Child custody of Sen child - worried!

[Senmum2]

Hello,

I’m wondering if anyone has been in my situation or could offer some advice please?

For accuracy I’ve included real details - completing outing if anyone who knows me in real life. Hi 👋 but I will do whatever I can in this situation.

I am mum of 2 children. My son has adhd, asd & anxiety. High level Dla care. My daughter had no diagnosis but is extremely emotional so it’s questionable . I am registered carer for my son I gave up work years ago to help him attend school. Dad is a high earner with demanding job so it was impossible for me to continue working as I was having emergency calls to collect my son from pre school on regular basis.

Fast forward a few years my partner & I have split up . His choice as I ‘am now just a mum’ and the small fact he had a much younger girlfriend ready to pop out of the wings.

We were not married (I know) so I have no income or pension - I am now working for myself in periods I can juggle. (Work in field of Sen, anxious/ sensory issues with children & adults).

Dad remained in family home (very large nice house) children & I moved to a much smaller affordable house (I feel lucky it’s mine, no mortgage but the transition to 1 bathroom, rubbish heating, electrics tiny kitchen no dishwasher or washing machine etc has been tricky for kids to get their head around but we are getting there & I hope to make it lovely for us - one bit at a time).

Dad has children every Fri night & Sat day. More in school holidays. The kids get dysregulated as return to the only house they ever knew (& loved) for one night. My son in particular is anxious on Fri day & very clingy to me sat night, Sunday & Monday.

Both myself & school feel (especially for my son) being in one home (mine) every school night is best for kids & the same night away every week creates a know routine.

I am of course open to access during school night - just not sleepovers.

My problem - dad has got solicitors writting to me to up the arrangement & work towards 50/50 split - they are prepared to take court action.

This would not be great for kids who are preparing for transition to secondary. Also dad would then pay no csa so I would be unable to say in current house with
. I bet I would still be required to undertake all medical appointments/ mental health forms/ medicine review etc as dad is unaware of situations never done them.

Anyway sorry for long post …. Has anyone else been in this situation? I can’t afford a solicitor so will represent myself and any advice- signposting to useful case law would be really helpful.

thank you if you’ve read this far! 😀

Me too!

Hi mums,

Well to be honest it was a very stressful time ..... with lots of threats and bluster .... but that's all it ended up being.

I did get panicked into getting solicitors advice because his solicitors were writing to me saying I needed legal representation.

it cost me £600 to be told I am my child's main carer, legally with DLA, carers allowance, attend all medial appointment and emotionally as school/ medial professionals knew my son reacted well to my support.

i obviously was not discussing or
letting on in frontnof kids any possible change. We did agree every other full weekend for a trail.

My son was struggling to sleep, eat etc when with dad. After a couple of months of every other weekend he told school that when at his dad he spends the night trying to thing of ways to end his life so he could have a deep sleep ...at 10 years old .... .. the laying awake unsettled must have been so bad for him.

It was an awful time but since then kids first, I'm stronger now and can push back as know I'm putting kids first.

My son has not slept over at dad's since he shared his thoughts .... that's well over a year.

my other child was also asking to do just one night a week .... so we went back to the old pattern for them.

no more requests for joint custody...... in fact hardly any requests to have them other than one child one night a week. Dad asks to have them for special occasions ie he asked and had them on Christmas Day this year. But no requests for any other days or nights during the two week school Christmas holiday. Also no request for October half term or Feb half term. Last year was the same pattern, just requested for special days ie Christmas/ Easter and a week in school summer holiday for a holiday abroad .... no requests for other days in the school holidays or otherwise.

I am thinking he's come to the same conclusion- that a) his lifestyle is not suited to having the kids more (especially son with high needs) but also the kids want to have the stability and routine of one main household.

To not rock the boat I do compromise ie I agree to kids with dad when he asks on 'special days' I can't stand the arguments or pressure he put on kids for them to speak to me about it (even though they are not fussed on going they find it difficult to say no to him - they rather I do this). I also say to CSA one child sleeps over 2 nights a week & my son 1 night ..... if think if he feels he is getting 'a deal' he won't rock the boat either.

But all in all, we advoided court. The kids know where they are and have security at main home with me. I struggle a bit financially and for childcare .... but it's a pay off I'm willing to make for my kids well-being and all our sanity.

@Senmum2 thank you so much for the update.
Oh gosh, well it sounds like it's all worked out OK, I'm so glad.
I'm glad you managed to avoid court as well!

Hello sorry to jump on your post, I’m going through similar and I was wondering what did you need to collect for this in the end to best advocate for your child with SEN needs to ensure their best interests were voiced and heard? What reports helped to show their needs.
Any help would be appreciated thank you