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I need to write something for a meeting, I think I need to apologise & back down; I don't think I can do it gracefully

36 replies

KatyMac · 20/07/2010 21:10

Oh bugger

DD is definitely seeing much more than previously - even if she is having difficulty telling us

She is also the happy, bubbly child she was pre this whole episode

& while I still say she should have been scanned months ago I really can't see any point ding this now

The big 'professionals meeting' is on Thursday & it would appear to be a waste of time for everyone - but no-one is answering my calls so I can't postpone or cancel it - so I better write something to be presented.

I could do with a great writer to help me, someone epic, you know Shakespeare, Dickens, Jacqueline Wilson

Oh Bugger (did I say that before)

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justaboutblowingbubbles · 20/07/2010 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LaDiDaDi · 20/07/2010 21:46

I don't think that you need to apologise at all!

I think that you should simply say how pleased that you are about the fantastic improvements in your dd's vision and that you recognise that now that the underlying cause of her difficulties has not been physical.

Really pleased for your dd btw .

Lougle · 20/07/2010 21:47

Dear Professionals

Over the course of the last x weeks, I have noticed that DD's sight appears to be improving. Whilst it is hard to ascertain the exact nature of that improvement, as she is unable to articulate it clearly, there have been clearly discernible improvements in her negotiation of obstacles, navigation and .

I understand that you are meeting to discuss the need or otherwise for diagnostic procedures to rule out or confirm a physical cause for the sight difficulties DD has been experiencing. As you are all aware, I have been strongly in favour of ensuring a full investigation of any physical causes for her sight difficulties. However, given the clear and progressive improvement of DD's sight over the course of the last few weeks, I nolonger feel that this is necessary, and am concerned that any investigations will place further stress on DD, causing a slowing of the progress she is making.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the care you have given DD, and it is my sincere hope that with the support of the psychological services she is receiving, she will continue to progress and recover complete use of her sight.

Many thanks once again

Katymac

LaDiDaDi · 20/07/2010 21:51

That reads beautifully and gives a clear pecis of the situation imo.

KatyMac · 20/07/2010 21:51

I have to say I agree more with Justabout's explanation than yours LaDiDaDi (but that could be because I want to)

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LaDiDaDi · 20/07/2010 21:51

precis

KatyMac · 20/07/2010 21:52

Hmm - mine looks quite different

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LaDiDaDi · 20/07/2010 21:54

x posts, fair enough KatyMac. I certainly think that the improvement is the most important thing .

Lougle · 20/07/2010 21:54

Katymac - yours comes from your knowledge of the situation. Use yours Only you know how everything fits together.

KatyMac · 20/07/2010 21:56

I need a better word than 'mismanage' it's not right/correct but (& you won't like it - I probably will rewrite it 7 or 8 times; you know like the letter to the boyfriend that dumped you)

"We have good news and we have bad news.....first the good news:

We are fairly sure, as a family, that DD can see again.
We are also fairly sure, as a family, that she is in a much stronger emotional position than she has been since before this began.

Now the bad news:

We feel that this whole situation has been mismanaged from the start. DD was a happy, cheerful soul, who had normal teenage (preteen) moods; she was a bit down when she was ill in the autumn and actually quite down after having Pleurisy in January. But she was OK.

Then at the end of February she lost her sight, suddenly, over 2 or 3 days and instead of scans and blood tests that were suggested at our initial A&E appointment, we had eye tests and were told it would be ?gone by tea-time? and we ?shouldn?t worry?. I think this initial contact at the hospital was the start of our insecurity and disillusionment with what has happened to us. What a bizarre and impossible thing to tell a parent of a seemingly blind child ? ?not to worry?.

No-one over the whole 21 weeks of this situation has taken DD?s blood pressure, or checked if she has an infection, or was anaemic, or considered her general health in any way. I think this was a mistake, these things should have been checked.

A lot has been made of my refusal to accept this ?psychological diagnosis? when in fact I have felt quite strongly, OK she has this ?conversion disorder? or whatever it?s called but I think there is something else going on as well. I didn?t know what that was or how I could find out but I was sure ?there was something else?.

Now I may have been wrong or I may have been right but we will never know because some basic checks (never mind the scans) weren?t done when DD was first presented at the hospital.

I think it?s very important for the next parents of a child with this condition to be treated differently. Parents ?know? about their child, they have intrinsic knowledge about how their child ?ticks?.

DD struggles to talk about her emotions with the psychologist but anyone who knew her before this incident would have said she was extremely good at vocalising and describing how she was feeling. She was previously articulate, with an excellent vocabulary she was able and willing to talk about how she felt, her emotions and how she perceived other people to feel.

I attended training called ?Right from the Start? some years ago it was developed by Scope for dealing with diagnoses, parents and children with more complicated problems. It was interesting, horrifying and disappointing that the concepts involved in the diagnosis and informing parents were missing."

