How can we help OH's son when his mother won't listen? Austism/ADHD

[JJsMumma]

Hi there, just really need someone to talk to who has any experience in this. We have had an ongoing problem for three years now whereby my OH's son, who is now 6.5yrs old, has terrible behaviour and emotional problems. When I met him for the first time, aged 3.5yrs, he told me to F off! Things have gone downhill from there culminating in him accusing me two weeks ago of hitting him, kicking him and knocking him to the floor. Obviously I didn't do anything of the kind! I have tried to distance myself and OH has seen him by himself mainly for the past 18 months, but we thought seeing as Christmas is coming we would attempt to spend some time all together, with these results.

He is very unresponsive, unaffectionate and reacts to the slightest thing going wrong - for example, if someone accidentally bumped into him, with violence, shouting and aggression. He will go and wind himself up inside the long door curtain and scream to go home.

There have been so many instances of bad behaviour and emotional OTT outbursts that it would fill the forum to list them all, however our main problem now is that after 3 years of trying to get OH's ex to accept that this is actually happening, and get him some help, she has apparently taken him to the doctors who have said 'counselling isn't the answer'. So what is? She sent us a message tonight to say that he doesn't want to see OH on Sunday (they live a 100 mile round-trip away) and that I have apparently said he is not welcome in our house, and we don't want to see him any more.

For the last 3 years as I say she has totally denied there is any kind of a problem with him, and refused to get him the help he so desperately needs. She also refuses/fails to contact us regarding his medical appointments, she won't tell us where he goes to school or who his doctor is, then, when tonight we replied that we suspect he needs assessing for ADHD/Autism, she replied 'thanks for your support!!' - its not our fault if once again she won't accept things for what they are. He also has a real problem with flat feet, collapsing ankles, hearing, and growth - he is 6.5yrs but is the same height and weight as a small 4 year old. He has size 11 feet and wears age 4 clothes.

I have cried a lot over what to my mind is frankly abuse. In the past she has slammed the door in OH's face when he has tried to urge her to seek help for the child. She got so nasty during the divorce battle that she threatened to report OH to the HRMC for tax evasion if we cross her in any way (he's self-employed so he's a sitting duck for that sort of accusation - we have a chartered accountant and the books are watertight but the stress of any investigation would make our lives hell). Despite all this, we then get sarcastic texts saying 'thanks for your support!!'.

I really need help with advice to what to do to get help for the little boy as he is so messed up - the thing is it is hidden so deep that he can act 'normal' for want of a better word, until he is provoked by the slightest thing, so a doctor wouldn't get to see that side of him, but a child psychologist would.

We just don't know where to turn. How can I as a parent myself just 'leave it' when a child desperately needs help? She seems to associate having a child with problems as something to be ashamed of, or as if she is a failure as a parent. To my mind, by letting her child carry on like this, that's just what she is - there's no shame in having a child with special needs but there's shame in doing nothing about it.

She seems to find it a lot easier to blame us for everything even though we barely see the child as he refuses to see his dad most of the time.

Any advice?

Without wanting to sound like i doubt you, if he was behaving like this at school and home, Im pretty sure something would have happened.
Also does DH have PR over his son? If he does, he is within his rights to take him to GP, call the school ect.

Your oh needs to go back to court and ask them to look at the situation again .He should know who his child's doctor is and what school he attends.
Once you get that info you can request that the school asses the child's behavior and refer him on to specialists if he shows signs of ADHD /autism/ sn.
Your oh needs to contact the doctor and talk to him about his concerns for the boy.
If all else fails , call in the sw.

Children with additional needs do so much better if those needs are provided for ...head in the sand attitude does no one any good .

We don't know anything about his behaviour at school, but we do know from her that he is doing the exact same thing to her and her new husband, so much so that they cannot be left in the same room together. I know it does seem totally unbelieveable that she can let this sort of thing go on, but that is the situation. Then we get accused of not supporting her! I know it sounds like I am really negative to her and yes I can't stand her BUT she needs a rocket up her backside - she's very uneducated and ignorant towards children's needs, and very much let him rule the roost when he was younger. When he used to come and stay with us in the early days, his bedtime routine with her was to sleep in her bed, with a dummy and a bottle of milk - at nearly 4 years of age - with the tv and light on, until he fell asleep. He has an appalling diet, he barely eats anything and unlike most children who will eventually eat what is on their plate if they are hungry enough, he is capable of totally switching off from it and just not touching anything on his plate.

