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Original poster

suprised at being so upset..............

29 replies

anniebear · 28/08/2005 17:51

my Younger sister has just called and told me she is pregnant (and shocked)

After selfishly thinking there's my help from my Mum gone!! I really cried, I shall be the only one with a SN child, out of me and my two sisters. The only one that is stressed, depressed, cracking up and totally haggard looking through lack of sleep!!! My older sisters little girl is 11, they have had a easy life with her, she hasn't been any trouble.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want my either of my sisters children to have any illnesses and am close to them and both my Mum and Dad.

Just can't help thinking, why me out of the 3 of us.

Just surprised at how upset I am. My Mum dotes on my two. Really loves them both and is fantastic with Ellie. But am thinking everyone's else's family will be 'normal' and we are the ones that are stressed and are the only ones shutting doors when we visit my Mums, making sure everything is safe etc.

Suppose I am worried my Mum will dote on this new Grandchild and Ellies problems will seem worse.

Even crossed my mind that someday her baby will over take Ellie with it's development (shes only 5 weeks gone!!!!!!!)

I just feel really stupid feeling like this. I am shattered today and feeling really low anyway which doesn't help. And I know I have yet to come to terms with Ellie being ill.

Does this make sense? Didn't expect to fell like this. Expected to be bit selfish and worry that my Mum will have to share her 'help' time!! But didn't think I'd be so upset thinking like this

I have put off posting all holidays as I have been stressed as usual and every post would have been a moaning one!

Sorry is all a bit of a waffle and sorry for sounding so sorry for myself

OP posts:
Original poster
anniebear · 28/08/2005 17:51

If you all think I sound like a totally selfish person, please tell me nicely!!!!!! lol

OP posts:
Jimjams · 28/08/2005 17:53

What you are feeling is normal. You just want someone else to understand what it is like. Also as the pregnancy goes on and when you see your niece/nephew the feelings will go- just ride with them.

Original poster
anniebear · 28/08/2005 17:56

Thank you Jimjams!!!!

Just wanted needed to hear that

xxx

OP posts:
Twiglett · 28/08/2005 17:57

makes perfect sense to me

the weirdest things knock you down I find, stuff you weren't expecting to bother you suddenly does, and if you ever tried to explain to other people you'd sound like a total fruit and nut

but you will come out of this phase (although might slip back into it again of course)

and in the end there will be another family member to love your girls

moondog · 28/08/2005 17:58

anniebear,you sound so sad and low. It's easy to see why,but think of it from another angle. The wonderful thing about love is that there is always room for more. Never ceases to amaze me how in my own family,another baby comes along (there are 8 between my two sisters and I) and a few months on,we can't ever remember life without him/her!
And yet,the older ones aren't any less loved either are they?

It will be lovely for your dd to grow up surrounded by nieces and nephews to love her,help her and be with her.It really will.

I hope you feel better tomorrow.

XXX

Davros · 28/08/2005 19:28

It can be a shock when something unexpected kicks you in the stomach, and then you feel bad for feeling bad iyswim. Its one of those realisation/transition times. At least you are being honest with yourself about it and you'll move on, we have to don't we? Here's a rarity from me, although they're becoming more and more common these days! [[hugs]]

Original poster
anniebear · 28/08/2005 19:29

Davros

I am very very honoured at getting a hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you

xxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
MrsEffervescent · 28/08/2005 19:52

i'll confess something here...and slap me if you want to.

My brother and wife have NO time for us...and expect all children to be seen and not heard...keep their choclatey fingers to themselves etc..... and as far as Autism goes...despite his wife being a teacher...and having taught several ASD lads recently...they refuse to accept the diagnosis etc...and certainly don't understand why we don't pay them frequent social calls etc....

so now i have the attitude...They KNow Where We Are.....and if ever they have a baby...they will soon understand why once they are mobile....why parents of ANY child are less mobile themselves....and that if you add a sprinkling of SN or even a couple more babies...then eventualy you become HOUSEBOUND

So....now for my confession.....

