What do you say....

[eidsvold]

I was waiting at the customer service desk and a woman came up to Dd ( sitting cutely in the trolley) and began chatting to her and smiling and asking dd for a smile. Often have older ladies ( middle aged etc we know the type) smiling at dd. I felt smug ( really not the word I want but will do) that she felt my dd was gorgeous enough to chat to!!

That quickly changed when she said to me - I love these children ( emphasis on the these) They are always soooo HAPPY!! and then she walked away. I was so stunned and brought down to earth with a thud. Despite common generalisations - Dd is not always happy - in fact she can cry and shout up a storm. She just does not really do it in public yet.

As I walked away I thought I should have said - what children?!?! and felt disappointed that she stopped to say something to dd because she was one of 'those' children. I surprised myself by how annoyed I was at the woman......

Anyone else have something happen like that?? What do you/did you say?!?!

eidsvold similsr things happen with me and ds. When he was he was in his mc claren major (before he got wheelchair) the old dears as you described so well would say things like
old dear "oh isnt he a lovely baby, how old is he"
me "5"
old dear " oh ooh is there something wrong with him" while looking at him all funnily
me "yes there is"
Sometimes I surprise myself how I have to hold my tongue. Old dears annoys me. Coz they think they should be entitled to know everything.

Also I live on a council estate, where everyone knows everyone. I would hate leaving here as everyone knows the problems my ds has had since birth (they all rallied around)The kids treat my ds so lovely, always going up to him and talking, shaking his hand,asking to take him for a walk.Sometimes there are a couple of derogatory comments by new neighbours that come but these are nipped in the bud very quickly by the old neighbours.I am very lucky in that aspect.

I dont know what you say tbh. I hate it too all that putting people with a particular syndrome/illness as all the same, its stupid. All kids whether normal, SN or otherwise are all induviduals, they all have good and bad points. I have come accross it a few times. Once when I took dd to Jo Jingles, the lady came up to me afterwards and said had we got a diagnosis for her yet? I was really taken aback. I just said no and shuffled of quietly. There is also this woman who supervises for an agility group at our local leisure centre who is always asking 'whats wrong with her?'etc etc but I dont think she means it nasty shes just trying to be friendly I think. Not much help am I.

Also Im sure most people smile at your dd because she IS lovely not because of her special needs.

doormat it must take me ages to type Im so pleased you live in such a nice area and people accept your ds for who he is

Eidsvold my nephew is 14 and has Downs Syndrome. Whenever people find this out they all say teh same thing "Oh ds kids are so happy and loving aren't they?" Tbh it really gets my goat. I usually reply, well yes...some of the time, other times he screams, wails, cries and has tantrums just like every other child in the world. I don't think they mean it in the tone it sounds, but I get cross with this generalisation. All children are in turns loving angels and awful devils, aren't they?

I think that "oh they're so happy" business is because they've heard it and think its something nice to say (I get it with ds1 as well). These people drive me mad eidsvold, but I do think they're trying to be nice (and having heard the stuff that some of their generation come out with to SN kids they are!) so I tend to grit my teeth, smile sweetly , go away and ring a SN friend to have a moan about it!

I know it's not the same thing, but my ds was born with a cleft lip and palate. We knew after the 20 week scan, and when we told people the inevitable reaction was "Oh, well if it's a boy he can grow a moustache..." and then one or two "well if it's a girl she'll have a lovely pout..." several of these were from staff in the hospital...

I think it's just because people don't know what to say and they want to say something positive. I think the majority mean well, and if you can, try and take it in the manner it's intended.

I feel awful beause I always read that alot of disabled people(as they were called then) felt ignored and that people often only adressd the carer. Therefore if i pass a child in a pram or whatever I do make some effort to Not avert my gaze and may smile. Is that wrong? Help am trying to get it right.