OH (DH next year :) ) does have PR but there's no way she would let him take him to the doctor - she barely let him see him for a few hours on a Sunday - yet we get our apparent lack of support chucked back in our faces when we tell her things she doesnt want to hear and won't accept. If this was my child I would have moved heaven and earth years ago to get him the diagnosis and support he so desperately needs, not sit on my hands and do nothing because of worrying about looking like a bad mother.

She sounds like a nightmare.
Unless she will let your oh take him to doctor or talk to school, im not quite sure what the answer is, unless you call ss, and tell them she is neglecting his needs (which she is).
Could oh afford a private pead appointment that he could arrange on his contact day?

You don't actually know that the mum hasn't tried to get help . Maybe she has and wasn't listened to because she is uneducated and won't challenge or ask for second opinions ? .

Might be why she's not playing nice at the moment . She's most likely exhausted as well and not thinking straight. Just more angry and resentful at the world instead of seeing you are actually wanting to help ? Her lack of info isn't helping though .

You need a lawyer ...then to get wee boy assessed ...once that's done then you will know what route to go down.

Btw he sounds a bit like my ADHD stepson , and a bit like my asd daughter.

Good luck .

Thank you, Droves - totally agree that burying your head in the sand is not the answer. The problem is that she herself is a victim of a bad upbringing, with an ignorant mother. Her justifaction for smoking throughout her pregnancy was that her mother smoked, and there's nothing wrong with her children, so what's the point? And so on. I have no doubt that her mother and her large family are all giving their 2p that there is nothing wrong with the child (I hate having to refer to him as 'the child' but don't want to use his real name!) and so she just carries on. Both her and her husband have quite a large income (unlike us) and so she tends to mask things by buying him whatever he wants, even in the most inappropriate circumstances, for example, when, at the age of 4, he had to have a filling, he was 'comforted' by her buying him an expensive DS game. To my mind, if it was my son, I would provide comfort for a horrible ordeal at having a filling so young by...stopping sweets maybe? Yet there he is with a huge brown hole in his back tooth 2.5 years later, where yet another filling is needed through eating too many sweets.

So yes, she is a total nightmare! I will offer help and support to anyone, no matter how much I may dislike them personally, when an innocent child is involved. But she is such a game player - she tried to set OH up tonight by asking for his opinion on what to do, then throwing it back in his face when she again got the response we have told her all along - he needs assessing for autism. Does anyone have experience on autistic children? From the things I have looked up on the internet and read about (and also had training on in my line of work as a childcarer) he meets the following symptoms:

• Reluctance to make eye contact
• Looking at you 'side on', out of the corner of his eye, through almost closed eyes
• The ability to close himself off from 'normal', knee jerk reactions, such as looking at yet ignoring a plate of food in front of him when he surely must be very hungry
• No emotional response/angry, irrational OTT response
• Early development in some stages - OH informs me he was fully potty trained by around 17 months, including at night.
• Lack of affection
• The ability to completely misbehave while apparently doing nothing - this is hard for me to explain but you'd know what I meant if you saw it
• Hearing problems - he isn't deaf but he can completely switch of his ears, even to the point where my 4 year old spoke his name at least 5 times, then shouted it, and he didn't even flinch like you naturally would if something made you jump
• Total reluctance to discuss feelings or emotions
• Will not express a reaction in a 'normal' way, i.e. if something causes him sudden pain, i.e. my 4 year old accidently knocked him in the head with a wii remote, he will leave the room, scream, then come back in ranting 'I hate you all, I want to go home' and so on, rather than the instant pain cry that most children would give
• If his demands aren't met straightaway, he will try to make himself invisible, by either trying to shrink into the wall, or hiding behind the curtain.
• Extreme rudeness in response to simple requests e.g. 'can you put your coat on'
• Complete lack of interest in the simple things such as a walk in the country - we did this on Sunday and despite the lovely surroundings he just stared at the ground.
• 'Odd' movements, jerkiness, for a long time he hit himself in the forehead and eye area, he seems to be double jointed and has very bandy legs - I looked up a condition called hypomobility and even printed out and highlighted corresponding symptoms, which got zero response (yet apparently we don't support her?!)
• Very rude and disrespectful to any adults
• Very keen on routine, he knows he goes home at 4pm, constantly asks what the time is, when he is going, what is happening next in the sequence of events leading to him going home, and so on. These questions are repeated about every ten minutes until he feels the need to act up in order to get taken home
• Just about the only thing that interests him is music, but he needs to have it very loud
• To finish, it breaks my heart to right this - I haven't seen him smile a genuine smile for over two years.

