Lambskin, hi :) You're right there about the new ways to be crap, I have just had the most bizarre and horrible meeting and I don't even know what happened exactly. I've never been so confused in my life. I feel as if every statement was either too vague to be helpful, full of veiled and slightly hostile allusions which I wasn't allowed to unpack, or not relevant to what I had asked, or dismissive, or else contradicting something I think I heard before but can't tell because when I tried to clarify I just got a "that's not what I said" and more vagueness.
I keep being accused of misconstruing people and yet when they get annoyed with me and say this it's because I'm precisely trying NOT to misconstrue them by checking with them if what I heard was what they meant.
The most upsetting bit of it for me was when I was trying to discover exactly where, when, how, ds bit the little girl. I had previously said that while immediate consequences for ds were important the most effective thing at home was identifying triggers for his behaviour and being proactive. The SENCO said (I thought)that identifying triggers had limited usefulness because when ds had offended there was no obvious trigger. I tried to put what I thought she had said into words and ask her if that was right.
I was writing this down because being dyspraxic and having problems with memory and oral processing (it goes in at the time but doesn't stay) I find if I make notes it helps enormously to keep me focused and help me remember. The SENCO (who is also the deputy head) snapped at me in an angry voice "No, that's NOT what I said. And don't write that down...All this writing...I find it VERY offensive." I started to explain again and she said in an impatient voice "Yes, yes, I know why it is..."
I did my best to listen without writing anything down and find out what had happened eg. was the child near, did he lunge, did he chase after her
and she accused me of hairsplitting. But with ds these details are very important as clues to his behaviour and motivation.
I suggested we could have another meeting because obviously for the strategies to be effective we needed more careful indepth analysis of what was going on (ie. not the five minutes here and there I get) The SENCO said sarcastically "And where is this "indepth" analysis going to come from?"
This was after the HT had impatiently said "This is a reintegration meeting, this is not to analyse what's gone on, this is to discuss what is going to happen next. I have told you what the school can offer, you need to tell us what you have decided."
I was still quite unclear on what the school were offering though. They said there would be 1:1 but at the same time not saying what strategies the 1:1would use or granting me any space to talk to either teacher or TA before the term started. They made it clear that there would be zero tolerance of violent behaviour and said there would have to be a Parental Agreement to ensure that both school and home were giving the same message to ds that his behaviour was "absolutely unacceptable" (WTF?? "Oh sure, son, just give 'em a bite if you feel like it, that's what I do when I'm pissed off or someone looks like an apple to me")
They have not refused flexi-schooling, they have just refused to give any opinion or discussion on it. They have said I need to make the decision about it (in a very annoyed voice) but will not enter into any discussion whatsoever about how it might work or even when he will go; just "Tell us what you are going to do so I can let Borough Hall know".
But what has hurt me most is the demeanor - the dislike and impatience emanating from them. The way any attempt from me to tell them about ds is met almost with a rolling of eyes. They wanted ds to be in the room during the meeting but with a TA keeping him occupied (since he doesn't understand what has happened he can't really contribute) so he was being discussed in his presence but not really having a clue what was being sad.
They said he did know what he was doing. Why? Because he had been able to tell the SENCO that "biting was wrong" and because he had appeared happy and playing at the time of the attack.
I have observed that ds is happier playing with children a bit younger than him because they are more at his developmental level socially, but they will not let him go into reception again because they say it is "not inclusive" and that he will not learn socialisation from younger children and and that he will become more frustrated because they are not at his intellectual level. This despite observations frequently made that ds is in many ways still a toddler and that if he had been born a couple of weeks later he would have been going into reception in September in any case.
On paper I have got what I wanted - 1:1 support, proceeding to statementing, flexi-schooling - but I feel that I cannot work in this atmosphere. I leave discussions feeling as if I have been beaten up even though I cannot put my finger on exactly why.
Ds' teacher did not even speak to me. She was extremely rude to my mother who accidentally brought ds to the wrong entrance while I was going up into the meeting, shouting at her "You're not supposed to come this way!" "oh sorry I didn't know" "You had a letter about it! You can only go that way in the morning!" (The letter had been confusingly worded).
I just feel so hurt and bewildered. I have tried so hard to be co-operative and reasonable and yet I obviously annoy them every time I open my mouth. OK, perhaps my communication skills are lacking and I know I struggle with formal situations and rules and regulations but I do do my best to observe them. But I don't deserve this surely? I'm just so worried for my boy and what is saddest is that he loves all the staff and children and thinks they are all his friends yet every day he is in there he is at risk of exclusion :( :( :(