Okay so mrs calm at all times had just lost it!.. And feels guilty

[TheArsenicCupCake]

All day I have listened to the ranting and venting and controlling and interferring with what everyone else is trying to do.. Including snatching and shouting and demanding.. And refusing to get dressed so we can go out... Interferring with dds mum and daughter cake baking..
And now after everyone has put up, explained calmly he has had the cheek to yell in my face about how he has done everything everyone else has wanted all day.

And I'm sorry to say I blew and yelled back!

And now I feel crappy!

And I was really snappy at dh ( who is at work) on the phone because he took the cash in the side thinking it was fine to do so.. But that was aside for a quick corner shop run that ds1 was doing for me, if I couldn't get out because of ds2.. Ds1 whizzed out with his own cash, bless him.. And dh is going to the cash point on the way home to give that back to ds1.. But it's the blooming hassle of it all.!

Aw Arsenic you are only human and we all have our breaking points.

I have had two separate days this week where I have lost it with ds1 and hated myself for it afterwards. Both times I apologised, explained to ds that I was wrong to shout, that its never the right way to handle things, but that I am only human and when people are tired/poorly/stressed they have a much lower threshold for when they will lose their temper etc.

Both times he pointed out how I always tell him that being tired etc is no excuse, then said he forgave me anyway and happily went back to whatever he was doing without having even the slightest inkling that he might have had anything at all to do with my exhaustion and stress levels.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, from what I've read on here you are a much better calmer Mummy than I will ever be.

Don't beat yourself up, we all lose it sometimes.

Your a great mum and he's probably forgotten you shouted already.

I lost it this morning after another 5am start. Felt crap and it was pointless as it doesn't improve anything. Tomorrow is another day x

Thanks would you like to know what I yell at my asd dc ?

" your controlling bickering shouting at everyone today and you not getting dressed and refusing to go out ... Is really ( this is the good bit getting my goat!"

well the first bit didn't have any pauses way way to much info and all he heard was " blah blah blah blah blah getting my goat!"

and he stood there looking like he completely didn't understand why mum has lost the plot ( in a didn't see that coming way)... And now she's yelling about getting a goat!

And then I did that horrid angry frustrated laugh thing.. Because I instantly realised what he was thinking..
And just yelled " I'M ON A RED".

It is not the best look in the world.. We now are watching the end of star wars and he's fine.. And I said sorry and said I'm back on green again!

Glad to hear you're back on course. Hope you manage to have a nice relaxing evening and everyone stays green.

I wonder if he was actually stood there trying to work out if you wanted him to go and get you a goat or maybe you were going to fetch one yourself.

We had a comedy moment the other day, when I said 'That's completely gone over your head hasn't it?'. He looked up, then turned round and said "What's gone over my head? I can't see anything." Its soooo hard not to laugh sometimes.

My ds1 has just had a total tantrum because his dad was winning at chess. Ds wanted to retire, because he couldn't see a way to win. We are trying to teach him not to keep retiring though, as he been doing it so much that no-one will want to play him soon and he needs to learn to be a better sport. Dh swapped sides with him and ended up winning anyway using ds's pieces. He is now having another tantrum because ds2 is 'being his boring old self' (ie he doesn't want to play chess with him).

Ah, these lovely relaxing weekends at home.

Oh I did that yesterday. DS was badgering me as I was taking the stove apart to replace the glass door he had smashed on it. I thought that it would be a good learning experience for him to watch me do the repair. i.e you break it you 'help' mend it. So being hectored about getting him a drink kinda sent me over the edge. So I shouted. And he cried. And then spent the next three hours asking me 'are you happy?' in a worried way.
I'm not proud of it but he's gotta realise sometimes people can be irrational. A bit like him then.

:) @ your comedy moment .

Ds still hates losing.. Although he is better these days ( after going through the mill like you are).

Ahhh yes weekends are just fabby! Never long enough to get settled before the next round of stressy school.. And a whole different structure!..

I have told him he is getting up, getting dressed and we are off fossil hunting by 11am tomorrow... So it should be a nicer day!

