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Original poster

Juggling siblings needs

51 replies

getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 23:34

Interested in this one.

DS2 is now 4, ds3 1 (so not too worried about him- he's still too young to notice).

DS2's life is beginning to be a bit limited by ds1. As ds1 has got older it has become harder and harder to take him out, to the point where unless he has 1 on 1 and complete free rein we really can't very easily. Obviously this limits ds2 as well. He goes to nursery 4 mornings and 1 full day. I take him and ds3 to a swimming lesson once a week (but no other kids in the class). DS1 also goes to respite on occasional Sundays and we then try to do something with ds2 and ds3- eg pub lunch.

He does have to spend a lot of time in and we can hardly meet up with other families for a lovely day out. Aged 4 (next week) he has never been to the cinema or theatre, hardly ever been to soft play, never been to fetes or fairs or theme parks, never sat on a beach with a bucket and spade. He is sociable and friendly and loves nursery. He hasn;t been invited to many parties, but I think that's because a) I don't know the other mums and b) I hold his party in nursery so we don't get reciprocal invites. He's loved the ones he's gone to.

I'm in a bit of a dilemma- ds1 needs time with us as well. Should I be enrolling ds2 for more things (stagecoach, karate, football???) or should I be letting him chill a bit and encourage shcool friendships and extra curricular school stuff when he starts in September.

He seems happy- but I worry that he has missed out on a lot, and I don't want that to become a problem.

OP posts:
Aloha · 05/01/2006 23:45

Oh, I don't know what to say. I think many of the things you are worrying about aren't that important though as his age. eg cinema and theatre and theme parks and fetes etc etc. Though in future he might want to do those things and maybe your mother could take him and ds3 or have ds1 while you take them together. I'm sure once he is at school he will make friends and once people become aware of your situation you may even get offers to take ds2 with them on trips etc. I think you may even have to bite the bullet and woo other mums at the school gate - something I am utterly crap at tbh but know I have to do otherwise I think ds may be quite isolated.

Original poster
getbakainyourjimjams · 05/01/2006 23:47

I won't be at the school gate though- I'll be at home putting ds1 on the school bus Poor ds2- he's really lovely- but as isolated as the rest of us.

OP posts:
Aloha · 05/01/2006 23:49

Oh bugger. How will ds2 get to school? What time does the school bus arrive? Could dh do it once a week?

soapbox · 05/01/2006 23:55

Ah, I;ve found you here - was getting worried about thread hijack on the other one

Would you and DH be able to split up a bit more at the weekend and take the boys out in different groups?

I probably wouldn't sweat it for now - I don't think boys tend to make particular friendships until they are 6 or 7, perhaps older. Until then they just seem to hang around together playing football!

Maybe once he hits 6 you might get him involved in some activities so he has a chance to make friends outside school.

He will probably be in a position of some responsibility wrt DS1 as he gets older and I think it will be important for him to have some real mates to help shoulder him up when things get tough - sorry

Would DH be able to reduce his hours at work at all, or is money part of this whole equation too?

Original poster
getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 00:00

No chance of dh reducing hours. Money is very tight at the moment, but will hopefully improve soon. He'll take ds2 to school for pre-school club - ds1's bus comes too late for him to d that (he';s just changed jobs with a commute).

We already split up at the weekend. DS1 can't stay in - just starts screaming. So dh tends to take him out for a walk at least once, sometimes twice each day. I usually stay in with ds2 and ds3. Sometimes we swap.

OP posts:
soapbox · 06/01/2006 00:01

Any chance of more respite for DS1 - or are you not keen on that idea?

Do you only get paid help for DS1 during the holidays?

Original poster
getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 00:02

ds1's bus comes between 8.30 and 8.50 and he's dropped home between 3.30 and 3.50. I'll collect ds2 from school after the bus has dropped ds1. In reality I suspect my mum will collect him a lot after finishing work. Poor little mite will be exhausted.

OP posts:
Original poster
getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 00:04

I have plenty of money available for help (from SS- my only bank account with any cash in), but it's very hard to find anyone suitable. Goosey (from mnet) has him and is a star- he is going there on Sunday- he loves it there, but she's the only person I'm aware of offering this service and so is very booked up. I do know of other suitable people but they can't do the work because of tax problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 00:05

The other suitable people wouldn't be for us to leave ds1- they would be for them to come and be an extra pair of hands.

