Unsure what's wrong with my DD

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

Sorry I was a bit unsure where to post this but I need a bit of help trying to work out what's going on with my DD.

She's about to turn 9, and has always struggled with maths. She can recite her times tables, but she just draws a blank with the complex maths questions.

Her handwriting is ok, but I can see she struggles more than the average child with writing.

Her reading is a year above her age and her vocabulary is pretty outstanding for her age. When it comes to science she's in her element and really clever, also she has an incredible knowledge of animals and the earth.

The real issue is putting pen to paper - getting what's in her head onto paper. She almost gets a block and gets anxious about getting it wrong. So she avoids it. It's the same with drawing. She's hyper-critical about herself and if she gets something wrong she'll cross it out, or throw it away and start again.

Her confidence is so low at the moment as her friends are all doing really well and she is struggling.

I've noticed she really struggles with anxiety at the moment especially when it comes to school which is worrying me. She relies quite a lot on fidget toys like slime/bracelets
to make her feel better. This has only really started since she began year 4 in Sept. My DD has always been a bit of a worrier but this has gone to the extreme. She's also struggling socially in big groups, she never had this problem before. If you met her she is the most chatty, friendly one out of the group which is really odd. No one would guess she has this stuff going on.

I'm encouraging and supportive but I have no clue what's going on here.

Her dad had dyslexia and an anxiety disorder - no idea what type as we're not together and I parent on my own. His parents just exacerbated the problem by taking him away from situations which stressed him out. But I'm doing the opposite.

We do a lot of outdoor stuff like walking and she does horse riding which makes her happy.

The school have recently put her on a one plan for maths. I'm just wondering if this might be something else? I don't know if it's hormones, she's fallen behind because of Covid or a SEN related problem? Any ideas.

Many thanks 🙏

Hi OP ,
Sorry to hear of your daughter's difficulties.

Have you discussed this with her school ? What do her teachers think ?

How is she at home ? Any meltdowns ? Any sensory issues ? Did she develop typically to date ?

Could it be dyspraxia? Did she learn to ride a bike/ learn to swim / play ball games etc or would you describe her as clumsy ?

Her teachers think it's a confidence thing. Because once she's shown what to do she seems to be ok. But I'm still not sure.

In terms of development, she was full term. She started walking before she turned one and was already starting to form words and sentences quite early on. She was one of the first to actually start talking as well, potty training was normal.

I may as well forget trying to get her to ride a bike, she pretty much got it - fell over and refused to get back on again.

I wouldn't say she's clumsy, in fact her hand motor skills with eating were great but holding a pen took time. She walks properly but not sporty in the slightest. From a young age I could take her to the cinema or theatre and she could easily sit through a two hour performance. Some of my friends kids still can't do it.

So I'm still stumped?! It's this a learning thing? She does talk a lot, but when she comes home from school she can just sit quietly and watch her tablet and relax.

Sorry no sensory issues at all, as I said bad at riding a bike but a really good little swimmer. In fact she's like a little fish 🤣

One more thing to add, when thinking about it she does have meltdowns with school work if she can't do something. It's at home when she can get away with it, at school I don't think she does it.

Your last post screams of the coke bottle effect. DD is masking at school.

Has DD tried a scribe, voice to text software or a scribe?

What support is the school providing?

Has she seen an OT?

I think further assessment would be a good idea.

What is the coke bottle effect? No idea what that is!

An occupational therapist for her handwriting?

The coke bottle effect is where DC mask at school and explode at home due to the toll masking takes. Just like a coke bottle will explode after being shaken.

An OT can look at the handwriting difficulties, but also with the difficulties getting things down on paper, bike riding, social skills and anxiety.

Thanks. She doesn't really come home and have meltdowns though. I know what you mean. My friends son has adhd and he he has meltdowns all the time. My daughter isn't the same.

Her issue is her anxiety, if she can't do something then she has a meltdown. In the mornings we do her timestables. If she gets one wrong, she will close the application done and start again until it's all correct - its exhausting.

Everyone presents differently. Just because DD doesn’t present the same as your friend’s DS doesn’t mean there isn’t something to further assessment - anxiety, neurodiversity, both, neither, she still requires further assessment and support.

You said DD has meltdowns at home but not at school. It isn’t about her getting away with it at home. Home is her safe place and she masks at school.

Could it be dyscalculia - if she has a dyslexic father there's a good chance that she's neurodiverse in one way or another. Anxiety and perfectionism are also common in the ND population.

This is what I'm starting to think now. The expectations of school are becoming far too much for her.

Her grandad, my ex's dad also had dyslexia so it runs in the family. My ex had huge problems at school, he didn't get any GCSEs and suffers with really bad anxiety (that's why we're not together). It's impacted his life massively. So naturally I'm worried about my DD. If she ended up like my ex I'd be devastated.

I would at this stage be really open and curious about what is driving the difficulty/behaviour you are seeing. As a child I was described as anxious, a perfectionist, sensitive... I was high achieving so these were my quirks but there were no concerns I was just told I should be less of those things (helpful!) However like many parents of neurodiverse children I can now see all of that was driven by my various needs not being met. Masking in girls is such a huge difficulty in getting them the help they need... I won handwriting prizes at school but I would be in agony from the effort, my natural handwriting is barely legible! The lengths we go to as kids to fit in and be good are ridiculous but it all has an effect which we see outwardly in different ways.