Getting shouted at is the natural consequence of winding them up. Think of it as a learning experience?

Spinkle it's rubbish isn't it! And I think that's why I ended up yelling ikon a red.. Because I know he understands that very well for himself and we all try to use the system to help him read us!... ( rather than talking about goats!)

and gah to replacing the glass door on the stove.. I have had to do that a few years ago when ds broke ours! I was shocked how much the glass bit cost!

I'm on * not ikon?

:) purple

is it too early for baileys?... This bottle the dc's got me for Xmas is taking some getting through lol

We have tried telling ds that Purple.

We have spent much of the last few weeks - every time he argues in response to a question or request to do something - saying

"Yes, Mum/Dad/Teacher or OK Mum/Dad/Teacher or Sorry Mum/Dad/Teacher"

and explaining repeatedly, that if you don't like grown-ups getting cross with you, you need to say sorry if you've done something they don't want to you do - whatever the reason, or just do as you are told, without giving ten reasons why you shouldn't have to - even if you think its unfair. We want him to understand that even if you don't like what Mum/Dad/Teacher says sometimes, if you don't want everyone to always be fighting and shouting or telling you off, you have to stop arguing back.

Needless to say, we are fighting a losing battle.

I think its a great idea to use the traffic light system for the whole family. I think I might run that past dh when the crew are in bed.

As you said, its a great way of helping him grasp how we are feeling without all the stress involved in working it out for himself.

See, I told you you are a much better Mum than me. I'd never have thought of that in a million years.

Gah we have a slightly different negative thing going on.. If someone says something.. The reply is.. " NO... " and then he repeats what was said in the first place!

Drives me batty!

TACC, the sun has gone to bed. Therefore it is most definitely over the yard arm. Therefore, Baileys is not just an option but a necessity.

Moose, that's awesome that you help him to understand. And it really isn't a "losing" battle - it's just that he's not using that strategy yet - he will, although maybe not for a few more years.

I always understood Autism to be a developmental delay; ie, things take that bit longer to sink in. Is it the same in your experience?

The Trafficlight thingy For the family does make things really simple actually..:)

I'm not a better mummy.. I have just been trying to figure it out for longer.. And had lots of help from CAMHS and the behavioural therapist!

Purple that is very much my experience.. We were told that the average age for stating to get a grasp on theroy of mind tends to happen between 10 and 15/16 years old with dc's who are ASD... If it doesn't start to develope by 19 it probably isn't going to.. But ds at 12 is a prime age to start to understand and get to grips with it... Again apparently.. He may never fully catch up but it should be a lot better..

So far ds does seem to be improving.. But with a lot of explaining and strategies to help out. Having said all that .. I wonder if it's that they just get used to using the strategies.. Because although ds is displaying more ToM.. He still fails the first sally Anne test let alone the second one!

I've been told its developmental delay as well and we have definitely seen a certain amount of evidence to back that up, as he can do things now that he couldn't, say, two years ago.

I tend to thing ds's ToM skills are patchy. Sometimes he does seem to get it and others he's not even on the same planet, let alone the same page.

This afternoon I heard him talking to dh "Daddy the dog's come back in the kitchen, he's not supposed to be in here is he, he's supposed to be in the garden at the moment - go on 'dogsname' out, etc etc". I couldn't hear dh, so I stuck my head round the door - sure enough, dh was outside at the other end of the garden and ds could acutally see him through the window!

He also does the - "look at this picture Mummy" whilst holding the picture towards himself rather than me - thing on a regular basis, as well as talking to me about his book or game as if I know what he knows about the intricacies of the plot/game.

Am I right in thinking those types of things are to do with ToM?

Is the Sally Anne test the one where someone puts an object out of sight while a character is out of the room, then they're asked where the character would think that object is when they re-enter the room and if they say the cupboard, they have ToM problems, because although we know the toy is in the cupboard the character couldn't know because he/she was out of the room? (Sorry wordy but ykwim.)

I ask, because I have a strange feeling ds1 might actually pass that test. If he did pass it, would that mean he's unlikely to get a dx?