I just don't know what to do and her attitude is making me ill because I care very much about the boy and as a mother myself and a childcarer I have a real desire and passion about helping all children, and to see a child like this is upsetting beyond belief. I broke down and cried all over him, clung him to me and wept into his chest - to no response, no response to either get away from me, or comfort me, just a total shut off face according to my OH - when I discovered the true extent of his terrible feet; fallen arches, collapsed ankles that point inwards and knock together, his knees point backwards at the back, he plods along like a toddler, and bends his knees with each step, all because she puts him in £6 primark shoes, when we are paying enough CSA for a new pair of properly fitted Clarks shoes every week - she spends more on hair dye then she does on his vital needs such as decent shoes to ensure proper development. I printed out a leaflet on the special inserts you can get from specialists, again to no response. In the summer he arrived in shorts and complained of tummy pain, when I looked, the shorts were aged 18-24 months and had left a bright red weal ring around his waist and back. I feel emotional and angry just writing this now.

I only wish we could afford to have a private assessment done on him. Maybe there is not actually anything wrong with him that real attention and education wouldn't mend, I just don't know. We aren't allowed near him for long enough to be able to help him, and when we try to get through to her, this is what we get. We sent a reply back along the lines of 'our point has been proven yet again, you react like this when I tell you what you don't want to hear, I've tried talking about this for 3 years and you've not wanted to know, so don't you dare claim a lack of support now. There is no point continuing this conversation just text me next time he wants to see me', and we haven't heard anything back - I felt so angry I just had to nip it in the bud and get our point across.

Thanks for listening everyone, oh and not blaming me and branding me a cow like she does!

Jj from what you've said in your posts , your stepson (soon to be anyway, let's just call him dss , ) does sound like my kids . Particularly the part with obsession with time and routine.

And the walk ...autistic spectrum disorder kids often walk funny. My dd did , it was one of her markers ...she sort of staggered along on her tiptoes. Decent shoes don't prevent this , but they do give more support to her ankles ( she also has hyper mobility).
Selective hearing is also a thing my kids have , miss asd ,because she zones out , and mr ADHD because he's too in grossed in what mischief he's getting up to.

Your stepson communicates ok ,which is why I'm guessing there is no diagnosis for him ?. Has there ever been a problem with his speech ?

I think the school he's at should have intervened by now , or at least recommended him to the cahms or peadiatritions

There is no excuse for the child not being provided for , clothes that are too small and digging in causing him pain is just not on . Perhaps you and Oh could just buy him some decent shoes next time you have him ? At least that way it would settle your mind that your trying to do what's right by him , even if his mum has made it difficult .

I honestly think going down the legal route is the best way to sort this.

Maybe try a different tactic with the mum ? .

Instead of sending her texts outlining your Concerns , perhaps try asking vaguely " what can I do to help you with ds ? , because you've said your not getting enough support from us and we would like to change that " ?

It might work to diffuse the anger she still in , then you've got a chance of doing something to help your dss .

Droves - there was a problem with his speech at first but only because she let him have a dummy for such a ridiculously long time that he spoke around the dummy, as it was permanently in his mouth, then his teeth grew in an arch around the shape of the dummy, so for a long time he was very hard to understand. His speech is better now but his teeth still won't close properly, so he has a lisp.

We do try so hard with his ex but she is such a game player - the chances are she sent the initial text tonight as her new husband was out and she wanted someone to pick a fight with. We had a situation earlier in the year whereby she sent antagonising texts to my OH when we had his ds here, then refused to meet him halfway home so we had to do the total 100 mile round trip. When OH got to the house, the husband was waiting in the garden and got right in OH's face calling him a c**t and F this and F that, all in front of the child, and was trying to egg OH on to hit him. It took every ounce of OH's self control (which isn't a lot as he does have a short fuse, unlike me who would have just looked him up and down sympathectically and walked off) not to smack him in the face.