There does need to be some more, but I'm not sure what yet....I do like bits of your Lougle, I'll have a think

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Lougle · 20/07/2010 22:04

Ok, yes, that does read very differently. And I can see why. I am a little bit confused about what your goal is. I take it that your general argument is that she doesn't need a scan now, but she did then?

What is your deep-down thought? Do you think that she has had an unconscious psychological reaction that has stopped her sight, or do you think that there was a physical cause that has resolved over time?

KatyMac · 20/07/2010 22:13

Physical cause which has resolved/self-corrected through time

100%

Without a doubt

But I can't prove it, I do think they need to consider how they deal with parents when diagnosing this sort of condition, in fact I really don't think an ophthalmologist should be allowed to diagnose it, it should be passed to a psychologist (or a different sort of expert)

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KatyMac · 20/07/2010 22:16

"We have good news and we have bad news.....first the good news:

We are fairly sure, as a family, that DD can see again.
We are also fairly sure, as a family, that she is in a much stronger emotional position than she has been since before this began although there are obviously some continuing psychological issues which need addressing"

"Also I think some of the problems are due to my inability to express my thoughts, fears and theories whist under extreme stress" needs to go somewhere but I'm not sure where?

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KatyMac · 20/07/2010 22:18

"Also I think some of the problems are due to my inability to articulate my thoughts, fears and theories whist under extreme stress and I must accept my portion of the blame for the continuing confusion over my feelings and needs" might be better

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WetAugust · 20/07/2010 22:23

I'd forget the letter and go ahead with the meeting.

I can't see the purpose of the letter at all. is it a complaint? If so it needs to be much more formal.

At the momment it just reads as a disjointed aimless rant.

Best wishes

KatyMac · 20/07/2010 22:26

Disjointed aimless rant - works for me - as I said I will rewrite it several times & it will (most probably) end up in the bin with a polite, nondescript bit sent in; but doesn't writing it all down make you feel better?

I'm not at the meeting (not invited, not allowed to attend)

The people at the meeting aren't answering the phone

How do I tell them what has happened?

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Lougle · 20/07/2010 22:29

I think WetAugust has a point. You do need to decide what you are writing the letter for.

Your OP title says "I think I need to apologise & back down", but the letter you have written doesn't do that at all.

I do think that there should have been a thorough investigation of your DD's sight loss. But, now, at this time, you are in a situation where her sight is returning.

What do you want them to do?

Lougle · 20/07/2010 22:30

Does the medic involved have a secretary? You could pass a message on through them.

cory · 20/07/2010 22:30

I agree that if you are going to write to them it needs to be with a very clear goal in mind. It is emotional, the language is not formal enough for a proper complaint, and it is not at all clear what the recipients are expected to do with it.

Personally, if I were you I would just go ahead with the scan if they think this is the right thing to do. The worst that can happen is that they don't find anything: that won't leave you in a worse position than if you send this letter.

But if you do decide to send it, then make it clearer and more formal.

WetAugust · 20/07/2010 22:31

Aah - I now understand - this is the only way of them hearing your voice at the meeting.

First thing I'd be asking is why i'm not bloody well invited to a meeting about my own child - where's the working in partnership with parents?

I#d just do a chronology - stating facts - but that's the Aspie in me.

I don't do 'new age' tochy-feely - how it affects me sort of letters.

I do thank you letters and kick ass snotto-letters. Is there anything in between

KatyMac · 20/07/2010 22:32

I'm not sure what I want

I guess I hope by writing it down I may work it out

I certainly don't want scans etc now

I think I would like them to consider how they deal with parents when this happens again

I'd really like to have no further contact with the eye clinic at all but I accept that may be impossible

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WetAugust · 20/07/2010 22:34

Why don't you want the scans - that seems perverse to me. The scand could rule out anything sinister and put your mind at rest.

I wasbricking myself before my DS had EEG and ECG but I'm glad he had them and nothing was found.

WetAugust · 20/07/2010 22:34

ooops - meant MRI (not ECG)

cory · 20/07/2010 22:41

Katymac, could it be that you are in the situation I have been in so many times: terrified that scans and tests will fail to show anything wrong with dd and that everybody (perhaps even I) will then be fully confirmed in their idea of me as a hysterical semi-Munchausen mother who is more or less causing my dd's problems?

Because I've been there so many times and it's a shit place to be .

But I still felt I didn't have the right to refuse tests if they were offered- just in case there was something. And I found the one way I could retain some dignity was by being quite formal in my dealings with the medical profession and trying very hard not to take offence (or at least not to show them). In the end, medics have ended up accepting that some of dd's problems are physical, and I have ended up accepting that some of them are psychological, we all agree that a misdiagnosis was made at first, but we have tried to let bitterness go over that one.

KatyMac · 20/07/2010 22:47

I guess nothing will make me feel better about what happened

I don't want to make a complaint, I think they are pointless & cost money

I guess I want the next parent in my position to be treated with more respect, concern and care & I really don't think an ophthalmologist to should diagnose it.

I don't think the tests are relevant now because she has 'got over' what ever it was - we are now dealing with the remaining psychological stuff

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