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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

What do you say....

83 replies

eidsvold · 07/08/2003 18:38

I was waiting at the customer service desk and a woman came up to Dd ( sitting cutely in the trolley) and began chatting to her and smiling and asking dd for a smile. Often have older ladies ( middle aged etc we know the type) smiling at dd. I felt smug ( really not the word I want but will do) that she felt my dd was gorgeous enough to chat to!!

That quickly changed when she said to me - I love these children ( emphasis on the these) They are always soooo HAPPY!! and then she walked away. I was so stunned and brought down to earth with a thud. Despite common generalisations - Dd is not always happy - in fact she can cry and shout up a storm. She just does not really do it in public yet.

As I walked away I thought I should have said - what children?!?! and felt disappointed that she stopped to say something to dd because she was one of 'those' children. I surprised myself by how annoyed I was at the woman......

OP posts:
mieow · 09/08/2003 18:46

FIO2 I have had that comment many times, DD1 and DS have CP and everyone thinks they are fine till they walk. People have said "awww she can barely stand up!!!!" Come on, people, this was a child they were not even sure would be able to walk. But she can, abiet very slowly and she can't walk for long.

misdee · 09/08/2003 21:12

mieow, (straying onto your board again), what about that time the old boy had a go at u for having your ds in a buggy b4 he got the major. said he should've been walking. what did u say to him? i cant remember.
and altho my dd1 doesnt have SN, i used to get people look ta her and ask my what was wrong with her face, nothing is wrong with her face, she just has eczema.

mieow · 09/08/2003 21:15

I said that he had brain damage and he turned round and said "well he is not that brain damaged if he gets you to push him around!!!!!!" I just walked away!!!!!!!

misdee · 09/08/2003 21:16

i would've hit him.

mieow · 09/08/2003 21:16

LOLOLOL Sarah you bad person

mieow · 09/08/2003 21:17

Good job you weren't there then wasn't it

ScummyMummy · 09/08/2003 21:17

I wish he had been hit.

misdee · 09/08/2003 21:17

i know. me bad. but your kids are lovely!!!

mieow · 09/08/2003 21:19

I know they are

misdee · 09/08/2003 21:19

he probably would've had a walking stick to hit me back with.

ThomCat · 11/08/2003 16:23

Edisvold - just managed to log on and saw your post. I don't really have anything to add that hasn't already been said. It does hurt, and you/we are going to get angry about this a lot, we'll probably see lots of it. I tell myself not to care but you can't help the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach or the ache in your heart. I think you feel the same way I do - that where possible we need to educate people and even if we make just one person stop and think then at least we've made some difference to the ignorance that's out there. She didn't mean to hurt you, it's just ignorance, bit by bit hopefully we can make people see how comments like that don't go down well with parents!

prufrock · 11/08/2003 20:38

Going back to a point Jimjams made about why people say this, it is because it is difficult, as a parent of a non SN child, to realise that you see your child as being as perfect as we see ours. I don't mean that to sound cruel, but I think it is often true. We see that your children have something wrong with them, wheras you just see them as being themselves. When dd was born the woman in the next bed had had a baby with Cystic Fibrosis, and I was amazed at how well she was coping, imagining that if it was me, I'd have been distraught. I didn't realise that she had fallen as madly in love with her baby as I had with mine. It honestly is only through reading some of your posts here that I have realised that, and I am so glad that I have been able to learn from you so that I don't tactlessy offend.

Jimjams · 11/08/2003 20:56

Prufrock- thanks for being honest- I have suspected this of many people for quite a while now- so l'm gad to see I am not just paranoid!

The funny thing is so much of parental love is to do with protection that it is actually very very easy to aboslutely love a SN child.

I don't think it matters when you find out they have SN either. Remember I had a "perfect" baby for 17 months, before it started to dawn on me very slowly that not everything was quite right. I didn't start loving him any less. He's just who he is. He's still perfect, just different. He has his difficulties but he has such a loving gentle nature that I feel lucky to have him.

In fact its only now that I have an NT ds2 that I realise how hard I had to work with ds1- I didn;t realise I thought it was normal ( so I didn't have problems coping as I didn't realise I was coping iyswim).

