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Original poster

Really seem to be feeling it at the moment

29 replies

Thomcat · 04/01/2006 21:51

Could be down to many things, new baby and lack of sleep the main things.

Just really feeling Lottie's special needs.
Her lack of communication, her dependence on me, everything, just seems to be so obvious right now.

My dad said today when he saw me a bit... blue for the first time in a long time, he said something about not having had the tests with her and things being different if I had, can't remeber exactly how it was worded but , perhaps it's more a matter of me blanking out what he siad. He adores Lottie, massivley, but he can see me with my shoulders dropped, I'm not myself and he's being my dad, worrying about me etc, but.....

She's just so much harder work right now, she's had a massive change in her life, end of school for Xmas, Xmas itself, a birthday, a cold, late nights, and mainly a new baby. She's clingy, bored, etc etc.

But the language thing is getting to me the last few dyas, her clinging, her whining, her getting frustrated, ...... It's just so emotionally draining.

I'm begining to see how hard it is, and will continue to be.

i know I still have it so much easier than some and I love her to pieces and when it's good, it's really, really good, just that when it's bad, it's horrid.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 04/01/2006 21:53

Oh my sweet - is there anything I can do? I'm free tomorrow if you need a hug?

motherinferior · 04/01/2006 21:56

Oh honey.

Please don't forget that everything, everything is skew-whiff when you have a baby. When I had my second, I was genuinely shocked to realised that everything was just turned over completely - I'd expected it with my first but somehow I'd deluded myself into believing it wouldn't happen the second time. And you're exhausted, and the new baby demands so very much, and you just have to work out how to balance everything and of course you can't...

School will start again and that will help; DD2 is being hellish at the moment, screaming and tantrumming, and I'm quite convinced that resuming normal routine next week will help (it has to!).

But most of all I really do sympathise, because nothing I can say will take way Lottie's DS and some of the implications of that. xxxxx

Original poster
Thomcat · 04/01/2006 21:58

See - you two just mad me sob!
What's wrong with me?
I hate this.
i love my girls, life is great, but the SN thing is just biting at my ankles.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 04/01/2006 22:01

You're sleep-deprived and coping with all the newborn hormone feelings and weepiness, plus Lottie's DS - if you were 100% delighted with the world, I'd be more worried about you - as it is, I just want to bring you cake and give you a hug. If that's something that will help yuo, and providing I don't go into labour tonight, just say the word and I'm there. OK? x x x x

motherinferior · 04/01/2006 22:01

I think it may well be that you are thinking also about your new daughter's different path in life. Lottie may do all sorts of things - live independently, work, have relationships, all those things that people with DS are doing today - but inevitably it will be a different path from your new one's. Maybe there is an element of trying to balance your love and hopes and fears for them both?

Original poster
Thomcat · 04/01/2006 22:03

The film What Women Wnat made me cry tonight, when Mel Gibson helps his DD pick out her prom dress. D knew what I was thinking and gave me a hug and siad 'stop, don't go ther, don't do it' and I didn't say a word.

The relief in having a child with apparently no Sn's is just so great. And I don't want to feel that way. I don't care that Lottie had DS...... or do I....
I should try and get soem sleep, that I do know.

OP posts:
SleepyJess · 04/01/2006 22:03

TC (((((((hugs)))) (always nervous of giving cyber hugs now as so many don't 'do' them).

I too know how you are feeling.. sometimes the whole weight of the responsibility of SN seems to land on you doesn't it.. in one heavy lump of realisation.. and it feels impossible to be positive for a while. But 'this too shall pass' as they say.. I know it's a cliche.. but I know it's true as well...

And new babies, gorgeous as they are, make everything more complicated.. you are still getting used to having two children.. be nice to yourself.. and allow yourself to feel a bit blue.. and then prepare yourself to feel better tomorrow..

Lots and lots of love

SJ x

Original poster
Thomcat · 04/01/2006 22:05

Yes, yes, yes, to everything both of you said!
Oh Hunker, I'd love that but I'm going to a baby cafe with my old yoga class and lottie is going to nanas for a couple of hours. Think that'll be really good for us both. Thank you though and would deffo take you up on that if it wasn't for my plans

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Original poster
Thomcat · 04/01/2006 22:07

Thanks Sj, I'm all good with any knda hug
knew that letting off on here would help.

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Aloha · 04/01/2006 22:08

Oh, sweetheart, please don't underestimate the sheer impact a new baby has on ANYONE. You are tired (I don't suppose your new darling doesn't sleep quite as beautifully as Lottie did)and first children invariably play up a bit when a rival (no matter how much loved) turns up. Ds really did test me for a while. he even started running away from me on purpose, which for him was utterly amazing! Believe me, he doesn't run. But then, suddenly, he calmed down.
Of course, nobody can take away Lottie's Downs, and yes, there will be issues that come that, but also, most of has had a period after the baby is born when you just feel terrible. Hormones, tiredness, the firstborn's behaviuor all contribute. Also, you are investing a lot of emotion in your new baby, and sometimes you simply won't have quite as much energy and patience and you will feel torn in two by the different needs of your children. But just you wait until you see Lottie making her baby sister laugh! That's amazing and beautiful.

motherinferior · 04/01/2006 22:08

Thomcat, I may be out of order here; but I think that maybe you need to acknowledge some of those feelings you don't want to own - so that you can say OK they're there, now you're moving on. And maybe it's OK to feel that it is a relief. You love your daughter with DS. You didn't want another. That's fine. That's OK.

hunkermunker · 04/01/2006 22:09

That's fine, sweet - just say the word though and I'm there (unless I'm in labour, but I figure that's a good excuse, right?)

