How can we help OH's son when his mother won't listen? Austism/ADHD

[JJsMumma]

Hi there, just really need someone to talk to who has any experience in this. We have had an ongoing problem for three years now whereby my OH's son, who is now 6.5yrs old, has terrible behaviour and emotional problems. When I met him for the first time, aged 3.5yrs, he told me to F off! Things have gone downhill from there culminating in him accusing me two weeks ago of hitting him, kicking him and knocking him to the floor. Obviously I didn't do anything of the kind! I have tried to distance myself and OH has seen him by himself mainly for the past 18 months, but we thought seeing as Christmas is coming we would attempt to spend some time all together, with these results.

He is very unresponsive, unaffectionate and reacts to the slightest thing going wrong - for example, if someone accidentally bumped into him, with violence, shouting and aggression. He will go and wind himself up inside the long door curtain and scream to go home.

There have been so many instances of bad behaviour and emotional OTT outbursts that it would fill the forum to list them all, however our main problem now is that after 3 years of trying to get OH's ex to accept that this is actually happening, and get him some help, she has apparently taken him to the doctors who have said 'counselling isn't the answer'. So what is? She sent us a message tonight to say that he doesn't want to see OH on Sunday (they live a 100 mile round-trip away) and that I have apparently said he is not welcome in our house, and we don't want to see him any more.

For the last 3 years as I say she has totally denied there is any kind of a problem with him, and refused to get him the help he so desperately needs. She also refuses/fails to contact us regarding his medical appointments, she won't tell us where he goes to school or who his doctor is, then, when tonight we replied that we suspect he needs assessing for ADHD/Autism, she replied 'thanks for your support!!' - its not our fault if once again she won't accept things for what they are. He also has a real problem with flat feet, collapsing ankles, hearing, and growth - he is 6.5yrs but is the same height and weight as a small 4 year old. He has size 11 feet and wears age 4 clothes.

I have cried a lot over what to my mind is frankly abuse. In the past she has slammed the door in OH's face when he has tried to urge her to seek help for the child. She got so nasty during the divorce battle that she threatened to report OH to the HRMC for tax evasion if we cross her in any way (he's self-employed so he's a sitting duck for that sort of accusation - we have a chartered accountant and the books are watertight but the stress of any investigation would make our lives hell). Despite all this, we then get sarcastic texts saying 'thanks for your support!!'.

I really need help with advice to what to do to get help for the little boy as he is so messed up - the thing is it is hidden so deep that he can act 'normal' for want of a better word, until he is provoked by the slightest thing, so a doctor wouldn't get to see that side of him, but a child psychologist would.

We just don't know where to turn. How can I as a parent myself just 'leave it' when a child desperately needs help? She seems to associate having a child with problems as something to be ashamed of, or as if she is a failure as a parent. To my mind, by letting her child carry on like this, that's just what she is - there's no shame in having a child with special needs but there's shame in doing nothing about it.

She seems to find it a lot easier to blame us for everything even though we barely see the child as he refuses to see his dad most of the time.

Any advice?

I have namechanged for this.

My DH's ex was a complete nightmare, manipulative, moneygrabbing (never worked a day after she got pg with DSS) just a foul, nasty person. In her later years with DSS at school she was drinking heavily. She hoarded magazines and newspapers everywhere, which provided lots of lovely bedding for the mice in the house. She wrecked the house (cost us around 10k to put it right) and neglected DSS who wouldn't have eaten if it wasn't for her EMA.

We were nowhere in this situation. Nowhere. We had mentally withdrawn from DSS because the relationship with the X was so difficult. DSS didn't tell us anything because she wanted to protect her mother, because that's what children do.

I am so ashamed that we didn't know, and I am so ashamed that we didn't act.

So OP, what are you going to do about this child? Vent on the internet, or take action? So what if she 'informs' HMRC - if your books are watertight then you have nothing to worry about. You are all so busy kicking metaphorical lumps out of each other that no-one is standing up for that child.

I speak harshly, because I don't want you to be sitting where I am in 10 years and know that you utterly, utterly failed to protect a child who was partially in your care.

Thanks for all your replies.

Madwomanintheattic - I couldnt agree with you more with all of your points. No my OH doesn't know where he goes to school - she refuses to tell him as yet more point scoring and game playing; this is what made me think there could be something going on at school that we aren't being told about. We have never seen a school report or been invited to attend parents evenings - our continual texts on the subject just get ignored.

She also refuses to give any medical information - the only way we hear whether he has been to the doctors is if he tells us; thankfully he is forward with information without us having to ask any leading questions, we don't want to stoop so low as to asking him which school he goes to, who his teacher is and what doctor he goes to, although we could easily have done so and may well end up having to do so. OH will question her but half the time we wonder if she is lying as usually with medical appointments as I say dss will mention things first - so when OH questioned her yet again of the state of his feet, she said oh yes he's been and there's nothing wrong, which raised alarm bells with us as for a start there clearly is something wrong, and the fact that dss hadn't mentioned it. The poor little soul goes 'out' so rarely that a trip to the doctors is actually quite exciting for him, and he will tell us of other appointments such as dentists for his fillings and the school checks they have and so on, but he's never mentioned his feet.

