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Original poster

"oh well, they all catch up in the end, don't they...." aaaaaaghhhhhh

51 replies

hazeyjane · 25/05/2011 13:48

Sorry, just seem to hear this all the time at the moment, when we go to baby groups, chat to other mums, about ds (10 months, developmentally delayed, under investigation).

I know that people probably just don't know what to say, but it makes me want to shout, every time, and I thought it might be better to shout here, than rant to the next person that says it to me in real life!

SorryBlush

OP posts:
IndigoBell · 25/05/2011 14:10

Nah - just tell them they're talking shit. Tell them your child has developmental problems and may or may not catch up in the end Grin. Their faces will be a picture!

It is really hard to deal with this. I think all of us get insensitive lines like this....

At least you have us lovely ladies to have a cup of tea with :)

dolfrog · 25/05/2011 14:48

hazeyjane

All develop different skills and abilities at different ages and at different rates. And it is at the Age of Maturation (7 - 8years Old) when they stop growing out of developmental delays, and after the age of maturation if these issues persist then they can become considered a long term disability.
If there is a family history the issues or problems that have a genetic origin, then these can be considered as a disability pre the age of maturation, however an official diagnosis may still only be carried out after the age of maturation.
There are some diagnosis of multiple developmental delay issues such as autism which can be identified from the age of 2 years old.

Some will grow out of the delay issues and catch up, and others will not, and at 10 months old it may be too early to identify the exact problems, but all should be aware of the potential issues.

justaboutWILLfinishherthesis · 25/05/2011 15:10

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotalChaos · 25/05/2011 15:46

people often "mean" well when they try and be reassuring - but then unfortunately the road to hell is often paved with good intentions.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 25/05/2011 16:13

Yes, I think they are trying to be kind and they think it's a hopeful thing to say. They don't realise that it sounds like they are doubting you and it's undermining you. You'll just have to tell them that pretending it's all going to be all right isn't, actually, very helpful.

In a nice way, of course, not by holding them by the throat and shouting at them. Grin

SummerRain · 25/05/2011 16:23

ds2 is speech delayed and the amount of people who either announce 'Ah sure, he'll get there in the end, lots of kids are a bit slower, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you' or ask me in a really serious voice, as if the fate of the world depends on it; 'But he will be fine when he's older won't he?'

No actually, he may never talk like an normal child. Or he could be fully verbal this time next year.

I don't fucking know and I'd really like to stop talking about it now please!

One woman in particular does the question thing in that tone of vice that suggests that if you don't answer 'yes' she might start backing away from you shouting 'Unclean! Unclean! Her child won't talk, she must be possessed by the devil!'

Worst thing is she's the type of cow who goes on incessantly about her own children.... her little girl is the same age as ds2 and was an early talker, which is lovely, I've had two myself and it is very cute and all. But sitting myself and another mother of a non talker down for demonstrations of her chatty 1 year old and starting every conversation with 'X can say now' is a bit fucking much Angry

SummerRain · 25/05/2011 16:26

Sorry... that turned into a rant Blush

YANBU hazeyjane.... people seem to feel the need to talk before engaging their brains constantly

smileANDwave2000 · 25/05/2011 16:36

even if YABU lets hear it for being bloody unreasonable im sick of being nice and jolly and being reasonable, im in that kinda mood today as my DH would say Blush you will be saying BOLLOX to the Queen next lol it will make you feel better too Smile

1980Sport · 25/05/2011 17:01

Dolfrog - I never knew that about the age of maturation, very interesting, thanks for sharing!

Sympathies hazey - we were just talking about this yesterday at my lovely non-judgemental friendly SN mums and tots!

extremepie · 25/05/2011 17:11

If I had a pound for every time I heard this from people when I was convinced something was different with my DS I'd be rich by now!
I agree sometimes people just don't know what to say or think they are being reassuring whereas to be it seems like they are doubting my ability to know if something is not as it 'should' be with my own child!
For so long I thought 'well, maybe they are right and I'm just being paranoid, maybe he will just grow out of it', trying to convince myself it was ME with the problem and not him.
Well, you can probably guess he did not grow out of it. He was diagnosed as autistic in Jan this year. I then had to tell all those people who had said he would be fine. I really wished they had been right and I didn't have to say 'I told you so'!