The whole situation is crazy and sadly we cannot afford legal advice as we are still £30k in debt from the divorce battle and it is taking everything we've got to pay it back, on top of all the usual outgoings. We are not entitled to legal help as despite being on a low income there is equity in the house - equity that OH had to pay £30k to recover but there you go!

Its a vicious never ending circle which will only be curtailed by OH giving her what she is endlessly trying to provoke him into doing, which is telling her to F off, and abandoning visiting his son so that she can paint him as the bad person and disappear into the sunset with her son and husband, whom she makes the poor boy call 'Daddy', so that they all look like the perfect family to outsiders. Life is just one big poisonous game to her, and she's too ignorant to see that the only loser is her innocent son. We will not walk away but it is pretty much destroying us at the moment, especially me, I am up so late as my IBS is playing up from the stress she causes me (sorry for the TMI!). Wish I could be like her - an uncaring, heartless bitch - then I wouldn't get so upset about an innocent, damaged child being used as a weapon in a one-sided war.

Reading through my posts, I can spot some dreadful spelling mistakes which only goes to show how stressed I am! I thank you all for your help. I know that I need to concentrate on my own life and not let others get to me - sadly my tummy doesn't think as sensibly as my brain does, and can't shift gears so quick.

I don't know what the outcome to this will be but I'm stuffed if I am going to waste any more energy on trying to make her see what is right under her nose, and what we have been telling her for years. The other problem that I have is OH is very reluctant to go down the school and doctor route, mainly because he is useless on the phone - deep down I know that this situation is getting to him so much, he just wants to give into what she wants, and just walk away. I don't say that as lightly as it reads, it would be a massive decision brought about by three years of the most awful mental torture from his ex - and that is only the three years that we have been together, when they were together she was so awful to him that most nights he slept on the large locally-moored boat that he owned at the time. His confidence and self esteem was at rock bottom when we got together and despite his bravado and 'oh well' attitude, I can see him slipping back. He gets no support from his own family in this issue, and it is hard for us to explain to people who don't know the entire situation, and who don't know his ds very well. It has got to the point now where we cannot involve our friends in our family life when dss is visiting - for example, we have two sets of friends who actually live not far from where he lives, but when we visited the first set, he was so incredibly rude to them ("I hate you, I hate this house and I don't want to come back, I never want to see you again") that we feel we cannot visit them in those circumstances again, and we daren't try with the other set as they have recently had a baby and I know he wouldn't be able to cope with the attention being on the baby.

His aggression and use of aggressive language is so extreme that I actually crept up on him when he was by himself in our outside playhouse, and overheard him saying the following - "I hate you, I am going to kill you, cut your eyes out, go away and don't look at me, I hate you". The victim of this abuse? One of our free ranging chickens who had hopped into the playhouse. He has also said to my son that he is going to stick screwdrivers in his ears.

When we mentioned all of the above to his ex at dropping off time, she just said "oh well he doesn't act like that here, it must be you" and then slammed the door. Then other times, like the last time, with the accusations made against me, she will admit that he behaves exactly the same at home.

Definitely need my bed, hoping I will feel better in the morning and that she will leave it another two weeks to contact us with a snotty text about contact, no doubt cancelling it. I must admit in my darkest moments I do wonder how this is going to affect our relationship because I have to think of my own son and I have to think of my health...I have IBS, slight anxiety issues and a fluttering heart, OH in addition has diabetes, control of which goes out of the window in stressful situations. Last year when the divorce battle was at its height, he nearly slipped into a coma twice.

Will keep you updated with all developments!

