I don't love my ASD/ADHD son

[ripitupandstartagain]

That's it really. haven't bothered to name change. Feel awful about it but don't seem to be able to make myself feel anything other than irritation towards him 90% of the time. I really feel that my life is crap with him in it and really really angry that he makes mine and my other son's life so much harder.

You might not love him, but can you recognise what he needs and meet those needs at a physical and practical level whilst staying detached?
Can you understand that he isn't intentionally making anyone's life harder, including his own?
How old is he and what help can you access?

are you sure? i love mine to bits but still feel irritated by him about 95% of the time. sometimes far more than irritated.

what aspects do you find hardest to deal with? sometimes it's easier to break it down a bit and see if there's anything that can be done to shift the 90% down a notch?

have you considered that you might need some counselling or anti-d's yourself if you are finding family extra tough at the mo? just to try and take the edge off whilst you re-group?

Thanks for your reply. He is 4 and gets one to one support in his reception class at school. During holidays i'm completely on my own though and I'm just fed up of it all being so hard - I work full time, am a single parent, he can't go to normal playscheme etc. My mum and a babysitter are looking sfter hime at half term but I a) can't afford it, and b) am terrified of being so dependent on my mum's help. She is 67. I really feel that I can't face it.

madwomanintheattic - I am pretty sure - I wish I could be more unconditionally loving but I just resent him. My mum has him a coupple of nights a week now so it is just about do-able, but I have had him a few days on the trot and I just get so angry and frustrated when I can't have a conversation with him because he is chunking bloody thomas the tank engine.

I would like to love him. Have considered anti depressants but I wouldn't say I am depressed in other areas of my life - have drive, motivation etc., so not sure if I should take them/whay I would take them. Wonder if they would work?

sometimes mencap offer saturday clubs - check for local provision. do yiu have a support worker? are you in receipt of dla? all might be able to provide access to more help/ respite. (maybe not, but sometimes you have to persevere)

is thee an sn playschem in your local area? we used to run one which provided 1-1 etc. my dd2 was statemented for 1-1 and also received 1-1 for after-school clubs etc, some local authroities do have access to funds which are not advertised.

how does he sleep? sometimes it's the sleep deprivation that makes it unbearable, so that's the first thing to try and fix?

have you had any counselling? if you aren't feeling completely low that might be abetter place to start? sometimes it takes a while to deal with the 'grief' aspects of not having an nt child. i wasn't ready for counselling for about 6 years! but sometimes it can help to get it off your chest - particularly something that you feel is taboo.

I don't get any benefits but am not in the UK so the things you mention are not the same - I am in the Channel Islands. I need to find out what is available here. I also need to investigate the playschemes. There is no SN playscheme, but surely that can't mean that anyone with a special needs child is doomed as far as working is concerned. My job is the thing that binds me to sanity, although it is also chaotic trying to manage it all. He sleeps OK ish, but wakes early and is noisy (talking loudly, wanting to tell me what train he would like next from the toyshop etc etc etc), wanting a bottle of milk, a poo - no concept of it being 5.30 in the morning and everyone wanting to be asleep.

Hmm, the counselling maybe is the way forward Madwoman and Imogen. I haven't been able to accept he isn't NT. I feel so bloody resistant to accepting it. I just want it all to go away! Makes me feel better am not alone though, thanks for your kindness.

'I haven't been able to accept he isn't NT.'

That's why I asked if you could just deal with his needs without anger or frustration. He may not need conversations, maternal feedback or interactions at the moment, and may not even recognise what you are doing.
I used to think of mine like an interesting and exotic animal I knew little about. The David Attenborough school of parenting.
I studied him, and worked out appropriate responses from my observations. Sometimes I was right and sometimes I wasn't.

xxx bless your heart,i hope this difficult time will pass for you soon,
please get some help for yourself.....
a few weeks ago i went as far as getting hyonotherapy for myself,as i was getting so stressed out over my son,i think it has helped me!
try anything....
you have come on here,so thats a good start,
try and do something fun with him,follow his lead....have a giggle with him,even if you dont feel like it,it will make you feel better and help you bond with your son,he will love that,you will see him smile,and that will help you smile,:)
give it a go,

xxxxxxxxxx

Picture when he was born.............thats what I do when my son is throwing things and growling at me, or reduced his sister to tears or turned my house upside down. I close my eyes and picture the first time I saw his face.

