I could cry

[Jimjams]

Our IL's - like many- took a long time to accept ds1's SN, but over the last year seemed to take it all on board. MIL visited at Easter and was quite helpful- exhausted at the end of it- and no stupid comments.

We haven't seen them since- but both MIL and FIL are going to be visiting at the end of this month. And suddenly it's like we're back to where we were, and they're just not "getting" it. MIL rang last week and I was saying that my parents were away- but that it wasn't too bad as I was using my direct payments to get someone to help out over tea time. My MIL then started going on about all parents finding tea time difficult, and that's "just being a mother". errr yes, but most mother's of 6 year olds don't have to hand feed their 6 year old whilst feeding their baby at the same time. And most mother's of 6 year olds don't have to 100% supervise that child (otherwise he climbs on the ropy windows risking death- literally) whilst cooking tea- hence the need for a 2nd pair of hands- to keep the children safe. (the others as well- ds1 is back into throwing everything he can find down the stairs- cups of water being the favourite, and is doing some strange thing that involves leaning heavily on ds2's head!).

For some reason the idea that I may require more help than a mother of 3 NT children is highly offensive to her. Social services spent yesterday morning in school with ds1 assessing his needs- it's not like I'm just being handed money because I've aksed for it.

And of course the trouble is it has further ramifications because when we're asked to do something that we can't because of ds1 then we're seen as making a fuss.

I don't want sympathy (god no definitely not), I don't want help from them particularly (they're too far away anyway), but it would be nice not to have to justify every bit of help that we receive.

Soo how do you deal with the little comments. How do you stop caring about them. I'm trying a policy of saying "hmmmmm" to everything stupid whilst whisking my mind off to my g and t on a blacony by the sea, but I know I risk losing it at the end of this month if the remarks continue whilst they are visiting.

I really could cry- they had really got it and now they don't!

Your SIL is obviously still "mummy's little girl" jimjams.

flippin inlaws-or.....OUTLAWS as i like to call them!

My outlaws havent been here for over 6months since we had the dx for DS and started having problems with dd AND they only live 2 miles away and all have cars, they NEVER ring DH he always has to go down there with the kids and whenever we try to explain about ds we get-oh he,ll grow out of it, they dont always know what they are talking about these professionals and theres nothing wrong with dd she,s just a but shy

so can sympathise with you completely JJ

My MIL has actually been very good and understanding compared to what some of you have to put up with. They still won't have the children to stay over though and FIL nearly has a cardiac arrest if I ask him to look after DS for a couple of hours.

I think Meerkats is right in that some people just don't want to understand - it makes it easier for them to avoid things.

If mil's attitude is really bugging you then could you just go on and on about how busy you are and how much you have to do and how difficult it is and not let her get a word in.

jimjams, how irritating! I believe one of the most common double standards is when a MIL is judging the problems of her own daughter and the DIL. It's a lost battle, no matter how bad are things for you in her eyes it's her little girl who has the best/worst time.

On top of that, some people has the irritating habit of dismissing your problems thinking they are helping. Well, is not that people goes around looking for simpathy but certainly we can do with a bit of acknowledgement rather than being deal with as if we are over reacting.

I hope she sees the light and realise again was the thing about before arriving, but if she can't see why you are getting annoyed, explain it to her, sometimes people are very stupid, my MIL for instance, is an opinionated racist cow, she screamed to us, makes horrible comments, etc. but, since the day we finally walked out of her house and limited contact to an absolute minimum, she is sending messages to DH asking why on Earth we stoped contact as she can't begin to imagine what she did wrong and insists that she is always going to say the things as she thinks them.

Obviously, the fact that she can't get it has served as ammunition to keep her at a distance. If she can't be nicer to us, we are not forced to be nice to her either).

Best of luck, if they don't see the reasons, show them the door, that they will see.