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Original poster

I am ready to be told if I was wrong!

52 replies

BaronessVonEvenstar · 29/04/2011 14:50

DS1 has been at my mums for the entire school holidays, His choice.
He came back Monday just gone and within 5 minutes was his usual self.
Prior to the holidays he shredded his laces in his school shoes and demanded I
went and got him new shoes, I didn't I bought him new laces.There was nothing wrong with them and still isn't.
He is now threatening to cut them up unless I buy him new ones before Tuesday.

He refused to go to school the 2 days this week he should have because I wouldn't
buy him new shoes. I ended up telling the school the real reason for his absense rather than
covering him.

This morning he got up and wanted to control the TV Now, I wanted and did watch the royal wedding.
His way of dealing with this was shouting, screaming and tantruming.

I reacted by following out my threat from yesterday, that if he did not change his attitude I would
a- get the internet barred on his mobile
b- empty his room
c- stop him going fishing on Sunday.

He has 2 days to redeem himself to go fishing on Sunday.

I have barred the internet and have also took his tv, dvd, ps2 and ds away.

He has continued to shout etc and trashed his room.

Ok I know he has aspergers, BUT should I have not done this and let him continue to be
rude or was I right in what I have done and the shoe issue?

I should add that mum said at hers although not on the same scale she had to deal with a few
strops from him.

OP posts:
farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 29/04/2011 15:30

My ds is 8 and really struggles with the sleep thing. He regularly misses school because he is so tired and I know I will be called in to deal with a meltdown if he goes in, he will become aggressive and stressed and I can't put him through that. We get a lot of early morning waking and every few weeks and stay up till one in the morning, nightmare!

It takes time to sift out what is really important and what can be distracted from, its practice. Your ds has only been diagnosed since February, only two months, you can't be expected to know everything can you? I suggest that you read up anything and everything you can find. Sometimes when I find myself becoming impatient and stressed I will read up because it will re enforce just how difficult life is for ds and he is genuinely not trying to be a PITA, he cannot help himself. Do you go on the SN board, so helpful over there.

You could use these kickers as a bargaining chip. This is what I do to help ds manage his behaviour. I tell him what will be expected from him at school the only place we have real problems and also tell his one to one to re enforce it at school. Some might call it bribery but I find it very effective with my ds in "good behaviour, leads to good things" kind of way. All that rewarding the positives you did with your toddler doesn't stop with ASD kids as they get older imvho. They are struggling so much that a clear guideline like that ie "i will get you these shoes, if you do this, that and this" really works with them.

HowAmIStillHere · 29/04/2011 15:31

Geepers, gosh that was very hard of you! Aspergers is such a difficult thing to try to understand, very hard to get into the mind of an Aspie who does not see the world like you and I!

farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 29/04/2011 15:32

Geepers OP's ds has only been diagnosed since February. Before that I am sure life was a bit of war zone, thats life with an ASD kid sometimes, especially one without understanding, awareness and a diagnosis.

A singularly unhelpful post imvho.

OP please go to the SN boards.

Original poster
BaronessVonEvenstar · 29/04/2011 15:33

and Geepers when he is in one of his oppositional moods it can be a war zone as something as simple as asking him to turn his tv down can cause a meltdown from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaronessVonEvenstar · 29/04/2011 15:36

Fark tbh I feel out of my depth on SN board as everyone seems to know so much more than me and I start to panic.

OP posts:
HowAmIStillHere · 29/04/2011 15:36

Re the 'bargaining' over the shoes - I agree with fark, remember, Aspies see things in straight lines! Tell him, if he does A - he will get B. Keep it very clear and simple.

farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 29/04/2011 15:36

Oh and OP, I wouldn't let my ds stay with his grandparents for excessive amounts of time if they are anything like my inlaws. Nothing is too much trouble for the Little Prince when he is there and he comes back with raised expectations that take a while to subside.

HowAmIStillHere · 29/04/2011 15:38

Baroness, all us sn parents were out of our depth at the start, believe me! It is a learning curve for both you and your ds. But you will get there - and you will never stop seeking information and advice.

Original poster
BaronessVonEvenstar · 29/04/2011 15:39

Fark have we got the same mum?
although in her defence she has been much more consistent since the dx.

I will try the bargaining tool !

OP posts:
Original poster
BaronessVonEvenstar · 29/04/2011 15:40

I have asked MNHQ to move this thread to SN.

OP posts:
farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 29/04/2011 15:41

"I think he is focusing on the shoes possibly because he doesn't yet know how to articulate whatever else may be troubling him? I know with my own ds that a small thing can be focused on and blown out of proportion when he has anxiety problems over something completely unrelated"

Totally true.

Original poster
BaronessVonEvenstar · 29/04/2011 15:43

I wish I had your insight to him as you do with your children Sad

the AS combined with ODD is hard to understand for me. I am sorry to say.

OP posts:
farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 29/04/2011 15:51

You will have eventually, I promise. Ds has been diagnosed for almost three years now, I have had all that time to get to know about it. Also he was a portable, easily managed 5 year old when we got a diagnosis as well.

Your ds has AS, ODD and is a teenager! Can't imagine a much tougher situation than that to be honest.

You can learn loads from the SN Board, this book is good as well Tony Attwood, my local library had it and then I ended up buying it. I don't know anything at all about ODD though I am afraid.

purplepidjin · 29/04/2011 15:59

From experience...

