please someone tell me what to do , getting in a state

[kookypooky]

have had problems with ds2 (12)for a while. hes 3 weeks into a new school and problems are arising again. the last school thought he might have aspergers and we are waitng for assessment.

last night ds2 was in trouble when i found out that he had secretly created a facebook account after i said he couldnt. instead of being sorry he was angry and spent until midnight kicking , banging and shouting from his bed upstairs.

this morning hes still angry and insulting me abd behaving really horrible. we had a doctors appointment as he has somnehow got an inflamed jaw joint.
we leave the doctors to go back to school (we walk) and hes going on and on , he wont have the tablets etc etc and hes saying he hatres his life , he hates me, he might aswell be dead etc.
we get near the school and he refuses to go any furthur saying that if he goes as he is he will punch someone or something ( never has before)
i have spent ages near the school tryin to reason with him to no avail. i was going to phone the school but that was making him really go off grabbing me , the phine etc.
i have agreed to come back home whilst he calms down and then send him.
i dont know what to do. i dont know if he will calm down, doesnt look like it.
its like he just goes mad and turns into a raving lunatic . people cant believe when i tell them . the school have a few concerns though.
please help. im in limbo here. just want to cry .

sorry bit garbled, i was taking him into school late this morning due to docs appointment.

What concerns do the school have and what were the reasons for moving away from the other school

I wouldn't even try to send him to school today tbh. He's in pain and he's had little sleep, he's really stressed and really feeling like that he needs to be at home.
I would tell him that he isn't going to school but he needs to calm down so he needs to find something to do that will help him do that.
Would he like a soak in the bath, a favourite dvd, a walk in the park, some of his favourite music, hot chocolate and a good book.
Once he is calm try talking to him about why he got so stressed, what he's finding hard at school, what you can do to help.
Has he been referred to CAMHS?

well he keeps falling out with everyone. he is distracted and moody and was particularly negative in a class debate they said.
he moved from the other one because he seemed to be getting bullied and the school were really not very good at all.
but please, what do i do with him now ? hes supposed to be at school and hes here at home ranting and raving.

yes referred to camhs. hes been so awful and nasty to be , shouting right in my face everyone going passed was looking
i am worried to keep him at home because its sort of like hes won and his behaviour has paid off. do you think ?

It sounds like he's got anxiety issues around school and possibly low self esteem. Both of these are really common in Asperger's Syndrome so it's good that he's having an assessment. I think you should go back to your GP without him and ask for a referral to CAMHS (unless they are they ones doing the AS assessment).

If you can you also need to try to have a conversation at a calm, relaxed time with him about what is hard about school. Completing a task shoulder to shoulder while you chat works well because that removes the pressure of eye contact and makes silences while he gathers his thought ok.

If you find out about any problems in school make an appointment with the head and expect them to put things in place to help him. If you post on here people will tell you what support their children have so you can get an idea of what to ask for.

Make sure he knows that you are on his side and will do whatever it takes to help him feel happier. I made the mistake of trying to force my DD1 into school aged 12 before her diagnosis of AS and I will always regret it.

My DD1 is a very gentle person but she went to extremes to avoid school because she was so scared so try to be understanding about his behaviour rather than disapproving if possible. You probably are being understanding but just in case...

I hope you get some answers soon.

Don't think of it as a battle he's winning. think of it as a cry for help and it's your job to find out what help he needs and make sure he gets it.

He sounds like he's very scared and confused. He may not understand himself why he doesn't want to be at school but perhaps if he feels that you are on his side he'll be able to talk it through and work it out with your help.

I would just phone the school up and say he is unwell on this occasion I am sorry about your problems I am having some issues myself with my ds.
I do think that alot of my ds's behaviour is down to low self esteem, and anxiety issues.

At this moment what's important is that you let him destress as the poster above said, everthing else can wait.

How is his literacy? My suggestion ONLY works if his literacy is good.

STAY CALM & DO NOT APPEAR EMOTIONAL YOURSEELF IN ANYWAY.

Tell him straight you are determined to help him but you can't listen while he is shouting at you.

Ask him to write down (or type up) how he is feeling. Tell him you do not mind if it takes him all day, or even if he just thinks about it for you and types it up at the weekend.

Tell him you NEED to know what is making him feel like this and that you love him and you WILL do your best to help him after he's written it down and you've had time to have a proper think about what to do to help him.

