To feel like I can’t take much more

[Croco]

DS (2.5) is non verbal and doesn’t understand what is being said to him at all which I think makes all of this even more difficult. As much as I love him I’ve completely had enough. This is my life with him on a daily basis..
He takes his nappy off all of the time and will wee and poo on the floor
He will get undressed which results in me having to get him back dressed just for him to get undressed again
If he has a drink he will spit it out on the carpet
He has ruined my living room. He has pulled all of the blinds down, ripped wallpaper, he throws things so I’ve had a number of ornaments broke
He will hit, pinch, bite and pull my hair every day. He had hold of my hair before and I’m not exaggerating but he wouldn’t let go
The list is endless

This is literally an all day, every day thing. I have tried disciplining him in different ways, but nothing works. Any advice?

Sounds like you need a break, and probably need to be outside as much as possible. Sorry, not much help. Hope someone will be along with some good advice soon 💐

Do you have a health visitor?

Has he been assessed for any special needs, OP? It sounds incredibly tough for you. 💐

Is he autistic? My advice is hard flooring and stuff that is difficult to break and easy to clean. The behaviour is difficult but my son is 10 now, still non verbal but understands so much . He is hard work but not generally as much. And he is toilet trained now as well. Don't catastrophise and try to stay in the present. He could be like an entirely different child this time in a year.

If this comes from additional needs like autism, which it could well do, discipline won't help.
You need to find ways he can meet his need to throw, hit etc in a non destructive way.
Get lots of balls, sensory squashy toys, play dough etc. Get outside as much as possible. Perhaps a trampoline, those giant elastic straps that you get for physiotherapy, etc
It's not easy, but you will find ways to help him meet his needs.

It will be difficult but you will manage this.

Do you have anyone you could leave him with? Does he go to nursery?
Has he had his two year check with the health visitor yet?

I'd contact the health visitor. Whilst some of these behaviours are typical it sounds like they are at the extreme end.

Also if he's non verbal I'd ask for a speech and language referral either through GP or health visitor.

Think you need to talk to your HV especially as he’s non verbal and you aren’t sure he understands you. Has his hearing been checked?

Thanks for the replies. I did speak to the HV around 4 weeks ago and I am waiting for an appointment for SALT. I’ve been told there’s a long waiting list

@Croco

Sounds exactly like my son at that age. Everything was wrecked, including me from exhaustion. Hell I’m writing this from his bedroom, because if I don’t sit with him at night he pulls down his curtains or rips and eats wallpaper… but! It has got easier despite the hard work. He’s now preverbal and making good progress (however I appreciate verbal commands doesn’t come along for every child).

Has he had his 2 year review yet? SALT and paediatric appointments are such a long wait but the HV also needs to give an assessment to determine if there’s signs of global developmental delays. Is he in nursery? If not, start looking at ones that are well reviewed in SEN - even if he’s only going through a ‘stage’ it’s much better if a nursery is fully understanding of additional needs. Write down all of his care needs and get a HV report - if his care needs look to be much higher than a child his age you can apply for DLA on his behalf which you can use to get him more equipment to help his needs.

As for dealing with the behaviour, this can be the hardest part. Discipline is not going to work, time outs or similar. If he’s destroying things they need to be removed if possible. Short consequences, throw a toy ‘no, we do not throw’ put it away and distract with something else. Popper vests are a lifesaver, he’ll have something on and can’t take a nappy off - M and S do bigger sizes the last I bought some.

Does he like sensory play? Bowls of water, play dough, sand - anything to keep his hands busy was my go to.

Cheap rugs from b and M help a lot, just put them over carpet and chuck them in the skip/replace them. I went through too many but saves the carpet a bit. Both my sons went through a pouring stage with liquids 😑.

Same as above popper vests or onsie /sleep suit on backwards (with zip) worked for my little one :)

You can't discipline a child with additional needs for behaviour they can't control; it's just wrong.

My son was like this. It was exhausting. He’s still exhausting.

Onsies helped with the stripping (for a while) and his room resembles a cell.

Does your local authority offer any assistance from portage?

