Teaching Assistant and other parents resentment

[spearhead]

Hello, my DS has mild Aspergers and struggles mainly at school. So funding has been arranged (whilst a statement is got), for 20 hrs 1-1 a week. His behaviour has been great, his work has improved and he is now working at the correct level. So happy all round - or so we thought. Today another mother informed me that the children are cross my son gets special attention and other mothers (her included I now know) constantly badger the teacher for reasons as to why their children are being left out whilst my son gets special treatment. To be honest I am so upset now, just when things are going right for my son, the playground bitchiness kicks in and we are made to feel in the wrong.
The school want to tell the parents exactly what is wrong with my son, and the reasons for his TA - I don't want this because of various reasons, one being it is frankly none of their business and they should leave me to bring up my son and concentrate on their own children.
Has anyone else come across this issue and how did you deal with it please.

We haven't had this kind of issue but I believe that's because we've been open with everyone. You obviously have your reasons for not wanting the other parents to know. Is your son aware he has Aspergers? He may tell them himself if he does.

I have found the other parents supportive and frinedly in spite of the fact that my DS has full time ( breaks and lunch) too, 1-1 support. His issues are different ( although I also think he may have ASD or ADHD) but no-one has had a go at me or him.

Hope you can work it out.

X

Hi Spearhead,

Great that your son is doing so well with the support! Unfortunately, parents are very anxious for their children to get the best education possible, and hardly any parent is completely happy with the way their child is being supported. They may think your son is getting an unfair advantage relative to their child, but they don't seem to realise that it is not at all easy to get a statement, and if your child has got one he must have needed it badly!

I'd try to ignore the playground bitchiness, you don't need to explain or defend yourself. If you feel the need say anything, you could tell them the whole class will benefit from having an extra TA in the classroom (if only because the class teacher needs to spend less time with your son).

Hi Spearhead,

Great that your son is doing so well with the support! Unfortunately, parents are very anxious for their children to get the best education possible, and hardly any parent is completely happy with the way their child is being supported. They may think your son is getting an unfair advantage relative to their child, but they don't seem to realise that it is not at all easy to get a statement, and if your child has got one he must have needed it badly!

I'd try to ignore the playground bitchiness, you don't need to explain or defend yourself. If you feel the need say anything, you could tell them the whole class will benefit from having an extra TA in the classroom (if only because the class teacher needs to spend less time with your son).

Hi, I'm a 1:1 TA for a child with ASD and dyspraxia. His parents have decided they don't want anyone apart from staff knowing I'm there to support their son. It has proved very difficult to support him properly without the other children having a good idea. I think they realise I support him more than average, but may not know I'm supposed to be there solely for him.

The main difficulty, however has been with the children not being very tolerant of the boy's behaviour. He is not at all disruptive but very unpopular within the class. I truly believe they would be more tolerant towards his quirks if they had ASD explained to them, but his parents are adamant.

Your problem is different, I know, but I think parents will continue to be unsupportive and jealous at what they see as favouritism, rather than a child with significant SEN being appropriately supported to access the curriculum. It is only your business but you will either have to put up with the snidey comments or be more open, I fear.

It is up to you OP, but I always found honesty and openness worked best for me.
We used to get all the ' Teacher's son, does what he likes and no one stops him' crap from the Great and Good in the playground up until his dx.
Some parents can be vile.

Don't worry about other parents, to be frank its got nothing to do with them why your son gets 1-1 and if they don't like it tough. I was open about my daughters special needs and all it ever got her was more picking at her off the kids in her class. SHE hates the fact the teacher points out that its not her fault that she behavior's differently. She starts high school in September and none of the children in her school are going to the same one. We will do everything we can to make sure the other kids don't know that she has anything wrong with her as she does not want to stand out from the crowed at all. I know its hard because some things can seem a little clear that she isn't the same by the way she reacts but I am hoping that with CAMHS help (child and adolescent mental health services) we can learn some new stuff to help her keep things more under wraps (we hope). It is really down to you what you want to do but if I could do it all over again I would not tell anyone.

There can sometimes be this feeling toward SEN kids and frankly, it has nothing to do with the other parents. I had a "school gate" mum for a friend who I have now totally dropped. She stood telling me one day that, her son (who is a rather badly behaved though very bright boy) was not getting the attention HE needed but then, with so many children needing "specialist attention", it wasn't surprising. She eventually moved schools.

Perhaps, we ought to go back to the dark ages (not THAT long ago) when these kind of children would have been institutionalised and forgotten about?

Shame on them.

I think funding for 20 hrs 1:1 is quite amazing if he does not have a statement. Can I ask how you managed to get it? It also puts the school in a strange position because until there is a statement, there is no legal justification for the extra attention your son is getting.

Once he has the statement/dx, I think there is little point in trying to conceal the reason because I think another parent could request information from the school under the FOIA.

It's a breach of confidentiality for anyone (but yourself) to divulge dx.

It's NONE of their business.

Some schools don't need a legal justification to provide support to meet a child's needs.
Up to 20 hours can be given without a statement. My son doesn't have a statement because he's always had the support he needed for his dx without it being a fight for every scrap.