I saw the MOST gorgeous baby in a pushchair the other day when I didn't have ds and was feeling very 'mummy' - I looked and smiled and waved, and only then realised he had Down syndrome and was worried the mum thought I was being patronising. It is hard to get it right sometimes! BTW he was the MOST gorgeous little fat baby!

I saw the MOST gorgeous baby in a pushchair the other day when I didn't have ds and was feeling very 'mummy' - I looked and smiled and waved, and only then realised he had Down syndrome and was worried the mum thought I was being patronising. It is hard to get it right sometimes! BTW he was the MOST gorgeous little fat baby!

I saw the MOST gorgeous baby in a pushchair the other day when I didn't have ds and was feeling very 'mummy' - I looked and smiled and waved, and only then realised he had Down syndrome and was worried the mum thought I was being patronising. It is hard to get it right sometimes! BTW he was the MOST gorgeous little fat baby!

did you wave three times?

I doubt you can get it right for everyone - some mothers would be delighted, some may think you were being patronising. I sometimes find myself watching children (as you do!) yet would feel that I couldn't do this if the child was a SN child as I would then think it might look like I was staring.

Eidsvold, I think you should still feel smug that this woman came up to your DD, thought she was gorgeous and asked her for a smile. Isn't that how people behave with "ordinary" children? Some people like fat babies, some like blond ones, this lady liked children who happen to have Downs.

Generalisations strike everywhere don't they! DS1 was a fat baby and everyone assumed he ate for England when in fact he was bf about every 3 hours and was finished in 15 minutes. DS2 is blond with huge grey eyes and looks like an angel - he's not but no one in the street believes it !

Maybe one response to have made to her would have been to laugh and say "Yes, she's happy now but you should see her when XYZ".

Stay smug! Your happy, smiley daughter attracted this woman's attention and made her come over to say hello. Soon enough, she'll be throwing those tantrums, quashing the Happy People myth and attracting the wrong sort of attention

I did not feel bad until the woman felt like she had to qualify her attention ...

I know people smile and coo at dd cause she is cute - even on her bad hair, teething, grumpy days and generally she is very smiley, happy cherub BUT I would like to think they did not make a special effort cause dd has downs syndrome - iykwim..

codswallop - smiling etc is great and doing as you stated addressing the person rather than the carer is also what people want -

aloha I am sure the mother would not have thought you were patronising... you simply did what most people would do - smile and wave etc..

anais - it is surprising how many of the medical profession have those views and make comments like those...

The more I think about it - it is the fact that the woman had to qualify her attention - as I said at the start.. if she had just chatted and asked dd for a smile etc and then said something like what a gorgeous girl ( biased mum here) before moving on then it would have been okay but to say ohhh I love these children - like she was on display..

I don't think I explained myself properly but I hope you can see where I am coming from. It is also nice to know it has not just happened to me.

I did not feel bad until the woman felt like she had to qualify her attention ...

I know people smile and coo at dd cause she is cute - even on her bad hair, teething, grumpy days and generally she is very smiley, happy cherub BUT I would like to think they did not make a special effort cause dd has downs syndrome - iykwim..

codswallop - smiling etc is great and doing as you stated addressing the person rather than the carer is also what people want -

aloha I am sure the mother would not have thought you were patronising... you simply did what most people would do - smile and wave etc..

anais - it is surprising how many of the medical profession have those views and make comments like those...

The more I think about it - it is the fact that the woman had to qualify her attention - as I said at the start.. if she had just chatted and asked dd for a smile etc and then said something like what a gorgeous girl ( biased mum here) before moving on then it would have been okay but to say ohhh I love these children - like she was on display..

I don't think I explained myself properly but I hope you can see where I am coming from. It is also nice to know it has not just happened to me.

I did not feel bad until the woman felt like she had to qualify her attention ...

I know people smile and coo at dd cause she is cute - even on her bad hair, teething, grumpy days and generally she is very smiley, happy cherub BUT I would like to think they did not make a special effort cause dd has downs syndrome - iykwim..

codswallop - smiling etc is great and doing as you stated addressing the person rather than the carer is also what people want -

aloha I am sure the mother would not have thought you were patronising... you simply did what most people would do - smile and wave etc..

anais - it is surprising how many of the medical profession have those views and make comments like those...