Sorry I meant to say: my son had ASD. Is pre-verbal at 5. Things have improved massively over the last 2 although it’s still hard.

Take him to gp and ask for referral to ENT, speech and language and peadiatrics. Tell them all you've said on here. I've just got my almost 2 year old all these referrals. He sounds like he has a lot going on and I understand how difficult this is for you 😔

Op this sounds so hard, I’m so sorry that things are so tough. On top of the destruction and distress, it can feel so isolating in my experience.
Have you spoken with your local children’s centre and considered self referring to portage?
There may also be other self referral services available that your children’s centre can sign post, - such a specialist play groups for children with social communication differences (these have been really helpful for us), various parent training services, parent support groups, etc.

someone upthread mentioned looking for a nursery place in a setting with good provision for SEN. Even if no place is available these settings also sometimes offer stay and plays, sensory room sessions etc. Which could be worth exploring too.

all the very best OP

This sounds very tough on you OP. Do you have any support from family or friends? It sounds like you could do with a break, even for a short time, just to decompress.

Can you contact the GP and push for a referral to a peadiatrician? I know your son is only 2.5 but some of his behaviour does sound extreme.

In the short term;

Can you get his hearing checked? While it wouldn't explain everything, it may be a reason why he doesn't yet have words and doesn't seem to understand what is said to him?

With the nappy - I am assuming that at the moment, given his understanding, toilet training isn't an option. Popper vests or onesie might help.

I would aim to go outside with him as much as possible to minimise the damage to the home and also hopefully distract him. Just walking to and playing in the park might wear him out a bit.

Is he at nursery? If not, can you afford to send him to one that has good reviews for SEND - even a few short sessions a week to give you a breather.

Mostly though, while you wait on referrals etc. I hope you can get some support for yourself.

contact portage if he is under 5 get them involved they will be helpful when it comes to diagonsis, talk to gp get referral to asd pathway, sounds like autism

Thanks everyone for all the tips and advice. I’m going to look into the things that have been suggested

He sounds desperate to communicate

Whilst you are waiting for SALT can you look into picture boards or even makaton?

You can get SEN clothing that is hard to remove and keeps nappies in place etc.

Is he at nursery?

@Muckysmucky aww☹️ I’ve got some picture boards but I can’t hold his attention for more than a minute. Going to keep with it though. He isn’t at nursery but I am considering it

Nursery could be really helpful to have some professional assessment of how he is doing plus give you a break.

The boards might only be helpful initially for basic communication like showing he wants a drink. So when offering a drink you point to the drink picture. Same for snack or pushchair or cot etc. He wouldn’t be expected to engage in a full session with them just try and help him find a way to show you want he needs or for you to show him what’s about to happen iyswim.

Maybe post this on the SEN board as the mums there will have loads of ideas I’m sure.

Nursery was key for progress with my son. Not just development wise (though definitely a big help for his sake) but they also had the means for their own assessments. Through them bringing in a sen coordinator, that report went to an educational psychologist, which was then used for an ASD assessment and (more importantly in real terms) an EHCP. A good nursery makes life for both of you 100x happier and progressive.

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Unfortunately most sizes have been out of stock for a while, but this sort of thing is your friend, OP. They have a hard-to-reach zip at the back. The problem with the vests and sleepsuits with poppers is that most DC will be able to open the poppers.

Hard as it can be at times, try to see all his behaviour as him communicating something to you. For example, it sounds like clothing is causing sensory issues for him. Try to make sure his clothes are very soft and without any more-irritating labels and seams. Perhaps he also feels too warm. Change his nappy immediately he has used it too. Sometimes pull-ups are better tolerated. Let him be more comfortable indoors. Get him a little indoor trampoline if possible. Some indoor naked trampolining in the privacy of his own home can go a long way to calming the sensory overload he may be feeling.

Remove anything breakable like ornaments. They are too tempting and accidents waiting to happen. Make his room a safe space so that he can go in there regularly for some calm, relaxing time - when, or ideally before, things start to get too much for him and for you. Extra tall stairgates can also be useful, for example in his bedroom doorway, to help keep him safe.