Let him be in a room by himself to write and do not hover in anyway shape or form, even if it means you have to spend the afternoon in the garden.

Do not respond immediately when you get that bit of paper in his hand. Oddly he'll appreciate it more if you sit him down to talk it about after a/ he's calmed down & b/ he's seen you take time to think it through. Give him a date & time you'll talk about a day or two in the future. (he'll be rational by then).

Let him rant and rave - that's OK. Damaging property isn't. Be deaf to any hurtful stuff he says verbally right now as he's too far gone to mean it, let it go and don't dwell on it later in any way shape or form. The school will just have to accept he is not fit to be there today.

This is because you may not understand why's he's so upset. In fact he probably can't articulate it yet in any meanigful way, and won't be able to for a day or two.

What he writes down will be the part you take notice of even if he doesn't write till Sunday evening. He needs "processing time" and no further stress caused by trying to interact wth you right now, at one level he'll know he's upsetting you and this will distress him further. You have to be calm and remove emotion from the situation because he cannot right now.

kooky

Many senior school children who have AS do find secondary school very difficult particularly if the school for whatever reasons are not meeting their additional needs. Sounds too like his previous school did not act at all decisively after telling you he may have AS (BTW schools should not diagnose like this as they are patently not qualified to do so) either. I feel for you both, his anxieties could so easily become a full blown school refusal which is not something either of you want.

I take it as read there is no Statement in place for him currently. Having one of those in place would be a start, has anyone ever mentioned the word Statement to you?. You do not need a diagnosis to apply for a statement and you could yourself write to the LEA requesting such a document.

I would also try and get the GP to refer your son to a developmental paed (do not take no for an answer). CAMHS certainly have their place but people's experiences with them can be mixed so do not let them give you the runaround. Also ASD is not always their specialty hence also the above suggestion.

Is he on any plan like School Action or School Action Plus, have you ever seen an IEP drawn up for him?. If not I would be asking them why that is.

I would also be having words with the SENCO re your son regarding what support there is in place for him currently both in class and at break/lunchtimes.

You are your son's best - and only - advocate here. No-one else is better placed than you to fight his corner for him and infact no-one else will.

he ended up out of school for 3 months before he strated this new school in which time his behaviour was even worse.
i try to talk to him and he just tells me to get lost.
he says he doesnt know why hes being like he is. he says he cant help it. i am trying to be kind but hes kicking things and being totally impossible.
hes so nasty and then says its not its fault. he really doesnt seem to know what is wrong himself.

should i tell the school what has happened or shall i pretend hes too ill for school ?

no statement. the new school was supposed to be a fresh start. we thought there was a chance he would be ok as he had previously been ok at the primary school. at first i thought everything was and we maybe didnt even need an assessment. donr think this morning was about school. it was him being angry with me and not wanting to go to school in that state.

there is also conflict atm with me and dp, i posted on here about him being bullying towards me. so, obviously thats not going to be helping.

he is just point blank refusing the medication off the doctor for his jaw. he has always been like that over medicine.
i have tried again with him and hes now banging banging banging in my living room
i dont know what to do.

Stop trying and go have and have a cup of coffee somewhere quiet. Your stress, will feed his and it'll get worse otherwise.

I agree with advice particularly bochead and atillathemeerkat. Written communication has worked for me with pupils in school. Agree it allows time to process and express feelings. Do not underestimate hormones at your ds age. I have no doubt they add to existing difficulties.

Re facebook - you will probably find most kids of this age are communicating via fb - whether their parents know/agree! Having said that, I appreciate your concerns.

As a parent you have a right to request (via school/gp) that your ds be assessed. Agree, don't take no for an answer.

If DS does have AS, will not like change to routine: going to doctors - and may not like/cope with physical/sensory aspects of medication.

Agree you need to have time out yourself.

thanks . All he has written on the paper i gave him is ME in big letters. says that is his problem he hates himself. cant get any furthur than that.
i said no to facebook as he seemed to be getting into enough problems socially and i thought it was a bad idea.
when i look at the fb hes set up he had put i am being bullied on his status.
he says he only put that because he wanted a girl to feel sorry for him and like him.
it doesnt seem to me that hes being bullied, it seems he keeps upsetting people left right and centre. If he behaves at school like at home i can see why. it makes me so sad . the last school didnt think it was bullying they thought he was equally doing wrong.

