Child custody of Sen child - worried!

[Senmum2]

Hello,

I’m wondering if anyone has been in my situation or could offer some advice please?

For accuracy I’ve included real details - completing outing if anyone who knows me in real life. Hi 👋 but I will do whatever I can in this situation.

I am mum of 2 children. My son has adhd, asd & anxiety. High level Dla care. My daughter had no diagnosis but is extremely emotional so it’s questionable . I am registered carer for my son I gave up work years ago to help him attend school. Dad is a high earner with demanding job so it was impossible for me to continue working as I was having emergency calls to collect my son from pre school on regular basis.

Fast forward a few years my partner & I have split up . His choice as I ‘am now just a mum’ and the small fact he had a much younger girlfriend ready to pop out of the wings.

We were not married (I know) so I have no income or pension - I am now working for myself in periods I can juggle. (Work in field of Sen, anxious/ sensory issues with children & adults).

Dad remained in family home (very large nice house) children & I moved to a much smaller affordable house (I feel lucky it’s mine, no mortgage but the transition to 1 bathroom, rubbish heating, electrics tiny kitchen no dishwasher or washing machine etc has been tricky for kids to get their head around but we are getting there & I hope to make it lovely for us - one bit at a time).

Dad has children every Fri night & Sat day. More in school holidays. The kids get dysregulated as return to the only house they ever knew (& loved) for one night. My son in particular is anxious on Fri day & very clingy to me sat night, Sunday & Monday.

Both myself & school feel (especially for my son) being in one home (mine) every school night is best for kids & the same night away every week creates a know routine.

I am of course open to access during school night - just not sleepovers.

My problem - dad has got solicitors writting to me to up the arrangement & work towards 50/50 split - they are prepared to take court action.

This would not be great for kids who are preparing for transition to secondary. Also dad would then pay no csa so I would be unable to say in current house with
. I bet I would still be required to undertake all medical appointments/ mental health forms/ medicine review etc as dad is unaware of situations never done them.

Anyway sorry for long post …. Has anyone else been in this situation? I can’t afford a solicitor so will represent myself and any advice- signposting to useful case law would be really helpful.

thank you if you’ve read this far! 😀

Do you have or can you get professional evidence 50/50 would be inappropriate for DS due to his SN? That would help.

Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to?

Thank you for your reply.

I’m on the correct benefits. I’m sure my son’s professionals will state his needs.

I’m concerned as it seems courts go the 50/50 route - but can’t see anything re when a child with Sen is involved. It really would not suit my son.

I’m open to mediation but if dad won’t agree to no sleeps on school nights ie not 50/50 will the mediator be able to look at professional advice and make a ruling to suit my sons needs against dads wishes?

50/50 is less likely if there is evidence it isn’t in the child’s best interest. If mediation doesn’t work it is likely to end up going to court.

Ok thank you - so if mediation can’t make any rulings it will probably go to court 😢 What a stress not to mention time and money that will be taken from item or activities that would be beneficial to the children.

I was hoping to have a sensory room (plan to place & kit out a Sumer house in garden) by this summer - my son needs a safe place and room for movement activities/ therapy & we don’t have space in house. I’ll be so upset to deviate from that goal to pay for legal costs ….. so unfair to both kids & our home life!

Would you know if courts agree to not do 50/50 split could dad take it back to court? Ie yearly? May we have to go through this more than once?

Have you looked at grants for sensory equipment? Depending on DS’s needs maybe also a disabled facilities grant.

Unfortunately, if ex takes it to court and loses he may well decide to try again in the future. However, by that point, depending on DS’s SEN/capacity to understand things etc. he will be old enough to have his views taken into account.

Thank you for all the sensible advice.

I have a grant for part of the summer house from the family fund. No equipment but I have stuff to use - just need the space to put it in & some outdoor stuff ie basket ball hoop. I need to get the ground levelled & concreted but it is all manageable for the late spring ….. if I don’t engage solicitors.

I’ll have a rethink this week & speak to a solicitor re estimated cost & what is needed. It galls me that dad had not had a discussion with me about arrangements- just sends solicitor letters pre Christmas …. Knowing full well things are tight- maybe that’s why he did it he can obviously afford to send solicitor letters.

I hope the courts or mediation view his lack of personal communication and choice of strongly worded solicitor letters instead as a silly and unnecessary action.

Morning,

As an update it has been agreed we can go to mediation which is good.

has anyone has experience of mediation with Sen child? Apart from letters or reports from professionals on my child needs is there anything else that could help the children remain with me during school nights?

