Dx impact on parents relationship

[MangoMonster]

It's starting to become apparent that myself and dp have different approaches towards the dx and ways in which we can help DS.

I've heard it's quite common for one parent to get quite consumed, making the other feel excluded, which comes across as not as concerned...

Just wondered what experiences others have had and where the middle ground is.

We are also in the early stages of coming to terms with our son's asd-type traits. I have spent the last few months feeling very angry and lashing out at everyone - including sometimes, I'm very ashamed to say, DS. DH has kept on a much more even keel - not to say that it isn't very upsetting for DH.

I have done ALL the research, gone to and chased up ALL the appointments. DH has been to a few key appointments. I spend hours (mostly lurking) on mumsnet and then researching new ideas or clever suggestions that people have posted. I'm the one who has been applying for DLA etc. I'm the one who researched and found a new nursery. I'm the one who found our ABA supervisor and got my head round what ABA is. For a time I was feeling very resentful about this until I realised that while I might be DS's ambassador/advocate to the outside world, at home DH is far more patient with him than I am.

Overall, I agree with Princess. Maybe once you give your DH some specific targets and activities to work on he will find it easier. My DH gets so excited now by any tiny little bit of progress he can see in DS.

Hope things get better for you all

sorry you are having difficult time, mango.

we are also struggling and I am one who gets consumed by it. DH has, imho, developed a very strange coping mechanism: he says that I wanted the kids (not true but that is how he likes to remember it now) and as I wanted the kids, everything is my job not his as this is the life I wanted. so I do everything - nursery drop off and pick up. going to work (20h/week), doing the household without his support. taking DD1 to her appointments and chasing up everything else. we started ABA a while back and 'we' wanted to do the hours ourselves - well, now I am doing all the hours, he does zero... it is tough but I must keep going for DD1. I am really feeling resentful it all and we argue loads...

having a child with SN put probably pressure on most relationships. I hope you find a way that will work for you and your DH!

As you will probably know I am a dad.
Since our DS1, DS2, and DS3, have all been Diagnosed, my DW and I have been coming to terms with our own versions of the similar issues. Which is not surprising as nearly all of the issues that are discussed on any SN forum tend to have a genetic nature. As you may have noticed I have been the one doing all of the research, but my DW is the better verbal advocate for our DCs needs , I just do the research and provide some of the complex explanations once we have gained the professionals attention.
Given the genetic nature of these issues continually wonder why there are so few other mums and dads talking about these issues from their own experiences in both adult life and from their own childhoods; and how they now cope as adults, and how they coped when they were younger with these very same or similar issues.

We're struggling here as well. DH is on meds for depression, just started back to work after 3 months off for stress/depression. I think it's safe to say he's driving me crazy. It IS like having another child in the house.

I saw a few flashes on his "normal" self (pre-depression) this week, but yesterday he walked around like a wounded bear, lashing out at everyone.

I honestly don't know how much more our marriage can take. I cannot sit back and allow him to treat the boys the way he has been. So I step in and get it in the neck myself instead. I can't leave the boys with him because he just doesn't cope well. But yet he is nasty if someone asks me to go somewhere and I say I can't - pushes me to go, saying he can handle the boys, and when I say no, he gets angry saying I don't trust him.... Well, no... right now I don't. Then says I'm blaming him because I can't do anything. No... I'm not saying "oh look, I could've gone but because you can't cope I have to stay home!" But by the same token, if he says "you're staying home because of me, aren't you" am I suppose to LIE?? I've told him time and time again - if you want a little woman that is going to say what you want to hear and be all agreeable all the time, you've got the wrong girl. I am going to be honest - yes, I am frustrated that I can't go, but that's the way things are right now. He gets so hung up on blame and scoring points, that it's useless to even discuss things with him sometimes.

argh

Mango,
just a couple of things, have you discussed how he actually feels about the dx. He may feel it's a reflection on him. It may just be taking him longer to come to terms with it. He may have an ASD himself.
I'm lucky in some ways, hubby was going through dx at the same time as ds2. It helped me understand both of them. Now, we support one another and actually he's brilliant at dealing with some of the issues that arise because he can see it from the Asperger point of view.

Having said that, when I got the Tony Attwood book, read it, and said this is you, ds1, dd1 and dd2, he threw the book on the couch, said rubbish and buried his head in chess and music for six weeks. I just went ahead organising the dx for them all, and by the time it came round, he had read the book and was wandering round saying Tony Attwood knows me really well!

Triggles and leonie

Sigh.

Its so hard.

I have just been dx with fibromyalgia (although got a weak postive for Lupus so not sure whats happening really) and I am really tired and in pain most of the time which doesnt help.

