My poor baby - I know why she was the way she was

[Lougle]

So last night I posted about my DD and her WIRED behaviour.

Today I went to see the Christmas play.

Very lovely, very thoughtful. 12 days of Christmas. 13 classes, so one class introduced the play and took it in turns to introduce the other classes.

DD1 was in the class that did the 9th day of Christmas. All dressed as Angels.

To minimise sitting around (presumably) the play was organised such that each 'day' was done individually, and the children from each class came in, did their 'day' and then went back to their class. Then all classes came back for the final song and an address by the Head.

On the 9th day of Christmas, DD's class came in. She looked bewildered as they trotted around in a circle, wobbly. She didn't sing, she just looked overwhelmed.

When everyone clapped her hands shot up to cover her ears, and she looked terrified.

She was frantically looking around for us (I think) and when she saw us she just burst into tears. We could hear her crying as she walked back down the corridor It was heartbreaking, but we knew the play wasn't over for her yet.

When she came in at the end, she stood up and looked at us. We gave her big waves, huge 'thumbs up' and signed 'smile' and 'high five'. She looked relieved.

Again though, she found the clapping so hard, hands shot up to her ears, and terrified.

The Head teacher asked all parents to wait for the children to go back to their classrooms for safety, before leaving the hall.

DD1's TA mouthed to us 'are you coming to class?' and we nodded. As soon as the HT said 'you are free to go to the classroooms...' we bolted for DD1's class.

She was HYSTERICAL I don't actually think I have ever seen her quite that bad. She had been crying for around 15 minutes already.

She cowered in my arms, crying her heart out. The TA said that she seemed overwhelmed, and when I told her about last night, she said 'she rehearsed yesterday, so maybe that's why'. The TA was very relieved that I was taking her home and not sending her on transport.

Poor DD continued to cry all the way home. All the way home she was saying 'I not a good angel, I didn't sing properly'. 'everyone laugh at me' 'x & y (classmates) laugh at me. They always laugh. I don't like x, he horrid'. I told her that it was OK to dislike someone, but she must still be kind to them.

I took her to my Mum & Dad's house (DD2 & DD3 were there already because it was only 2 tickets for the performance) because I just knew that I couldn't repeat last night.

DD continued to cry constantly until 4pm

Then she just flipped, like a 2-way switch being flicked, and became just like last night. Manic laughter, kicking, biting, climbing, 'I am big hippo' as she tried to bite with a wide open mouth. Nothing anyone could do. I asked mum to pin her legs down as I took her Piedro boots off, because she back-heeled my Dad (whom she adores) at the weekend.

She was wild. Mum & Dad have a long empty fish tank in their lounge, with a huge wooden lid. She pulled it off, and I only just managed to throw my weight at it to resite it. If I hadn't it would have caused real injury to her. She did that 3 further times.

I tried sitting her on my lap, facing away from me for 5 minutes. She said she really wanted to say 'sorry', so did. But as soon as I let her go, she went wild again.

She stayed the same until she had her melatonin.

She has two more performances to do yet

Pipin, how distressing for you I hope you don't get offended, but my dog sprung to mind...He took a dislike to 'Mr Maker' from CBeebies. He would bark and growl as soon as the music came on. We would comfort him and say 'stop barking, it's all alright'. DH started to mute the telly when the theme tune came on.

For a little while it did the trick. Then, Alex started to notice when Mr Maker was on the screen, even when it was muted, and he would go wild - jumping, pacing, barking, wanting to go outside.

Then Mr Maker started going 'out and about' and had adverts. Every time they come on, he would leap down from the top of the sofa and go absolutely spare.

One day, he added to his list the 'happy birthday song' that CBeebies use to introduce the birthday card slot. We tried to reassure him to no avail. So we started to mute the telly when that bit started.

It worked for a day or two, but he added to his dislike the actual birthday cards.

Then he moved on to Chuggington. Barks and whines and growls when the trains 'parp'.

I read on a doggy part of MN.that we think we are 'reassuring' but it is giving the signal to the dog that there is something to worry about. The more we reassure, the more the dog thinks 'I really did need to be worried'

I wonder if it is the same for people sometimes?

I know the ELSA does lots of work on emotional interpretation, so 'when my face looks like this, I am feeling this...'

I do think the Head was telling the truth. DD1 said ' good angels sing' - she was overwhelmed, so didn't sing. She was a 'bad angel'.

Yesterday she came home grinning and said 'I was a good angel'. Her behaviour was much more typical for her.

She can flip like that on some things. Other things last for ages. She is very complex. She can be crying hysterically, then notice a car, say 'look car!', then cry hysterically again all in one breath.

Also, the Head would have no motive to lie. She had been quite happy for me to take DD home as authorised leave, or pull her out, anything I wanted.

Pipin - not going to school because of noise IS a last resort IMHO.

glad she managed to enjoy yesterday, Lougle :)

Yes, I know, PipinJo. I definitely think that in some situations (certainly it is true for DD1) kid gloves results in bigger problems. That is why it is so hard to know what to do. The issue is definitely real, I don't for one minute think that there is any 'attention seeking' (horrible phrase, that, as if seeking attention is a bad, naughty manipulative act, done on purpose by a wilful child), but what I have come to realise, is that sometimes children find an experience distressing, and then look to the adult to guage whether their response was appropriate. When they see a big fuss and lots of attention they think "Oh I was right to be so worried...."

ELSA

Emotional Wellbeing: An introductory Handbook - developed to complement the ELSA courses in Hampshire. £29. - Might be able to get it through the library?

dd2 used to be like this - she was always accompanied onto the stage by a TA who held her hand and did the performance with her. the TA would cover her ears and reassure her - smiling and letting her know it was ok for the crowd to be clapping and cheering.

we've had to put a lot of work into prep tbh - over and over again explaining what will happen and warning for unexpected noise (school plays, theatre, cinema, aeroplanes - we have to point to where the noise will be coming from and what will happen) and she is much much better now. (she's 7 - school are very good and let her sit near to the door for 'loud' assemblies - visiting brass bands etc ) but otherwise she is coping really well.

the other thing to wonder about is the lights - dd2 also had a real issue with some forms of lighting, so i wonder if there was any different stage lighting that she wasn't expecting, too? dd2 used to scream the place down in sainsburys because of their strip lights...

so glad she enjoyed the second performance though! hopefully she will be fine now - you'll just have to remind the school that a walk/ talk through will be needed each time.