I keep having wobblies about him not being 'bad' enough for a dx. The closer it gets to his Assessment Day (Monday after next) the more I seem to wobble.

Think not thing

Gah! I need chocolate.

< passes green and blacks selection box >

yup that's the test.. Ds2 still fails it at 12! However I though that he would pass.. And it shocked me that he failed!
ToM is really complex.. As it has it's fingers in so many things we do in lots of different aspects.. So if your ds is assuming that you can see what he can see.. Then I would say that would be a red flag area.

Good luck with the assessment.. I seriously kept thinking I was actually going nutty and seeing things in ds where they weren't.. And that the assessments would show me up to be a nutty mum.. Because although I saw a lot.. I also didn't see a heck of a lot more!
And ds was higher and with more issues that I ever thought!.. I assumed if it was anything it would be really mild/ boarderline may not get a dx aspergers.

Turns out a bit more to chew on than that.. Plus a bunch other stuff to boot!
( and now they are looking into more things to add!)

anyway.. It will be what it is.. Try not to drive yourself barmy ( btw you will not acheive this.. Hollow laugh).
And just go with the flow!.. And eat loads of choccy!

Thanks Arsenic, for the advice and the chocolate!

The EPs both looked at me like I had lost the plot when I said I was worried he might not get a dx and I was seeing something that wasn't there. They did point out that he has now been seen and observed by 5 professionals and the SENCO (who in this case I would not term a professional ) who are all pretty much in agreement that he most likely will.

I think I already driven myself - and probably dh barmy if I'm honest. I just wish it was over now. Which is terribly selfish of me, as we weren't expecting to get an Assessment until at least April according to the waiting list. They have been able to bring it forward because I brought in the EPs and Inclusion Team myself.

:) Its a nightmare time!.. And be prepared for the results to hit like a brick even if your expecting him to either get or not get a dx!

Good for you for being on the ball.. It really does help :)

I said to my Mum today that whatever they say its going to take a while for it to sink in and for me to handle it.

I've bought a digital dictaphone today, as we have to go back without ds at the end of the day for an hour and a half long meeting when we will get their feedback and a dx (if any). I reckon I probably won't take much in, so thought if I recorded it, I could try and make more sense of it when I've calmed down.

I've only been on the ball thanks to this board. I wouldn't have known where to start without all the help and support I've had on here.

I've also been incredibly lucky to have crossed paths with some fantastic professionals, who have really fought on our behalf, both at school and with the Assessment Centre.

In fact, this week I've felt less in control of it all that at any other point in the process. Just to add to that, things have really gone from bad to worse on ds's return to school after christmas. They are really trying and want to help and support him, but its really driven home how hard his path is going to be long-term, dx or no dx.

Hmm, maybe I need some alcohol with my chocolate. I don't often, but am feeling like it might be a good idea tonight.

Dicaphone is a good idea.. Just remember to ask permission first. :)

and so is alcohol! :)

I think you just get to the point where it's in someone elses hands.. And you've been in control and guiding it all so much that your left at a loss as what to do.. But the thing is . You've done that bit of your job and now it's just going to be the way the dice falls.. ( well it's not .. But you will feel like it is)..
So much depends on what they say to how you feel..
I felt relief.. Because it wasn't my marriage break up or that ds didn't have daily contact with his dad, or my parenting etc etc
I felt guilt.. ( why did I get this sorted sooner, why didn't I see x problem, have I messed up any chance of helping with that, should I have seen someone sooner.. But I didn't know!)

anger ( why ds2, why did he get everything? Why didn't nursey or school pick up on it, why didn't people read his complete file and put the pieces together)

loss, fear, overwhelmed, worry.. And exhaustion.. Along with the realisation of ' well.. This is it then'
and it was all in one big hit in the evening when it sunk in.

I'm guessing if you don't get a dx.. It will be a similar route tbh..

I think I have most, if not all of that running through my head already. [slightly neurotic emoticon]

I'm also a bit of a control freak, so I'm finding it tough having to wait.

I'll definitely ask for permission before I record anybody. I don't think they'll say no though, at least I hope not.