11 year old is violent. Advice needed.

[SCReindeer]

I need some advice. Im at the end of my tether. My 11 year old son has SEN issues. Hes undiagnosed but we are trying hard to get him seen and are under psicon which is taking years. I believe he has autism/PDA. He is constantly lashing out at furniture. He was punching me for about 6 months a few years ago and thats stopped.

We moved house last year. I bought him all new furniture and made it really nice. Today, he has no door because he punched holes in it. His desk is falling apart and the draws are all broken because he constantly punches it. The headboard is snapped off his bed, he's punched multiple holes in the side of his wardrobe and broken the door on it. Hes snapped off part of the window sill and stole a knife from the kitchen and stabbed it into the window sill. He hid the knife in some clothes. Its a strong knife and the tip was snapped off. Hes broken a number of his stuffed toys. He has also used something to dig scratches into his walls, he's bent the curtain rail.

He has a tv and ps5 in his room. I have a serious illness and am having treatment which is tiring. I got him a tv and ps5 and his brother one too. I did this because my 11 year old is contactly attacking his older brother and this made it easier for me to rest. Its something I now regret. My son doesnt sleep very well. Hes gaming or watching tv all night. We constantly tell him to turn it off and go to sleep but he's always back on it. We take it away and he comes around the house destroying other things and punching his little sister. He kicks off everytime he has to leave the house or eat around people. He never wants to do anything but sit in his room. Im finding myself on edge with any interaction. I have with him and its not on.

We desperately need help. We've spoken to the school, doctors and CAMHS and they offer us places to get help but when I contact those places, they are full and not accepting new people.

Im thinking of ringing social services? Does anyone know what they would do. I dont want him to become an aggressive adult, but we've tried everything else and gotten nowhere.

Please dont be rude. Im sick, im struggling and I'm doing my best but its clearly not enough. O cant take much more of this.

Social care assessments are a good idea. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DS’s needs. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use. Depending on what your serious illness is (not asking you to disclose), you might want an assessment by adult social care of your own needs. Social care support could provide some respite.

Also look at your local short breaks offer.

Has DS had a home OT assessment? To look at making the house better meet his needs and safer. In the meantime, I would ensure sharp knives are not accessible. Also, has he had a sensory OT assessment?

Does DS have an EHCP?

Is the school providing any support with emotional regulation? Is DS starting secondary school?

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. If you think DS has a PDA profile, have you tried some PDA strategies? Some find the book the Declarative Language Handbook good to read. And some find non-violent resistance resources useful.

Thank you, he hasn't had any of that. I've been contacting my doctors/ council and CAMHS for about 3 years and never been given any of that info.

His primary school were useless. They didnt even tell us he was on their SEN list until we called a meeting in year 5. He had been on it since year 3! Hes good at school so they always dismissed my concerns whenever I brought it up (which was often). He is starting a new school this September and I have a meeting arranged with the SEN teacher there.

I think you've given me some hope and I will be getting all of that done for him and hope this is the start of better things. Thank you so much.

Brilliant you have a meeting with the SENCO. Ask them what support they can provide. Ask if they have anyone who can support Zones of Regulation work or similar and sensory circuits. Not all secondary schools offer these 2 interventions but some do and it is worth asking.

Request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

You don’t need a diagnosis for either of these.

Not all ICBs offer sensory OT on the NHS, but if your area does it is worth a referral. Even if your area doesn’t, it can be part of an EHCNA.

Are you receiving DLA for DS?

For DD, is she known to your local young carers service?

Thank you so much. I haven't applied for DLA for my son. Is it easy to get without an offcial diagnosis?

DR'S school are aware of out situation and are great with her. She isnt with young carers. She is coming up 9 soon. Is this something I should talk to the school about? My eldest sons school are aware that he helps me a lot, but he has refused help from them so far.

Capa First Response | Together for safer families - Capa First Response https://share.google/oaKiLI7jZyZ8xrFMw we had some help recently from this charity and they're quite good.

There's a wait for 1-1 but they have webinars you can access.

A charity that can help with siblings is Sibs.

Difficult behaviour - Sibs https://share.google/Ow7HkVOmX2WZgHPxy

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5309128-ehcp-support-thread-no-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share this may also be handy.

As well as the books @flawlessflipper recommended, I rate 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Bernstein) and Who's in Charge? (Gallagher).

DLA is based on needs rather than diagnosis. You need evidence. You can gather that via school, referral letters, etc.

You can talk to the school about your local young carers service or you can approach the service directly.