If you can't afford a lawyer go to social services, or represent yourselves at court. If things are really as bad as you describe then it shouldn't be hard to put a case together. Do you actually want the child to live with you?
Your post does come across as blaming her for being uneducated, swearing etc etc and you seem confused as to how much of this is her fault and how much underlying condition. Perhaps one fuels the other - he is hard to parent - so she finds it hard and can't cope - so the child gets worse etc etc
Children with ASD and ADHD are hard to parent and its not always the fault of the parent.
It also sounds as though this mother has serious problems of her own - perhaps she also has ASD, ADHD, LD etc.
Presumably your OH knew all of this when he met her and had a child with her and therefore he should be sorting it out / not walking away. If he can't cope with her then why is he even considering walking away and leaving a child to cope with a person / situation he can't cope with?
Why are you so quick to blame her but attribute no fault to your OH even though he is content to stand by and watch his child be subjected to what you yourself describe as abuse and unhappiness?
If you really think this is abuse then why are you posting on here. Pick up the phone to social services. Otherwise you are as much to blame as his mother.
Maybe foster care is the way forward if neither of his parents is prepared to step up?
this child has no prospect of a quality of life - he will end up in prison, or care or with serious mental health problems. I can't believe you have let this go on for 3 years without calling in professionals.

Sorry just read that back and it sounds harsh.
I think the adults in your scenario are so caught up in adult issues that this child needs someone independent to be their advocate eg a social worker.
I would hate to think that you give up on this child because of the implications for the adults involved.
The child didn't create this situation and someone needs to be looking out for him. Someone with some distance from the relationships and emotions.
Because it is possible his behaviour is not due to ASD etc but just due to neglect
My child has ASD and I worry so much he will self harm, get depressed, become suicidal in teenage years - this is what happens to a large %.
It might make things better to have an outside professional take control of the situation.

Good luck with getting help from ss. IME they are blindly on the side of the mother. Hopefully they will help this wee boy. As Agnes asks do you want full custody or to see the boy more often?

I don't know how pr can help, you have probably posted on the relationship board for that.

Whether the child's communication and behavioral problems stem from autism or abuse you may find resources for autistic children helpful. An easy read I got from the local library was Playing laughing and learning with children on the autistic spectrum by Julia Moor.

Lots of people on here are using behavior therapy for their children, where you break goals down into small achievable steps. Eg you want him to be polite to your friends then keep the visit short, explain to him what will happen (and to your friends), what you want him to do eg say hello and shake hands and what his reward will be for doing that. My 4.10 y.o. would probably settle for a smartie.

The above example may be completely inappropriate! Hopefully others on here could recommend useful resources.

Ps op, lots of loving parents on here battle for years to get their children assessed, diagnosed, treated, understood, helped. There is no statutory agency that will swoop in and 'save' your dss. Your best bet is to educate yourselves on how to help the boy.
Poor little chap. Maybe he needs to have his dad to himself for those fleeting visits. Does he come for longer in the school holidays?

Ok , you can't afford a lawyer or to take her back to court, what about asking for mediation services to help with the access ?

If you post on the step parents threads , they will help you with ideas on coping with the ex. I really think there is two issues here. The difficult ex is the first thing you need to deal with. If you can't sort her /regular access then you wont be able to help the wee boy.

The possible sn / bad behaviour is not going to go away.

Only thing I can say is stick to a rigid routine , and be consistent, firm but kind and if you catch him being vile , tell him you understand he's angry , but if he can tell you why maybe you can help ?.
Calm calm calm. Do not get angry , try not to get stressed . If all else fails , take your own dc and go visit your family ,so dss can have have dad to himself now and then.
The thing about the screwdriver is very disturbing and I'm thinking he's that your ds get to live with OH,when dss can't.
My ADHD stepson punched my dd4 through the mesh of her playpen when she was a couple of months old ( premi ,just out hospital 4 weeks ,looked like a newborn), that was jealousy .I picked him up and put him down on the sofa and told him if he ever did that again , he would have to see daddy at mummy's house or outside. No violence is the number one rule , anything else can be forgiven.
6 years on dss (ds3) looks after dd4 and her twin ds4 at school , is sort of her acting bodyguard in the playground ,and I trust him completely not to hurt her.Often he's the first she will go to if she has hurt herself or needs something. It took a very long time to get there , and his mum completely went 180 from her original view that there was nothing wrong with him ...she now wants his medication upped every time ,( too much , IMO , he's getting terrible headaches for side affects. Bit more positive parenting from her would be better. ).

Basically , it's very hard for you , and it's not going to change overnight.
What you can do is ensure dss has a positive experience every time he is at your home...make it that he enjoys being there ...if he has loads of excess energy loads of trips to parks where he can run about , ect.
You don't know what his mum has been saying to him , but I doubt given her actions that she's been positive about you .

