We got dd's diagnosis in a rather twisted way. Even though dd was getting behind with her milestones at about eight months adjusted, her hospital consultant and comm paed still found her muscle tone to be normal until she was just under one year old adjusted. At this point, her consultant found she had high muscle tone, mainly in her legs but also her arms to some extent. We were under the impression that a bit of physio will sort it out. The first physio appointment followed shortly after and within ten minutes or so, the therapist (who has been absolutely wonderful and me and dd adore her) told me that she has spastic diplegia.
Back home, I googled spastic diplegia and high muscle tone and was struck by the fact that all the hits that came up had something to do with cerebral palsy. it annoyed me a bit, because of course my dd didn't have something as heartbreakingly awful as cp (because none of the medical people we were involved with had mentioned this), so why couldn't I find a reference to spastic diplegia and high muscle tone that was relevant for us?
The next physio session revealed all. To start with, I asked roughly how much physio dd might need until she has caught up with her peers, and the rug was pulled from under my feet when she gently explained that dd will never "recover" from this and will have issues for ever, at least to some degree. I then asked about spastic diplegia and the fact it always shows up in connection with cp when googling it, and I finally got a detailed account of what probably happened to have caused all this, how it has affected dd and what it might mean for her future.
For several weeks after that, all I could ever think when looking at my gorgeous, cute-as-a-button little angel, was: Your brain is broken. You are so perfect on the outside, and so adorable and lovely from within, and your brain is broken.
I'm getting all tearful remembering what that felt like. It was hideous, and I felt like such an awful mother not being able to see past this ...imperfection.
But after a while and constantly reminding myself of the fact that she was still exactly the same little person she was before the dx and the one I was so in love with from the word go, I started to see her again for who she was, rather than just for a very very much loved, but broken child. And we started to come to terms with things.
Thereonthestair I know what you mean about not seeing that anything will happen anytime soon. But you never know. Things happened very suddenly and quickly with dd at one stage. We went on holiday when she was 1yr10 months. When we first got there, she could stand while holding on to something. a couple of days in, she was letting go of the table while using both hands for playing. A few days later, she stood up unaided - on gravel out of all the possible surfaces she could choose from! - for the first time. About a week later, back home, she took her first steps! Mind you, it took her several months from that point before she started using the walking in a functional way, she kept holding our hand for a long time, apart from when she walked from one person to another and she only had a yard or two of ground to cover.
So, progress can always happen, even if it doesn't look like it's nearby.
Anyway, sorry for such an epic post. I feel good for writing it down though, I hope you don't mind. x