Have a fab time tomorrow - and hey, don't stress about her name - she'll have one sooner or later and it will be exactly right for her.

Aloha · 04/01/2006 22:11

God, I'm so, so happy that dd doesn't have the kind of issues that ds has. So pleased that she is really energetic, coordinated and brilliantly social. Doesn't mean I love ds any less.

Original poster
Thomcat · 04/01/2006 22:12

Thanks, and everything you've all said is spot on.
Can't chat anymore though as too emotional and you're all making me cry to much! LOL!
Need to do some expressing so D can do a feed, so night, and thanks, a lot, TC x

OP posts:
LizLocket · 04/01/2006 22:45

I'm certainly finding as my son (ASD also four) gets older and his SNs get more apparent I find it harder. When they are younger the gap just isn't so obvious. Then again I remind myself that I'm not along, that my friends still have problems with their NT kids, it's just that our difficulties are different to theirs.

It's hard having a new baby, so much adjusting for everyone. Sleep deprivation and hormones really don't help. I wouldn't change DS1 at all, he is who he is because of what he is but I am really hoping that DS2 is NT! Seeing him do things that DS1 struggled with has given me great joy but it doesn't take away any of DS1s achievements or make me feel any different about him. I have felt guilty in the past for wanting DS2 to be NT as it felt like I was denying my much loved DS1 but wanting a 'normal' child does not changed how much I love or value my eldest boy. It is complicated emotions though

Hope you get some rest tonight

Lx

Socci · 05/01/2006 01:07

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eidsvold · 05/01/2006 05:00

TC - you can feel like that at times - like you dd1 was not even remotely walking when dd2 was born. Like you - we had the language issue - improved out of sight - especially funny seeing dd1 trying to teach dd2 how to do signs.

Of course you will feel it - you have gone from one needing you to two needing you - I know dd1 obviously felt the change when she bit me as I was feeing dd2. Poor thing - she could not say hey mum I need some attention - that crying babe is taking all your time up... so she did the next best thing.....

I spent a lot of time thinking I was a crap mum, my two were missing out, I was not meeting either's needs etc.

Worried about dd2 spending so much time in the buggy as we toddled along with dd1 to therapy, playgroup, swimming etc....

As dd2 has gotten older and less demanding it has gotten better.... but you are right - there are still horrid days....

For us - it really was a shock to the system to have an NT babe - one that cried for food, that woke during the night, that had amazing lungs to cry - unlike dd1 who slept through, deamnded nothing and did not cry as she had no energy.... I am sure I was a zombie for weeks......

I just wanted to say - yeh there are tough times ahead - but there are still amazing times. Lottie will walk, her communication skills will improve, dd2 will help her with that more than you can imagine.

Remember too - hormones..... lack of sleep ,demands.... all take their toll.

I am sure I am raving so forgive me if I am.....

Original poster
Thomcat · 05/01/2006 20:57

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Socci · 05/01/2006 21:00

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wads · 05/01/2006 21:27

eisvold I totally know what you mean about dragging 2nd child to DS's various therapies - still have regular guilt trips about it. Thomcat I know I felt so awful when DD was born because DS had had 100% attention & I still felt ( & still do feel sometimes) like he still needed 100% & was only getting less than 50% & crap at that because I was so tired/hormonal. Those 1st few months are hell but it does get better & the absolute best therapy that DS has had these past 20 months has been DD. I'm sure you'll find your new baby turns out to be fantastic "therapy" for Lottie too

Original poster
Thomcat · 06/01/2006 21:45

Feel much better today. I was out meeting up with old active birth class yesterday and that was great, a good laugh and the new pickle was so good and the only baby that didn't cry, I was so proud. Got out the house by 8am so was chuffed, got to my hospital appt for Lottie, spent the rest of the day with my wonderful mum and did some retail therapy with my girls and ma. Feel chilled & relaxed as do my girls and I'm looking forward to this weekend as well. I'm out for the day on Monday and then Tuesday Lots goes back to scholl and I know I'll miss her loads when it comes to it but it'll be nice to have her routine back in place.

OP posts:
Milge · 06/01/2006 22:00

TC, the impact of having two children, and beginning the compare and contrast, what pickle can/will be able to do, compared to Lottie, is heartbreaking. It is sort of joy at Lotties strenghts tinged with regret. I found it really tough seeing my friends kids born one or two years after dd, walk and talk before my dd. Its also ok to love pickle as much as Lottie - it does not mean you are a bad mum to Lottie. She is and will remain your firstborn, and nothing can take your love from her. Glad you had a better day today.

Christie · 06/01/2006 23:19

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Thomcat · 07/01/2006 12:57

Sharing on mumsnet sure does help, thank you for your posts.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/01/2006 13:07

TC
Big (((HUGS))) from the December board!