reality check

[TwiceUponATime]

my ds is 5.5 and since last summer things have gone from bad to worse
All of the sudden he started having what I think is called melt downs. Out of the blue he will have this urge to escape. This has happened in parks, restaurants, supermarkets, busy market, places where running loose is quite dangerous.
At first I was reacting as if it was a naughty thing but things escalated quickly and I had to learn to react fast and grab him, hold him close to my heart very firm.
He would bang his head back and fort, punch the air, legs and arms all over the place, kick me and bite me, if he can reach for my hair he pulls and takes lot of talking gently before he would let it go. While I hold him he shouts at me also bad words and says he hates me and he is going to leave me, go away with train somewhere.
These melt-down have been one every 6 weeks at first but since school started have become less intense but more frequent.
I think they are less intense because I can see them coming.
A trigger factor would be if he does s/t and he is asked to say sorry. This is what happened 2 days ago in the park. He was playing with friends from school hide and seek and pulled a girl's hair. She run towards me saying what happened so I started walking towards him. Normally he will run off somehow I was so quick and held him and it kicked off.
Teachers at school have said "I need to do something about his behaviour"
He has always had problems to say sorry from the first time he heard that word.
His feet are restless, doesn't sit properly, get very distracted, have problem to look at people in the face, when he wants to do something children related is extremely shy and would like me to talk to children or adult to ask things for him
He also has some language impediment, fixation on robbers, he is recently very scared of dark even inside home. He gets very frustrated at learning new things, he scream senseless since he is a new born baby if water goes into his eye this is even if he actually can enjoy swimming lesson.
He cannot kick still with his feet or hold a position whether is in sport or music workshop at the same time he does take in all the info and he is able to talk about it at home.
We do everything together and he is used to large places and large crowds. He is normally happy in Supermarkets loves to fill up his own trolly with his favorite food for example, so a busy and large envirounment is not automatically hostile to him, Same with markets he normally loves browing around. I have also taken him to a few concerts an loved them so much.
He has problem with numbers and letters but we often play with it and he is the first to ask and show an interest outside about signs, number plates etc
I have red through list of symptoms of the most common child disorder and I am really panicking
Looks like Dyspraxia, ASD and even many symptoms of RAD
I have run through my head the first 2 years of our life together and I can honestly say we had such a great time considering but I did have a big trauma while pregnant.
Sorry this post is very disorganised but head is full of quickly acquired information and the idea that after years of struggling as a single mum I may be in even for bigger and more serious stuff to deal with which to be honest I was not ready for
Can anyone help me to get a grasp of what is happening?

Hiya Twice. My suggestion to you is to got to see your child's GP. If you tell her/him what is going off and say you suspect that he may be on the spectrum, they should refer you to the Community Paediatrician, and they will be your starting point for help and advice.

Rubbish that your DS's school say "you need to do something about his behaviour". Now you have googled, can you arrange to have a meeting with them in the meantime and suggest things to them, see how receptive they are?

My experience is that ASD has an age of seeming to get worse, but I think it's more that the child has developed ways of communicating that they can't cope with the situation better - i.e. meltdowns.

Yes rubbish ref school isnt it?
I felt put on the spot as if it was all my fault
As I asked to you think he may have attention deficit they just said "do not put label on a child"...as if!

Right - so they said "do not label" and yet they have labelled him as "naughty" if they are telling you to do something about his behaviour. You will not get anywhere unless you get referred from your GP by the sound of your school.

I have appointment for next week both GP and therapist tbh
I fell the label and fear he already does too, he says things he break my heart, and I have shouted at him too and also said stupid to him. I am ashamed I lost it s/t but he has been difficult for long time. I spoke about his difficulties and my concerns to GP through, teachers, or other mums for what it matters, and response was always it was normal behaviour and I needed to be more assertive and now all of the sudden BANG... problem

I fell the label and fear
sorry I meant i FEEL the label
I can see it every day I take him school. Parents and kids look at us with concern. It is a small school and I am the only single mum, they are families of 2 or 3 siblings

Get referred to the paediatrician as soon as possible.

motherjack is right. They HAVE labelled him as naughty. Don't shout at him. It's bloody hard not to sometimes, but you need to stay in control and show him how to do the same. My DS gets even worse as soon as he hears a cross tone of voice.

Sometimes smaller schools are completely crap at dealing with special needs.

And as for the parents and kids at school? Well, they might be smug now but their time will come.

As a single mother in this situation you need support from the school, not being told you need to do something about his behaviour.

Stick around here. PLenty of advice and experience to be had.

Twice you sound like a lovely mum who is doing a good job in difficult circumstances. You clearly have concerns about whether your son has a developmental disorder. That in itself is a very good reason for him to be assessed so you need to go to your GP and ask for a referral. Don't take your son with you because you won't be able to have a frank discussion in front of him.

You need to make it clear to school that you will manage his behaviour at home and back up their behaviour management where appropriate but when he is at school they need to manage his behaviour. All children behave differently in different environments and you can't be held responsible for their inability to manage him in school. You need to find a way to work as a team so offer strategies which work at home but don't allow them to lay it all at your door.

Lastly by RAD do you mean reactive attachment disorder? Is there something is his history which could have seriously damaged his ability to form relationships? What you describe sounds like quite the opposite so put that one out of your head straight away. ASD can look like RAD but rest assured he doesn't hate you. He may be upset and confused and his secure attachment to you allows him to lash out at you because he knows that you will still love him anyway.

HTH

The same is happen with my son and I am also a single mum.

There is noises being made about attachment disorder, ASD and ADHD with my son too.