Has anyone had experience of mediation with a Sen child please?

Hi, I'm a McKenzie friend and can give you some information.

First of all, you can make a financial claim under schedule 1 of the children act 1989 or TOLATA.

Secondly, you could consider applying for an occupation order for the marital home under the family law act 1996.

Thirdly, he can demand 50/50 all he likes, you just need to evidence that you have been the primary carer, and why leaving you as the primary carer is in the children's best interests. Ignore any mud slinging, the courts are very likely to order the status quo.

Have you claimed all of the benefits you might be entitled to?

Have you claimed child maintenance?

Thank you for your advise.

We have made the fincial split, hence him buying me out of my house share & I have purchased something smaller. I have no further claim. But it’s ours, I thought we needed stability and not the worry of always having to love over our head. Hense the house needing a bit of work/ modernisation… it’s a good house & fell in my budget.

I hope mediation/ courts would go for the status quo ….. the kids really don’t need any more changes & the worry/ prep if possible court takes my sole focus off them. I’m definitely full time carer - think attending school daily for lunches, early finishes, for any ‘situations’ that occur as well as all the
medical appointments, home things and night care as sleeping issues ….. I always have been the carer so are you suggesting if I can evidence that the courts may wish to keep things consistent?

re csa I have monthly payments but I owe him some money for some of the mortgage & the legal fees incurred so part of it is used to pay that back.

Why do you owe him legal fees?

What % split was the house?

House 50/50 but he is high earner so could pay me off out of savings & pay the mortgage going forward. I wouldn’t have been a Jew to cover mortgage let alone large bills - I’m ok we have our own home - it feels more secure & it will suit our needs, just needs a bit of work to get there - we are getting there though.

I couldn’t pay for the legal fees for the financial arrangement - so he paid both solicitors & im paying 50% of total bill back …. I know it was his choice to have the legal document… but to ge honest I just needed to get the kids & I out so we could feel more stable.

it is what it is, we will be fine but I won’t be able to manage if I pay a legal battle for custody… it seems so unnecessary as kids are obviously well cared for by me & I have no problem with access/ relationship with dad- just not 50/50 and no sleepovers on school nights …. I think that’s fair & the best situation for the kids …. Everything I read or hear though points to courts going for 50/50 but I don’t know any cases like me where I am registered carer for my son

You didn't need a solicitor for the financial order, was it ordered by the court? Because if not I think you may have been ripped off. 50/50 when you have the kids and he earns more is not what the courts would have ordered, it would have been more like 65% in your favour.

You also do not need a solicitor for child arrangements. This is in theory a very simple case as there are no safeguarding concerns that you've alluded to, at the most you might just need a McKenzie friend to help you write statements.

Oh no … sorry for the crazy predictive text change … I wouldn’t have been able to cover mortgage let alone large bills.

I don’t know why it changed able for a jew! A phrase I’ve never typed before!!! 😢

No we didn’t go to court for finances as no divorce.

ok, shall I look for a McKenzie friend who is local then?

If you didn't go to court for schedule one why did you both need a solicitor? So you've got no order? I'd apply for schedule one in that case.

Yes I think a McKenzie friend would be the way to go as you seem very articulate and I'm sure you can speak for yourself in court. You know your children best so will be their best advocate.

Thank you for your advice. I’ll do not my children well. And as any SEN mum I’ve found myself being a strong advocate on many occasions so I will look into McKenzie friend - Thank you.

Has anyone had personal experience of custody hearings re sen kids? I guess im looking now to find out what evidence I should collect to show the courts that stability & continuity with one main household during term time is best for my kids.

Thank you

Yes, me! Dad wanted custody, he got 50/50 as we'd always shared the care equally.

Was 50/50 the result you wanted for you & your kids?

Yes because I have a disability and also need to be able to (try to) work.

I’m so happy that you got the result that works for you and your children, it must have been woring though.

Might be worth looking to see if there are any legal clinics near you for advice - usually they have a family law person and are free to access. They can be of real help.

I do. A lot depends on the age and capacity of your children. Our issues were quite complicated around the care of the children, but ultimately the court followed the wishes of the children.

Thank you for that coffee cup. I hope you didn’t have to go through too much of an ordeal.

Hi @Senmum2
Just been reading your thread with interest as I am going through a similar situation. Did you get sorted in the end and what was the outcome? Are you ok with it and does it work for the children?
Sorry for all the questions, just genuinely interested how you got on!