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SN children

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Original poster

feel so awful, just had to phone police on adhd/poss autistic son

29 replies

sheepgomeep · 30/11/2011 19:45

I feel like the worst mother in the world..

Basically after many problems with 12 year old ds this week and him being very volatile, tonight after being asked repeatedly and nicely and firmly to come in at half five for his dinner from his friends house (who live behind my house 20 yards away) he almost kicks my front door of its hinges, screams in my face, tells me to fuck off and he's not coming in because I'm a bitch (he could not grasp that he was allowed to go back out to his friends at all, he just couldnt get it although it was explained to him 3 times earlier) He shoves me over in front of the youngerones and tries hitting me.

police came out and to be fair were bloody brilliant. One of the officers son is autistic and was very sympathetic to everything thats happening. He said adhd/autism or not he cannot react like that and told ds so. Ds dad was furious with me and told me that I was out of order by phoning the police but he is the one who overrides me when I'm trying to set bounderies and consequences and actually the police did say to the ex thats was not on at all (ex turned up just after police arrived)

now I will have been referred to social services and i just so worried. What can I do about a son that just doesnt understand what I'm saying to him, who doesnt understand boundaries, consequences, or social situations at all. Why is he so good at his friends house (they do play on the ex box a lot and hes very polite I'm told thats maybe the one thing I got right, its been drummed in to say please and thanks you from very early on.

I'm such a failure, and i feel so shit. poor ds has gone to his dads when he should be here

OP posts:

HarrietJones · 30/11/2011 20:09

You're not a failure. You've protected your other children from violence ( this will be seen well by social services btw).

Your ex has also been corrected by the police ( if he's like mine he won't listen but at least they agreed with you).

I can't offer anything useful but just felt for you
((furtive in mnetty hugs)))

Ineedalife · 30/11/2011 20:13

Sorry you are having such a bad time.

I am glad the Police helped you tonight, you did the right thing. You have to think of everyone in the family.

Try to be kind to yourself and I hope SS will be constructive and offer you some help.

Take care.

coff33pot · 30/11/2011 20:15

You are not a failure by any means. Your ds bless him has adhd/autism so he is not the typical I am in a strop lad. It is bound to be twice as hard for you to manage this. You have shown your DS that his behaviour was unacceptable and the end result was the police telling him so. It wont do him any harm at all so dont feel shit about it :)

Ignore your ex as he has no right to pass judgement seeing as he wasnt there to see ds actions and he wasnt protecting your other children like you are trying to do. You felt vulnerable and so you called the police, you did the right thing x

Dont go worrying about him. He has gone to his dads and you need the break at least for tonight. Get some rest, have a nice hot bath and give the little ones a hug xx

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 30/11/2011 20:45

I don't think you could have done anything else. I really hope things improve for you. Hopefully your DS will understand that there will be consequences if he behaves like that. ((((hugs))))

Original poster

sheepgomeep · 30/11/2011 22:24

thank you all for your lovely words [sob] Ds started crying when the police came and started saying that he's stupid, thats he doesn't want to be diagnosed with autism, that his life is over, and his dad just stood there with a sneer on his face as if to say told you so to me.

ds was visibly shaken by the police coming round, they absolutely told him that what he was doing was wrong and he is now old enough to be arrested and thats what will happen if they get called out again. He said sorry at a bit of prompting by the pc (which was a first as he has not said sorry for months)

Ive text ex to ask how he is, he's refusing to tell me, in fact he's planning on going for full custody now as 'I clearly can't cope'. He's disgusted with me and says that i dont know how to deal with autistic kids. He does as he works with autistic children, well one or two, he takes them out as a volunteer as part of his uni course.

My poor other children, dd2 aged 4 is very upset at school as ds is no horrible to her and dd1 who has the same dad feels she is being pushed to one side by her dad. Its so awful here, I just feel like running away.

Ive got a TAC meeting on fri and I feel very anxious, ex will be there and I will be lectured and ganged up on by people who really dont have a clue, its the same every TAC meeting.

I'm going to go in the bath, Ive read to dd2 and talked a lot to dd1 tonight. dd3 is oblivious and is fast asleep in bed

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Minx179 · 30/11/2011 22:46

You're definitely not a bad mother, and you're also not alone in your battle to teach your child right from wrong and appropriate behaviour.

The police have to refer you to social services as your child is a minor, also due to the circumstances. This happened to us, social services didn't contact us to find out any details etc just sent a letter stating the incident had been noted and required no further action.