I have most of the weekend not really talking to dh....not being childish (I hope!) but if its not about the dc I just dont have anything to say to him

He is upset as I "never kiss him". Yep.....thats the main thing on my to-do list!!!!!

dawndonna, we've discussed it a lot but he's not a big talker, always just says he isn't worried and he's not going to worry about it. I think I've realised he is not quite upto the same point as me with regards to acceptance of dx. He's trying to bury his head in the sand, which is ok, I know he probably needs more time, as he doesn't have the constant reminder of seeing DS as much as I do.

Thinking about it all now, he's very good at making everyone believe he's happy go lucky and I think he's done that to me and himself about the dx. That's probably why he's gone over the too with all the frivolity recently.

He needs time and I need to be more understanding, he's making an effort today with DS as he worked from home and took interest in the ABA session.

I just hope I haven't hurt his feelings in a wayside any be repaired with the discussion we had the other night. He likes to gloss over stuff and deal with it himself rather than tell me when I've crossed the line and upset him. We are very different like that.

Not really sure whether to have another discussion to clear the air or whether to write a letter where he can feel less like it's a confrontation. Or whether just to leave it and move on. Don't want anything festering in his head.

Hate writing about my relationship on an Internet forum, feels like a betrayal to him but I feel it's healthier than getting more resentful and losing perspective. Hope you understand why i posted in SN feather than relationships...

dolfrog, I understand your point of view and we have discussed things that we found\find hard that could be related to Asd traits. We don't have the genetic test results back and tbh, neither of us has experienced the difficulties that DS has to the same extent, so it's a bit baffling to get our heads around his difficulties as we can't always relate. It's a bit of a limbo at the moment, because of DS age, we aren't fully aware of what he finds difficult yet.

I think it's lovely that you and your dp are working so harmoniously to help your dcs.

leonie I feel for you. I know it's easier said than done but you need to look after yourself. Do you get any help?

dolfrog I think that is the problem for DH and myself. I can understand DS more indepth and why he is doing it as I hold quite a few traits of his myself. DH on the other hand doesnt and doesnt always understand me (tries very hard though! :))

As for coping when I was younger...........well I just did. I had one friend only and was known as the "quiet one" of the family. I didnt meltdown or get angry like my DS. I simply found it better to sink quietly in the sidelines so I wouldnt be noticed therefore no attention was brought in my direction. If I bunked out of class no one would even notice I had gone. That said my fears were crowds, confrontations, dirty hands. I couldnt cope and still cant with too many demands or things to do in one go as then I get nothing done as my mind is so confused and stressed. Need time to process each one as it comes. I used to have blackouts/fits they called it and I was on meds. Not until I was in my 20s it was spelt out that they were panick attacks only. My younger brother wasnt diagnosed with OCD till way in his early 30s and he was a hide and run boy when he was little. He was also the angry one in the family. I have discussed this with DH but unless you are inside our heads it is very difficult for the outside world to understand.

Years ago no one diagnosed anything really we just grew up with it and developed out own way of coping.

As for discussing it with proffs. Mentioned it once that I hold similar traits. Result? Its "rubbed off" on DS and I was the root of his problems so now I keep my mouth shut.

Hi Mango - sorry to hear that you don't feel supported by hubby.
My ds has also had a relatively recent diagnosis and I have given up work to support him better at home. I thought I needed to do it all and didn't want to give dh a list of things to do. But things got really difficult and after way too many arguments with dh - we split some of the asd work. It has helped us so much especially as dh wanted to support me but just didn't know where to start. I didn't realise this at the time as he is always so cool, calm and happy go lucky about everything.

Hope this helps x

coff I get what you're saying. Dp is bloody wonderful at listening and calming me down. However, he believes he has to keep it together and appear like hes coping, even to me and himself. He's a great partner and a wonderful dad, I need to be more understanding of how he deals with things , it's new to both of us. I fell in love with him because he always saw the good and made everything fun. I need to take the rough with the smooth an realise that both of us having a breakdown would not work. We need to take it in turns and it's his turn so I'm going to help him like he's helped me over the past couple of months. I love him dearly, we never expected this and all our friends don't have the added extra of SN. It's not the dream but we can make it so. Thanks coff

That should have been, thanks coff and bee.

Mango, I hope things sort.

Thanks dawndonna, me too.

I am sorry some of you are going through a difficult time with DP/DH. Maintaining a healthy relationship is hard enough without the SN on top of it. The answer to my lovely relationship with DH is to find a balance and it doesnt mean split work in the household, the kids and SN responsibilities, but a split by capabilities. And moaning about being exhausted is not allowed after the kids have gone to bed. And I am allowed to sometimes shout at him for being stressed as when I shout he shuts down apparently and doesnt hear half of it!

