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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

I am failing I feel like crap!! just a rant sorry!!!

26 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/03/2011 12:09

I am so worn out and am sat here in tears.

Its all too much - I know I am a rubbish mum. Yesterday I shouted at DS1 that DS2 was just acting normal unlike him i feel so bad for that.

He had been on a wind up all day and I lost my temper after 7 hours of his behaviour.

Why can't he just behave at home like he does for my mum?

Why do I have to go through 2 days of him running round like a bull in a china shop every week after he stays with mum for the weekend?

Why do I feel so bloody crap and like I want to run away?

Why can't I have the little boy he was rather than the boy he is now, the one who used to laugh and play but now is sullen and rarely laughs no matter what I try?

I want him to sleep more than 5 hours a night I am worn out"!!!!

OP posts:

MADABOUTTHEBOY2000 · 14/03/2011 12:52

you are NOT a crap mum ,ive been like this myself all weekend tearfull depressed then on sunday night i though FFS now i really AM letting them all down DS is hard work 24/7 were not saints they always play up more as with us they are at home and can be themselves when there at school and sometimes with certain family or friends there a joy but thats not the real them they are holding it all in untill back home with good ole mum he obviously loves you to bits and knows generally you can withstand anything and no matter what he does mum will always love him, relax while hes at school take a bath read a book something anything, get him a new video anything that will concentrate his attentions (my ds gets addicted to a certain film or game) i know its not great but as i was told by CAMHS they need to concentrate on something to block the distractions and sensory things out so for ds its his way of calming himself...the others exercise get a trampoline take him to Tae kwon do or judo so he can learn how to use all that energy positively sounds like you do need a rest can mum have him a bit longer? and get her to use the same stratagies you do for continuity .. whatever happens your doing your best its the hardest job in the worls being a parent let alone one whos disabled or with sn dont be hard on yourself get a mate round some wine n chocs and nothing wrong with having a good old sob now n then

amberlight · 14/03/2011 13:02

((((((((hugs)))))))) in a very unmumnsetty way

Does it make a difference if he gets to hide in a tent (pop-up/home made out of sheets anda couple of chairs) with a duvet to wrap round himself if he gets too hyper? Works for me And something heavy to sleep under helps me too.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/03/2011 13:20

Its just so hard at the moment. I have as I said on a previous post dealt with him as a naughty boy for so long as that is what Dr's basically said - although deep down I knew different.

Its all the stress of school as well for me as I am always getting calls from the school about him and his behaviour - they expect me to have the answers and I just don't I don't have them for myself!!!

I need to get him a heavy blanket as he has asked for one.

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MADABOUTTHEBOY2000 · 14/03/2011 13:35

totally same here TheLady its constant at home and calls from school and he even has it impregnated on his brain hes naughty and no one likes him, the heavy blanket helps my ds too its a comfort hide from the world thing i think worries me he wraps himself like a cocoon i go in to make sure he can breathe most night hes so hidden under there, you cant possibly have all the answers the tent thin amberlight my ds used to do when he was younger he likes that he ate in there played in there it was his little space alone away from the world i guess, now its under the covers on his bed and he will play alone up there all day come down n eat and go back up it makes me feel bad like hes not joining in as one of the family but i guess its whatever makes him happy is more important has he a dx yet TheLady ?

amberlight · 14/03/2011 13:44

Has the school done a sensory-disability audit of the classroom and the school day? They should arrange one, if not.

I go into schools to help them understand what the school environment is like for someone like me, since I'm able to spot the hazards for us and explain them (whereas standard 'experts' know the principles but don't have a sensory system that can actually spot them in real life!)
It can make a big difference.

Schools also need to be able to set aside a quiet zone for children who are struggling, so that they can relax away from sensory and social input for a while. Playgrounds at lunchtime are great for most children, but it's like being plunged over a 100ft waterfall after swimming against the tide all morning, for us. Just totally exhausting. By the time we're out of school, we're deranged with sensory pain/exhaustion.

MADABOUTTHEBOY2000 · 14/03/2011 13:54

when they are younger they come out of school like a machine gun going off where they have been holding it all in for so long i used to find now its at school and home the same they have got to be totally exhausted mentally with all that input and senory overload the other day my neighbours house alarm was going off i hadnt heard it s the sound was projecting over the road not sideways it was quite low tone to me but suddenly DS started screaming i though he hurt himself there he was hidding under the cushions in the family room screaming make it stop

auntevil · 14/03/2011 13:54

Rant away LadyEvenstar - everyone needs to vent every so often. You would have to be non-human to withstand day in day out wind ups. You know that a large part of the behaviour he cannot help. As Madabouttheboy said - he plays you up the most as you are his safety net. It's a very backhanded compliment - but still a compliment.
What kind of safety net can you find for yourself? do you get a break at all when he stays at your mums?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/03/2011 14:10

I don't get a break really as I have DS2 as well. Although I do escape to the pub every Friday

The school have done nothing except ask me to find info for them to deal with him in school and tell me he doesn't help himself when explaining things to staff...ffs he is 12yrs old.