Kooky

The leap between primary and secondary school for many children on the autistic spectrum is just too much particularly if their additional needs are not being met with the net result being it all kicks off at home. He was probably just about managing at Juniors:(. His anxieties re school is overflowing into his home life.

Your son's additional needs at school are not being met and they won;t be because there is no real support in place for him currently.

Do you yourself know what support if any your DS is receiving at school?. You need to see the SENCO there asap at the very least.

You both cannot go on like this, you'll end up with a nervous breakdown. Or your son will crack totally.

I have replied to your previous threads about your partner and your man is not helping at all (extreme understatement). What are you getting out of that relationship now?. I note you met him when you were 17, he took advantage of your youth and naiveity and has used this to his advantage. I sincerely hope too you find it within yourself to get him well away from you all because he will destroy you all ultimately.

I'm comming a bit late to this, but agree that you need to keep hi
at home to calm down. Of he's like this he is in no fit state to be in school.

Spend the afternoon makingphone calls to school ( tell them exactly why he's not there, don't hide it), Gp and EP if he has one and if you have CAMHS call them, or ask GP to refer you to them ( not for an assessment but for behaviour and anxiety).
Ask them to help you.

Let your ds have as much quiet space to regroup as he needs and ignore any verbals. If he needs to lash out tell him to go and pound his pillows, no Walls doors or people.

Tell him you love him and you are going to help him when he is ready.

We had an awful week this week and my ds2 was very very overloaded. So yesterday I kept him off school so he could retreat and regroup.
Today is a better day for it.

Agree with Atillathemeerkat.

Your ds wants to do what his peers are doing. In my experience (7years with SEN students at mainstream school) 'bullying' is often used to express frustration and lack of control (although should not be ignored.

I am guessing ds does not know how to express feelings in writing. You may need to model by writing key words (not phrases), both positive and negative, for him to choose from. The technique should also be used to express feelings on good days to avoid negative associations.

Agree with thecarrotcake's use of strategies like pillows to vent frustrations.

Good luck.

just read the latest messages. ive probably done the wrong thing but, it took ages before he calmed down. eventually when he had i made him some lunch . When i saw how much of a struggle he was having eating it , and how much it hurt i decided not to send him back to school.
I managed to cut the tablet into small bits and he took that.
i just couldnt face talking to the school as i am all teary .

I think had he not gone into a rage about the facebook thing he would have gone into school ok after the doctors.
although he has been having trouble at school i think hes having just as much trouble at home. he just wants his own way all the time or else we get this scenario like today.

for those who read my post on relationships about dh :

i spoke to dh on the phone and told him that ds2 was flipping out etc i i felt like i couldnt cope anymore .
hes just phoned to say he wont be home from work tonite, hes been asked to do a trip to scotland (hes a driver) he didnt have to do it.
he said ds2 could go with him but he knows i wouldnt want ds2 going so far away when hes like this. i told him how much i had hoped he would be home to help me.

heres how the next 2 text msgs went :

him- last chance to send ds2 with me

me - he didnt sleep last nite, hes too tired , mentally unstable and his jaws so inflamed he cant eat so its a stupid idea. i need a supportive person to give me a hug and tell me im doing ok and its going to be ok but sadly i cant have that. i dont have much money in the house either as you have it all in your wallet , you should be ashamed.

him - the boys have money, use that until tomorrow, how do u know its in my wallet ? u reap what u sow i told u i was a truck driver at the start.
i also told you i would work away if you stopped sex. and working away is only the start.

how the hell did i get here

I just remembered some info from SALT...

Have a look at www.5approach.co.uk - it might help you to understand ds behaviour/feelings and offer strategies.

I can't comment ref. dh because I don't want to be rude!

thankyou v much will look

ok kooky thats a bit shit of your dh not to be there to support you

have you got any friends/family around that could come over for a cup of tea and some support?

not really. i tried talking to my mum the other week but she just thinks ds2 needs a smacked bum and doesnt want me to tell her things dh has done she says. i think she thinks it best to not know also tells me how badly it upsets her so then i feel even worse !

KP

I would talk to the school on Monday; both you and your DS have had enough for one day.

He could not even be bothered to talk to you on the phone. You only get one shot at this life and you're wasting it by staying with such a sorry assed individual as this man who cares not a jot for you, or your children for that matter.