please someone tell me what to do , getting in a state

[kookypooky]

have had problems with ds2 (12)for a while. hes 3 weeks into a new school and problems are arising again. the last school thought he might have aspergers and we are waitng for assessment.

last night ds2 was in trouble when i found out that he had secretly created a facebook account after i said he couldnt. instead of being sorry he was angry and spent until midnight kicking , banging and shouting from his bed upstairs.

this morning hes still angry and insulting me abd behaving really horrible. we had a doctors appointment as he has somnehow got an inflamed jaw joint.
we leave the doctors to go back to school (we walk) and hes going on and on , he wont have the tablets etc etc and hes saying he hatres his life , he hates me, he might aswell be dead etc.
we get near the school and he refuses to go any furthur saying that if he goes as he is he will punch someone or something ( never has before)
i have spent ages near the school tryin to reason with him to no avail. i was going to phone the school but that was making him really go off grabbing me , the phine etc.
i have agreed to come back home whilst he calms down and then send him.
i dont know what to do. i dont know if he will calm down, doesnt look like it.
its like he just goes mad and turns into a raving lunatic . people cant believe when i tell them . the school have a few concerns though.
please help. im in limbo here. just want to cry .

KP

Your mums's a fat lot of use isn't she?. Would not waste any more breath on her.

Is there anyone else you can talk to instead?. Neighbour, friend etc?.

What did you make of the replies posted in response to your post on Relationships?.

i aggreed with what was said. I am just too damn scared to go it alone. if i only had ds1 to worry about it wouldnt be so bad but i can barely cope with ds2 at the moment.
i have a book about writing a good cv , i was planning on doing that and trying to get a job but after today i am thinking that i may never keep a job if i am having all these probs with ds2 .
i feel less than healthy all the time aswell.
constant terrible headaches and i have an ongoing stomach problem.
god, i sound like a right whinger

Hi KP,

I hope you and your son have a better day tomorrow but you need to speak to the school on Monday and talk to the SENCO who is there.

No you are not a whinger; you are someone who is understandably finding things very difficult at present. Your man is making things worse for you, not better.

Parentline Plus is very good if you want to talk to them, they are very helpful and may be able to give you some pointers. I'll put up a link for you.

Womens Aid can help you with regards to your awful man; you need though to take that first (and hardest) step to contact them. You are all living a pitiful semi existance under his roof with currently with him holding the purse strings (IIRC he spent a grand on some guitar, money that you didn't really have?). Its no life for you all, he will destroy you all ultimately if you stay. You really don't want your children learning from him about how to treat women.

They are now called Familylives

www.familylives.org.uk.

kooky where in the country are you?

"Whinger?" No never - you are someone who is being asked to cope with the impossible, and you know what? Tough though it is you are doing it. Not man who is more of a child than the kids YOU ALONE are dealing with this!

Concentrate on calming yourself down. If you can have looong bath and a decent night's kip. Monday will be soon enough to talk to the school.

Leave your hubbie to his games for now, and when you feel up to it take Attila's advice - it's very, very good. Deal with the "adult man" once you are through the exhaustion you must be feeling from today and DS.

KP - hoping that your ds is feeling a bit calmer now and you are having a chance to have a cup of tea and a breather yourself.

I can understand your ds' frustration re: the fb account. The Internet is a great boon to teens who are struggling socially (providing they don't encounter online bullying that is ) because they can take things slowly, think about their responses, control the interaction to some extent and reflect on what works and what doesn't. They can adopt a persona and experiment with socialisation knowing they can always leave if it goes wrong.

Would your ds be happy with contributing to a message board if you can find a friendly one? - there must be boards for teens with AS out there or people who are struggling with low self-esteem and depression.

It does sound to me as if your boy could be wrestling with depression - the self-loathing and anger, the negativity - and of course the pain won't help! I think he needs your acceptance more than anything and to be reassured that you will not give up until things are better for him. Perhaps what he needs most from you right now is to know that you see his pain and his despair and his misery and anger and you can take it. (Even if you feel you can't )

Could you go back to the GP, and ask for more help and a referral to an educational psychologist? I would certainly not accept the school being vague about your child's support - he should have an IEP with targets and how they plan to support him and what strategies they are going to use.

Have children yelling at me, will check for updates later, I do hope you're OK as it does sound as if you need a lot more support than you're getting from your mum and dp... on your behalf.

i am in manchester.
i feel so touched that people who dont even know me care enough to reply and give advice. thanks a million .

Big Hugs Kooky, you really need them. Hope ds is bit calmer now. FWIW i think you did right thing keeping ds off school would probably be too stressful to both of you. Sorry that your mum or dh are not being supportive at all, the 2 people you really need help from. Hope things much calmer at home now and over weekend and that you manage to get some time to yourself. Have wee or and lots chocolate. lots of hugs xxx

thankyou, hug gratefully received !
remember as a kid and you put your arms crossed and around yourself to make it look like someone was smooching with you ? i actually did that to myself the other day when i was upset just so it would feel nice...my god how sad...maybe i shouldnt admit to that lol nutter alert !

Right kooky im going to give you my opinion of what I understand about your life and give you some idea of the things my 12 year old AS/ASD. Boy needs. ( disclaimer : I don't know you, or your lovely lad, I'm just going to try and give some perspective)

firstly you are feeling unwell very probably due to the amount of stress your under.
Having a child where you are questioning ASD is hard enough ( honestly the bit before dx Is horrid).
What both you and your ds needs ( just IMO) is structure, reasurrance help and understanding.
So now you need to ask yourself what you need to do to gain those things for both you and your boy.

It's the unstructured, not knowing what is going on feeling let down which is making this worse for you both.

So prioritise what has to change and do it.
If your scared of leaving your H because you won't cope, love your coping already when he's working away.

If you don't want to leave then don't but your ds needs something steady. Even if it's that he knows what days H will be home or which days are just mum days.

You can't stop your ds having issues, you can help him deal with them and life will get better for the both of you.

Seriously make a list of what needs to change, and find out who can help you do this.

My ds needs structure, routine, saftey ( school isn't always a safe place for him), love, reasurrance, and someone who will explain this mad social world and how to navigate it to him.

Dont think your sad or nutter, lol. think you are in desperate need of tlc. your doing a fantastic job as a mum and lord knows how you stay calm with your dh. try and forget about him for today/nite. perhaps your ds picks up on problems in your relationship?, which maybe doesnt help things. Not for me to say, and definite easier said when its not me in situation, but surely you would be better on your own with 2 dc than with dh who doesnt seem to consider you. Do realise it would be huge step and hard to follow through but maybe your health would be much better too if you never had added strain of unsupportive dh. hope you dont think im too forward saying this, its just i really do feel for you. xx

thanx i appreciate everyones views. i will try to think and write things down later carrotcake.

Aw I am far too far away to do anything practical then

Keep posting on here and folk will try and help.

Hope DS is calmer x