I could cry

[Jimjams]

Our IL's - like many- took a long time to accept ds1's SN, but over the last year seemed to take it all on board. MIL visited at Easter and was quite helpful- exhausted at the end of it- and no stupid comments.

We haven't seen them since- but both MIL and FIL are going to be visiting at the end of this month. And suddenly it's like we're back to where we were, and they're just not "getting" it. MIL rang last week and I was saying that my parents were away- but that it wasn't too bad as I was using my direct payments to get someone to help out over tea time. My MIL then started going on about all parents finding tea time difficult, and that's "just being a mother". errr yes, but most mother's of 6 year olds don't have to hand feed their 6 year old whilst feeding their baby at the same time. And most mother's of 6 year olds don't have to 100% supervise that child (otherwise he climbs on the ropy windows risking death- literally) whilst cooking tea- hence the need for a 2nd pair of hands- to keep the children safe. (the others as well- ds1 is back into throwing everything he can find down the stairs- cups of water being the favourite, and is doing some strange thing that involves leaning heavily on ds2's head!).

For some reason the idea that I may require more help than a mother of 3 NT children is highly offensive to her. Social services spent yesterday morning in school with ds1 assessing his needs- it's not like I'm just being handed money because I've aksed for it.

And of course the trouble is it has further ramifications because when we're asked to do something that we can't because of ds1 then we're seen as making a fuss.

I don't want sympathy (god no definitely not), I don't want help from them particularly (they're too far away anyway), but it would be nice not to have to justify every bit of help that we receive.

Soo how do you deal with the little comments. How do you stop caring about them. I'm trying a policy of saying "hmmmmm" to everything stupid whilst whisking my mind off to my g and t on a blacony by the sea, but I know I risk losing it at the end of this month if the remarks continue whilst they are visiting.

I really could cry- they had really got it and now they don't!

Grrrrrr! How bl**dy infuriating for you. Maybe (she says hopefully) it's just because they haven't been around ds1 for so long that they're starting to forget what it's really like for you all. When they turn up at the end of the month and see you all again it might just bring it all back to them IYSWIM.

I know you don't want sympathy but I'm giving you some anyway for having to deal with the in-laws.

Oh, JJ am crap at advice, but wanted to say that you are amazing at coping as well as you do. So many of us (that you've probably never even heard of!) And something like this would tip me over the edge! Hang in there, and hopefully someone a lot more eloquent will come along soon..

argh

my mother rang my husband whilst i was out of work to see 'how he was getting on" . he said i havent been able to have a bath this morning or anything (haha) and she said "go and have one now, the kids will be ok watching the telly he then whent into great detail about he couldnt possibly leave dd on her own ina room and she said he was going over the top[shocvk]

You must be dreading them visiting

I can imagine it would be very hard.

Sorry, no help at all! But will be thinking of you. Just hope it is a lot better than you think

Jimjams, i thought about being as honest with her as you are just there in your post, ie saying 'yes but most 6 year olds don't need to be hand fed and supervised every second' but TBH, i still don't think she'll get it.

I think you can't change her, (and i've read past posts about them and know you've tried to educate them), so you need to change your upset at them.

Basically, try to avoid telling her anything about what goes on day to day and then if she insists on finding out, tell her that you find her comments upsetting! (easier said than done like! )

Hope you're feeing better soon+

Yes, maybe they ahve forgotton how hard it is for you,

Well they are going to find out again!!

it's like banging your head against a brick wall JJ....yesterday i saw a relative of my DH's...and amongst the conversation was her statement that i was a 'lady of leisure now' (cos i'm not at work)...and the best was 'at least you get that money for Tom'...meaning DLA..... and said as a response when i was explaining (again) what Aspergers...ADHD etc means for us as a family etc.

I didn't tell her that I get DLA and so does Leigh now.... i decided that she had a 'sponger' view of me anyway...didn't need to give her more ammo.

The best bit was when i mentioned ADHD...and she said 'but tom isn't naughty'

Infuriates me how EVERYONE asscociates ADHD with being naughty...IT IS NOT JUST THAT!!!

Grrrrrrrrrr and Bldy Grrrrh! To the whole $£6$56%! Lot of them.

JJ...is it worse from your 'inlaws'...or like me do you get this from all family Etc??

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i also meant to add that MEALTIMES are still the WORST part of my LIFE.

I dread simply putting the meal on the table- and when over an hour later leigh is still examining every mouthful b4 it is even allowed to touch his lips...and it's obviously freezing cold by then etc...and yet he continues to eat.....and i have by then exhuasted myself with prompting etc...and have usually sunk into a chair and 'distanced myself'....

well...i HATE mealtimes. I hate bathtimes.... i get no pleasures from such 'simple' things that people like our MIL's think we should both enjoy and cope with.

Jimjams,you really don't need this..
Why are you even wasting energy trying to 'justify'????

I would in fact say this to her,something along the lines of
'Ihave more than enough to deal with without having to explain it all to you.'
Do you pass on reports and assessments?
What does dh say???

JimJams - so sorry.
Actually, if you have tried explaning, and you have come to the end of your ability to do 'wateroffaduck'sbackwateroffaducksbackwateroffaducksback...', then rather than endure the extra burden of her ongoing insensitivity and stupidity, perhaps it is time for you to do what YOU feel like for a change, and lose it with her.

You have to keep the lid on over so many things. You don't owe it to this woman to give yourself such disress on her behalf.

Turn on her, tell her exactly why it isn't bloody 'normal' and how f**g hurtful it is that she doesn't credit you with the intelligence to know what is going on in your own family.