Stick with the consequences, and make sure you have an established and agreed set with him for future (defined eg aggressive) behaviour. You must go through with what you have told him.

Find out what is wrong with the shoes. It is likely that he can't tell you, or you need to ask specific questions. Ask direct things like "is there a lump in the sole?" "Do they pinch your toes?" "Do they rub here, here, here" (point)

Of course, even with AS, he might have decided they're the wrong brand. Bear in mind, though, that he might want Kickers because other people have Kickers and he sees this as a way to fit in.

Oh, and find out how he feels about his socks - many many people with AS have sensory issues, and seams in socks drive them bonkers Smile

HTH

Original poster
BaronessVonEvenstar · 29/04/2011 16:04

Purple, he has very heightened senses. He can just about cope with his socks. The thing is he hates shoes/boots/trainers which are wide fitting he likes a snug fit but he is an 8 in mens shoes and the kickers he tried on were too wide, the size down too small so if I did buy them I would be faced with the same issues I am now.

But I think I will have to find a compromise as he needs to be in school.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 29/04/2011 16:24

BaronessVonEvenstar, I could have so easily have posted that OP. My DS has behaved exactly like this in the past (he's 12, not diagnosed with anything, but definitely has sensory issues)

My DS just chopped up his shoes without warning. I bought new ones. Had either of my other DC done such a thing I would have gone ballistic, but with DS1 I find "giving in" (or going with the flow as I like to consider it) is sometimes the only sane option.

I found banning things lead to more tantrums/ trashing of his room etc. We would then have to get him to help redecorate his room. It was one bloody thing after the other. Sorry, I'm whinging now. I don't really have any advice, only a huge amount of sympathy. But I agree with carrying out any consequences you have set, however painful it may seem.

MNHQ
HelenMumsnet · 29/04/2011 16:28

Hello. We're going to move this thread to SN now, as requested. [csmile]

Original poster
BaronessVonEvenstar · 29/04/2011 16:33

Thankyou Helen

OP posts:
Ineedalife · 29/04/2011 16:45

Not really helping with the behaviour side of things, but if you do decide to buy the new shoes could you try an insole in them to make them a better fit.

You can buy trainer type insoles which are a bit thicker that normal and don't slide around or fold up like the others do.

BTW I totally agree with what has been said about sticking to your consequences all I would say is maybe beware of what you are threatening because you can sometimes make your own life harder.

Take care and good luck with school whatever you decideSmile.

purplepidjin · 29/04/2011 16:47

Ok, thinking out of the box...

2 pairs of socks
Insoles
Trainersor other comfortable non-uniform shoes instead. Unfortunately, not all schools are willing to be flexible on this, but imo it's better to get him there than not at all!

Even something like this during the hot weather??

cheeryface · 30/04/2011 12:40

wow weird , sounds SO much like my son. ds2 is 12 , he actually needs new shoes but we are having an issue because he only wants timberland or kickers.
he has also refused to go to school
trashed room
and is supposed to be going fishing with his uncle on sunday
i try to deal with his bad attitude by taking things away , its been his xbox , his ipod and his phone this last couple oof days.
he wants all his own way and kicks off if i should happen to want the tele.

we are still waiting for a psychologist to assess him
after reading your post i am thinking the suggestion of aspergers may be correct ! i keep swaying between that and him just being an insolent little bugger !

you have my sympathy , i feel so stressed with it all .
hope school can help x

colditz · 30/04/2011 12:49

Has he been picked on about his shoes at school?

Al1son · 30/04/2011 13:02

My DD (14) has AS and has the same very rigid thinking. If I a confrontational with her it makes her dig her heels in further. I have to present her with the problem I have and ask her to help me solve it. In this situation I would write down the issues from my point of view e.g.

My daughter wants Kickers.
Her school shoes fit her.
She chose the shoes she has.
I cannot afford to buy/don't want to waste the money on buying new shoes she doesn't need.
I understand she is very upset because her shoes don't look how she wants them to.
I love my daughter and want her to be happy.
My daughter has to live in a world where you don't always get what you want.
My daughter must learn that destruction is not the right way to get people to do what you want.

I would then get her to look at all my problems and give me a solution which addresses them. It helps her to see thinks from my point of view and is much less confrontational than me saying it.

I would also think very, very carefully about whether the reason he is refusing school is because he wants new shoes or whether it could be that the shoes battle is an excuse to avoid school because he has a problem there and doesn't know how else to address it.

purplepidjin · 30/04/2011 13:18

Al1son that is one amazing social story!

EllenJane1 · 30/04/2011 13:19

Hi. I think you're going to have to follow through with your consequences this time, just to be consistent. But I'd agree with the others who have said you need to find out why he is behaving inappropriately (may be due to Aspergers or may be just being a teenager). What have you told him he must do to get privileges back? Go back to school in the shoes until the end of the school year or until half term? You may get out of the situation if you give him a plan he must follow, then you will try to find Kickers that fit.

Work out, with him if possible when he is calm, fair consequences for inappropriate behaviour that you are comfortable with carrying out, such as removal of bedroom electronics for a set amount of time (not an indefinite amount of time, that is too stressful) paying out of pocket money for damaged items,etc.

Get the Tony Attwood book on Aspergers. Keep posting on here. We try to be really helpful and hope we're not too scary! Grin