My brother is Sooooooooooooooo 'Un-diagnosed Asperger's...so nasty cow that i am... i have this hope that they have a ASD child too..... and then they will understand how difficult life can be.....

there...i've said it.

Damn me..... i know i should't wish anything on anyone.... but i suppose i am a nasty cow at heart ...an i feel good for clearing that off my chest.....

sorry if i upset anyone..... i just HATE my brother and wife for all the 'fun' they have...friends to stay...pub meals out... weekends away...etc....and real jealousy here as they have oodles of money (they have been married 3 years)...after me and DH had been matrried only 2 years we were £15,000 in debt due to negative equiy etc....

so all in all...i resent all they do and have.... as they could find the time to visit- but they are always so 'busy' with their own life.

Then i feel guilty- as i said he is i'm sure AS himself...so maybe he leads this 'solitary...routine bound ' life...not out of selfishness...but because he has AS??????

Anyhow....as far as i am concerned...We are camping in Holland...and they are on a gondala in Venice.

Italy

Saker · 28/08/2005 19:58

I have to admit I have had similar thoughts. A friend of mine told me her third child wasn't smiling and reaching out as much as she thought he should be and she was worried about his eyesight as her oldest has has problems with his eyes. I found myself secretly hoping that her son would turn out to have some communication problems so I wouldn't be the only one. Isn't that terrible? And then I feel really guilty for thinking it.

And I felt worried about seeing my 18month old nephew last week because I knew he would already be doing some things better than 4y old Ds2. And although my nephew has no words yet, seeing how good his non-verbal communication is already really rubs it in.

Original poster
anniebear · 28/08/2005 20:05

Obviously if there are others that have these thoughts and feelings, its quite natural, so I don't feel so bad now.

Thank you

Maybe we should start a confession of feelings thread!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm even worried that I am not going to want to see her baby too much or hear about it's development

My sister and I are close, I was the first one she came to tell today. But I can see that certain things may upset me.

OP posts:
wads · 28/08/2005 21:16

Have to admit to be very jealous of NS nieces and nephews & spend all family meetings thinking "you've got no idea how easy you have it" about my brother & sister. As for grandma preferring NS grandchild over SN I know my mum spoils DS more than the others (presents & time spent) tho' MIL treats him like a poor little thing who should be pitied & treated with kid gloves. Ggggrrrrr.

wads · 28/08/2005 21:23

sh*t. Have just been alerted by burning smell to fact I left tomorrow's lunch for DD on stove while posting!!!

YogiYahooey · 28/08/2005 21:37

Anniebear I reckon what you must feel is quite natural. Though when the baby is born there will be a lot of fuss initially and your mum may be all over the new tot, give your mum some time to do this it won't change the way she feels about your girls - she will still be there for you, she is a mum too and she obviously cares about you. Sit back and ride it out things will get back to norm but with an extra little one.
ps don't feel guilty about your feelings at least you are honest with yourself.
here's a hug from me too!

Thomcat · 28/08/2005 21:51

When I had Lottie a sort of freind, more a friend of a friend but I saw her a lot at social gathering, was due at the same time. I found being round her, while she was still pregnant and then when she had her very beautiful little girl, incredibly difficult. Ohhh it was so hard.
Then I'd look at parents out and about who had had kids later in life and think, how come you were ok aye? I'd look at mothers who were shouting and swearing and smoking and think, why are all your kids okay and mine has DS? Everyone around me had NT children and I felt very lonely, very singled out. I've gotton over that now though.

eidsvold · 28/08/2005 23:30

What you are feeling is very real. I have periods feeling like this all the time. My bro and SIL have two girls born in the same years as my two. My dn1 is just a couple of months older than dd1 and yet the gap is already visible.... I posted here ealier in the year how sad and upset I was about my dn2 who was not even 1 walking already and dd1 who was almost 3 not looking like walking for ages ( okay she proved me wrong) but that upset me seeing a 10 month old doing things my 3yo couldn't.

