How do I protect my 4 year old son from permanent exclusion?

[strugglingparent1]

We're in a predicament at the moment and we really need advice, so I'm grateful for every suggestion.

I have posted on this forum before in regards to our 4 year old son.

This is my previous post: Son (reception class) suspended for 2.5 days | Mumsnet

I have considered posting this on the general Chat forum for a wider response, but I already feel very vulnerable and I'm also pregnant and I'm crying a lot, so I don't want to expose myself to unhelp comments or comments that attack our parenting.

Our son has been suspended from school (reception class) 4 times in the last two months now.

These suspensions were based on throwing stuff and hitting other children or adults during meltdowns.

These behaviours were due to meltdowns triggered by having to stop one activity and start another and children throwing over towers that he was building.

Our son is on the SEND register and in a week's time I have an appointment with a clinical psychologist to start a private assessment for autism (which will cost us 1900 pounds).

I have also applied for an EHCA recently - this is also something the school has never mentioned to me as a possibility.

There is a clear breakdown in the relationship between school and our family.

We're very unhappy how the school is acting.

For instance: On Monday, May 19th, my husband and I had a meeting with the headteacher. In this meeting, we came to an agreement with the headteacher that the school would call me to come in and calm my son down once he becomes dysregulated ( I work from home and could do this although this would have an effect on my work). This was something that I suggested to the headteacher and he was happy about it.

On Thursday, 22nd of May, I was informed by the headteacher and the sendco that my son had a 2 hour period of being dysregulated, which eventually ended with him hurting staff and children by throwing things and him receiving a suspension of 4.5 days ( his previous suspensions were 2.5 days, 2.5 days and 3 days).

When I asked the school why they didn't call me at the beginning of his dysregulation as we agreed on, I was told that they couldn't as neither the headteacher or deputy headteacher were in to make that decision).

Furthermore, during the meeting they showed me 2 videos. The headteacher said that they had the Ipad in the playground anyway as they were recording some sort of event. However, I noticed that the camera was deliberately zooming in on my son.

1. The first video showed my son sitting alone, very upset, close to tears. There was no adult that supported him emotionally when he was upset. He then got up and started throwing things angrily. According to the SENDco, this was because my son didn't want to tidy up and come in after playing.

2. The second video showed thrown over chairs and pens lying on the classroom floor and someone whispering "Oh my God" in the background of the video. The video then zoomed in on my son, holding his hand up with something in his hand and then the video stopped

We're very unhappy that those videos of my son during a meltdown were made without our consent. There was also no need to make them, especially considering that there is CCTV in the playground anyway. We're also concerned why there was no adult to support him.

My son shows problems at home or in the holiday club in his old nursery, but my husband and I and the nursery staff are always able to calm him down before things escalate.

The headteacher also said very unhelpful things about my son last year, like "He is the most extreme child I have seen in the last 30 years of his career".

My son, despite his outbursts and meltdowns, is actually a very sweet and sensitive child. He's clever, enjoys reading, is good at counting and is actually quite social and chatty with other children when he doesn't have a meltdown.

He however has great problems transitioning between activities. He also shows signs of stress like eating dust or fluff, excessively biting his finger nails and he regressed in his toilet training. He used to be perfectly toilet trained, but over the last two months he started daytime wetting himself.

There has been an educational psychologist in school recently on one day to observe my son.When I asked the SENDco in the last suspension meeting what the psychologist observed, she kind of brushed over it and said that the psychologist observed some differences but they weren't too big. She then made a point out of emphasizing how the psychologist said how great the school is already doing with their existing support. When I mentioned to the SENDco that the psychologist observed my son during a state of calm, she said those psychologists are so highly trained that they can assess a child even when they are calm and regulated.

The headteacher pretends to care now and says things like "At the heart of this is a little boy who is dysregulated, struggles and needs help".

The SENDco also said that everyone just wants the best for my son.

The headteacher asked for my permission to refer us to Early Help as this could unlock further support (while mentioning to me that this was suggested during a team call with the exclusions team, in which they were told that school should try to keep children in school as long as possible).

But I think this is all just false pretenses.

The school is clearly ramping up the suspensions with the goal of permanently excluding my son.

I want to help my son, I want to support him. I have applied for an EHCA and we will pay 1900 pounds for a private assessment.

We have also paid a solicitor to challenge the school suspensions and these representations were sent off to the school a week ago.

It is clear to us that he cannot stay at this school. They are either unable or unwilling to give him the support he needs.

The headteacher always says there is no money for 1:1 support and that Birmingham City Council ( this is where we live) is bankrupt.

But I also think there is an element of not wanting to give my son the support he needs.

On paper, the school can prove they made adjustments for him like giving him warnings before transitions, giving him access to a tent in an empty classroom, rewarding him for good behavior, using a visual timetable.....

So I have the strong belief that a permanent exclusion would be signed off by the exclusions board.

The problem is - I have to keep him in school for now so that he is still in the system. If we remove him now, he might receive less support as he "vanishes" from the system.

I'm really concerned however that over the next coming weeks he will be permanently excluded due to his behaviour.

I don't want a permanent exclusion to be stuck to his name at such a young age. I know that my son can and will thrive in the right environment and I want to support him as best as I can.

So my question is - would you pull him out of the school to avoid a permanent exclusion? I suggested it to my husband, but he was absolutely against it.

He said that we have to keep him in the school for now to "work the system", but I am really scared that he will be permanently excluded leading up to the summer holidays. I don't want this to happen to him.

He will only be of compulsory school age in September, so it would also affect us, as I would have to look after him during the day. We don't have any family nearby to support us.

Please can anyone advise me on the best course of action. I've been very emotional and crying a lot. I have talked to IPSEA and they have given me good advice. But I still feel so helpless.

