Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

scared help me please

46 replies

cheeryface · 02/05/2011 16:42

what do you do when a 12 year old is freaking out and getting dangerous ? saying he has the urge to kill you or kill himself. holding his fist uo to you and various heavy objects.
keeps trying to leave the house.
dont know what is wrong with him yet. no diagnosis. waiting for appointment in 2 weeks time.

but what do i do when hes like this. i am scared. dh is here today but he says its all a big act and has just smacked his backside . i didnt want him to do anything like that but hes at the end of his tether too.

what the hell do we do ?

OP posts:

c0rn51lk · 02/05/2011 16:46

make sure that everyone is safe - try to calm him
what was the trigger? Can he stay in the room by himself while he calms down?
smacking him is possibly the worst thing that you can do

Original poster

cheeryface · 02/05/2011 17:12

i am scared to leave him alone . he calms down but then starts up again.
i keep telling dh to stay away from him as his way is making it all worse.
but i am really worried that someone is going to get hurt.
he keeps trying to leave the house. he managed it earlier and then i had to go looking for him.
he keeps threatening me with heavy objects and i have already been spat at and almost knocked off my feet today.

dh said he was washing his hands of him he cant cope with him at all.
hes bigger than me aswell.

OP posts:

c0rn51lk · 02/05/2011 17:15

keep dh away from him if he is cross. He needs to avoid being aggressive with him - it'll make things worse. He will calm down eventually but he's less likely to if he thinks that you are cross with him. What happened to spark it all off?

TheOriginalFAB · 02/05/2011 17:18

Tell your DH that he must not hit your son again and explain while you understand why he does it, it will not help.

I would consider A & E tbh though I don't know what other issues your son has.

When my son has got out of control I have just held him firmly and talked calmly to him until he has calmed down. He is NT though so I don't know if that will work for your son - you know him best.

Marne · 02/05/2011 17:25

Giving him a smack is deffently not going to help, try and stay calm (the more angy and upset you get the worse he will get, if you can walk away from hime then do so, chances are he's looking for a response for his behaviour. Wish i could offer more advice, it must be very hard for you and your Dh.

Original poster

cheeryface · 02/05/2011 17:27

these incidents are happening all the time but todays was because we discovered he had stolen £20 from dh. ds2 was told to go upstairs whilst we decided what to do about it and he just went mad .

he has calmed down and gone off 3 times since then.

he is struggling at school since starting secondary and his behaviour at home is a problem too. he has really low self esteem and keeps flipping his lid and saying he wants to die etc.

someone at school suggested aspergers but it was someone who had known him only a few weeks so i just dont know.

i was wondering about A & E earlier as i was getting utterly scared and desperate.

OP posts:

sickofsocalledexperts · 02/05/2011 17:27

I think you need to get an urgent appointment tomorrow with the GP and ask for urgent CAMHS referral. There are a lot of medications that can help, eg strattera, risperidone. Once a diagnois is underway, and if you make it clear that there are health and safety risks to himself and others (do not mention your DH hitting him, this will make all the wrong things happen). If you flag the self-harming comments, and the possible harm to others (other kids?), they should fast-track you. Good luck. My boy is only 8 and already large, he is autistic, so I really feel for you.

TheOriginalFAB · 02/05/2011 17:31

My son also said he wanted to die after he had trashed his bedroom due to being bullied again at school. I went in and hit the roof.

If you feel you need A & E then go.

Original poster

cheeryface · 02/05/2011 17:33

thanx . we do actually have a camhs appointment in 2 weeks time . because i mentioned aspergers he was referred to the asd team but the wait is 9-12 months so i called and they said a social worker for autism will see him in 2 weeks time.
i just dont know how to stop him hurting himself or me in the mean time.

OP posts:

c0rn51lk · 02/05/2011 17:36

Do you think that the problem is due to how he feels about school? Are the school aware of how he's feeling?

sickofsocalledexperts · 02/05/2011 17:40

I wonder if the social worker would come quicker if you ring in and mention the violence, - particularly the violence which is directed at himself or other children (they seem to worry more about that than about us poor mums!)

Marne · 02/05/2011 17:41

I would take him to the GP tomorrow, 2 weeks is a long time to wait if he keeps going off on one. Dd1 has AS and has periods of being low and depressed, she's still only 7 so we havn't had any major problems yet (she's small enough to control), she had a bad week a few weeks ago due to school and was asking to go to the GP because she felt so sad. Will he agree to go to the GP in the morning?

HelensMelons · 02/05/2011 17:43

Tony Attwood has a couple of good books on Exploring Feelings (particularly for children/young people on the spectrum) - there is one on anger and one on anxiety; the one on anger might be useful - there are a number of cbt strategies that might help your son. (Published by Future Horizons).

c0rn51lk · 02/05/2011 17:43

Agree with Marne - his mental health clearly isn't good at the moment. If an adult behaved like that they wouldn't be expected to just carry on going to work etc.