Luckily for us - my SIL is fab - she adores dd1 and celebrates every success with us. She gives me ideas on how to deal with 'normal' things when they crop up with dd1... and we chuckle over shared behaviour!!!

But that does not stop me feeling sad and upset about things. I guess that will also occur when dd2 overtakes dd1 in terms of development etc.

A lot of my friends had babies when I had dd1 and yup I was the only one who had a child with SN and it made me angry and upset.

TC when I had dd1 and she was in SCBU - there was a guy who came into SCBU to see his baby going on about him being a 'problem' his whole life etc... The babe was in just for monitoring as mum had gestational diabetes and the babe was fine. I have never had to control my anger so much as I did in that moment..... next to his baby was a little premmie who was struggling to hang onto life and then dd in her humidicrib and so on. I have never felt so violent towards another human being as I did in that moment. I was even angrier when dh came in and told me that this guy and his mates were outside the hospital smoking, drinking being total yobs..... I felt it was sooo unfair.

That ramble was probably not worth anything - but anniebear - I think these feelings come in waves - you ride them and then things seem okay and then something happens again and you feel like you are back there again.

Original poster
anniebear · 29/08/2005 09:13

Thanks everyone for your replies

xxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
tensing · 29/08/2005 09:23

Its natural to feel this way, and I am sure your mother will still be there to help, especially after the new baby novelty wears off.

SoBlue · 29/08/2005 09:31

anniebear i know how u feel and iv had a NT child and i have 2 sn ds's and they are different in their capabilities one being mild. Their problems have affected them both in different ways that have restricted their lives. But the youngest ASD is considered to be a 'health and safety hazard' at his ms school a danger to adults/children and himself. Iv read many school reports in the past that have made me glow with pride or think wait till i you get home. But this doesn't really apply with this last one and i have to admit im lost, iv no real plan of action, no cure... Other parents relax and take things for granted, i lurk nearby listening and watching his every move and word. All any of us can do is try and help them achieve the best they are capable of and hope its enough to get them by in this world. But one thing i know is my son is not experiencing the feelings that i have so im glad for that.

lucyep · 29/08/2005 11:01

I know how you all feel too. I haven't spoken to my brother since his wife announced their first pregnancy - 4 years ago. DD2 has loads of heart problems, no spleen, pacemaker, malrotation of gut and poor sight. He told my mum that he hoped his child was born healthy and that he didn't want one like my dd2. His mother in law even told my mum that there were no health problems on their side of the family and that if baby was born with probs then it was down to poor genes on our side and that dd2 should have been allowed to die at birth as she was a huge drain on the NHS!

Original poster
anniebear · 29/08/2005 17:08

thats awful lucyep.

Im fortunate enough to have a close relationship with my Mum, Dad and Sister

Still hard though!!

OP posts:
sis · 29/08/2005 19:37

lucyep! That is so awful!

Lillypond · 30/08/2005 09:49

Anniebear - I completely understand how you feel.

Lucyep - Shame on your brother and his MIL.

saadia · 30/08/2005 10:51

lucyep, your post made me so sad. Some people are heartless. I'm not surprised you havent't spoken to your brother. His comments are shocking, his mil's are too but brothers are supposed to love their sisters and their nieces.

Jimjams · 30/08/2005 11:02

lucyep- dh's bil told me he "didn't want a ds1". I'm not very polite to him these days.

tallulah · 31/08/2005 12:33

Been there- got the T shirt. Mrs F, are you my sister?!!!! My brother has a DD from his prev relationship who is a year younger than my DD and is lovely. Him and his new wife have no children, won't visit us because of SILs "allergies" (harrumph) and look down their noses at our kids.

Out of our 4, eldest & youngest are NT. The middle two have dyspraxia- one is also profoundly long sighted while the other has ADHD. DH has 2 brothers who have 2 dss each- all of them NT.

Annie, it isn't fair and it does make you want to jump up and down and scream and cry. Other days are OK. You aren't stupid or horrible for feeling bad- it's only natural. It will get better.