I’m not sure how much longer I can cope with this life

[starsparkle08]

I’m a single parent to a 9 year old who has autism , adhd , learning difficulties and a tic disorder . He attends a specialist school where he is 2:1 . His behaviours are extreme in all settings , home , school , respite etc
He hits , kicks , bites , punches , pinches , repetitive questioning that goes round and round for ages but no answer will appease him and this will result in more challenging behaviours .
When out in the community he will purposely target younger children , try to push them over etc and make them cry . He will also shout inappropriate things like you little shit or you bastard .
He tries to run off to kick peoples cars and ring people’s door bells so I have to have a tight grip on him . This is very hard as he is very strong and I’m on my own .
I try to take him down quiet footpaths into open fields but just seeing one person or family can set him off . It is so isolating and depressing .
I’ve been told by numerous professionals now to consider residential for him but I don’t want to give up just yet with him not being even 10 it seems so young . I think I would have failed him and would want to end my life .
Respite can no longer cope with him so another provision is being sought , however none so far will take him because he targets other young people / children.
I’m on my knees the majority of the time and I get no joy out of anything in life . I love my son but hate the behaviours . It makes me so so sad and embarrassed too . Who wants their child to target other children .
His behaviours have no visible triggers . Are explosive and impulsive . He will just rip a chunk out of my hair with no trigger or bite a member of staff without a trigger , put his hands round their necks etc so many behaviours u can’t list . He always talks about killing and death this is on a loop and repeated over and over .
I don’t understand why people say I wouldn’t change a thing about SEN children . I would wave a wand for my son . Neither of us have quality of life .
Does anyone else live a life like this 😞

My dd is older PDA and ADHD but I totally get what you mean about feeling isolated

I've been there

I just wanted to come on though to say making the decision to have your child access residential provision is not letting him down -it's meeting his needs and it takes a brave person to recognise that and follow through with it

Please don't feel like it's giving up, it's really not and it might be the best thing for your relationship with your child -you are firefighting and in crisis mode at the moment and that's not great for anyone

Wether he lives with you full time or not he still needs you -to fight his corner, to recognise when his needs aren't being met and to love him

Listen to the experts and don't feel bad for doing so -if he needed medical care you wouldn't think twice about listening to their advice

Thankyou @EverythingsComingUpRoses I need to try to keep a more open mind and listen to what the professionals are saying . However I feel if we had the support we have been assessed to need we would cope better perhaps . They don’t have the provision to meet our needs - it’s all very frustrating and upsetting

@starsparkle08

Oh have I been where you are - my dd also has severe autism, severe learning difficulties and displays challenging behaviour. Our lives too were a nightmare and I had a very hands on DH too so God knows how you are coping alone. ☹️

Please look into residential school ASAP! I know it is hard and you think you have failed as a parent. Believe me, you most certainly have not! Allowing your ds to attend residential school is actually allowing him to live in a world where he feels comfortable as he is most definitely struggling to cope in our world.

Our dd attended residential school from 8 years of age as, similar to your ds, no-one could cope with her behaviours including her SEN school, respite etc. 😢 it was devastating to let her go, despite our awful lives at the time - our only dc too - but it honestly was the best decision we ever made. (We used to visit her every weekend although it was a 4 hour round trip.)

Roll forward 18 years, (dd is 26 now.)

She has a beautiful apartment in a small complex close to home with 24 hour care. She is still 2-1 when she leaves the grounds of the centre and 1-1 for around 12 hours per day. (The rest of the time she is on a radio monitor.). She has a wonderful life and is very happy. Everyone adores her. She is so much calmer and rarely displays challenging behaviours. We see her 4-5 times per week for around 1.5 hours each time which she loves but she has made her own life with her fantastic care team. Had we not taken the advice of allowing her to go residential I dread to think what sort of life she would have now. 😢

Please, please think very carefully about residential. It honestly would be putting your darling boy first. He just can't cope with the life he has now. 😢

Thankyou @JadeSeahorse for sharing your story . It’s so hard to make these life changing decisions and I would love to keep my son home with me for a couple more years . He’s 10 in august and if I could just get him to 12 and see if things improve I would feel so much better then considering the residential . Realistically the way things are going I may not make it till he reaches 12 . It’s just breaking my heart . Our relationship is very strained as I find him hard to tolerate much of the time and constantly on egg shells with what he may do .