Original poster

cheeryface · 02/05/2011 17:43

yes , he moved from the first school as i thought it was all down to bullying and that was where aspergers was suggested.
now , at the new school i have just recieved his report which says hes really struggling . he says hes fine there though.
i have spoken to the sn lady and she said she would get the school nurse involved and when hes been seen at camhs we will decide what next.
i havent found out what his problems are from the teachers yet though.

if i phoned camhs whilst he was going beserk do you think that would do any good ?

OP posts:

c0rn51lk · 02/05/2011 17:45

how was he in primary school?

Original poster

cheeryface · 02/05/2011 17:46

he was going crazy like this about a week ago and since then he has looked perfectly happy. until today. i think he would have been fine today had i not sussed that he had stolen from us.
he has been bike riding , fishing allorts since last weeks outburst.

OP posts:

sickofsocalledexperts · 02/05/2011 17:49

I have also heard some people say that prozac has worked well for anxiety/mood swings in aspergers. The three areas of impairment of autism and aspergers are

social problems, eg lack of empathy of how others are feeling. problems maintaining friendships

some problems with language/speech - in aspergers, this will not be speech delay but will be some kind of robotic speech, or repeating self when others clearly aren't interested in the subject matter, or talking in an overly formal (like a little professor)

lack of imagination or some kind of obsession with sameness and routine - eg goes mad if things aren't done in same order, or room not kept in same way. Over-literal in how he understands or communicates things (eg doesn't get when people are making a mental leap - like when I told my DSD to "see if the newspaper is in the living room" and she came back and said "yes, it's there" without realising that I had wanted her also to bring it back with her!)

If you go armed to the social worker or GP with a knowledge of this "triad of impairments", with notes as to where your DS may or may not fit in each area, they may take you more seriously.

Aspergers is in the autism "family" but without the speech delay and with normal IQ.

Good luck.

Original poster

cheeryface · 02/05/2011 17:49

primary had no problems with him whatsoever but i found him to be immature compared to some and quite difficult and bratty (for want of a better word) at home.
we did have quite a few times where he would get angry and break something. he was very moody for us and demanding.
i also worried about how low his self esteem was. we had a phase of him saying he didnt like himself. i am kicking myself now though because he once or twice said he hated his life and wanted to die but i thought he was just being dramatic and shocking as he was laughing an hour later

OP posts:

Original poster

cheeryface · 02/05/2011 17:52

i am apalled that he has stolen from us. I cannot believe how bad his behaviour has got. he was actually very loving and sweet alot of the time during primary aswell.

OP posts:

c0rn51lk · 02/05/2011 17:54

this is a good book - has advice on how to react to behaviour in ways that won't set off a rage

brandy77 · 02/05/2011 17:55

I have a 16 year old son with no behavioural problems, also have a 6 year old with either PDA or ASD

My 16 year old son was 10 when my youngest was born and this kicked off huge jealousy within him, as the youngest was in/out hospital a lot so the attention was off the eldest.

The eldest since about aged 12 when the hormones kicked has experienced the same issues as your son. Its very hard to talk to boys, they just dont want to open up. My son from age 14 became even worse with the stealing, smashing everything up, getting into trouble at school, saying he wanted to die, life wasnt worth living. Spitting at me, punching holes in all the doors. Hes now 6ft tall and 16 and his moods are calming down, but ive been carrying my purse around me in a handbag for 2 years as i dont trust him. I am a single parent so trying to restrain a 16 year old is extremely difficult. I am a dab hand at pugging up and painting doors.The reason im saying all this is because it may be that something has sparked him off if he has been okish up till now. Hope this is ok what ive said, im not implying your son doesnt have a deeper issue going on, just wanted you to know that it could also be normal behaviour. xx

p.s I know its hard for dads to not be in touch with their feminine side so to speak but one thing my son has always said is that he wished he had a man to talk too (his father doesnt have anyting to do with him). If your hubby can chill out and see that your son needs support then your son may open up to his dad BUT as i say i know men like to leave us ladies to sort out family problems

Deaddei · 02/05/2011 18:04

Agree with brandy.. I know someone with a 12 year old ds who is a big lad-6 feet and well built, very sporty. He punched holes in the wall in anger....nothing the matter with him, just very angry. tHreatened to hit his dad...who is 6feet 6.
My dd has OCD and self harms, so I sympathise with you.
Hope it looks better in the morning.

AllieZ · 02/05/2011 18:14

Cheery, I am supposing this is a new problem (you would have sought a dx long before he became 12 if things hadn't been right). From your description it seems to be a mainly mental health issue. If he is threatening to hurt/kill himself or you, this is an emergency and you need to go to A&E and the emergency psychiatric team needs to pick him up. It can also be a number of things like clinical depression or early onset schizophrenia.

Another thing that struck me is: is he within the scale as for growth? (You say that he is 12 and is bigger than you...)

shockers · 02/05/2011 18:20

A social worker told me (off the record) the other day that, if you take a child to A&E when they are displaying behaviour that could be harmful to themselves, or others, CAMHS have to be brought in.

Flip

1 2