Please remind smug why she is on this parenting course? Incredible Years

[smugtandemfeeder]

Went along to the first session of the incredible years parenting course we went on last night. The annoying pead made it a condition of giving us 60 melatonin tablets. (Those have been used already and he says he wont prescribe them again so if we dont go to course we havent lost the melatonin.)

I had high hopes that it would be a very indepth brain storming event where all the parents with similar kids gave each other ideas about how to help in situations.

Actually it was two and a half hours of patronising shit with awful patronising dvds.

Lesson one was about playing with your kids. Play with them for 15 minutes every day, dont read the paper while you do this and dont tell them how to play.

I know all this shit. I do that every day with DS.

In fact I could have run the session for them and taught them a thing or two.

It was so fricking basic and I was incredibly bored. Irritated beyone irritated.

I played the game. Smiled. Came out with all the very clever answers.

Dh has just gone off to his session - he is doing his on a seperate day. I was so fed up when I got home that he has gone in a foul mood and says if its crap hes not staying.

Please remind me why I am doing this? Do I really need to impress the paed? We have swapped to another pead now and we have our own private doc who couldnt give two hoots about the course. Ive already been on another parenting course. 8 weeks about playing with your kids.

Very demoralised.

Blech. I wouldn't be surprised if the paed is under pressure from the PCT to justify the melatonin prescriptions, with it only being prescribed off label for kids.

My kids don't bloody want me to play with them for 15 minutes at a time. It cramps their style!!! :o In fact DS1 only ever wants me to play with him if he's invented a board game or something!

Thats our problem. DS is only 3 but this is the conversation this morning.

Me "what do you want to play with?" trying the child led approach
DS "No I dont want to play"
Me "Mummy and DS time, what do you want to play with?"
DS "NOOOOOOO I dont want to play with you"
Me "Shall we play with your cars?" A bit of encouragement
DS "I dont want to play mummy"
Me "We can play with your cars or your bike"
DS "Whats inside this tomato mummy" (AHA interation - lets talk about the tomato and make that a game"
Me "There are seeds and tomato juice inside the tomato"
DS "NOOOOOOOOOOO, there arent seeds inside the juice"

Smug gets down on the floor and starts playing with cars on car mat in the style of Mr Tumble with sound effects and everything to try to entice DS over.

DS " I SAID I dont WANT to play mummy"

Be led by them they said. Yeah ok - ill go and do something I want to do then.

Smug - paed said you had to attend the course. He didn't say you had to come back home and implement any of it.........

It was just so tedious though, really really tedious. So slow and boring and so last year. i actually felt pain sitting there.

Lets all formulate the group rules together. Does anyone want to add any rules.

just tell me the god damn rules for the course and stop fecking about and get on with the actual parent teaching

OMG poor you

How long is this course? If its a long one I would suggest caffiene pills to stop you from sleeping on the back row.

Take an mp3 discreet and not in the right direction occasionally lol

On a serious note you are going to shut the pead up. Once its done you will never have to return and the pead can tick her its done box.

I think it was made worse by receiving the data protection stuff from the nhs trust which included a pile of letters from the paed to other professionals saying that he didn't think there was anything wrong with DS, that he was worried about my mental health (i was rather upset during meeting) and he was worried about the fact we were seeking what he calls a third opinion privately. Dick.

MP3 player, some of those glasses with open eyes stuck on the front, an ABA phd level text book on my lap, I might even ask if I can run the sleep week.

And the course is 14 weeks, 2 and a half hours a time. Sigh.

thanks justa, that's a good idea. I spent a lot of time during the session saying when I do what you just said DS does this....

Luckily we have been swapped to a new paed who is supposed to be very good. Just had a letter from her saying she has reviewed my birth notes and she doesn't think DS needs any Mri or brain scans. Urgh.

Sorry Smug but i can't help laughing at your descriptions.
I did the Webster Stratten years ago after being told by my then SW that it might be beneficial as the boys behaved everywhere else except at home!!!
What kid doesn't.
Anyway went along, load of shite spoken, similar to yours about playing with them etc...my kids don;t actually play with anything. Eldest pushes cars along on his own and wouldn't appreciate me poking me nose in and youngest follows me around asking what time is it or what time is breakfast/dinner/tea and so on...
But one good thing is I made a new mate!
started off with 10 on the course and after a few weeks there were 3 of us left and then 2, just me n me mate. We only stuck it out to have a gossip!

Have you got a SMART phone? Could you MN under the table. If it is noticed say you are taking notes.......

Okay. I'd love to join in with the parenting course bashing. I mean I would LOVE to, but I am also interested at some time in the future to run some parenting support groups and whilst I know what the hell is wrong with most of them, I'm not totally sure what would be helpful.