Can I ask a cheeky question ? Did your Oh and you get together very quickly after their break up ? Her behaviour is very spiteful for someone 3 years after a breakup, given that she has a new dh .
Even if you have to sugar-coat every conversation you have with her to get her to calm down then do it. It's the only way you are going to be able to help your dss .

db (barrister) says to keep a copy of all texts, both sides, and a diary of his behaviour at yours. Present said diary etc in court or to social services. If he has parental rights he is entitled by law to know which school he is at and to get a copy of dss school report and notification of parents evenings and other school events.

Agnes - thanks for your replies. I have no doubt that my OH does have to share some of the blame because he very much let her control his early parenting, particularly with bedtime routines and so on (she'd let him fall asleep on the sofa in the evenings rather than do the whole bedtime routine trying to get him to sleep in his own bed). She's also been very badly advised by her own family. The reason we haven't stepped in before now is 1) because she threatened to, and would have, taken OH's house in the settlement - she was advised to go for 80% which she originally tried to get, then she moved a new partner in who was a higher earner, so she wasn't entitled to legal aid to fight for so much (plus she would have had to pay lots of fees) so she thankfully dropped it, but then the HMRC threats started up. OH's accounts are watertight as I say but his dad, who he has a partnership with, has sailed close to the wind before and it was this that she threatened to report. We've literally not had a leg to stand on with anything for 2.5 years, and I knew as soon as the divorce battle was over, the next weapon she'd hit us with was child access, which she has. She moved him a 100 mile round trip away, three weeks into his first official term at school, away from all the friends he had made while he was in pre-school, then school for three weeks, and away from all his family.

We never felt in a position to fight, and when we did try to discuss his behaviour, she'd slam the door in OH's face. Then as I say she moved the bloke that she's married into the house, and refused to talk to my OH about anything. She'd deny there was any problem, then say it was all our fault.

I know my OH has a share of the blame but when he's only seeing his son once every two weeks if that for about 5 hours, its pretty obvious where most of his unhappiness is coming from. I also wonder if a lot of it is neglect. We have brought new shoes for him before but with all of our outgoings plus CSA plus all the debts, its just not possible for us to spend out £40 on shoes on top of everything - shoes that will probably not get used out of spite.

We don't want full custody or even to see him more, as because of the travelling costs plus dss not being in his comfort zone after about 4 hours, its not possible for us to be able to see him more. OH is also having to work weekends quite a bit on top of his full time weekly job, just to get some of the debts cleared. All we want is for his mother to wise up and start fighting for him to get the help he needs, and all she wants is to push OH so much that he breaks down and walks away - or for us to split up.

oodles - literally the sunday when all this happened was the first time that I had been there for his contact visit in months, as I made it clear to OH at the beginning of the year that clearly dss wasn't comfortable with my being there. We can't have him longer in the holidays as OH works every single day, if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid - also the mother gets her mother to look after him throughout the holidays at the family home, so once again it would be the 100 mile round trip to contend with. In a perfect world OH would see him more and see him in the holidays, but with our finances being so dire its just not possible. It seems like every solution we try to come up with we're hit by the brick wall of literally having no money.

droves - you are right that it is ridiculous that she should behave like this when she herself is actually married to someone else, but that is just what she is like, and the new husband is a complete gorilla, as I say he tried to make OH hit him. It seems like they are doing everything they can to stop OH from seeing his ds, so that they can have the supposed moral high ground and tell everyone what a feckless father OH is. The reality is he has tried to do everything he can with his hands tied between his back and a door in his face. He doesn't handle stress very well and has been made extremely ill with his diabetes through this; at one point I thought he was going to have a nervous breakdown. Towards the end of the divorce battle we managed to get our case onto legal help as the amount of equity available came just under the threshold when the house prices dropped so much, so we were entitled to help but just with divorce issues, not family. Anyway our solicitor contacted hers regarding how this was all affecting OH's health, which they dressed up as threats to blackmail her into backing down, so round and round in circles we went again. We know that if we started any proceedings with trying to make her seek help for him, she wouldn't let us see him at all and all OH wants is those few precious hours a month, so at the moment its like he daren't rock the boat because then he'd lose his contact totally, and never know what is happening with him.

