Will the sadness go away?

[Lougle]

DD1 is verbal. More verbal than most of her classmates. But when she comes home she doesn't speak. At all. Her sister said hello to her very excitedly, but she just grunted. I think she is exhausted. If I ask about school she just makes a moaning sound, or says 'it secret'.

Today I went to the AGM of the Friends of and one of the senior teachers told me a couple of things.

Yesterday, they had PeterPan puppet show from a production company. Apparently, DD1 stood up, and shouted at Captain Hook that he was a big bully, a meany and he was very naughty!! It is so DD1. It made me laugh and laugh, and the teacher said that the actor ad-libbed with DD1 for a while, which was even funnier.

Also, she had been walking along a sleeper holding the teacher's hand, and the teacher finally had to stop, and DD1 wasn't at all impressed - she grunted at the teacher and stamped her foot! The teacher had to say 'sorry, but I do have to play with other children too' - again so DD1.

I was so pleased to hear that they are seeing a bit of the DD1 I know. But I am so , deep down, I ache. Because DD1 can't tell me any of it. I don't hear a thing.

Does it get better?

DD1 only wants to talk to me in the car or last thing before bed. DD1 tells me she plays with girls, and thats the limit. They get better as they get older but do agree they talk more if ditracted

Even NT parents have to accept their kids have a separate life at school. When you've got a SN kid who you are so used to being there for and doing stuff for then it comes as a massive shock.

My DS (ASD) doesn't like to talk about school, for one; he's already done that school thing all day and doesn't want to relive it (he's very visual - he makes himself giggle by thinking about a particular bit in Tom and Jerry), he's been interacting all day as is tired and also he may not have all the words needed to describe it.

We find having a bounce on the trampoline usuallly puts him in the right mood to respond to questions about school, but he won't volunteer it.

With DS 16 he very rarely speaks to us but apparently makes up for it in school.He talks away to his computer all the time but if we try and start a conversation he just blanks us.

Thank you for all the replies. I tried your suggestion, Star, and started talking about it as DD1 was trying to mount the newel post I did get a few confirmations that the teacher was telling the truth, but nothing more. Small victories, though.

((hugs)) Sometimes it's the daily 'little' things (not so little to us but ykwim) like this that makes us .
DS is the same in that he either can't or doesn't have the need to share anything or hardly anything. We ask questions which are met with a 'i don't know' or a grunt, or a few words that don't make much sense. But in time i hope it will get better.

Out of all of DS'issues with the ASD, it is the non-communication/trouble with talking issues that i find make me feel sad the most.

DS2 (8 -ASD) doesn't have enough language to tell us about school but we get fantastic feedback from his home-school book. Sometimes I talk to him about something his TA has written in there - but even when it's something he loves, like horse-riding, he still says 'No no' when I say
' Oh, so you went horse-riding today?'

DS1 (9) is dyspraxic and used to yell ' No questions!' at me when I asked him about school in the early years. He's still not keen on talking about his day, though he loves school now. I found commenting rather than questioning to be the most effective way - so I would say "the best/worst thing that happened to me today was X" and wait. He would often chip in with something that had happened.
I think sometimes they're bombarded with questions at school and just shut off from that approach when they come home.

Not that I'm suggesting you bombard DD with questions

I rely on the home school book for information too and then I have a hope of asking the right question. Whether they choose to answer though is another matter.

oh lougle, it is so hard, isn't it?

without dd1's excellent home/school book, and the pages of notes that come back each day, I wouldn't know half the stuff she does.

what we tried, and it took a while but is now very successful, is to implement an extra bedtime story - we tell them (well, now they tell us!) the story of "2 little girls" (who happen to have the same names as the dds ) and what they got up to during thier day.

we started it on holiday last year, as a way to introduce dd1 to what was going to be happening the next day - a sort of verbal social story, I guess.

she liked it, but didn't really join in straight away.

it evolved into being the story of what they had done during the day, and has been briliant for working on time-related langugae too

to begin with, dd1 jsut listened, and dd2 would tell us lots, but now it's the other way around, really. I have a film of it somewhere - I'll dig it out and post it.

so, we would start off, and tell the girls everything they had done - got up, eaten breakfast, etc etc, and gradually throw in a question - what shop did we go to? what did we buy?after breakfast who helped mummy? etc

we got some really off-the-wall responses form dd1 initially, and it was fascinating to see what she found important from the days' events.

but now, she will (usually) tell me pretty much what has happned during the day (with particular emphasis on what she has eaten ). I do still need ot ask leading questions, eg who did you go horse-riding with?, what did you do after lunch?, but I get a fairly complete picture of the day most days.

hang on, will dig around for the film I have of her.

We do something similar to silverfrog. Ds2 has a massage with a ball every night and I usually talk about his day with him then and he fills in bits. So I know he does sensory circuits first thing, so I will say, "Ds2 did sensory circuits, with Julie I suppose" and he will say "no with Clare" or whatever. This is greatly helped by the fact that his teacher writes in his homeschool book to give me some ideas of what they have done. It would be nice if your DD1's teacher could write in a book each day so you would know about things like the puppet show.

Also sometimes I find I ask Ds1 (NT) a question, like "what did you have for lunch?", Ds2 may chip in also.

We do RDI (which is a therapy) with Ds2 and one of the first things they teach you with that is not to be always firing direct questions at your child. Instead you are encouraged to use "emotion-sharing" language (it's an American therapy ) - so I might say "I worked in the garden all morning today." "I had soup for my lunch." and hope that Ds2 might tell me something in return. Amazingly after a while of doing this Ds2 did begin to contribute bits of his day, or he will even ask me about my day.

I taught ds sample or what critics call rote responses to questions about school - he moved on eventually to more 'real' answers. Agree there is no one answer. He does not spontaneously tell me yet but who knows.. one day

My DD is non-verbal but I agree you shouldn't be too disheartened, for a long time my friend's NT DS would only say school was "rubbish" and he did "nothing".

I understand it's hard though, I have no clue what DD has done at nursery or if she has even been happy.

right, have found it, and uploaded - sorry, it's a bit long. she was obviously in chatty mode that day (although a lot of the detail is about washing hands )

hopefully this will work:

dd1 talks about her day (with added interjections from dd2 before she got too bored!)

oh, and sorry for the shocking filming - I was hoping to sit across the room and avoid the sunny window, but dd1 wasn't going to oblige

she is lovely

thanks, fanjo - it really is the dullest film ever - lots of chat about dd1's day, which lets face it, doesn't seem to have been the most riveting

it is just nice to see her talking away to you.

i liked " we wiped bottom and put it in the toilet"

you have taught her well!

yes, that bit always makes me too.

she went through a (thankfully very brief!) phase of wanting to wipe her nose (as, of course, that is what you previously did with tissues in her world!) after wiping her bottom (thank the lord she only ever does wees in the toilet, but still pretty grim)

we had obviously just been working on putting the tissue in the loo

it took us nearly 18 months of using the two little girls story to get dd1 to that point. lots of repetition and encouragement later, and n a good day we hear all about it (her route directions have taken over for now - LOTS of info on which way they go to each activity/on walks etc).

but there are still many quiet days, and inbetween coming home and the now established routine of telling me about her day, I am lucky if I get more than grunted agreement if I ask about her day.

dd2 is surprisingly quiet in that film - she is usually a LOT noisier

Star - what are your thoguhts on Growing Minds? Course si going ahead, and they are expecting around 20 people - absolute brilliant opportunity for small group interaction

I've booked - it really does look fab