I love my son unconditionally............but I hate with a vengance that his body isnt letting him be the boy I know inside all of the time xx

Definately get some counselling of some sort. Even if its just to vent to someone and let your feelings go. Sometimes it helps talking to a stranger. Gives you a new focus when you get home instead of bottling it all up. :)

oh and have one of these...............A....BIG.....HUG....:)

We aren't encouraged to express these sort of feelings but I am sure lots of parents have them. I did and spent a number of years not wanting this life at all. Over the years, more practical help has really helped - plus leaving my stressful job - and I can say that I love DS now and I really enjoy the company of people with learning disabilities, but I wish I had felt more love for him when he was tiny, I really do.

It is a life we don't plan for isn't it. It can take time and the right amount of practical help, to evolve into a loving parent who meets and embraces the challenge. I would second the counselling idea plus getting in contact with other parents.

Oh you are having such a hard time I would definitely suggest counselling to help you explore your feelings.

I'll tell you something that I'm really ashamed of if it will help.

I didn't love my second (nt) son for many years. I had pnd untreated and it got in the way of our bonding I think, he was a c section birth, he didn't look like me. No real reason I know but they all contributed to how I felt.

I knew I didn't love him but I also knew that it was my problem so I kept tallies in my head. Each time I kissed and hugged my first ds I would make sure I kissed and hugged ds 2.Every time I noticed something positive about ds 1 I looked and found something positive about ds 2 etc. Keeping tallies and knowing I had to do it made it appear more natural to ds too.

This went on for years I'm really ashamed to say but then without noticing I would hug him spontaneously and the tallies stopped and I started to love him for who he is.

It improved from him being about eight and I can say by 11 I loved him equally to his siblings.

Now he is 23 and the others call him my golden boy. We have the closest and most loving relationship. We love each others company and spend a lot of time talking together.His mates and work colleagues say he's a proper mummy's boy and I am thrilled.

Ds knows we weren't close when he was younger he doesn't know I didn't love him and he doesn't complain that I treated him badly or even different from his siblings so I obviously did a good enough job for him not to feel unloved.

It's how you feel at the moment, it doesn't mean that it will always be this way and it doesn't mean ds has to know or suffer because of it. Try getting help but in the meantime start those tallies

((ripitup)) some non-mn hugs.

downbytheriverside "The David Attenborough school of parenting" made me smile.

I could probably have written your post three years ago when my ds was four, he is now an adorable boy (I really mean that 90% of the time).

Between the age of 2.3 and 5 yrs were the hardest - his communication was so bad, sleep awful, toilet issues drove me to despair. I was permanently close to tears, and felt so worried about the future for my ds, plus he was glued to me, if I sat down he sat on me and started playing with my hair, so I felt that I never got a break.

Things that helped:

DS going to nursery (part of the school he goes to now) and getting one to one there, from the age of 3, it was pretty heart breaking at times, the screaming tantrums and being pulled in to the class to be spoken to about his behaviour, all the meetings, but slowly he improved.

My family, loved him and did so much to try and help me, my Mum would give me breaks and sometimes I could get a weekend away with my dd, which was brilliant for everyone, ds had to communicate with others, it always made a huge difference just getting away.

Time, every holiday my ds seemed to have a developmental spurt, which meant going back to nursery/school was less stressful every time.

Positive school, that have been absolutely there for my ds and me, so that if I have a concern they act quickly and help - it is not a brilliant school in lots of ways but the support my ds has had has been excellent, I feel lucky that we have had such focused/appropriate support.

Thanks so much everyone for your support and honesty - I really appreciate it. Insanity and tapselteerieo do your boys have ASD?

What I find so hard is not connecting to him - I have such a lovely relationship with DS1 but I can't converse with DS2 and get any sense out of him - the chunking and his nonsensical replies make me feel desperate and angry. The ridgidity drives me mad too. Will he get better? How have things improved for your boys?

I could have written your post when ds1 (also asd and adhd) was four. He didn't seem to even recognise me as his mother, I was just a domestic appliance and a walking ear.

He's now 8.6.

I cannot honestly say he is a delight. But socially, he is getting there. I can have a conversation with him now, and only have to turn him back to the subject once or twice. He doesn't hit his brother anywhere near as much - I'd say their animosity towards each other is equal, and normal for siblings. He's not as destructive as he was when he was four. He is frequently pleasant to spend time with, and I can spend a couple of hours with him without a major problem and think at the end "Well, that was nice"

He doesn't grab strangers any more.

I would suggest some alone-time (if possible) with just him.

No my second son has no difficulties. My first son has dyspraxia and my third son has autism and I loved them with a passion right from the beginning.

Really Colditz? - I'd settle for frequently pleasant to spend time with!
At the moment I avoid it as much as possible as I find it so soul destroying - but maybe I do have to try and spend more one-to-one time with him..

Force it on yourself. Devote 20 minutes per day to him and Thomas the Tank.

If you do that, they open up a little about their excitement with their chosen toy, like ds1 and his origami birds.