Dx impact on parents relationship

[MangoMonster]

It's starting to become apparent that myself and dp have different approaches towards the dx and ways in which we can help DS.

I've heard it's quite common for one parent to get quite consumed, making the other feel excluded, which comes across as not as concerned...

Just wondered what experiences others have had and where the middle ground is.

DH doesn't say much during the few appointments he attends. I think it's stressful for him to hear it put so plainly, but if it's couched in medical terms, he thinks it sounds even worse.

I don't like venting about him in public on the internet either, but recently it's been really difficult for me, and most of my friends are the female half of couples we both know, and I'm uncomfortable venting about him in front of them. I'm trying really hard this week to let go of some of the anger about the situation (mainly from dealing with DH's depression and anger issues), and I've found that we've clashed a bit less - and he's settled slightly. I still have times where it is more difficult, but at least we're trying. There have been times in the last 6 months where I really haven't been sure if the marriage would even survive. A slight glimmer of hope recently, so we're doing what we can to repair things.

I think when you're already feeling isolated due to the SNs stuff, having problems with your relationship is even more difficult as you feel completely alone.

triggles completely agree with not wanting to discuss him with family or friends. That I think would be really unfair seeing as we are both dealing with something difficult, I think it's much healthier to vent anonymously here, less damage done.

Happy to hear you're feeling more hopeful.

Thank you Mango. I hope things will sort out for you as soon. And I'll point out that I was honest with DH and told him I was venting about him. Although I have vented about him to MIL a couple times - she's a lovely woman, have I mentioned that? - she's a very good listener, understands that sometimes I just need to vent, and that often I don't necessarily mean all that I say but need to get it out. Then she tells DH to shape up.

We are tired. I hope its just that. I worry a lot, H less. This means we sometimes approach things differently. He can think I am being too negative, I can think he's not being proactive enough. I guess that argument happens among parents of children with all kinds of abilities, but it has more force when something might be wrong. Sometimes we are upset, scared or angry. Sometimes it brings us closer other times it drives us apart. But worst is the tiredness. I dont think you feel worn down like this when children develop normally. I feel physically crushed.
The pluses are: H is attending Hanen course. So he will 'lead' on that bit. Good for both of us. (I know I set it up but still...it will help balance out our involvement a bit) Also I have arranged a regular babysitting swap which should give us a night out every other week. We need some time for us away from this.

chicken I have no-one - except the MN SN boards!!

I spend all my time researching ways to help ds1, speaking to poressionals or doing therapies and exercises with ds1.

Dh does....nothing. Its got the stage with my VERY clingy ds2 that he cant even look after him whislt I concentrate on ds1....I am pretty fed up tbh and its not really dh's fault...ds1 has sen (no ones fault) and ds2 is hyper clingy atm (also not anyones fault) but its me that is dealing with these issues 24/7.

Supposed to be going to a wedding reception on Saturday...not going. Too tired, parents cant babysit anymore and the dc dont want to go. Told dh to go on his own but he wont.

Something I keep wondering..........Is this my life now??? Is this it?

Can you get more help somehow Becaroo? More childcare or some respite care give you a break?

Tried ds2 at nursery last month...just 2 mornings a week

IT DID NOT GO WELL

Understatement of the century!!!! I think thats what has made him ultra clingy tbh...he wasnt this bad til the nursery debacle

My PIL have ds2 on a tues and fri morning which is a massive help but, of course, I use tha time to clean, wash and iron and fit in all my appts (have jst been dx with fibromyalgia) so I end up more tired on those days than on normal days!!! (and they are on holiday this week....aarrgghhh!)

Would love ds2 to do 3 mornings at nursery (he doesnt start school til sept 2013) but it isnt going to happen any time soon

Sorry, that sounds very tough.

Having had experience of this (a few years ago mind), I did become terribly consumed by DS's medical condition. Really consumed, spent time researching it, going on the appropriate forums, fund-raising and feeling it was my duty to change things for my boy.

My then DP didn't want to do that. He wanted to curl up in a ball and not discuss it with me, let alone anyone else. It made things worse because I actively got involved in a community which focused on said disability. My son took a turn for the worse at about 3, but whilst I talked it out, my partner became very reclusive and eventually turned to drink to blot out his pain.

Long story short, we were both at fault for not respecting the other persons way of dealing with it. Things things are very difficult to get through, and often there is more hurt while both parent fully comes to term with the diagnosis.

As it was, a couple of young people involved in our community died. It really brought it home to me what could happen and that I needed to spend time with DS living his life. Ex sorted himself out too. We have struck a balance (for now). But our relationship was too strained and ultimately we separated. This doesn't make anything easier, but at least we get headspace from each other!

Apologies for the long post, just trying to help.