I don't even know how to approach other schools to ask them if they would have capacity and would be able to accommodate with his support needs.

I also want to emphasize that I don't condone my son's behaviour and the effect it has on staff and on the other children.

But as his mother I always want the best for him and I want to protect him.

@strugglingparent1 Hi, I just found your post and wondered how behaviour was for you now, 6 months later?
I am going through a very similar journey with my son, so much so I could have written your entry! I’d love to know how things are and how your son is getting on? Thanks and speak soon!
From another struggling Mum x

Hi EmmaW13, thanks for reaching out.

He's in year 1 now and has been suspended 4 more times. So altogether he's been suspended 9 times, almost 5 weeks out of education.

He's also on a reduced timetable and only in school until 12 every day.

He's received a diagnosis for autism in August 2025 and this Saturday we're going to have him assessed for ADHD.

We have also done a parental application for an EHCP in May 2025. The LA initially refused to assess, but we had this overturned in mediation in September 2025.

In November 2025 they decided to issue an EHCP and the draft has come through a week ago.

Unfortunately, the LA wants to push for mainstream, but my son's school has already responded to the consultation and said they cannot need meet.

I asked the LA anyway to consult with a specialist school and I hope that no other mainstream school will say they can meet his needs.

As for the school, unfortunately I have no other option than sending him back everyday. It is awful and I'm always anxiously sitting at home, waiting for a phone call, telling me has been suspended again.

I have asked the school to do a section 19 referral for my son so that the LA finds alternative provision until his long term placement is sorted. The school has done the referral today, but the turnaround time is 15 days and the SENDCO isn't convinced it will be successful.

How are you getting on? I'm happy for you to reach out if you have any questions, I think it helps knowing we're not the only ones going through this. x

If the LA refuse to provide s19 provision, which should have been in place long before now, you can look at a pre-action letter.

BTW, the LA is in breach of the statutory EHCP timescales, you might want to remind them of that too.

Also going through this with my five year old and it is a full on living nightmare that we are trapped in (and I’m pregnant too). We are up to exclusion number five for the exact same reasons you are saying. One of the exclusions was within an hour of him being at school and other parents have recently started making complaints about him.

My child has an EHCP for the school he’s at but it only does so much as the negative association with that school is already there. We are currently going through an appeals process for change of placement. It is a long, dark and isolating path but it is at least something to read that we are not completely alone.

I found this thread when my child was in Reception (now in Year 1) and lost it! Now following.

@ginawina So sorry to hear your struggling and so hard when you’re pregnant too. Keeping hopeful for a bright future for all the boys. I was hoping I’d have some positive ‘they’ve grown out of hitting’ news. We’ve had a positive time during his suspension and he has shown very little or no anger towards us. It’s clearly something with school demands and transitions, plus the busy classroom that doesn’t suit. We don’t have anything like an EHCP, I am a bit clueless to this? X

Thank you @EmmaW13! One of my friends went through something similar with her son. The turning point for him was when he started Year 3 when he transitioned to Juniors. The main difference is the school he is at, is way more supportive than my son's.

We regret thinking my son's current mainstream school could support him if we secured an EHCP. That has not happened and we are now legally bound to his school (that he says he wants to remain at...). We are still pursuing the appeal for a change of placement, particularly as the Tribunal is a year away.

The school does not seem to believe me when I tell them he is 'not like this' outside of school. If it was not for my elder son in Year 3 being a 'model student' I expect they would be pointing the finger squarely at my husband and I.

Despite the above, I would recommend requesting an EHC needs assessment to get the process started. You should be able to do this online through your Local Authority's online hub.

It can be a long process and for us in Derbyshire, we had to push at each stage. Think very carefully the type of placement/provision and the school/placement itself in preparation for the plan drafting stage. You will be 'locked in' until a later review (or an appeal). Get in touch with different schools and check them out.

Just a quick update on our situation: My son has now also been diagnosed with ADHD and the LA has now finally agreed to consult with specialist schools (after insisting on mainstream for a long time).

There was a teacher from the behavioural unit from our local PRU in my son's school to observe him.

She found that he can only concentrate for a few minutes at a time, has significant sensory issues, and that this is a major contributor to his dysregulated behaviour and avoidant behaviour.

She wrote a report in which she stated that he needed specialist school and this report was sent to the LA.

I think this report along other evidence (9 suspensions, serious risk of permanent exclusion, section 19 referral from school, even shorter reduced timetable until 10:30 am) made them agree to a specialist setting.

So this battle is "won" - I think we're very lucky that we didn't have to go to tribunal for that.

However, I am now really, really worried that no specialist school will agree to give him a chance.

His EHCP says that he's lashed out at teachers before (although he hasn't done this for almost a year).

I really hope we will get good news soon, but I doubt it will be straightforward.

However, I am now really, really worried that no specialist school will agree to give him a chance.

Do you have a preferred SS in mind? Unless it is wholly independent, it doesn’t work like ^this. There are limited reasons that the LA can rely on to refuse to name your preferred placement if they are not wholly independent. The LA must name your preferred placement unless:
-The setting is unsuitable for the age, ability, aptitude or special educational needs of the child or young person; or
-The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the provision of efficient education for others; or
-The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the efficient use of resources.

The bar to prove one of these is high. Higher than LAs and some schools admit. If the LA can’t prove one of the above, they can and must name the school even if the school objects when consulted.

Do B and F accurately reflect DS’s needs and the special educational provision required?

From your post, I take it the LA has not finalised the EHCP yet? The LA is in breach of the statutory EHCP timescales. You should chase the LA because they are frustrating your right of appeal. I would email the Director of Children’s Services.

Is s19 provision now in place?