Advice needed - quickly...

[countdowntoxmas]

My DS has a statement for ASD, is in MS and been coping very well so far. Has a 1 to 1 who now appears to have been put into a jobshare with the TA, so in our opinion is not given the time that he has been allocated with her. However, his confidence has grown over the past year and a half (he is in Year1), mainly due to the fact that he has made close friendships.
When I asked him who he sat with at lunch (he usually sits with the same two people who are close friends), he said that he did not sit near those two as the teachers said that he was not allowed to sit with them anymore. When I asked the teacher about this, it transpired that this was as a result of the mother of one of the children saying that she did not want her son to sit with my son any more.
My son has done nothing wrong. He can sometimes be over-affectionate but as a result, he has been isolated from the two people that he regarded as friends. I have seen the boy be extremely rude to my son (examples being - get out of the way, I can't see the TV, when my son was merely saying hello to him) and the mother has not intervened in the slightest, but should I put up with the fact that he says that he is no longer allowed to play/ sit next to his two 'proper friends' when he has done nothing wrong? He is not aggressive - very passive - if anything. I am fuming as he has done so well to integrate into ms. I need advice as the best way to approach this.

I would be seeing the head in the morning and asking why my son is being segregated from his peers on the orders of another parent.

My DS has ASD, is in MS and in year one. I would be fuming in your shoes.

Is it that the other child feels uncomfortable at your son's over affectionate ways? Or is it the mum who has a problem? Obviously children can't be forced to sit together if one child doesn't want to, but this is something that needs discussing

I would want to know what was being done in school to encourage his social skills with his classmates and encourage friendhsips (does he have a friendship group/circle for example?).

Another thought: seems to me this boy's mum is not very nice, and the little boy is not particularly kind or polite either! Time to encouarge him to expand further on his friends?

It sounds like your DS is making godd progress and doing well though hold onto that, as a mum with a child on the spectrum myself, it really is a lovely thought.

Oh the poor lad . Is there an issue with the third boy as well? If not then why has your ds been separated from him as well?
Ds1 can be over affectionate. And rather too brutally honest at times. It makes for a rather interesting combination.

I would agree that you need to find out why they have separated them. It could be that the other child needs a break from the affection; conversely it could be that they are trying to foster friendships between your DS and other children.

As regards the 1:1 - I may have misunderstood but does that mean that his support is being split so that part of it is being given by a dedicated LSA and part by a TA - if so then from our experience, the more people involved the better so that there is less over reliance on one person which can be difficult if that person leaves / is off sick etc. If on the other hand you are saying that the LSA is being allocated additional workload that takes them away from your DS leaving him without support then this does need to be addressed by the school.

Thanks for your advice. Does anyone know off-hand if there is something in the SEN code of practice where it says that parents should be consulted over any important decisions made regarding the child? I don't know why the third child is being involved,. It was always the three of them and now I have been told that both my DS and the son whose mother complained have been given new lunchtime 'buddies'. My DS has been given two girls, and the boy whose mother complained has retained the other friend. I think the mother (who is very 'nice' to me in person) had more to do with it than her son. The thing is my son has stopped being so affectionate, by having a 'kiss and cuddle chart' whereby he puts a tick every time he wants to be affectionate with a friend and brings it home to me to give the kisses here. He has done so well on that and stopped manifesting his affections so much at school. This is why the whole thing is making me fume...

countdowntoxmas

The SEN COP has a whole chapter on "Working in Partnership with Parents" and it's a theme that permeates the whole SEN framework.

They should always consult and inform you.

School are being very stipid in separating him from his friend on a whim of the friend's parent. What sort of message does that send to a) your son b) about the school and c) how they deal with children who need support.

truly abysmal

Trying to get all my notes together now. Before giving them to the school, should I contact Partnership with Parents and his case officer to see if they can offer additional advice or should I go in first thing to see the head and class teacher with my notes regarding what I feel they have done wrong and outline why they are being discrimanatory?

I would find out first the reason the mother gave before you mention your notes. If there has been any sort of incident it may well put a different slant on things. Not that I'm suggesting there has been, but kids can be pretty unreliable, the other boy may have gone home and told his mum your son hit him for all you know, which may explain the mums action.
Not saying he did or that's what happened, but I think you need all the facts first before you go in too heavy handed.

That will be the very first thing addressed fenyman. Thanks for that

Just finished writing the letter and so angry and upset that I have to resort to such a humiliating task. As you quite rightly pointed out, , it would have been a completely different matter if the mother had complained about his religion/ race. She would have been completely in the wrong. Surely complaints against a disability in any shape or form should hold the same amount of 'weight' IFYSWIM. But for some reason they don't, and I don't know why I should have to spend so much time writing to defend my son when he has done nothing wrong. AAArrrggghhhhh

i agree with feynman , its wrong of the school to do this though without asking you to come in and explain, but in my experience of MS with my DS so far (hes in yr 6) and its his second middle school , the staff just often dont understand ASD well at all they know certain things about it but not the full extent of all its little foibols and excentricities if you like so what we as parents of ASD children know to be normal ASD behaviour the children parents and staff often find unaceptable ie space invading, over friendliness, being so physical in any way, speaking too honestly, some of these schools just cant and dont know how to cope ith it as they are also stuck in the middle when it comes to perhaps a parent complaining (if they have) there isnt always a straightforward answer to make things better, my DS has no real friends at school just people who they make play with him and is knowas ive overheard to my horror a child point him out and say look mummy there DS hes the naughty boy i told you about... we are in process of trying to get him sent to a SS , but good luck , do you know the parents of the two children might be worth explaining to them , although angers me people are so ill imformed and we have to go around constantly explaining and feeling we have to almost appologise for our children

I feel the same as feynman and baileyandtinks. You need the whole story first, so there are no surprises. My DS often feels more like a coat when he's talking to you he's so draped over. I have seen 'friends' at school have to push him back to talk to him so he is not in their face. It doesn't mean their not friendly with him, but need their space.
It could be something as simple as the boy went home to his mum and said that although he liked your DS, he was fed up always sitting with him for lunch and wanted to be able to choose. His mum may have mentioned to the teacher that she wanted her DS to sit by whoever he wanted. None of that would have been unreasonable. This may just be a how the school has handled this issue. It imo is unprofessional for the teacher to 'blame' the parent for wanting her son not to sit next to yours. If the school has made this decision for them not to sit next to each other, i am sure it would not only be on a parents say so. I am assuming that the school too must have accepted that this situation needed to be 'dealt' with, but it is the schools responsibility for it - not the other parent.

Have been told that everything put in my letter to them was stories and I had completely misinterpreted the situation. I am shocked by the way I was talked to and really don't know what to do. In my letter, I asked the head to call a meeting to discuss it but have not heard a word from him.

you could ask PP to go with you?

what is PP?

Parent Partnership?

yes sorry parent partnership there fantastic and will be a voice for you if you ask and make phonecalls write letters go with you to meetings and give great advice give them a ring

Class teacher said that the isolation/ exclusion had not happened, despite her writing about separating the children in the home/ school book. Letter addressed to head, and Ccd to class teacher and parent. The parent came to see me and we discussed the situation calmly, realising that we are both naturally wanting to act in the best interests of our dc.

I asked for an urgent meeting to be called to discuss my points made, and the headmaster has not replied. The class teacher said that she could not talk too much as she had to talk to the head. Absolutely nothing written in his home/ school book today. Have I done the wrong thing in writing the letter? I just could not let it go though.

Will def phone up PP