The more I think about it - it is the fact that the woman had to qualify her attention - as I said at the start.. if she had just chatted and asked dd for a smile etc and then said something like what a gorgeous girl ( biased mum here) before moving on then it would have been okay but to say ohhh I love these children - like she was on display..

I don't think I explained myself properly but I hope you can see where I am coming from. It is also nice to know it has not just happened to me.

Yes and no... is it much different from saying "oooh I love fat babies, they're so cuddly"? I'm not getting at you BTW, just curious and trying to sort out the right/wrong things to say

Soupy I don't think it is any different.... that poor mother will then be paranoid about their baby's weight wouldn't they.... probably similar to other comments people get regarding babies that make us stop and think and get worried about - feeding, development, weight, etc ....

Eissvold I do know exactly where you are coming from. My friend's dd has learning diffulties amongst many other things and people saying "oh at least she's happy" is her biggest bugbear.

It's liek the woman I met on the beach the other say who asked whether ds1 was autistic (her sister taught autis)- she was fine and very kind and walked ds1 down to the sea- and was generally lovely- but she still said a fw things that grated like "oh my sister loved working with children with learning difficulties, although of course her children were very bright".?????? What's that meant to mean - I wanted to say "he is brigh actually" but didn't- I knew she meant it well. In fact I have come to the conclusion that generally the majority (not all) of people with normal kids do say the wrong things !! (no offence to anyone). I think it's a mixture of embarrassement and also really not understanding that we love our children as much as they love thier normal kids (again mass generalisation but something I have come across a lot). They juts don;t understand that and can't help bu see our kiddies as a tradgedy therefore whatver they say comes out wrong. Now I just try to take it in the spirt its' intended. If someone says something to me I'm kind of half grateful anyway- better than just staring or being offensive.

I do comepletely kow where you are coming from though. Had a few glasses of wine so I'm being a bit philosphical. Off to bed to read Harry Potter now. Aloha- get the red tent- you'll love it- especiall the description of God!

oh dear my typing has gone to pot. Hope you can decode previous message- I haven't drunk that much!!

Jimjams,

"They juts don;t understand that and can't help bu see our kiddies as a tradgedy therefore whatver they say comes out wrong"

I'm still not sure I'm qualified to comment as my ds isn't exactly sn, but wouldn't say they see 'our' kids as a tragedy. I suspect that never having had a child with 'problems' they can't imagine what it must be like, and see it from the point of view of having 'normal' children. They then see the problems as something 'missing' from their children as they know them - rather than us as parents, having dealt with the problems from the start. Does that make any sense?

yes anais - I think that is it exactly. They see their normal child and think it woud be horrendous for their child to be like ours. I suppose it then becomes difficult to say anything appropriate.

The only thing I really object to is when people treat ds1 as if he's less important than their "perfect" child. Or act as if I would love him less than they love their child. But to be honest I just tend not to bother seeing people like that In fact the people I really object to (rant coming on now) are the professionals who say "oh look my dd/granddaughter/son whoever could understnad such and such at 2 and your 4 year old can't because tey don't have theory of mind, understanding of grammer/wahtever". Well boogaloo my son could sing perfectly in tune at 15 months. Difference is cool etc!

I know that people are only being friendly and mean well etc but it is the "hit you in the face, thud back down to earth" aspect of it all.
Sometimes we want to just get on with our shopping etc without being asked X, Y and Z about our childs condition, because it brings back all the unhappy memories IYKWIM.

You know the one that gets me is 'theres nothing wrong with her, she looks fine' She is not normal and she is not fine. When she is standing still she most probably looks normal but when she does her funny little walk I think they change their tune

Fio that gets me too, because then I feel like I have to justify ds's problems, and I shouldn't have to. It always leaves me feeling like I am not really believed.