all your pov.... it does give us something to think about. We had not intended to have the other two as close together as they are BUT we figured being 'older' it would take us a while - we should have realised that dd1 was quick and with dd2 - first time - so much for taking ages and so having an okay gap.

I also worry about dd2 not have a relationship with an NT sibling .... not that there is anything wrong with her relationship with dd1.

Oh so much to take into account - although dh who was sooo firm has said the other night - not never... so now I wonder if it wouldbe the best thing for all concerned!!!

oh well - food for thought