vjg13 · 25/05/2011 17:59

I think the 'they all catch up in the end' comment is better than the one you may hear a few years later...
'what exactly is wrong with him/her'

That's the one to make my blood boil Grin

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 25/05/2011 18:12

No, the one I hated the most was, 'But all children have tantrums, are fussy eaters, line their trains up, like routine, etc etc etc...'

dolfrog · 25/05/2011 18:17

I was researching another topic "Hyperacusis" when i came accross this interesting Review research paper, which may help explain some of the problems trying to define some of the observable issues.
Auditory hypersensitivity in the autistic spectrum disorder this is an English translation from the original Spanish research paper

anon1110 · 25/05/2011 20:16

Hi Hazeyjane,

Reading your post I feel like I could have wrote it myself! We all know our children and when something isnt right, and so many times it just gets dismissed with the old 'oh they will catch up'

I have 'friends' who dont speak to me anymore cos they were fed up of me saying that there there could be something wrong with my DS, it's like they thought I was ungrateful for having him and should be grateful I have a child. (I previously lost a DD at birth) Worst still I work with these people!

Sorry to ramble about myself I tend to do this a lot on here! really really sorry!

I find it so hard getting support from family and friends and find I dont tell people things anymore. All we want is to be taken seriously!!

Goblinchild · 25/05/2011 20:20

Can I come on here and be grumpy?
I have supported my DS for years, training, skilling, explaining and generally enabling him to access as much as possible in his life.
A close friend met him after not seeing him for a couple of years. She's insisting that she always said he'd grow out of his Asperger's'
That's not growing out of his AS, you twit. It's the veneer of normality that he has due to all our bloody hard work and effort.

Galena · 25/05/2011 20:37

Can I join in and rant please?! DD has an appointment with the paediatric consultant in 2 weeks at which they may well confirm she has Cerebral Palsy. She is 2.1 and not walking independently yet.

I could scream whenever anyone says 'Oh, she's nearly walking - she'll be running all over the place in a few weeks!'

ARGH! No, she bloody won't! But we're doing her physio exercises many times during the day so that she may start walking (albeit probably slowly and clumsily) at some point.

smashingtime · 25/05/2011 21:08

Fortunately most people have avoided using the 'oh well, she'll catch up in the end' phrase with me but I have had the odd stranger especially at toddler groups say something similar. It's really hard when you feel so anxious about your dc's development and people say something so glib - I guess it's just one of 'those phrases' meant kindly as it is hard to think otherwise.

Hope your ds doing ok Hazey Smile

justaboutWILLfinishherthesis · 25/05/2011 21:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hazeyjane · 25/05/2011 21:16

Phew, thank goodness I'm not the only one who bristles at these things.

This is all fairly new to me, and so far I have been avoiding baby groups, because I have been struggling a little with comparing ds with other babies.

The last couple of weeks, however, I've had a bit more of a 'fuck it' attitude, and am realising that I have to start focusing on ds and having a lovely time with him, rather than worrying about what is going on development wise.

I am just finding it strange some of the stuff that people come out with, and find myself doing a lot of teeth clenching!

Another one I've been hearing a lot is, 'oh I expect he's just a lazy boy', and 'he'll be letting his sisters do everything for him'

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 25/05/2011 21:18

She's a friend of mine, not his Justabout. Not interested in that area of my life, so it's not something we discuss much.

justaboutWILLfinishherthesis · 25/05/2011 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happydayyay · 25/05/2011 21:35

Would love to join in THANKYOU so much for making me feel better. Had another bad day and was sitting feeling sorry for myself read this thread and realise we are all going through simlar things.

Sometimes you dont want loads of advice you just need cheering up.
Hope for a good day tommoro Smile

smugtandemfeeder · 25/05/2011 22:11

Urgh, my dad said "Im sure he'll grow out of it" when he called me today. So irritating.

Another one I get from a close friend with a 1 year old baby keeps saying re the sleep issues "Ahh but you havent tried Ferberising him" as though her specific sleep training method is the one method I havent tried and if only I did I would realise he wasnt autistic and I had just been doing it all wrong!

LeninGrad · 25/05/2011 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 25/05/2011 22:24

I think the 'fuck it' attitude is the most healthy! It takes time to get there, but you've still got to make sure, as with any child, that they are learning to the best of their ability and they are having as happy a childhood as possible. In fact, not necessarily in that order.