darkest fear pls help

[TwiceUponATime]

I am a LP and my ds is 7yr. He has never met the father. To cut a long story short I suspect the father was/is a sweet and charming psychopath. Heart in a good place but totally damaged.
I can give more details if needed.
In spite of it all me and my ds had very nice first 3 years. Gradually ds started to be more and more angry, short tempered, sad, grumpy, bossy and yet very needy, and during the last year/year and half he has started having melt down which are getting more frequents and more violent.
I have been bitten, kicked in my shin and spoken angry bad words. More and more frequently in front of his peers and other mums leaving everybody in disbelief.
I cannot get it out of my head that he may have some issue and that he may have s/t, whatever father did.
It is horrible and I feel very guilty even to have such thoughts. I know he needs all my support and that I should not even dare thinking such things. I have to admit that it is playing a lot on my mind and I do not know how to stop as when I am tired - most of time really - I feel like giving up.
I am seeing a pro to deal with my trauma, and also a child psychologist starting next week.
I would like to hear from other women who have experience such feelings and how they dealt with it

sorry ds is 5 (not 7 could not find how to edit after posting)

you are getting the help your DS needs - while probably your ex never did. so you can get in there now and stop him turning into your ex.

what ahve school said?
has something happened?

I cannot get it out of my head that he may have some issue and that he may have s/t, whatever father did.

What does s/t mean?

Teachers say the same, it is not listening, not getting involved with activities much, doesn't do what he is told and he is full of anger. He has started to through things around. They do not think it is something to worry (sic) but he needs help fast. He will be observed by school doc too while playing at the end of the month.
Everybody has plenty of advice but I do not get any practical help and I am extremely tired. Really annoying they are also saying what is going on in the ''house''. The house is me and him! no much else to blame. And yes I am going to blow

I think you need to calm down and accept he needs your help here. If they look into his homelike, which they will need to do, you need to accept this, it's for the long term good!! Maybe family therapy?

TotrmPole I meant that ds may have some kind of ''disorder'' who may be genetic. I do not even know much about it, it is an irrational fear, but I am aware of certain condition, for example the x-fragile is genetic.

Also so frustrating to keep hearing if he was my child I would sort him out, as I am neglecting him and have not tried my best ever since.

In fact I had concerned and notice peculiar behaviours and idiosyncrasies but was always reassured it was normal and age appropriate
All of the sudden he is out of control!
Helloooo I have been there telling all along
If this makes sense

and yes I do need to calm down
Tiffany Family therapy meaning me and him having sessions together?

I have no idea yet, have been told we may get offered them as I'm having terrible trouble with my teen dd, beyond the realms of normal teen behaviour too.

It's normal to look at genetic problems....... Her dad has a personality disorder, so naturally wonder if she the same

All worrying I know! I am on my own with5 dc and no local help, so I sympathise

OP Stop panicking. Boys of 5 often get a bit 'above themselves' as they settle at school and become comfortable they then feel they can start testing boundaries big time.
Have you discussed how he feels about not having a Dad around? I know with my DCs this became an issue when they started at school and heard other kids talking. My youngest was very bothered by this for while between 4-6 years old. I talked to him about having lots of other family that loved him a lot.
Other family might be really helpful here. If you've got a sensible GP perhaps they could have a talk?
My mum gave me some good advice, think of yourself as a queen and children your subjects! Sounds weird I know but you have to make sure you are treated with respect, your favours are earned so that they are appreciated eg lifts, days out, treats, No means no and consequences always followed through.
But other thing to remember is if you are kind, considerate, courteous that is what your children will learn to be too (eventually!)
I really do think that most of how children turn out is nurture NOT nature. And remember all DCs go thro some horrible phases (usually about 3-6 months) BUT they pass.
I'm glad you're both getting DCs to professionals as they will rule out anything major and you can tackle problems in the usual ways.
Hope some of this helps. Please try not to get too worried I'm sure they'll both turn out lovely in the end - it's just a case of surviving the horrible phases!

Not much to add, but I know how hard it is dealing with bad behaviour as a lone parent.
You sound like a lovely Mum and I'm sure you do your very best.

I think I was panicking last night

ILTiffany thank you for encouragement. As a mother of 5dc (wow) I am sure you can see clearly that your dd is clearly different while your parenting style has been the same with all of them iyswim

Pickgo I know you mean well but trust me when I say that what you suggest it is my way of dealing with my son. At least till the melt down started. We had the naughty step, the time out, spend lots of time outdoor, walking playing with simple things, very little TV, no one night has gone without a bed time story....
I do not think I am a rude person and even my relatives (which are not the most supportive type) used to say they never thought I would be such a patient and calm mother

If I keep thinking he is just a badly educated child and I failed him it will not be any benefit to him I know.

He displays all the traits of ADHD, ASD and even Attachment Disorder, which I have been reading about in the last few nights and yes.... brought panic onto me!

In the SN section of MN there are so many threads about it, all describing the same behaviours by mother who are at the end of their tether

What is difficult for me is that when d.s. hit me I have to controll myself because he reminds me of ''that'' person and I feel sick.

I will ask my mother if I displayed the same syntoms as a child myself. You never know, it may be me who was wrong. To make matter worst I have been reading also about adult with ADHD.... so I question even my own upbringing

How to make sense of this is still very tough.
I hardly slept but I will try to log off and go and pick up ds and go for a long walk in the forest.... may clear my head
Pls any positive story and advice on how to deal with it at home most appreciated

OP, when my son was 5 he was an absolute nightmare, sounds very similar to yours. Don't beat yourself up, you're doing a good job, I'll bet it's a phase. I firmly believe children feed from their parents emotions. I think it highly unlikely that your DS has a hereditory type emotional thing going on. He sounds like many 5 year olds to me. Inotice if I'm calm and happy then my son is similarly. I also keep him busy, which really works. he's a lovely little thing now. Good luck.

I had posted on special need as yes I was panicking indeed
If anyone care for reading the update I would love that
That post was more about him, while this is more about me I think
I have done a search for ''why do not have a father" and some old post came up. Read thru but did not find any about father been mental and mum choosing to keep away from him
Rather than opening a new thread I would love to hear from anyone what they would say as questions are getting ''closer''
We are at the stage "Ok he lives far but do you have his phone mum?"

this is the link