Oh and in answer to the 'how long after they split did we get together', it was six months, by which time she had already moved her now husband in, and OH and I didnt live together for a further year after that - her issue is most probably that OH and I had a short relationship in 2001, before they were together, so she didn't like that fact - despite the fact that the man she is now married to was also a previous boyfriend.

I shall have a look in the step parents forum too.

Thanks for your replies everyone, as you can tell there is no easy answer, I just needed to get all of this off of my chest, which I have done, and feel a lot better for it.

Dawn - I have been making a diary of everything that has occured, particularly as my job is within childcare so an accusation like me hitting him could ruin my career. I have hopefully managed to keep it a secret from his ex, as I haven't put anything about my job on my facebook page, and nobody from OH's family speaks to her so hopefully she hasn't discovered I work with children, otherwise she would have no hesitation in taking dss' accusation further, as it would ruin us financially even further if I lost my job. When we were first together she reported me to housing benefit for fraud because OH stayed at mine occassionally and I was a single mother of a young child having to rely on benefits. She then withdrew the accusations on the basis of my son's welfare, which we were then expected to be grateful for!

Blimey. This sounds like a nightmare. And playing 'let's fight about everything' isn't working for anyone. It's very hard to remain completely emotionally disengaged and avoid getting drawn into these battles.

It looks to me like you have a few other choices, none of them guaranteed to succeed.

1. withdraw from his life entirely
2. request mediation (see cafcass website)
3. request family therapy (NHS via CAMHS, or even Relate)
4. ask social services or the nspcc for advice & help
5. go back to court for medical, educational and access, or even full custody application

dh needs to contact the school and ask to discuss his son with the class teacher and senco. he needs to ask them if there are any flags at school, as he has concerns about his child and due to a breakdown in the realtionship is unable to discuss the potential difficulties with his xp, but does not want the child to fall through the cracks if he needs outside support. this should be the first move. you have aconcern and you need to know if this concern is shared with the school setting or not.

does dp attend parent's evenings at the school? by 6.5 he should have been hearing what school think two or three times a year for a couple of years at least? what has been said at parent's evenings? or has he not been attending for some reason? easy to be critcial from a distance - but just how involved is he in his child's life?

i would consider but check on the legal side and make sure you understand the consequences, whether to make an appointment with his gp during the middle of the school day, and collect him from school and drop him off there. obviously this will cause immense ructions when his mother finds out, but it depends how desperate you are to help the child, really. and it may mean that she puts in writing to the school that dp has no further access.

but i would suggest mediation of some sort would be preferable, in terms of maintaining some semblance of a relationship with his mother.

you do need to keep your personal feelings towards her out of this though. your thinly veiled loathing won't go down well with the authorities, who are likely to see it as a blardy good reason why the child doesn't (allegedly) want to spend toime at your house with his dad.

She sounds a nasty piece of work delightful! Right, you have a diary, you do not know which school he attends, you can go to court. Go to CAB, get advise and represent yourselves. And shout me if necessary.
I'm around far too much now and then!

his dad doesn't even know what school he goes to?

i totally missed that.

agree with zzzzz. your priority is to build a relationship with the child's mother, and to take part in his life.

at the moment you are unable to criticise parenting, really, as you don't know enough to make any sort of meaningful judgement.

find out which school. and contact them. for all you know the child is being seen by a paediatrician monthly and is undergoing statutory assessment, and has been on the orthotics wait list for 6 months.

her 'thanks for your support' when you suggested she got him assessed could well have been exasperation that it's taken you so long to notice he has problems when she has been battling alone for years feeling abandoned.

not saying this is the case, however. but you really wouldn't know.

and as for crying all over him, the poor kid was probably totally freaked out. no wonder he feels uncomfortable about visiting!

you all need to start acting like adults and stop point scoring, and start doing practical things to build the relationship so that you can all support a child who appears to need some help.

agree with madwoman and zzzz.your DH is definitely entitled to information about his schooling try not to demonise the mother, as it's not as if you want to see DSS more than once a fortnight, so she and her family are going to have the vast majority of his care, so you are not going to get anywhere unless you can form some sort of rapport with her.