Has the SENDCO at school been involved at all? If not I would ask to meet them to start exploring what support they can give. Try to think about the specific challenge behind an activity (or why she might avoid it) and how you/school can support, OT help is great for that as PP said.

I have a book called Smart But Scattered that I've found useful.

I think you're taking the right approach - open and curious is good. My DD's 11 and it's taken me a long while to really get how she sees learning as it's so different to me and DH.

I often employ a builder. He's dyslexic and struggled at school - left as soon as he could and still dislikes reading, writing and calculation tasks (his dad does his invoicing). His sister is degree educated and works as a teacher. He makes excellent money though and is never out of work. Maybe a bit like a supported version of your ex?

We had a CD for the car where you sang the times tables and a mug with them on. DD likes to test me on them. Try getting DD to set YOU questions and model what you do if you get them wrong.

My DD is rather explosive but meltdowns can be more like "implosions". You don't know what's going on inside.

Hello!

I've spoken to her teacher, and he doesn't think it's anything other than a confidence issue which they are working with her on. I've already seen a big difference in her overall outlook and she seems to be doing well in maths now...!

She told me she gets everything in maths wrong, but after talking to the teacher it seems that's not the case 🤪 I think she's just trying to get out of doing it!

I've spoken to a therapist to get some advice, she thinks my ex's anxiety issues are down to his upbringing which I agree with. His parents were overprotective, and they didn't allow him to develop coping skills. So I'm trying to make sure I don't go down the same route! x

Hi there!

I've just had a long chat with my daughter's teacher. We think she might have dyslexia, it's all in her head but she struggles getting it on paper. We've identified there are blockers in her thinking. Plus her handwriting isn't the best either. But her reading is really advanced for her age which is a bit odd.

I'm going to the doctors to get a formal diagnosis.

I think it'll help with her anxiety knowing what is wrong with her.

It's very strange, as she is incredibly intelligent - she absorbs knowledge like a sponge and has great problem solving ability - but she isn't able to getting onto paper.

I'm not sure how this will work for her in secondary school 😬

You won’t get a referral for a dyslexia assessment from the GP.

Your dd sounds like how I was as a child. I never really fell behind but struggled with written work. My reading was exceptional. I got diagnosed dyslexic and dyspraxic around your dd age but the rest was all put down to hormones or anxiety. I was in my 30s dealing with my autistic son I finally paid for a private assessment and I'm autistic and ADHD. Life makes so much sense now. I think having ND and not knowing that's why you feel different and anxious is a hugely damaging thing.

My dd is turning out the same as I was. Autism in girls is often different. I'm sure she's autistic but school have been very difficult repeatedly saying she's not behind academically so can't be autistic. My autistic son is obviously SEN the experience of getting him help has been onerous but as soon as he started school getting acknowledgment he has needs wasn't the fight it has been for my girl or was for my parents with myself

How do I get the diagnosis then?

I think private is the only way for dyslexia. Ask your GP about the pathway for autism or ADHD and hope they accept the referral as many many parents can tell you how they just get rebuffed from service to service. I have paid privately for my high needs autistic son and his needs are so bad he can't attend school. My dd is on the waiting list with CHAMS via GP and I'm told it's a 3-4 year wait.

Basically if you can afford to then private is the best way, if you can't afford it if you start saving it will probably still be faster than relying on school/GP. Choose someone who follows NICE guidelines (most will but be sure to check). Then school/LA can't reject the diagnosis.

Before you get diagnosis you can ask school to instruct an educational psychologist to come in and observe your dd. They will probably say no but keep nagging. Some school book a couple visits a year with an EP and then ask them to observe as many of the SEN kids as possible so you may have a good chance if your school does this.

Basically there isn't enough funding for SEN. The most challenging/challenged kids are schools priority. I've watched it play out with my son, school helped how they were able then kicked him out when they couldn't manage because they literally couldn't ignore his struggles. Kids like our girls who are well behaved not terribly behind and suffer quietly are bottom of the list

You will need an ed psych assessment (or an assessment by a specialist dyslexia assessor, but I would go for an EP). You could look for an independent assessment. You can ask the school about one. However, with the current situation in schools, in reality an EP assessment via school is unlikely unless the difficulties are severe/causing significant disruption. If you think an EHCP may be required you can request an EHCNA and if the LA agrees to assess an EP assessment will be part of that.

Dyslexia assessments are not undertaken on the NHS.

Ok thanks so much. I'm happy to go down the private assessment route if we get the diagnosis quicker. But what happens then? Does she get additional support? I know a little girl in my daughter's class who has autism and she has an EHCP, she has a person who helps her. I'm not sure if my daughter would get this level of support, so I'm wondering what the point of the assessment would be?

I'm just trying to get my head around it all! 😛 x

Support in schools is based on needs, not diagnosis, so, no, a diagnosis won’t automatically result in additional support. The school should be providing support now. What support is the school providing? Have you spoken to the SENCO?

I wouldn’t rule out requesting an EHCNA. The point of further assessment is so DD’s needs are better met. From your posts, DD clearly needs far more support than she is currently receiving. If DD has got ADHD medication would help.

Knowledge is power, @Cherryblossom200.

Or rather I should say, if DD has ADHD, medication could help. It doesn’t help all.