This old chestnut -again.

[siblingrivalry]

I can't talk to anyone in RL about this -family and friends just wouldn't understand -so can I just have a self-indulgent moan here please?

Yet again, I find myself really broody and desperate for another baby. I have 2 dds -dd1 has AS, dd2 is NT.

I have gone through this on and off for years,but all of a sudden I feel like time is running out. It's stupid, really, cos I'm stretched to the limit with the dds and all of dd1's extra needs, but I can't stop longing for another child.

I feel like the risk is just too big, though. DH is very, very likely AS -so there is a high chance of another child having an ASD. That's not what puts me off, it's the fact that I don't think there would be enough of me to go round and I wouldn't cope well enough.

I am so maternal, always have been, and planned at least 3 children. Now, I don't like myself because I'm feeling envious of other people getting pg without a thought to the kind of issues we face.

I saw a 9 week old baby today and I literally ached to hold her -ridiculous, really, I know.

I just don't feel like I'm 'done' yet and I'm so scared that this is going to eat me up and I will live with the regret of stopping at 2. Then I feel like a selfish cow, cos I am lucky to have 2 beautiful little girls who give me so much happiness.

I needed to get that off my chest -thanks for letting me rant

I would love another baby and just like you always wanted three. My DD1 has AS and DD2 is being assessed. I'd go straight ahead if I knew that an affected child would be like my two but I could end up with a child who is much further along the spectrum and has serious long term care needs. I'm not sure it would be right for me to knowingly risk altering life so much for my existing family.

My solution is to be a childminder. I'm sooooo excited because I will start minding a 5 month old girl on 1st Sept. It's not the same as one of your own but you do get those lovely baby cuddles.

Thinking about it though, it really isn't anywhere near as good as that beautiful feeling when you snuggle up with your own tiny dot who looks and smells just perfect and relies on you for absolutely everything

Don't know if it helps to say that I often read posts from big(ger) SN families and feel very relieved that DS is an only child. I'm not too sure I would want more than one even he were NT anyway, but the SN issues really cemented the decision for me.

I know I have so much more freedom compared to other SN families due to being able to care for him 1:1 (as he does need 1:1 supervision) - I would really struggle trying to cope with another child as well, just travelling or everyday errands and chores. Not to mention trying to juggle appointments and devoting time to statementing/tribunals and spending money on his extra needs and choosing activities that he can cope with. We manage to do a lot of things that families here can't - holidays, cinema, days out.

I do wonder about having another child sometimes, but the past few years have been so draining that I want to devote some time to me now, and I don't think that's possible with the risk of having another ASD child.

Thanks for replying -you both talk perfect sense.

Al1son, I have the same thoughts as you -if I had a child much more complex needs than dd1, how would we cope? And how would dd1 be affected?
I think it's a primal need to reproduce and it takes a lot of time to talk yourself into ignoring your instincts. I will just have to try harder.
Enjoy the lovely baby you will be looking after -you will get the lovely bits without the 24/7 exhaustion and demands;sounds perfect

simplyone -I can totally see where you are coming from. I feel a great deal of guilt about dd2;she just seems to get on with things and often has to take a back seat.

As for the time for myself -I definitely need that! As dd1 gets older, her needs have actually increased and there is no let-up in the amount of attention she demands.
It's heart and head, I suppose.

If you're like me head will win and heart will survive with the occasional pang.

Yeah, that's pretty much what I've done for the past few years Al1son. We seem to think alike

When I have a bad day with dd1, or I get some precious time with dd2, I am actually relieved that I haven't got another child -I just wouldn't have the time or energy.

It doesn't hurt to have a bit of a moan now and then eh?

been there and still there :( we had always planned on 3 children and I know DH wanted a boy, as much as he loves our beutiful girls. The decision has beent aken out of our hands because of DH treatment but i still find myself longing for another baby, especially as DD2 is heading to preschool too.
I have just got a puppy which seems to help a little bit as it brings back how hard babies are
I just keep my mind on the fact that one day when the girls are older I might get to become a fostercarer and then I'll have plenty of kids

hugs

Foster caring is a dream of mine but I don't think DH will ever be up for it. Shame but it has to be a joint thing. I hope it works out for you one day Lisa.