You say that he has been difficult this week; if this behaviour is out of the ordinary has something happened elsewhere in his life that may have sparked the incident? For example DS isn't very good at expressing himself, or telling us what is wrong (bullying, problems in school, being told no etc), he gets himself worked up and can explode in a similar fashion.

Take care, hopefully things will have improved by the morning.

coff33pot · 30/11/2011 22:46

Take someone else with you to the TAC meeting. Someone who will give you moral support by just being there.

If your DH is so experienced in autistic children then he should know that consistency is the key and both parents need to follow the same pattern of boundaries etc etc.

Bless him he did have a shock didnt he. But it still wouldnt do him harm. He has had a chance to let some emotions out that have been bottling up. Perhaps you can use it, not in a nasty way but in a remembering way when you feel he is mounting up to getting angry by gently stating the obvious as in "look we had an awful time last time. I love you, let me help you calm down" or something along those lines that is giving him a chance to check himself perhaps.

Your ex sounds a wally and a unsupportive one. He shouldnt be going on about custody he should be helping his son. Social Services wont look badly on you for protecting your children and for trying to show your son just how far he had gone. Remember there are two sides to a coin and they will listen to both of you. xxx

Minx179 · 30/11/2011 22:49

Cross posted. Your ex is an arse.

Do you have somebody to go with you to your TAC meeting?

droves · 30/11/2011 23:03

Your ex is an arse .

Autistic kids can be difficult , as can ADHD kids ...both need firm routines that are consistent. Your ex would know this if he's such an expert on asd kids .
Part of the problem is that he does not back you , and does not have the same routine .

Your ds is almost a teenager ..hormones will start to affect him and it might be more of an ordeal than expected . Aggression will happen , you did exactly the right thing by phoning the police. Now he knows there is police telling him to behave , it might just be the thing he needs to make him behave.

I hope the social work helps you get the support you need .
Hopefully this will be the last incident of this type with ds .

Original poster

sheepgomeep · 30/11/2011 23:10

Well ex is coming with me, soo not looking forward to it. But my lovely homestart volunteer is coming with me, hopefully. I really do hate these TAC meetings, I'm not too good at expressing myself anyway to them and crap at putting my point accross, they talk over me a lot and I come away feeling shit.

re triggers, ds did say to the police that he was worried sick about the assessment, he does not want to be autistic, it scares him silly (I dont know why) He has this thing that Im treating him like a special needs kid because I'm asking him to come in for his tea. eh??? I'm totally flumoxed at his logic. I'm treating him the same as what I did last week, two months, a year ago. He has to eat simple as that.

He's always on report in school and that is bothering him.

A simple request is met by an aggressive stare, swearing and physical violence. His dad never sees the actual meltdown only the tears and the 'mums a bitch cow' rant afterwards.. Oh and ds twist things so much. His logic is skewed and its scary it really is.

Ds likes to be in control and people do not believe me.

OP posts:

Original poster

sheepgomeep · 30/11/2011 23:14

thanks droves... is it normal for autistic kids to be so resistant to the establishment of routines, he doesnt get the concept of a routine or how it can benefit him.

eg if he is asked to come straight home after school he wont, or text me he won't, he will turn his phone off and deliberately disappear for an hour or two and then rant and rave when I question where he is.

I don't know, I really don't.

OP posts:

coff33pot · 30/11/2011 23:32

DS likes routine and needs it in the sense of time for dinner, for wash, time for bed and a gradual count down reminder for each one. He needs routine in the sense of no change at school to his timetable, and god help us if the TA is off sick.

What he doesnt like is being TOLD to do things as he is then out of control of a situation. Maybe that is your ds issue? Try wording requests differently ie "going out to your mates? great have a good time. Before you go have you thought what you want for tea? good choice, tell you what if I put it on at about 5 ish or would you like me to time it when your mate has his tea, then you will get it early enough to go back to your mates for a bit longer" or something like that in that he is making a choice and is in control of his choice rather than being told iyswim.

droves · 30/11/2011 23:55

Well my dd hates getting a new routine , but once it's established she will through a meltdown if it deviates .

I think some of what's going on with your ds is due to his age , as well as the asd/ADHD.