Yes we have had a dx of aspergers, odd and sensory issues. I mean it has only taken since he was 4.5yrs old!

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amberlight · 14/03/2011 14:12

Arrgh - can I join you in the pub??!

That's not any sort of useful response by the school. What are they thinking of??!

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/03/2011 14:18

you are more than welcome to join me as long as this Friday you don't mind dressing up as it is tramps and tarts night lol

I am not sure what answers they are looking for but as I said I don't have them for myself let alone anyone else.

My sister won't believe anything is "wrong" with DS1 as he can control himself for up to a week when at my mums and doesn't scream etc

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MADABOUTTHEBOY2000 · 14/03/2011 14:20

i know where your comming from my DS is ASD and now at SS 11 next month ive ds2(15) DD1 (14) so ive got this all going on and two stroppy teens at same time DH is AS too so not too much help in that dept its so good you get out the only time i go out is appointments, meetings and asda i dont drink as DS takes so much handling (hes as big as me) so gave it up a few years ago bloomin wish i did though its so stressfull int it , for my DS the outreach team sent someone from the ASD SS to give them advice shouldnt they ask them not you to do that? i dont know if im right just thats what I suggested at a multi agency meeting as they didnt come up with any ideas and your right i mean these are dc's with communication difficulties of course he wont ask or explain himself well to staff

MADABOUTTHEBOY2000 · 14/03/2011 14:22

so sorry im not helping just ranting too shitty weekend

auntevil · 14/03/2011 14:35

Is the Lady going to be a tramp?

amberlight · 14/03/2011 14:46

So is there a sensory difference at your mum's place? Is it somewhere quieter, e.g. side road rather than main road? There could be a physical difference for the change in what he can handle...

(shall get my low cut top and white stilettos out )

auntevil · 14/03/2011 14:59

Can i be cheeky, LadyEvenstar - but if your DS plays you and the school up, is he honestly a total angel for a week at your mums? What are her expectations of him, does she let him get away with some behaviours that you would try to stop? Or is there another reason that he feels that he has to behave when he is at hers? I have a DS that is an angel at school - but a devil outside, but it goes with all family and outside areas. Your DS seems to play up at school and you - but not your mum. So it's not just you. As Amberlight says, what are the differences?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/03/2011 17:41

TheLady is going Burlesque (don't forget the mini skirt lol)

At mums it is just her and him so is much quieter, DS1 is 12 DS2 is 3 and a typical 3yr old.

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LIZS · 14/03/2011 17:50

iirc the issue is with your mum who indulges his every whim, feeds him crap, lets him stay up late etc Then when he returns home, overstimulated, and you try to instil some regime into him he reacts. It is confusing for him. He may seem like he is in control there but he isn't really, just steaming and bottling up a mixture of emotions which he eventually cannot control. Emotionally he is less mature than his years. Yours is a relatively safe environment for him ot let off steam in. However he also has to learn for himself where the parameters lie and hwo to control his behaviour within them - with you and school.

Have you been on any NAS courses yet ? Has your p moved out now ?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/03/2011 21:05

Liz, 6m ago yes mum was the problem. However she has been doing the same things as I as in the rules I have etc.

She also now only gives him the foods I allow as in she doesn't let him have crap anymore.

DP and I have had counselling and are working on things I have to say we have been getting on brilliantly and having much more fun together as a family since.

I am looking at NAS site now.

OP posts:

LIZS · 14/03/2011 21:13

Pleased to hear it. Maybe he just feels he needs to make his presence known and is competing for attention ?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/03/2011 21:17

Liz, I don't know.
He comes in from school like a whirlwind just as he does when he comes back from mums. Then will skulk off to his room and I won't see him again until dinner and off he goes again. As long as I don't step into that time of his then he remains calmish but if i talk to him while he is in his space then all hell breaks loose.

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pigletmania · 15/03/2011 23:35

big hugs TLE your not a crap mum at all, normal imo

pigletmania · 15/03/2011 23:37

dont be hard on yoruself, I feel like that about my dd, though i am much better with her since going on the Hanen Course, but sometimes its like banging my head against a brick wall.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 17/03/2011 10:23

Sorry for not replying I have been stressing out big time here.

I have just got off the phone from a Dr's p.a who was meant to write DS1's report up in Febuary but still hasn't done it.

OP posts:

amberlight · 17/03/2011 13:14

Arrgh = that's a heck of a delay?

MADABOUTTHEBOY2000 · 17/03/2011 17:41

omg thats so awful the LA stall enough without all the "experts" [lol] doing same kick em up the bum and have a

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