Really hard to cope with and especially as a single mum. I feel not only a loss for my son but I also feel a little bit overwelmed about what is about to happen.

I am just at the start of the process so others are probably best placed to advise... I don't mind a bit of mutual sobbing though

breath deeply
Sorry I haven't come to update but I was in such a bad state that I had to 1-calm down, 2- re gain some of faith in my own ability to cope, 3 take practical steps

Fisrt of all I had a chat with teachers. I used as an example a couple of things I had witnessed my self and told them how I think they should handle him and what they were doing wrong. I saw them very interested in what I was saying which gave me, I must admit, a little boost. I also told them that I can see he enjoys school and is very happy to get up and go, like never before and I find him ok at home so they have to find a way to re adjust to him. (Was I wrong?)

I had an app with Child Therapist has know our history since ds was 3 months but could not afford to see anymore since 2 years ago (when I most needed her)

She suggested she would carry on seeing me and that I may take ds to another therapist. I had first meeting without ds today.

She took lots of notes and will see ds in a forthnight
I gave all the break down of his traits, personality, etc
I also mentioned I am aware some traits can be found in Asperger, Dispraxia etc....
She asked me how do I know of these terms that put me off her tbh but hey... I just said I have got time on my hand when ds is in bed and I read a lot

Al1son yes I did refer to attachment disorder, ds had even started rocking which was omething I had been telling myself, ooooh he doesnt do that and he has always had a great relationship with his poo.

Feeling much better m/s has obviously made a great impact on his behaviour but he still has melt down, shorter and low impact, especially when I want to take him home after a play date.
We even managed to speak - in children terms - about anger

Hope I am on the right track.
I was allowing him to be considered a nuisance and naughty and make himself a bit a fool of himself with peers. My aim is to be his side and stick up for him instead of looking around for adult support (which is what I was doing)

Can anyone tell me if this sounds ok or am I missing a point or whatever please?

Thank you

Sounds like you are doing everything right and you are really on the right track. Everything you have said about him is consistant with ASD.

I would from now on assume he has ASD until you get a firm dx. Tell school you are getting him assessed for ASD and in the mean time they need to assume he might have it and accomidate him as such.

Don't listen to everyone telling you it's normal behaviour. People always say that. I don't know why. Itdoes not sound like normal behaviour.

Also don't listen to anyone telling you he's naughty. Again it really doesn't sound like he is.

Good luck and stay strong. We're all here for you.

hello I read your other post then came over to this one. Sorry to hear things are difficult at the moment. I think you need to follow your what you think is right eg go for assessments to have him checked for special needs.
I think if it was me and you strongly feel that way look into ways of how to help children who have these needs. Work with those ways for a while. It is difficult to help as each child is an differant. What may work well with one may not have any effect with another.
I work with learning dis. He seems bright enough that he may respond to a reward chart have you tried that resently? reward him for each day he gets through the day without a meltdown with something he likes. Count downs when you are leaving eg 10 more minutes, 7 mins , 5, 1 more then we are going, stick in there you do want to earn your reward today? To remind him before the minute is over!!
work with the do's instead or not's . eg explain the behaviour you want and keep on reminding him. When we are in the resturant you need to sit down nicely.
I have a 13 year old and he went through that at 2 meltdowns. They are a nightmare. He was also very tired when he went to school at first and grumpy! He has turned out quite ok.!
Keep posting and getting some support x

thank you
I forgot to mention something, who knows it may work for somebody else.
Last week he wanted to do s/t and I said there is not time to do that, bedtime in 10 minutes
He screamed what is ten minutes I dont know what ten minute is YOU are not telling me!
I remembered I had an hourglass so I fetch it and put it (slammed it ) on the table Saying look, turn it twice you get 10 minute

He stood looking at it so fascinated with it that off he went to weewee and brush his teeth kept checking on hourglas run to his bedroom to undress
I couldnt believe it
Glasshour is our friend now

thanx Indigo
I agree, in particular my relatives say it is normal behaviour beside I was worse than him. Nice! And you did nothing about it did you?

thanx for encouragement Happy, glad your ds is doing ok.
Think is, these melt down do they ever go away? What is going to happen as a teenager and as an adult?
As they are quite violent I cant bear thing of it

here is my other link

Twice - there is loads and loads and loads you can do to improve him - once you have a clear idea of what his dx is.

Also depending on how much money you have to throw at the solution.....

Cheap things which are worth starting with are

• Epsom Bath Salts
• Omega Fish Oil

Don't panic now about the future. Decide you are going to do everything you can to help him, then start researching what those things might be, then start doing them :)

Honestly, have a good read of this board. Loads of us have made significant improvements to our children using a wide variety of techniques.....

Hi huni hope things are not too bad. The meltdowns as you say I call it kicking off lol!! If you are use distraction quickly before it starts brill if you can sence one on its way otherwise they are best ignored where it is possible, I expect you already know this. I know some places it isn't possible believe I do know!! Have had eight year old to heavy for me to carry with global developental delay sat on the pavement/beach ect refusing to move screaming her head off very loudly many a times!
Just try not to get into handling him until he is calmer. This tends to make them come out of it quicker.Just let him get his frustration out and over and done with as quickly as possible.
Try and write down what occured just before the temper starts, what happened during the what action you took after. Of course from memory later to try and look for triggers.
Wising you calmness x

Of course from memory later to try and look for triggers.

That made me smile
Picture me standing with notepad, pen and glasses taking note while he's kicking off...
Very tempting to try though

Got some Omega Fish Oil....
dont have a bath only shower...maybe can get him into old lady foot bath (idea)