aloha · 11/08/2003 21:26

Only just seen this thread revived so sorry about the multiple posts earlier - what was I thinking of. I think Jimjams has made a very insightful post. I have to admit I do think 'how would I feel if ds suddenly became disabled' and feel sad, but of course, I wouldn't love him any less. I have never though I wouldn't love an SN child, just that I do think it is sad sometimes for the parents and the children. I hope that doesn't sound patronising. I do know that some of the greatest geniuses the world has ever produced have had special needs - various disabilities including lots on the autism spectrum including Isaac Newton and probably Einstein etc - and that we can all become disabled at any time - like Jacqueline Du Pres. with the exceptions of some monsters, most people do mean well, though I completely understand eidsvold's feelings which are entirely justified. If she was older her views completely reflect her time. My mum used to work in a children's home and in a school for children who were, in the language of the day (70s), educationally subnormal, and in those days it was completely OK to talk about children with Down syndrome being particularly happy/loving etc. It was seen as a compliment then - that they had special qualities in their personalities. I remember this quite distinctly. I realised a lot of things very early eg that the myth that people with learning difficulties never realised that they had anything 'wrong' with them was just that, a myth.
Attitudes HAVE changed, albeit not as fast as they should have, just as attitudes on race and sexual orientation have changed, but far from completely.
By the way, Eidsvold, I am sure it was your dd's charm that first attracted her - and probably she noticed the Downs later, and felt she ought to comment for some reason. Like the baby I saw, I just thought, what a really gorgeous child (wonderful chubby legs in groovy shorts and a big smile) and only after perving after him for quite a while in that way you do when you don't have your own child with you, did I notice he had Downs. I don't think it is ever the first thing you notice about a baby.

Bagpipes · 12/08/2003 09:06

Hello everyone -

Bagpipes · 12/08/2003 09:13

Right I have remembered all my passwords etc... Well its been a while, but thought it was about time I tried to re-log on to MUMSNET again. I know exactly what everyone has been saying about the looks, comments etc.. from 'other people'. I had found it uncomfortable at times myself. My wee DS who is Down Syndrome, almost 4yrs old - still working along with his behaviour issues - Was born with a cleft lip, and club foot - so we were stared at, even once asked 'how did he break his leg'. What they really wanted to know - was 'did I throw him down the stairs' LOL Of, course he had to have a full cast after surgery, and then went into the Dennis Browne Boots with the metal bar - So, a cleft lip, Club Foot and being DS - boy did I receive so many looks, so many comments - most were unsure of what to say, others were 'whats wrong with him'. Took me along time to hold my head up high and not worry about what people thought or said - Today I don't care what they think - and yes he is a social butterfly, but he can have the meanest tantrum I have ever seen LOL. But I love him to bits

2under2 · 12/08/2003 11:03

anyone who thinks children with DS are always happy and loving should come to my house today - dd2 had the most almighty tantrum when denied a fourth weetabix, and then hit her sister in the face when dd1 wanted to give her a kiss goodbye. Don't know what's got into her today...

ThomCat · 12/08/2003 12:30

2under2 - 4 weetabix!!!!!! OMG, that's so funny!!!

Jimjams · 12/08/2003 12:30

hee hee 2under2. And anyone who thinks autistic children aren't affectionate should come to this house. Ds1 loves giving ds2 kisses, but ds2 (NT) runs away when he tries.

Original poster
eidsvold · 12/08/2003 19:51

like we all know - there are no generalisations when it comes to kids full stop!!

Oh 2under2 i just giggled when i read about dd2.... i must admit my dd put rest to that happy loving idea at m and toddler group - a little girl was annoying her and telling her she could not play with any of the toys, taking them away from her etc.... then the girl tried to throw a ball at dd.... well dd got her own back - her favourite ploy - pulling hair... and this little one kept at dd until finally the swishy blonde hair was too much of a temptation... dd yanked as hard as she could.... inside I am saying - good for you.. outside I am saying - 'gentle'NO! etc.... but i figured she had had enough of this girl not letting her play with anything...

4 weetabix... wow.... is she an aussie kid?!?! ( sorry there is an ad at home about aussie kids are weetbix kids etc)

OP posts:
Bagpipes · 13/08/2003 11:11

Hey the ad on tv over here in NZ is "Kiwi Kids" are weetbixs kids LOL

Just couldn't resist LOL

Original poster
eidsvold · 13/08/2003 18:07

that is funny bagpipes!!

OP posts:
Original poster
eidsvold · 14/08/2003 12:41

Wish all those people who through children with down's syndrome are always happy and loving were in my house at the moment - one tried dd who was yawning her head off does not want to have a nap - the whole neighbourhood can hear her I am sure.......

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 14/08/2003 12:47

But I bet she's happy being miserable, Eidsvold

scoobysnax · 14/08/2003 13:17

The intention is more important than the words - if someone is trying to be friendly and nice that is the most important thing - if they are inept at it that's unfortunate, but it's not the main thing. I think the only answer is to try to take a positive role in educating as many people as possible in how to behave - not everyone automatically knows, and it's not always their fault that they don't...
When I was in M&S with my friends sweet little sister (age 6) who has downs syndrome, an old lady tried to hit her with her brolly which was truly shocking.