Hi, Im new to all this. Just wondering if all the therapy options have been exhausted? like ABA and OT?

Your son sounds like hes having lots of sensory issues, could a long term O.T seeing him regularly not help?

We have a behavioural specialist , psychologist , psychiatrist and school therapist involved . Have not tried ABA though and he was discharged from OT as they said they could do no more - it’s all very upsetting

If not one, but numerous professionals are telling you to consider residential provision I really think you need to look at this seriously. They will not recommend this lightly.

It is clear your DS is not coping at the moment and his needs are not being met, however much you love him. Realistically things are unlikely to improve; in fact things are likely to get worse, especially with the onset of puberty.

You are already on your knees; he is screaming out for specialist support that you can't give. Don't prolong the agony until he is 12 and struggling even more. Make the difficult decision and let him go now for his sake as well as yours.

Social visitor visited today and mentioned residential , also due to the effect my son is having on my mental health .
It’s really not a road I want to go down and I’m just not ready yet. I am changing my thoughts about residential though and trying not to see it so negatively as to me it feels like complete failure but I’m being reassured it is not the case
Life is hard

I feel I just want lock myself away and die . I’ve tried phoning the Samaritans but nobody answers 😞

@starsparkle08

You are not a failure. You just have a child with such complex needs that he needs more than you can provide. He needs residential provision to address his needs. All the professionals are telling you this. You are not failing him, honestly. It may feel like it but you really aren't.

Read Jade's story above again. Residential provision was the best thing for her DD, devastating as it was for them to let her go. You need to let your son have the same chance to be happy and comfortable in the right setting and surroundings.

Go and look at some residential settings. Talk to the staff. Get an idea of what they can do for your son.

Keep trying the Samaritans. You can also get support here:

www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/using-this-tool

Thankyou @Ellie56 I’ve a lot to think about at the moment

Im so sorry your going through this. Im sure its heartbreaking but please take care of yourself. If your mental health is in a bad place please get help.

If this means your son is happier and gets the help he needs then this will be better for you too.

Hello OP, we're so sorry to hear you are feeling this way - it sounds like things are particularly difficult at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We would usually move this thread to our Mental Health topic but we can see you're getting really good support from other Mumsnetters here so we will leave it where it is, but if you would like it moved just let us know by reporting your own thread.

Wishing you all the best OP and hope you can access the support you need and that tomorrow is a better day.

Thankyou mumsnet

I’ve spoken to my social worker and she said it will take along time to find a residential placement for my son as he would need somewhere highly specialised . It has put me off to be honest

If you don't want residential or as a stop gap until you find somewhere is a waking day curriculum possible?

@10brokengreenbottles what is a waking day curriculum ?
I’ve not heard of this . He is currently in specialist school and staffed 2:1

A waking day curriculum is still attending a setting as a day pupil but extending in to the evening. After the end of the normal school day the focus shifts to interaction, social/leisure activities, life skills and can include dinner etc. DS could still receive 2:1 care and it could give you some more respite.

Thank you @10brokengreenbottles that’s something interesting to know

Seeking a residential school emphatically isn't giving up on him. It's recognising the benefit to him of having consistency and being looked after all the time by specialists.

Don't talk to your social worker about schools, they won't know about them and are probably desperate to put you off because they don't want to pay for them. You need to start investigating schools yourself. As a starting point, try the Cambian group, the PDA Association and the NAS. Join a few specialist Facebook groups like EHCP Experiences and ask around there for parents' views.

residential school is not you giving up on him , it is giving him a secure place that can fully cater to his needs which can then help you to be able to bond better with him when you and others are not on the receiving end of all his violent outbursts
i doubt it will be a quick placement find as his needs are so complex but at least think about starting the ball rolling so that a search can start
good luck OP

Thankyou everyone . I will take all this on board