It's ok to 'behave badly' sometimes.

And not much to lose - she isn't a constructive part of your everyday life.

JJ and Fio - Typed a thousand things in reply. But none of them sum it up adequately. So I just wanted to say `I know where you are both coming from'. And no wonder JJ that you are cheesed off with MIL when you thought you were making headway there - lets hope its a temporary blip and the fog will clear from her eyes soon!

It is so depressing when those close to you just dont get it'...I mean how is the rest of world supposed to get it' if they cant!!

My friend upset me at the weekend..
I went to her house the other week for a meet with a few friends. My friend has just been dx with MS, so she is feeling low (understandably). I decided that I wasnt going to have her cook, I said that I would provide dinner - well I turned up with Indian Takeaways from Waitrose and she laughed her head off as she thought I had been going to cook something. This itself was not a problem, I laughed too...and replied...well I did say I would `provide' supper.

Well, at the party we went to at the weekend she was telling me how she had relayed this story to her work colleagues saying how ditzy I was, and how she loves me for it...and that there I was with...wait for it....MORE TIME THAN ANYONE ELSE!!but wouldnt bother cooking a meal and how it made her laugh. I nearly exploded! I was very measured and cool and replied that she obviously didnt have a clue what my life was like..between hydrotherapy, portage, occupational therapy etc.. and the normal demands of a 2 year old plus and 8 year old sibling with homework and the normal needs.

I just felt so let down ....She is one of my closest friends and I just thought you havent got a f***g clue. Think she might have now though

My shoulders slumped as I read your post. Whjat is it with this woman? I'd be tempted to run screaming from the house and not return for a week, see how she bloody copes. ohhhhhhhh honestly.
I can only say,unless you tak e me up on the above idea (!) that you use mumsnet to scream and rant and go mad and know that everyone else in the world is on your side and can see you pov, everyone else understands, it's just her that can't see the wood for the trees.
Perhaps a 'look thanks but until you've walked in my shoes for just 1 week, you could never begin to now how it really is, how I really feel, and how important and life saving just the slightest bit of help is to me, so please, just let it be, if you can't understand it, if you can't be happy, just say nothing, please, okay'.
Sorry just realised you don't need em to word stuff for you but I was rather enjoying having a concversation with her in my own head!
Sorry you are having to justify anything& to anyone& least of all a your kids grandmother.
Keeping picturing that G&T

Thats a terrible thing for her to have said Merlot

gosh thanks! I just told my friend who said "well don't say anything at all- don't tell them anything" which may be the way to go.

The thing that annoys me I guess is that they are here enough so that they should get it. They can see it. But somehow it doesn't get processed. If I say something about the supervision aspect then I just get told that "X (who had 3 children) found it hard"- like I'm making a fuss. There's no aknowledgement that it is different, and a whole different kettle of fish.

Each time they come dh feels he has to remind them that its not acceptable for them to pop off for a 90 minute nap in the afternoon (they are in their 50's). My SIL comes and goes for a nap. I have the amazing napping in-laws. I also have to listen to MIL going on about how difficult it is for SIL (one NT child, works 2 days a week, double our family income), like I'm some piece of clockwork that doesn't matter. She spent a lot of the last phone call telling me howhard it was for SIL on her recnet holiday abroad because she had a child with her, and so she didn't get a week off. And yet we told them after the campervan trip that we can't take family holidays at the moment because it's too hard to meet the needs of ds1 and his brothers and keep them all safe. I mean surely she must realise that she was being insensitive?

DH is half very pissed off and half very upset at how useless they are. He's said he will lay down the law before they come again. I keep telling dh that his family are the norm- and that we are very lucky with my mum. He knows that but I don't think it makes him feel any less bad. He is very good about it- but I can't moan too much to him as it upsets him and makes him cross.

SIL has a dh btw - and childcare was shared on the holiday- so she did get some time off!

Merlot- just read your message

Sorry Jimjams, did have a little laugh at 'I have the amazing napping in-laws.'!!

Is so awful, why go on about your SIL when it sounds like she has a ptrry normal easy life?

Who wants to hear how hard she has it? Certainly not you

You've gotsome good advice on here jimjams. I wonder if your MIL will have her memory jogged when she arrives and actually be helpful again. Do you think she deliberately forgets what she can't handle. Also get this from my MIL about how hard it is for my SIL with her one child and her Mum and MIL doing her cleaning/ironing etc while I have my two, DH works away often, I work part time and no family back up. Obviously I am not comparing my situation with yours - just my MIL - it seems to be a tendency they have to think about their own daughters as having a tough time but assuming their DILs ought to be able to handle anything. Obviously this is greatly exagerated between you and your SIL.

Feel for your DH too.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I Cannot change?

Courage to change the things I can

And Wisdom to know the difference?

Keep repeating just before you greet MIl!!
Merlot, that is awful

Jimjams,

I don't personally think your IL's will ever come to terms with your children's special needs so go into a form of denial. They can't deal with it so they won't deal with it. Its ostrich syndrome. The upshot of all this unfortunately is that you have to deal with their crass and insensitive comments.

I hope your DH (along with your good self - a united approach towards them may work better) lays down the law with them before their next visit.

Bozza,

Read your message with great interest.

Although there are differences (I have no SIL) our relatives do seem remarkably similar. My mum does all my brother's cleaning and ironing for him and he has no dependents!. I don't have any real back up either in terms of familial support.

Apologies for threadjack.

PMSL Angeliz

Bozza I think you are right about daughters vs daughter in laws. I think that's what a lot of this comes down to.