I left a fantastic career to support DS at home so at the moment I am DSs therapist (retained reflexes, sensory integration, ABA/VB), cook, clean, iron, wash, wash up, do grocery shopping, school and nursery run and also mum to another DC that goes PT to nursery and a 7 weeks old baby. Oh and I forget DH's PA as he is so badly organised and forgets things so I am looking after his diary and appointments and send SMS reminders followed by a phone call, or I just simply do things on his behalf. And DH, just works really hard and provides for all of us, for DSs therapies, and often treats me to haidressers/facials/manicure and pedicure/surprise presents and regardless how tired he is always give the biggest hugs and often tells me I am the best mum and wife in this world and how much he appreciates all my hard work with DS and admits without me he wouldn't have progressed at all.

I research the therapies, talk to SN parents about experiences, read forums and Dh is happy about all the choices I make for DS and goes along with it and pays the costs. That is after I rubbed in for a very long time that we didnt get DS to do AIT and RR as that looked entire rubbish to DH when we went for the open evening to a private clinic; that very same therapy last year did miracle to DS. DH doesnt know what ABA is/means but attempts to copy me and doesnt know what statement is and how to even go about it. DH helps with the kids at weekends mostly, taking them to activities, park and will always babysit them when I want to go out only for me to come home and find the house in a mess that will take me an entire week to put back in order.

I feel I can write a book about my experiences with DH and his issues (which I didnt understand until I got introduced to audiotory processing and asd traits) as to me he just appeared as being on another wavelength to me at times. Then DS1 issues became apparent and even to date DH would comment I was like that, even 10 times worse. As for the copying strategies dolfrog DH often tells me life isnt easy under his skin and I wouldnt want to walk in his shoes. And I will never understand how he feels. And he tells me he truly loves me even though he forgets important things that mean a lot to me, his brain just isnt wired to process so much at one time.

Regardless of how DH is I love him dearly, his issues make him a very unique person, and I hope one day when DS overcomes some of the bigger challenges we can enjoy a good and less stressful time together. I just hope one day DS meets an understanding and supporting person like myself . Life brings lots of challenges and each time you fall down you just have to smile and pick yourself up and get to the top again.

Thanks bluShark! thats rally heartening and brought a tear to my eye. I know it's not very mn but thanks x

I really Hope things get better for you and dp mango. X

My dh is a wonderful,caring supportive husban & father still hasn't come to terms with dd's disabilities & I wonder if he ever will

He has always attended important appoitments,but in the past 6 months I have found it easier to go by myself.I'm not sure if that means I'm feeling stronger about it all,or if I don't want him there because he really thinks everything will turn out ok and won't face the problems,like I do.

We CANNOT have a conversation about her disabilities,I have tried on umpteen occasions but we never get anywhere or he squirms out of it,so at the moment we do not discuss it and I think he prefers it that way!!He is quite happy to listen to me witter on about the battles I am having,but he just listens,any other subject though,and this man can talk for england

We,as yet,have not got a dx for dd,so I am constantly researching,it consumes my life as I need answers and cannot look to the future,but I find it difficult as I feel I cannot discuss what I am doing with him as I receive little to no feedback.

We have an appointment to see the cons paed next week & I have a long list of questions to ask him,but I wish I was going on my own,as dh will butt in with unhelpful comments like 'oh she's not that bad' or 'yeh she's really improved with this'.And wishing he wasn't coming makes me feel awfulas I said at the beginning he is a wonderful man and I doubt he will change ,so we will carry on the way we are as I understand him and love him dearly.

chickens yes. My dh is like that at appts too I will be answering a question from a paed/salt/teacher whatever and he butts in with "but its much better now" or some such rubbish .

I have tried to get him read up and give him articles and books but its pointless.

I dont anymore.

You are further along the journey than me in that you can accept your dh for how he is....I am finding that really tough atm.....

It is tough Becaroooo and also very lonely,my lifeline is my dm,she is always willing to debate /discuss dd's disabilities with me,without her things with dh would probably be worse.

When I find myself resenting his aloofness I try and focus on his good points,of which he has quite a few!!!

But I must admit I do make LOTS of snidey comments like 'I must be the only one in this family that takes notice of what is written in dd's home/school book' & 'have you got your list ready for such&such appointment,there must be lots of things you want to ask?'

He tends to ignore them & I feel slightly better that I have aired my thoughts IYSWIM