And also, I'm of a mind that actually SOME real life people really DON'T know the basics. Although why this should justify some boring patronising moron that probably fell into teaching these courses because they were just too dangerous working 1:1..........agh, I said I wouldn't bash.

Smug - I have learned so much helpful info from you & other MNers who actually know what it's like to live with children with SNs every day - I'm really grateful for everyone's experiences, which have helped me to cope and try to understand more about my DD (now 2). I would find it so hard to go on that course - and I am very sure you could be teaching those other parents more than the person who is 'leading' the course. It is so obvious to me (after lots of visits to Consultants etc) that most people cannot really understand/imagine how difficult - and different to 'textbook' - it is, unless they have children with SN themselves. It took me ages to realise my daughter had SN partly because of what GPs and consultants told me - and only by reading the SN forum did I find people whose experience resonated with mine. Sorry, long rant after some wine...
I really only meant to say that it seems silly that someone of your experience has to undergo such a course.

Grey, thank you. The only thing I know a lot about is sleep and I still spent most of last night awake with DS!

Star. One thing which would help in the course is if those running it actually had children of their own. They might spend all day playing with children but none of them actually have children. How the hell can they teach me anything other than the basics. Also why not have a group specifically for parents whose children are being assessed for autism. And do what I thought was going to happen at this course, let them discuss a problem between them selves for a while to share experience, much as we do on here. Perhaps invite along some parents whose children do have a diagnosis and may have more knowledge. Just a real life version of this place really. That's how they sold Incredible Years to me.

And yes I have a phone with MN on and was going to start this thread mid session last week but the battery ran out!Grey, thank you. The only thing I know a lot about is sleep and I still spent most of last night awake with DS!

Star. One thing which would help in the course is if those running it actually had children of their own. They might spend all day playing with children but none of them actually have children. How the hell can they teach me anything other than the basics. Also why not have a group specifically for parents whose children are being assessed for autism. And do what I thought was going to happen at this course, let them discuss a problem between them selves for a while to share experience, much as we do on here. Perhaps invite along some parents whose children do have a diagnosis and may have more knowledge. Just a real life version of this place really. That's how they sold Incredible Years to me.

And yes I have a phone with MN on and was going to start this thread mid session last week but the battery ran out!

Oh and don't give them "well done" stickers every time they say something good and don't give them a chocolate at the end just for staying. I am not a three year old and I don't expect to be treated like one.

Some of the parents however.....LOVED being given good girl stickers every few minutes. I can certainly see how the course will benefit them.

Just have to chip in here to say that not ALL parenting courses are like that... some are very helpful indeed, and it would be a shame to put off people who might find them very helpful indeed.

I attended one a couple of years ago. I felt patronised at the suggestion..with good reason: I have 4 children, I work with severely autistic teens with challenging behaviour.. what could they teach me?

However I went because I had nothing to lose..except my eldest son, then 15 who was awful beyond words...challenging behaviour doesn't begin to cover it. He is not autistic (DS2 is) but he is dyslexic, ADHD and hard work..and the course was fantastic. It helped me take a step back from the situation we had found ourselves in with a spiral of negative behaviour, and to start afresh..to spot triggers and de-escalate the situation, to not get into the three way triangle of arguing that can happen with a child and both parents.

I know that is different from smug's experience with a small child and the stuff being spouted (and I agree no one should run a class unless they have kids themselves!)but just wanted to say that these classes can be good!

I did 6 weeks of that particular course, not for melatonin or anything but to actually see if will improve ds1s interaction with me, the first few weeks were hell because I was "nagging" and "getting in his face" and "not leaving him alone", often followed by violence, then there was the reward chart that got ripped up because " he doesn't need this stuff and he likes things the way they are" you also get fridge reminders etc and lots of paperwork to fill out, luckily for me, after six weeks all the other parents were getting the same crap results and just didn't turn up, so they ended it.

It's so helpful to have reminders of why I should go (I'll probably get a few good ideas from it) but also a recognition that its a patronizing stupid course which isn't really aimed at children with autism. Why do they put stickers on the parents? Do they really think they need to point out to me that its important to praise my children?

Mostly I just do things because you can't say it is shite if you haven't!

The shite things I've done often have the odd nugget moment either intended or not intended by the 'leaders'. Probably not worth the effort of having to put up with the rest but you can sometimes build a nugget tower if you have enough.

And, - to be fair, during some of the shite I have had to put up with, there have been genuinely bewildered parents that had never thought about the things presented and feel better for having attended.

It isn't the course leader's fault that I have more knowledge than them when the overall market they are serving has less.

Perhaps some higher power is sending us to these courses to teach the other parents.....

DH filled in his feedback forms and gave it really low scores. He hated it and said so. They called him today to question him about his scores. how embarrassing. I bet he gives high scores next week just to avoid another phone call.

Being given a sticker for being good makes me not want to say anything good. Does this perhaps give me an insight into the workings of my DSs mind?