I don't love my ASD/ADHD son

[ripitupandstartagain]

That's it really. haven't bothered to name change. Feel awful about it but don't seem to be able to make myself feel anything other than irritation towards him 90% of the time. I really feel that my life is crap with him in it and really really angry that he makes mine and my other son's life so much harder.

I sometimes don't particularly like my ADHD/ASD son, especially when he's being a tyrant, but I still love him to bits and care for him deeply. When he's raging and screaming and I'm having to put all of my effort into keeping myself calm and DS2 safe, I do often say "it's a good job I love you" just as a reminder to both of us.

I also find it very helpful to remind myself that he is just a little boy and, infuriating as he can be, even the most seemingly provocative actions are actually the defense mechanism of a little boy who is frightened and stressed. He is terrified by feeling out of control and most of his reactions are one of fright or flight.

I did feel awful when he wanted a hug, last night, though, yet I felt very defensive about it. His hugs are generally like being hit by a truck and come complete with unwelcome mouths and grabbing, which i find difficult to cope with being rather tactile defensive. I did manage to relax, though, and it turned into a very sweet moment.

I cannot accept he is not NT

Think about that for a minute. If he was NT and he was doing all the things he does specifically to upset you then he would be unloveable, right? If he was NT and doing Thomas all the bloody time to wind you up then you would be right to shut yourself down and not love him, wouldn't you? Because he would be a nasty piece of work. Think about that NT child who is absolutely hateful.

Then think about your DS. He isn't NT. He isn't doing it to hurt you. He isn't like that because he hates you. He is like that because he can't help himself.

To love the child you have to accept the child and I honestly think counselling would help you do that. Honestly (and I'm not minimising or trying to patronise you here) I just think the shock of a dx and dealing with the consequences and and the anger - and you're right to be angry - has got the emotional paths a bit mixed up. I do think counselling would help you. And I send you much love, you are not alone - look at the responses you've got to your thread.

And, btw, it's OK to love the child and hate the ASD! especially when you're tired and you don't quite get the parenting right and everything goes up the shitter.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this but I am sure it's temporary and more out of sheer frustration. It is so difficult and time consuming when an sn kids comes into the family. There is so much to deal with and sometimes all the feelings involved over shadow everything else. In my opinion you wouldn't have made it this far if you didn't love him your just struggling at the moment. Do not force your son on yourself nor force yourself on him, this will increase the frustrations. Step back, do what needs done and don't try so hard and I am sure that the moment will come that will prove how much you love him.

Thanks everyone

Ripitup, if it makes you feel any better, this is a conversation I've had before with a friend who has a son very much like DS1 in many ways and it was quite cathartic to admit that we weren't exactly all giving and saintly when it came to the feelings that are stirred in us by our boys. Sometiems we do get pig sick of it and peed off and tired and resentful.

If I had a partner who behaved like DS1, I'd have left him long ago (Actually, I did, come to think of it)

On our worst days, I think of bringing DS1 up like a job. OK, it's a very badly paid, thankless job, on those days, but it's still my job. If I didn't do it, somebody else would have to do it do it and would almost definitely not do it any better. The realisation that no one else, not even DH, understands quite as well as I do what makes him tick or how to bring him down from a situation (even if the process is a painful and screechy one because giving in to a particular demand just is not going to happen) sometimes makes me think it's a rather lonely job, but the realisation does come that it's actually a rather skilled job, too.

Hi Ripitupandstartagain

Don't feel bad but do try to spend as much one on one time with your son as you possibly can. My son is 4 and is currently being assessed for ASD. His behaviour can be horrific, he takes forever to answer and sometimes responds inappropriately or just echoes the question so I know how frustrating it can be. But hang in there.

Over the last month or so I have made it a project to spend as much time with him as I can. Instead of leaving him to play with his trains I got him to build me a tower of lego, do puzzles with me (which he now enjoys as much as or more than his trains) - anything really that involved both of us interacting in a fun way. Does your DS like being tickled? Hide and seek? Peek a boo?

Even if all you do is sit on the floor while he plays with his trains and comment on what he's doing it will help you to bond with him.

Had quite a good weekend actually - went into town with both boys and bought them both some shoes - something I wouldn't have attempted single handed a year ago - and took them swimming and out for lunch without any meltdowns! Yeaaa!

Good news! :)

Well done Rip and I'm glad you had such a positive weekend...shoe trekking is one of my least favourite pastimes with my two, always a nightmare.
Last time it took all of my strength just to get eldest into the flipping shop (he's 5'10" and stronger than me by a mile) and then he ran out again, and screamed, threw himself down, refused to get his feet measured...all while youngest (5'7") was biting his hand and growling in the shop doorway...
They provide great entertainment value for the natives at least

So glad the orthotist agreed to let them have peidro trainers this time!