We didn't have to fight to get the support, the school requested it and got it. It is a very small school, with very small classes and the TA is sat on a table of children including DS and she also inputs into others as well when DS is settled well. I have spoken to various agencies - now we are applying for a statement - and there is no obligation for our private information to be divulged, until we either give permission to do so, or we choose to tell people outselves. Not sure if FOIA is relevant here but will look into that because I don' want further bad feeling if that act is used for information. I felt that because all are getting some benefit of the LSA either directly or indirectly that people would be happy. Thank you all for your responses though, a lot of 'food for thought'.

'I felt that because all are getting some benefit of the LSA either directly or indirectly that people would be happy.'

It depends how selfish a parent is, some can't see beyond the wants of their own child. The same parents tend to park on the zig-zags outside school.

We have had the exact same problem as you! It does get easier, in my case I don't know if that is just because the other parents realise that there is nothing that they can do to alter the fact that my ds is getting the support because he has Aspergers or whether i have grown a thicker skin!! You have to ask yourself, is it really the other children that are cross that he gets extra help or is it just that parent,who is the one that is cross? Whichever, there is nothing that you can do about it so try to stop worrying and just keep on making sure that your ds continues to get the support that he requires.

Both my children have autism. They get full time 1:1. The other parents know and they know why.

It simply makes things easier. Autism is nothing to hide. By guarding the information, it's like you're saying it's a secret. By saying it's a secret, you are implying there is something wrong/bad/shameful about it. It must be hidden. It's none of their business.

Well, no, it isn't any of their business, but it's not information you have to conceal either. If it helps your child have an easier time of it, isn't it worth it? What matters more? protecting his 'personal information', or making sure that he is accepted, included and understood? And yes, in an ideal world, everyone would be without explanation, but we don't live in that world. We live in a world where if you're different, people recoil and are much better if they understand why you're different.

When my children joined a school, The staff would have a lesson on autism and explain it to the children. Explain the difficulties and the reasons why children with autism are different and different ways the other children could help them.

The other children were (generally, not always) great about it! Helpful, nice.

And then, of course, if you do run into a selfish parent who thinks that you are having a grand old time of it with a ta all to yourself you can go up to them and say "If you want my child's extra support for your child, I take it you want your child to have my child's autism too?"

Which normally shuts them up.

Goblinchild, guess I may be one of those selfish parents, sorry.

I've worked really hard to get what my child needs and I don't see why others should benefit if it means he doesn't receive the support he needs and I expect that he receives the 32.5 hours support I went to tribunal to get in place for him.

My son couldn't go to school one day this week because his school felt it appropriate to use his TA to work with nursery children whose usual venue was being used for polling so they were allowed in his class but he wasn't. He was therefore effectively excluded for the day so the nursery children had somewhere to go. I'd be really interested to know what people feel about this?

I don't park on zig zag yellow lines though, so perhaps I'm not that selfish!

Sorry I don't think I was implying that the child and parent with special requirements was selfish - my son is the one with special needs and he is the one with the TA. It is the other parents negative reaction to this that is confusing me. In an ideal world every child would have their needs met without any fighting involved (either to get the support or from jealous misguided other parents).

Spearhead I was responding to Goblinchild's post:-

"It depends how selfish a parent is, some can't see beyond the wants of their own child. The same parents tend to park on the zig-zags outside school".

I as trying to make the point that if a child needs support they need support and that it shouldn't be used for anyone else at the expense of a child for whom the support is required, which in my experience schools appear to do. I don't think it's selfish to expect agreed support to be put into place and I am sorry if I worded that badly, I didn't mean to offend anyone. I am new to this so may be making mistakes for which I apologise.

I wish we lived in an ideal world as you describe it or even something near to an ideal world would be great, I think much of the fighting would be unnnecessary if the process was more parent friendly and less adversarial.

Charlie06 - sorry, I see now. I'm new to this too - the Board and having a diagnosed Aspergers child - I never thought that parenting and the associated would be so hard. Really wears me down sometimes, want to take my boy and run off to the sunshine and live on the beach.

I get this a lot.

I have a Blue Badge for my son. He has ASD. I get all sorts of funny looks from other parents when I drive into the school parking lot (parents are NOT allowed to do this) but I do it anyway if my son's having a dreadful morning and I've had a rotten time getting him there, in the first place.

It's almost as if they can't see a wheelchair so, why the Blue Badge privilage? Also, teachers use the one disabled parking spot......because it's so difficult to park and I was asked NOT to park near the school gate. "Then please ensure the Disabled Parking spot is left clear for those who need it".

Gets on my nerves. Our life's bloody hard enough, without this!!

Spearhead I completely understand, don't worry, I'm sure I wasn't clear. I'm not having a good time just now either and probably was a bit quick off the mark to respond. I have felt like running off somewhere often and even last night for example was thinking the same thing again.

It's tough enough as Wendihouse states, I hope you will find support form these boards.

Oh God....can I come with you Charlie06?

Tis only in my dreams wendihouse not likely to become reality!!!!!!! thanks for your post it made me smile.

Where would you go if you could go anywhere?

A quiet place....where my son could, tick/flick/chunter/check stuff/ be himself and not have to fit in with this world. It's a darned cruel place, so it is, if you don't "fit in".

Glad I made you smile.

Tis indeed Wendihouse, particularly in the current times, fitting in is a real issue isn't it but why?

I think a quiet place would be lovely, somewhere quiet and spacious where quality of life was more important than material possessions.

Who would you invite to go with you?