I know what you are saying, SR. We had always envisaged having 4 children. To be honest, I think that DD3 is very lucky that I was 9 weeks pregnant with her when DD1 was identified as having SN. I don't think we would have chosen to TTC after finding out. DD3 is 16 months now, and is an absolute treasure, one of a kind. But life is very hard with 3 under 5 and DD1's needs. I can't go out with the 3 girls on my own, because DD3 still needs a buggy, and DD1 needs her Mac Major because she is too dangerous without.

I see newborns and feel a little leap in my stomach of yearning, but I am under the table with the 3 I've got.

huge sympathys , in some ways is easier as ds is my last child and have 3 others including dd

between him and the others needs medical rather than sn I know would not cope with anymore am on my knees atm waiting for September when he will start school

Just a thought for Al1son, if DH is not up for fostering, would he consider being short break carer? this would likely only be one weekend a month, at most, and I know from my pre mummy days as a social worker that it is a positive experience all round. (I know there will lots out there who do not access to such a service and will possibly be grinding their teeth at me.)

Your local fostering team would give info..

Just a thought.

And a PS for the main thread, I only have one, (had to have help to have him) and he will be be an only, partly due to dh also being disabled with degenerative condition. I can see both sides, pressures of caring and desire to have more... everyone's situtation is different. I do have friends who have asked if we will have more, but they are the ones who don't 'get' ds and dh!

Hope you find a path that suits you...

I'm with simplyone on this. Even if ds had been NT I'm not sure I would've done it again. I never saw myself with more put than one. I am the product of a dysfunctional family and I decided that I would my paltry efforts into one, badly, than risk 2/3 appallingly and reliving the horror on the next generation.

But that's just me.

Am also a teacher (yr 1) and so I have plenty of children in my life.

When ds started school we got a puppy - for therapeutic effect on ds. Didn't work but it kept me busy!!

I hope you find a way round it soon.

I'll never have another not so much ds Sn or worry about another child with Sn for me it's because of dd her condtions are genectic and I have a hard time dealing with thought of another dc with it knowing that potenially will condem them to a early death

But why don't you. Give it bit of time see how you feel year down the line

Thanks for replying, everyone. It's sad that it's a really common feeling and that there are lots of us in the same boat.

And like you, Lougle, if dd1 had her dx before dd2 was born, then I doubt we would have even had a second child.I'm 100% glad we have dd2, but I think I would have been thinking along the same lines as I am now if I had known about dd's AS.So, it's a mixed blessing -had we known, then dd1 would have got help earlier. But dd2 probably wouldn't be here and I am so grateful that she is.

DD2 is NT, with a few 'quirks' that don't seem to impact on her life. And in a weird way, her presence has helped dd1 -she has had to learn to deal with the accompanying noise and chaos dd2 brings

I am really pleased that some of you have been able to 'make peace', as it were, with not having more dc and this is reassuring.

Have a good day everyone xx

oh i too have had these thoughts absolutey aching for another child,

but ds has come along so far and is functioning pretty good and the fears of having another child with severe needs i of course would love the child but wether i could cope would be another thing,

and its possible another child would have SN as it does run in my dp side of the family and ds obviously has ASD but not severe and im able to go out again ,

ive gone back to work in a school only lunch hours but its a sence of me doing something i get to see friends alone now as ds accepts me going out and the fear of losing my freedom and life that i have panics me so much

but still the longing is there its natural i think but the head has to rule on this one as i know how much i struggled before ds got to the place his at,
and it was hard i could not do it again ill appreciate what i have,

i fill my time with friends children and to be honest once im done with them im relieved to go home with my one child who is in bed and glad my time is mine to rest

i just make sure i have other children around my ds friend who is very good with him comes to stay and im now at a place that yes it hurts to not have another child but i also know its the right thing to do as i know i would struggle took me along time to get where i am now

and took alot of time to get ds where he is too so would not want to set anything back now but look forward to whats yet to come with work etc friends and just having lots of other children around to fill the gap

Lovely post, bubblagirl -you talk a lot of sense
And it's lovely to read how well your ds is doing;I have been in this board for a while and I remember how hard things were for you. I'm so pleased you are able to carve out some time for yourself x

thank you siblingrivalry its good to be back on here to talk to you all again in that time alot has changed for the better this end so im really happy

hope your doing well x

Well I felt the same way, jumped and on top of AS ds1, dyspraxic 9so likely same gene) ds2 and asd ds3 got apaprently completely NT ds4.