Anyway, the 'thanks for your support' comment was classsic game playing, as she knows full well that it was actually us who started the ball rolling with trying to get his behaviour dealt with three years ago, she denied it and denied it and it was only when he kicked her in front of a friend that the friend said go to the doctors even though we'd been saying it for a year by that time! She took him and he said he needs counselling, she had two sessions then moved him out of school, and into the next county. Then the fun really began!

Everything that you have said about point scoring and mud slinging and game playing, needing to grow up and consider the child first etc is everything that we have been saying to her for the last three years.

Contact was cancelled again this Sunday just gone so if it is cancelled again next time we actually have no idea when we will be seeing him, or when we will be giving him his xmas presents. We just got a simple text saying 'he doesn't want to see you surprise surprise' and our reply regarding that we feel he needs to be referred to someone via all the agencies possible, and that we were willing to help, was ignored. Where do you go when you are being stonewalled like that? We will text her again tonight - if we phone she cuts the call off, rejects it, it doesn't ring and ring as if she can't hear it or has missed the call somehow, she deliberately rejects it.

Also yes I know I can be judgemental but its not actually judging - they are on two full time salaries, her husband earns £30k+ a year, they get the usual child benefit plus over £200 child support - to put your child in a pair of £6 primark trainers when you have access to those kinds of funds is totally disgusting in my eyes, and factoring in orthopaedic issues too, its beyond the pale. We earn about £15k a year between us, yes we do have tax credits and child benefit, things are tight but I save up for my child's shoes and he has Clarks shoes for both home and school. There's just no excuse in my eyes when you are earning the kind of money they're on - its just yet more selfish game playing in my eyes.

We'll see what tonight brings, but I do have to be so careful with my OH as he gets so emotional -but at the same time won't do any of the legwork himself, and as I don't have any right to make the phone calls, I guess I won't get very far if it is me who makes them? We'll risk the being 'reported to HRMC' - maybe then she'll see we mean it as at the moment that threat, and withdrawing contact, is all that she has over us.

Thanks personalexperience - what a horrible story, thank you for sharing it with me. I understand how you must feel as I worry about it all so much too, particularly when dss has said that he hates his stepdad as he smacks him. We mentioned this straightaway, OH said he does not agree with smacking full stop and while yes the stepfather should make rules etc, and not be undermined, he shouldn't be smacking. Her reply? "I make the rules, its up to me, not you", bang, door slammed in the face.

Our only problem with going with these steps in getting him help is that she will withdraw contact totally and at the moment she is dressing it up as him choosing not to want to see us - surely as he is of the age where he can make his own personal choice, no court could draw up a contact agreement when the child himself is saying he doesn't want to see us? I have worked as a legal secretary for a family solicitor in the past, and I know there is an age whereby the childs wishes really do govern everything, and I think he's either at it or approaching it. I know over 8's definitely do, but I think its slightly younger as well. Am a bit out of the loop.

At the moment the small amount of contact is all we have to assess for ourselves just how he is getting on, if that is taken away, how will we know what is happening to him? He is quite open in saying that he is unhappy and he doesn't like his stepdad, and its not that he dislikes me, its just he genuinely doesn't know how to deal with relationships or 'normal' family life, which is just heartbreaking.

I shall speak to my OH when he rings on his lunchbreak, and hopefully agree that we will contact her tonight. If not I'll have to take the bull by the horns and do it all myself.

i think the school thing is frankly bizarre tbh. when he moved and started, did you not just have a perfectly normal conversation with him -hey, how's your new school? have you made any friends? what's the uniform like? what's your teacher called? is she nice? it isn't quizzing him - it's being interested in his day to day life. if there is a school website, it would be perfectly normal for him to show it off?

that said, i'm assuming if you have two boys of similar-ish ages, then there is a lot of emphasis on fun too? does he have swimming trunks at yours so that you can all go and have fun? do the boys like each other and play together? have you asked your son what school x goes to? it might have come up in conversation?

it's about relationship building. and you have to do it in a non-inflammatory way (texting about medical issues, really?) if the only time you chat to her about dss is when you are accusing her of neglect, or poor parenting (in however veiled a manner) then it's not surprising that she finds the whole custody thing tricky.

who has him for christmas? i suggest you sit down and work out your access over the christmas period and use the time of goodwill to try and mend bridges.

i know it's not all one-sided, but you have to realise that your 'careful because she might remove contact' might come across as 'dear god, they don't care, don't want him, and are only using him to point score against me'.