Also as ds1 is in school full time and is worked hard I think he needs time with us as well. That's the hard bit- I think they both need us equally atm (and ds3 as well of course!)

OP posts:
flashingnose · 06/01/2006 00:06

This will get easier to accommodate as ds2 gets older - forget pre-schooler type activities and wait until ds2 is at school, then concentrate on evening and weekend activities for him. Either he can be dropped and then collected or one of you can accompany him.

When he starts school, do him a Birthday party somewhere like a church hall where you can invite the whole class and do it on a day ds1 is in respite. You can then put faces to names and try and suss out some friendly/sympathetic parents to help with lift shares etc.

I really do feel for you .

Original poster
getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 00:06

TBH I'm happy with the amount of out of the home respite we get (in terms of what is suitable for ds1) I'm just not sure that it's enough for ds2 iyswim.

OP posts:
soapbox · 06/01/2006 00:07

DS2 does take a bit of the brunt of it doesn;t he? But you know it;s all he knows and he won't see that he is missing out at all!

I think what you are really missing out on is a really good friend who is a mum to NT children who might take DS2 under her wing so to speak. But you're in a god awful vicious circle, of not getting time to meet other mum's and so you never get the chance to build the relationship with them in the first place!

I really do wonder whether more respite would be better for all of you, if it were possible. I know you;ve said in the past that isn;t what you want for DS1, but as you've said DS2 and 3 will soon put demands on you too! I'm worried that you'll just eventually buckle under the strain of it all - and then what!

flashingnose · 06/01/2006 00:07

Blimey you all type fast .

soapbox · 06/01/2006 00:08

Sorry - crossed posts

flashingnose · 06/01/2006 00:09

Don't forget also that second and subsequents in totally NT families tend to do a heck of a lot less than number one, certainly while they're pre-schoolers.

Original poster
getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 00:09

Nah I won't buckle. I do have one friend (my oldest friend) with 4 NT children (very old friend). Ds2 gets on very well with her youngest 2 (twins) but she is very busy herself (retraining full time) so we have difficulty finding time to meet up. She's certainly not in position to lend a hand- needs one herself!

OP posts:
soapbox · 06/01/2006 00:10

How is your Mum with him? Would she be able to look after him occaisionally to let you take DS2 to the cinema or soft play or whatever?

soapbox · 06/01/2006 00:11

AH! friend sounds good

Couldn't you have picked one with only 1 child though

Original poster
getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 00:11

ds2 doesn't know he misses out at all, and is a very happy child. I don't write much about him, but really he's lovely (ds3 on the other hand.... nightmare ) Cracks me up when he talks about autism...on seeing a white special school bus "Mummy, is that a bus for autistic children?"

OP posts:
Original poster
getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 00:14

My mum's great- comes in every day after work to help out. She's one of the few people who we can completely trust as being safe with ds1. She has ds2 overnight (and would like to have ds1 - but her house isn't safe). BUT she works full time (often weekends) and my parents quite often like to do things at the weekend when she's not working. I do ask her for help for special occasions, but I don't like to take the p*.

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Original poster
getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 00:14

Without my Mum we would have sunk to be honest.

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soapbox · 06/01/2006 00:16

Oh bless him

I think we all struggle to get the balance right sometimes - for me it;s the endless struggle between work and children and DH and me!

But I've chosen this and equally could choose to change it, if it was overwhelming me.

In your shoes, it would be the lack of choice and lack of control and seeing anyway out of it all that would be difficult and stressful!

Original poster
getbakainyourjimjams · 06/01/2006 00:17

That should read most days. Thinking about it - that's probably one reason why I'm feeling it a bit atm- my Mum hasn't been able to come in as much recently (my grandmother is seriously ill), I suspect we're all missing her!

OP posts:
flashingnose · 06/01/2006 00:18

Take care jimjams, I hope you get some useful answers x

soapbox · 06/01/2006 00:18

Would she stay at yours with him overnight, if you took DS2 and 3 away somewhere. Cinema, cheap travel lodge, soft play next morning, home for sunday lunch?