It was a gamble.

I needed to eb able to say to myself that if the alst baby (and I do feel done now) has ASD can I cope? and answer yes.

But remember you get the love as well as the responsibility too.

we've done everything we could to minimise everry risk we could think of- GFCF, still breastfeeding past 2 etc. We had to, for our own sanity.

And it was also nice to stick two fingers up to ASD and say 'hey you don't scare me' (even if it does, really)

It's a hard thing to decide isn't it.

I would love another one of my own and I am a foster carer and often have babies, I am having a newborn in a few weeks and have just had a 7month old for a week.
However I still ache for another one of my own, to bf and keep. (am too old and too poor in reality).

Having a baby in the house has been great for the other kids, it has given us a focus and helps with empathy for the two with sn. This is the first baby I have had since my ds dx and fostering another child with sn, but I have been suprised how easy it has been. Yes its's been busy and had less time to MN but it's been very managable, hence agreeing to a newborn.

So don't rule it out completly, only you know how much it means to you and how much you could cope with.

The empathy point is good

I have seen more empathy gained as a result of having ds4 than every effort we deliberately made

But I won't underplay the work or fear either: that's a big part of the deal too

I know how you are feeling, i would love another child. Both my dd's are on the spectrum (dd1 has AS and DD2 HFA). Dh and i keep discusing it but we always decide its best to wait or its best to stick with what we already have. I get very broody when i see babies. I don't think we will have anymore (and that makes me sad), DH is 42 this year and feels he is getting to old to have another, i'm only 28 and would like to think that i could have more when the dd's are older.

I can see your DH's point of view there Marne, being of a similar age, but 28 is quite young to accept you that you won't have more children. That broody feeling really is overwhelming isn't it. I itch to pick little babies up and feel like there's always going to be a hole in my life where my third child should be.

Can I just rock the boat, not intentionally, but I want to put my view forward as I was in a slightly similar boat a year ago...

DD has severe delay due to a rare chromosomal disorder. Part of this is hyperactivity which makes our lives pretty tricky. Then we have DS who is perfect.

But ever since DD was diagnosed (she's now 4) I have been obsessed with the idea of having another child to help DS look after her when we are dead. Sounds morbid but my father died when I was little and I am always worried about who will look after DD in the future.

Her condition is de novo, ie it's genetic but happened for the first time with her. So after lots of talking to our geneticist, I decided to go for another child. I had CVS when 15 or so weeks pregnant, to see if the child had what DD has. Thankfully the results came back negative.

I now have a little baby boy who - as far as I can see, touch wood etc - is perfect, and while I am the tiredest I have EVER been, and quite often feel terrified at what have I got myself into, I genuinely think I have done the right thing having another - for my son's sake AND for my daughter's. He will have an ally, someone to have a pint with and sympathise, or when he's younger, a 'normal' sibling to play with (DD not good at playing), and she will have two siblings to help look after her years down the line. Of course there is every reason one (or indeed both) of the boys will choose to live in Australia/not help her at all, but I very much hope that if we try our hardest to bring them up as the loving and kind little boys that DS1 now is, they will want to help their sister as much as they can.

Just a thought. I realise I am not in the position of having a hereditary condition to deal with. But for years I pondered: Should I , shouldn't I, and then I took the plunge and now am glad I did. DD is being pretty damn tricky at the moment, and having a minute grinning at my new smiley baby is a TONIC!

Good luck with whichever way you go - there are pros and cons with both, so no right answer xx

It's lovely to know that it worked out the way you hoped litdog. Your decision makes perfect sense to me.

I don't think either of my girls will need an enormous amount of support when they are older and hopefully they'll support each other to some extent when we are not around for them. My worry is more about creating (for want off a better word) a sibling who they feel obliged to care for and who has a serious negative impact on their lives now. They both have needs which I can meet at the moment and make their lives as stress-free as possible. Another child could be NT and a great support to them but it could go the other way too.

It feels a little like we are denying life to that possible third child because of the risk. There's loads of room in my heart for him/her but I'll have to just live with that I think.