I can see it's hard for you and I hope it improves and he calms down soon xxx

coff33pot · 01/12/2011 18:47

How are you feeling today sheep? Hope its been a better day for you :)

ouryve · 01/12/2011 19:16

You're not a failure. You did what you needed to do. You wouldn't put up with such dangerous behaviour from any other member of your family and nor should you from a child - specially an almost fully grown child. You were trying to set reasonable boundaries, he reacted in an unreasonable manner. DS1 does the same, but thankfully he is only just 8 and I still have a foot and 6 stone on him. If he doesn't calm down in the next 4 years, I can envisage situations when we'd have to call the police on him, too :(

justaboutstillhere · 01/12/2011 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sneezecakesmum · 01/12/2011 20:45

Social services will hopefully offer you help in a difficult situation. They did me when I called them and asked for ADHD DS to be taken away! They were supportive, expecially as DSs dad was/is not the most patient person in the world (wonder where DS gets his volatility??)

Maybe your ex can have your DS staying with him more often to give you a break and the other DCs time with you? At least he is involved and maybe he is capable of valuable input, what does DS say about more dad time?

Original poster

sheepgomeep · 01/12/2011 22:00

Hi thanks again for all your messages. Ive only seen ds briefly today when his dad came to pick dd1 up and he was subdued and barely spoke to me but was ok with his dad. ex told me that ds wet the bed last night and that has never ever happened before and that has devastated me. What have I done to him? ex was still angry that I'd rung the police and said that you just do not do that with autistic/adhd children and he is going to keep him away from me and his sisters for 'as long as it takes' whatever that means.

I barely slept at all last night and feel like giving up. I phoned the school and asked to speak to the senco, was told they would ring me back later that day, surprise surprise I'm still waiting.

Tac meeting... I know my co ordinator is supposed to be there but TAC insisted that the meeting was held tomorrow in their headquarters as it made it easier for them My coordinator is off on a fri and it also means the teachers have to leave the school site and drive into town to the building where its being held. No one was really happy with this arrangement but TAC woman is quite forceful so she had it her way.

Ds is supposed to be there for part of the meeting but again it means he has to leave the school with one of the teachers to attend the meeting and its taking him out the school routine and disrupting him further.

big big sigh, its not going to get any easier it

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 01/12/2011 22:18

Oh sheep

The optimist in me says that it will get easier, because now, finally your family will get the support it needs (...but that will probably be a long process).

In the meantime, stop doing yourself down, woman!

Bloody Hell! You're doing amazingly, caring for everyone, supporting your other children, doing your best for ds under impossibly difficult circumstances.

Please don't allow yourself to be intimidated or feel it's your fault.
Please get r/l support. Parents' groups can be a lifeline.

coff33pot · 01/12/2011 22:34

(((hugs))) :(

and tallwivglasses is right stop doing yourself down. You are a great mum, what you did was right and if I was in your shoes and if I am in the future as ds is only 6 I would do exactly the same thing xx

If DS is staying with his dad for a little bit then maybe his dad might just have an eye opener as to how his behaviour actually is hmmm? You have said he hasnt seen his behaviour to you so maybe after a few days he just maybe change his whole opinion on the matter.

Please be kind to yourself and post here when you need virtual support we will all be here for you x

tallwivglasses · 01/12/2011 22:43

Yup x

Original poster

sheepgomeep · 01/12/2011 23:39

ds is quite amenable to staying with his dad but then again lots of one to one, no distractions. Theres no live in gf at the moment ( ones just left, couldnt cope, ds was vile to her amongst other reasons)

You are both right, still feel guilty though ducks

sneezecakes.. what sort of help did you get from ss. Its been suggested by the police last night that a support worker might be in order but i don't know.

ok, I am going to bed, will let you know whats said at TAC tomorrow.

you all back

OP posts:

Original poster

sheepgomeep · 01/12/2011 23:40

that wasnt meant to be a link! But on the plus side I know how to do linkys now!

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coff33pot · 01/12/2011 23:45

LOL

Yes get a good rest and good luck for tomorrow. We will be thinking of you :)

WilsonFrickett · 02/12/2011 00:12

Tbh, your ex sounds like a knobber who is happy to use this situation against you. The whole 'you don't call the police on kids with autism' is lentil-weaving nonsense. You do what you have to do in the situation that you're in.

For DS - so thinking ahead to a 12 yo. My 6 yo loves his visual timetable, so would texts work? As in, you could text 15 minutes before he needed to come home, then 5, then go and get him? (I'm assuming he has a phone or you could call up the friends house)

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